Well hello everyone. It's been a while since I last wrote...it was March...that's...um....well i don't want to do the math. It's been several months. A few important things have happened lately that need to be discussed:
1.) Wildfires in Colorado. Are you for or against? Let's be civil in our discussion, OK? I just want to go ahead & put it out there: I'm against them. Yes, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
2.) Chik-Fil-A. This has been one of the hottest debates in recent history & has "blown up" on Facebook walls. I haven't really looked into the debate, but seriously what can people have against Chicken? If it's animal cruelty, well even the cows are telling us to eat there. I'm for Chik Fil A. We have too many burger joints & KFC needs some competition.
3.) Barak vs Mitt. *sigh*. I hate politics.
4.) Shootings in Aurora. OK, double yoo, tee, eff? This is SUCH a sad tragedy!! I keep thinking about the events that happened that day & what deviations in that day could/would have stopped James Holms? Like what if on his way to the theater he saw a puppy & decided life was precious & had a change of mind? Of course for someone as demented as him he probably would have shot the puppy. But maybe that would have satisfied his need to kill? Maybe that puppy could have saved 12 lives? An animal sacrifice if you will. Poor puppy.
Anyway, so I guess his apartment was booby trapped? What's up with that? The killer didn't want any burglars breaking in? How come none of his booby trappery backfired on him? Come on Fate, help us out! I mean, I'm a law abiding trustworthy citizen & some mornings before I have coffee I can't make it through a door without plastering my face on the glass & leaving half the crap I was supposed to take with me that day. Why couldn't Holms have woke up groggy one day & set off one of his bombs & "taken care of himself". Know what I mean?
I understand home security though. I don't want any emm effers breaking into my house. I have some standard security precautions set up. But just today I was thinking of some more "out of the box" security features. Like what if someone broke in & instead of seeing all the stuff they wanted to steal, they were just confused? Like what if the first thing they saw was another wall. & then there was peanut butter on the floor? They would go around the wall & see a little machine in the center of the room just working, you know like doing stuff, but who knows what this machine is? From another room there'd be like a soft "mooing" sound. Then they'd try to take the TV but when they pulled it off the stand it's be tied down underneath with half a mile of dental floss. If they stepped in the right place a hatch would open & dump a bucket of salami & baloney on their head. Finally they'd just be like "this guy a effed in the head! man let's get outta here!"
Friday, August 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Having Children, Stupid Children
I got to thinking I am a little reticent about having kids and so I tried to come up with why. I think my biggest fear is: What if I have a stupid child? No, I don't mean a mentally handicapped kid, I mean, just a stupid kid.
Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn't take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like "Dad, I don't want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar") What if he's lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you're staring at him, he just turns around & gives you "stank eye"? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won't clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he's always farting in public?
I wouldn't hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can't make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he's in middle school? What if he only does band in school & doesn't go out for any sports?
You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.
Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn't take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like "Dad, I don't want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar") What if he's lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you're staring at him, he just turns around & gives you "stank eye"? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won't clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he's always farting in public?
I wouldn't hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can't make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he's in middle school? What if he only does band in school & doesn't go out for any sports?
You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.
A Workout We All Have Time For
Today's blog will turn your life around 360 degrees! Every one of us wants to become more buff, more ripped - am I right? Also, all of us have a hard time making time for Gym time, right? Well, I have figured ways to become buff doing everyday things:
Opening doors: do not use your weight to pull open a door, stand firm & use your muscles & pull it like a repetition on a weight machine.
Sitting in your office chair: clench you buttocks throughout the day for a toned butt.
Drinking coffee: bring the cup up to your face intensely as you would do a curl.
Walking around the office: walk hard. Walk with a purpose & run from one area of your workplace to another when possible.
Blowing your nose: blow hard using full lung capacity.
I am working on more ideas for a more complete workout, stay tuned!
Opening doors: do not use your weight to pull open a door, stand firm & use your muscles & pull it like a repetition on a weight machine.
Sitting in your office chair: clench you buttocks throughout the day for a toned butt.
Drinking coffee: bring the cup up to your face intensely as you would do a curl.
Walking around the office: walk hard. Walk with a purpose & run from one area of your workplace to another when possible.
Blowing your nose: blow hard using full lung capacity.
I am working on more ideas for a more complete workout, stay tuned!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap Day Extra Time
Happy Leap Day! Today is a magical sort of time when there are extra hours in the year! A whole 24 hours of spare time!
I've decided not to go to work as it will not matter! Instead I am using this time for things I always want to do but don't have the time!
Here's 24 things I hope to do with my spare hours:
I've decided not to go to work as it will not matter! Instead I am using this time for things I always want to do but don't have the time!
Here's 24 things I hope to do with my spare hours:
- Be a "shock jock"
- Be a well known local musician
- Run a half marathon
- Learn to speak Chinese
- Read a classic novel like maybe the Harry Potter series
- Be a CIA agent
- Make my movie "Motorcycle Cowboys"
- Visit war torn Syria as a Western Journalist
- Kill a Unicorn
- Run with the bulls
- Be a Navy SEAL
- Eat monkey brains
- Be an NFL quarterback
- Be an NYC firefighter
- Be a cop (preferably a robo-cop)
- Hang out with the Ninja Turtles & eat pizza!!
- Write a novel about a nerdy kid name Nestor who becomes ripped & then goes back & destroys everyone who made fun of him in high school. At the end he has a moral crisis of whether he should use his powers for good or evil.
- Learn science
- Survive in a remote area with nothing but a "bowie knife"
- Go to space
- Invent na "i"Something that will outsell Apple & Microsoft combined & then use the money to buy Google & Facebook
- Hang out with friends & watch a movie
- Learn to surf
- Start my own cult
OK well I better get started, but I think I need to explain that last one a little bit (soon I will write the Cult's holy book, but for now...) I have learned the scientific bond between the spiritual & the material as seen in the lacing of a tennis shoe & its relation to a DNA Helix. If one suspends their earthly material body in a deprivation tank for a period of 8 to 10 hours in a state of total darkness, followed by hanging from the ankles for 15 minutes in a white room, the resulting state of consciousness reveals to them significant views into the eternal caverns of the spiritual mind (all of this can be done "in-mind" as it were without the aid of physical tanks, etc.). I have seen a great many number of floating orbs of energy ruminating as the flow from a central point and the relay their rumination to me via telekinesis. I'm getting frustrated because you won't believe me! Anyway I have learned very detailed information about EVERYTHING! I will laboriously begin to spell it out here:
A- Pointed on top & giving elation to digestive processes
a \'l hasan al ashari - to be disassociated with from here on out as his forthcoming life is a de-evolution into some kind of fungi
a a baranov - traded his beard for fur
aard-vark- should be pictured above every door frame at eqinox
ETC. (You get the idea)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Survey so We Can Better Survey You
At times JWU takes a reflective look at our target audience and we need to make decisions on how to better entertain you. Please take a moment to fill out this brief survey, print it and email it to 970.270.9038 Thank you!
1. Mail or Femail (Circle one)
2. Your Age: (Circle two)
1-5 yrs
5-10 yrs
10-30 yrs
31-35 yrs
36-100 yrs
100-105 yrs
other
3. How many children do you own? (Circle one)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 20 or more
4. Would your children eat JWU flavored Cheerios? y, m, n
5. What is your annual household income?
$1,000 - $1500
$1,600 - $1700
$1,700 -$1,800
I'm rich
6. In the next year, do any of your household members plan to buy (check all that apply):
HAM Radio
Commodore 64 Computer
AM/FM Radio
Turntable
Polaroid Camera
VCR
Tape Deck
Walkie Talkies
Calculator
Digital Watch
Lazer Gun
Tape Recorder
Cordless Telephone
110 or 8mm Camera
Flashlight
Car phone
Floppy Diskettes
19" or larger color Television
Walkman
Rollerskates
7. If you had to have your eyes plucked out by crows or you walk down the Vegas Strip naked, which would you choose? Go.
8. Does your household use chewing gum? (yes/no)
9. What sports are your household members into?
Polo
Curling
Disc Golf
Javelin
Hula Hoop
Rollerskating
Origami
Flight
Croquet
Gardening (or extreme gardening)
Amateur Parkour
Calf Roping
10. What hobbies do your household members enjoy?
Poaching
Hang gliding
Ice climbing
Elephant rides
Monkey Training
Skooter Races
BB Gun Tournament
Side walk chalk
Finger Painting
Video Poker
I don't get out much
19. I would like to be notified of special offers & discounts. y/n
email address:___________________
20. How many hours of TV do you watch per day divided by your hours on the internet times 15? ____________
21. Can we contact you about goods and services over telephone? Phone number___________
22. Do you believe in: (circle all that apply)
Aliens
Chupacabre
Santa Claus
Life after love
The Lost City of Atlantis
Humans Evolving from Apes
Pegasus
Unicorns
Leprechauns
Elves
Sprites
Fairies
Trolls
22. Is Superman faster than Flash?
Thank you for taking part in our survey!!! We will enter you in a drawing!
Please place this in a self addresses stamped envelope and mail by March of 2015!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Black Friday
Today is Black Friday. Don't get me wrong, I am all for equality among races, y'know - but when is White Friday? Or Brown Friday? Well, anyway, I'm not gonna make a huge deal out of it. Let's celebrate diversity! Good job for being whatever race you are! There's a lot sales going on today to celebrate our black brothas & sistas! Stores opened really early & here are some deals you could have gotten if you got up early:
Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%
Okay I'm bored of this.
Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%
Okay I'm bored of this.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Brain Fart
OK, I have to write quickly because I have lots of real work to do! So read quickly to keep up!
The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".
The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.
Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.
It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.
The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!
The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".
The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.
Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.
It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.
The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!
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