Out of Context

MAny things we say throughout our days can be outrageously hilarious if just taken out of context, here are some:

"Somebody ate all the twinkies out of my zombie survival kit!" ~Tim Mayer

"Hey...if I can get free Rice-a-Roni, I'll do it too!" ~Me

"No! I don't want to get chocolate cake in my veins!" ~Me

"Let's not throw a frozen turkey at a girl that weighs 50 pounds!" ~Rachel Dawson

"Why are there chickens on the lawn?" ~Charity Meinhart

Tonight: Full Moon, Total Eclipse, Winter Solstice

Hahahaha...uhh...oh jeez...hehehehehe ahh, wow I can't quit giggling! I'm so giddy & slap happy!
Wow, I feel like smashing some mailboxes & streaking! Who's with me???

New Country

Today I heard something really interesting in the news: A new country! Well...I was kind of deep in thought about something (would street cleaners maybe be more beneficial if they used toothpaste?) and so I wasn't totally listening. But I heard them talking about this new country called Eigh-Yough (well, that's probably the English spelling)...maybe it's just EeYoo?. From the sounds of it is VERY VERY near Europe.
Cool, maybe they found a new island on Earth??? How cool would that be? A pure & innocent place in harmony with nature where humans are allowed to be their natural blue color. Well all that will be ruined when the white man comes & bombs the place. White men will foreseeably (in this decade) force them to adopt our government & wear Western Wear. It's going to make The Country General & Murdoch's shares sky rocket. (Those are US Companies) which will make the USA come out of it's repression - a repression that cutting and Prozac couldn't help. (I still can't understand why Prozac, Zoloft, etc. aren't by nature, balancers of the economy - think about it, bad economy, lose job, get depressed, buy Zoloft, economy goes back up!)
I also can't think of how to end this blog, so I use one of my trick! Switching to a random different subject in the last paragraph: Where are you? This is a trick question, so think bout that.

Wigi Leanks

(I had to change the spelling to the way I had accidentally been mispronouncing it so the government won't flag me)


Wiki Links make me really nervous because this is our country's national security at steak. SOme basturd is taking our secrets and posting them all over the internet. I wonder how he would like it if we posted his diary all over the internet, including his plans to put a bomb in his neighbor's garbage disposal?

One thing that worries me is if there is info about me in his Wigi Leaks? I am kind of important to national security in secret ways I can't tell you. Like for instance, I have a lot of really good ideas that I write down (some on this blog) and if he stole my ideas, I am gonna be really pissed. Julian Assange I have something for you. *digs around in pocket* Tadahhh! (My middle finger).

Other ideas I have formulated include:
Jet propulsion by magnetic imagery
Water powered generators
Internal combustion "engines" for searching purposes
A cotton gin
The electronic typewriter
A clothes washing machine
Radioactive horse kennel slideshow McTwist rubber basket case transfer
Detailed maps of the Rice Krispy's involvment in thermonuclear international peace treaties


So watch out Julian (that sounds like a chick's name anyway), I may or MAY not have planted a nest of mice with Haunta-virus somewhere in your bedroom (but don't look behind your dresser).

The F’d Up Little Lamb

Once there was a flock of sheep who were all rather “in the know”, hipster sheep if you will. If one of them saw a certain movie or watched a certain TV show, all the rest had to see it too.If one wore a certain type of shoes, soon all of them would have the same shoes. Most of all, if one bought a certain brand of laptop or phone, the rest of the flock knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that brand was way better than any other.

There was one sheep though, he was black and his name was Yosh. The rest of the sheep called him a contrarian. No matter what Yosh did, he was always different (except when he wore Cons). One autumn, Yosh fell from a tree and busted his neck. Basically he got his ass kicked by a tree. This left Yosh with F’d up hands and occasionally he would knock drinks over in people’s laps.

A while later the flock realized Yosh was retarded in the relationship category and decided they should hook him up with a Cow named Abby. They didn’t care that Yosh was sheep and she was a cow. Abby annoyed Yosh with her incessant mooing.

One day the flock all went to lunch & forgot about Yosh. Yosh was really sad and decided the only way to make things better was cocaine and cutting. Just kidding. Yosh wandered around and Abby found him. As they wandered along they decided to go into a Denny’s or a VI or something...actually I think it was IHOP. They sat down for a cup of coffee and some toast. The waitress had been tripping on ‘shrooms earlier & so she didn’t even seem phased that there was a sheep & a cow in her booth...in fact, she thought she was a chicken anyway.
When Yosh’s toast came out, he saw something quite amazing! Burnt into his toast was the baby Jesus! Yosh thought “well that’s neat”. And he ate his toast.

You see, the moral of the story is that if Yosh wasn’t F’d up, he wouldn’t have seen the cool toast. See kids, when you are maligned by society, don’t worry! One day they will feel bad and try to get rid of you by appeasing you until you shut up and go away. When this happens you will be privileged to see some pretty cool little things here & there. Don’t give up!


The End


Note: All characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone real, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Things to Say

Here is a collection of "witty" things to say that you can use in your Twitter or Facebook feeds. I give you permission as long as you put a squiggly & then my name after it (~Yosh)

"People keep forgetting the "i" when they talk about MiLK Day. Happy MiLK Day everyone!"

"Rhianna! Your. Name. Is. Rhianna!"


"I'm not going to be aloud near Children's Ministry tonight...it's this mustache."


"I'm just gonna go ahead & toot my own horn: I made a World Record last night at Javeline toss...on Kinect"


"these jeans are right in the waist, but how long? can't find length anywhere. the brand: Guess. Me: no"


"I want to make your stomach hurt. Not by poison,ya turkey, by makin' you laugh really hard!"


"Me: "This chick has kind of a nice voice"
Radio: "Justin Beiber with 'Baby'"
Me: "oh""


"New iPad comes loaded to the max with every App. imaginable. It's called the Max iPad."


"More fun than duck duck goose....duct TAPE goose!"

Dear "So & So"...

Dear Spam,
I know you're really a girl who's got a crush on me & is trying to get my attention. After all you are the only one who ever writes me email. I have tried responding to you but it seems there's an error. I have a question, what is Cialis?
Well I hope your "Make money from home" job is going good! Ttyl.

Yosh





Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Thank you.

Yosh




Dear Google,
I have an idea that maybe you haven't tried yet. Buy Apple. Don't be like Yahoo when they had a chance to buy you. Do it now while you have a chance. Then you should buy Microsoft.

Yosh