Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Blooper Reel from CVVC Communications Dept.
This is Jon, Charity and Josh trying to do a video for the Communications Department at Canyon View Vineyard Church to let the congregation know when the church will be closed for Christmas. Their jobs at CVVC are merely a front for their true occupation: JWU
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
How to Get the Ghost to Leave You Alone
Some things are very scary: scary movies, scary places (graveyard, cliffs), scary stories,ghosts, demons, aliens, scary music, etc. As a person who thinks a lot (everyday) I try to figure out what makes things scary. And I have decided really it's just how we perceive it all.
If you are at home alone, in the dark and you hear something, maybe a "bump" in the next room, you might be scared. Don't be. It is simply your imagination.
"Okay" you say "But I have experienced much freakier things than a 'bump'".
"Like what?" I say.
"Like voices. I was in one room and heard whispering and NO ONE was home"
"Okay, well that was a poltergeist," I say. You needn't be afraid. Simply show this spook you don't care. For instance, what if he whispered something like "Kill the cat," to you. What if you didn't hear the ghost and you made him repeat himself. He might become a little embarrassed that he's not scaring you and not enunciating properly.
"Kill the cat" he whispers all creepily.
"What?" you ask.
"Kill the-...oh nevermind," and then he goes to the neighbor's house.
Or what about Frank's situation. One foggy October night, Frankie was home alone in his bed upstairs when a noise startled him awake. He looked to the window where he heard it and saw the silhouette of a person at his second story window on the roof of the front awning. Chills ran down his spine as he reached for a baseball bat and flicked the lights on. There was a dead body but it was moving, or rather being moved like a puppet. It reached out and scratched on the glass.
Frank was about to urinate himself when he suddenly thought, 'hey, this doesn't have to be so scary'.
Frank put the bat down and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. Sliding the window open he asked the corpse "What have you come at such a late hour for? Would you like this Mountain Dew?"
And with that, whatever possessed the dead body was taken off guard. It no longer had any power over frank because he wasn't afraid.
The body gurgled out something unintelligible. Frank said "Man, I can't understand you...want to play XBox?"
And so the two of them played Halo until 3:30am when the corpse decided it was time to go back to the graveyard.
How about Roy's story. After a long day a work he returned to his dark lonely apartment in the city. He prepared some microwave dinner and began eating when a noise the hallway jolted him. He looked back there in the dark to see an apparition standing still staring at him. It was the translucent figure of a woman clothed in 1700 era clothing. She simply said "Roy,".
Suddenly he knew how to put himself on the offensive. "Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application". The specter was either offended or thought it was so funny she had to vanish to laugh at it.
Try Dirk's method. Once he was the last person cleaning up behind stage after a play. He knew everyone was gone but from the stage he noticed someone moving up an isle toward the back of the the theater. At first he thought someone was sneaking around and he realized they didn't notice him. He quiet followed the figure and caught up to it. About 5 feet from the person he noticed their feet were moving 10 times faster than their body and in ways that didn't coordinate with the rest of the body. Dirk knew what he would do. He reach forward and layed his hand on the person's shoulder and said "BOO!" in the loudest most booming voice he could. It echoed through the theater and startled the ghost. It quickly vanished, probably in embarrassment.
Ghosts can be your friends. Or actually, my point is that you can... no...actually...they won't laugh, so don't try telling a joke. Try scaring them... I suggest keeping a large bloody knife near by and practicing how to talk like there are other people in you.
I don't really know what I'm talking about, I just made all this up.
BOO!
ha ahahahaha
If you are at home alone, in the dark and you hear something, maybe a "bump" in the next room, you might be scared. Don't be. It is simply your imagination.
"Okay" you say "But I have experienced much freakier things than a 'bump'".
"Like what?" I say.
"Like voices. I was in one room and heard whispering and NO ONE was home"
"Okay, well that was a poltergeist," I say. You needn't be afraid. Simply show this spook you don't care. For instance, what if he whispered something like "Kill the cat," to you. What if you didn't hear the ghost and you made him repeat himself. He might become a little embarrassed that he's not scaring you and not enunciating properly.
"Kill the cat" he whispers all creepily.
"What?" you ask.
"Kill the-...oh nevermind," and then he goes to the neighbor's house.
Or what about Frank's situation. One foggy October night, Frankie was home alone in his bed upstairs when a noise startled him awake. He looked to the window where he heard it and saw the silhouette of a person at his second story window on the roof of the front awning. Chills ran down his spine as he reached for a baseball bat and flicked the lights on. There was a dead body but it was moving, or rather being moved like a puppet. It reached out and scratched on the glass.
Frank was about to urinate himself when he suddenly thought, 'hey, this doesn't have to be so scary'.
Frank put the bat down and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. Sliding the window open he asked the corpse "What have you come at such a late hour for? Would you like this Mountain Dew?"
And with that, whatever possessed the dead body was taken off guard. It no longer had any power over frank because he wasn't afraid.
The body gurgled out something unintelligible. Frank said "Man, I can't understand you...want to play XBox?"
And so the two of them played Halo until 3:30am when the corpse decided it was time to go back to the graveyard.
How about Roy's story. After a long day a work he returned to his dark lonely apartment in the city. He prepared some microwave dinner and began eating when a noise the hallway jolted him. He looked back there in the dark to see an apparition standing still staring at him. It was the translucent figure of a woman clothed in 1700 era clothing. She simply said "Roy,".
Suddenly he knew how to put himself on the offensive. "Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application". The specter was either offended or thought it was so funny she had to vanish to laugh at it.
Try Dirk's method. Once he was the last person cleaning up behind stage after a play. He knew everyone was gone but from the stage he noticed someone moving up an isle toward the back of the the theater. At first he thought someone was sneaking around and he realized they didn't notice him. He quiet followed the figure and caught up to it. About 5 feet from the person he noticed their feet were moving 10 times faster than their body and in ways that didn't coordinate with the rest of the body. Dirk knew what he would do. He reach forward and layed his hand on the person's shoulder and said "BOO!" in the loudest most booming voice he could. It echoed through the theater and startled the ghost. It quickly vanished, probably in embarrassment.
Ghosts can be your friends. Or actually, my point is that you can... no...actually...they won't laugh, so don't try telling a joke. Try scaring them... I suggest keeping a large bloody knife near by and practicing how to talk like there are other people in you.
I don't really know what I'm talking about, I just made all this up.
BOO!
ha ahahahaha
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Accidental Bad Ass
bad-ass (adj.)
1. mod.
tough; bad; belligerent. (Usually objectionable.) : Stop acting like such a badass punk!
2. n.
a tough guy; a belligerent and arrogant person, usually a male. : Don't be such a badass all the time.
My name Fletcher, I'm a computer programmer with glasses and a bushy beard. I wear button up shirts tucked into my jeans. I spend a lot of time playing video games and reading books on C++, Java, HTML, etc. I am a nice person and try to usually remain "under the radar" and get along with everyone. I tell you this because what happened today was very strange.
This Monday morning, I realized I hadn't done laundry over the weekend. I was forced to wear a little white T-Shirt I found in the closet. It was really tight and made my skinny body look pretty muscular.
When I went to put on my glasses, a lens popped out & I didn't have time to get it back in. I guess I would have a blurry day. I went to "tidy up" and shave down my side burns a bit. Because of my blurred vision I shaved a huge chunk out of my hair. As I continued to try and "fix" it I ended up making a mess of my hair. The only way to look ok was to shave it all off. After shaving myself bald I realized it looked weird to have a huge beard and so I shaved it into a large goatee.
As I was leaving the house I tripped on the curb and fell into the gutter getting dirt all over my shirt.
When I tried to start my car it sat unmoved and motionless. My neighbor, a Harley guy, happened to see me in frustration and loaned me an old Harley he had in his garage.
So there I was cruisin' down the freeway, a badass. You can call me Fletch.
1. mod.
tough; bad; belligerent. (Usually objectionable.) : Stop acting like such a badass punk!
2. n.
a tough guy; a belligerent and arrogant person, usually a male. : Don't be such a badass all the time.
My name Fletcher, I'm a computer programmer with glasses and a bushy beard. I wear button up shirts tucked into my jeans. I spend a lot of time playing video games and reading books on C++, Java, HTML, etc. I am a nice person and try to usually remain "under the radar" and get along with everyone. I tell you this because what happened today was very strange.
This Monday morning, I realized I hadn't done laundry over the weekend. I was forced to wear a little white T-Shirt I found in the closet. It was really tight and made my skinny body look pretty muscular.
When I went to put on my glasses, a lens popped out & I didn't have time to get it back in. I guess I would have a blurry day. I went to "tidy up" and shave down my side burns a bit. Because of my blurred vision I shaved a huge chunk out of my hair. As I continued to try and "fix" it I ended up making a mess of my hair. The only way to look ok was to shave it all off. After shaving myself bald I realized it looked weird to have a huge beard and so I shaved it into a large goatee.
As I was leaving the house I tripped on the curb and fell into the gutter getting dirt all over my shirt.
When I tried to start my car it sat unmoved and motionless. My neighbor, a Harley guy, happened to see me in frustration and loaned me an old Harley he had in his garage.
So there I was cruisin' down the freeway, a badass. You can call me Fletch.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Waste
For centuries now we have referred to our excrement as "waste". With this mentality, just think of how much is wasted. When we use the bathroom, we waste 1. Time 2. Water 3. Toilet Paper and most of all 4. Excrement (Urine & Feces)
If we are conscious about this we save Time, save Water, save Toilet Paper and most of all save Excrement.
This is a gross post I know, but we need to raise awareness, even when it's not tasteful.
How can we not waste time in bathroom? Well, when you're going #2, read a book. This way you using valuable time to learn. Also eat lots of fiber so the process moves along quickly. When going number 1, you don't really have time to read, so just make it as efficient as possible. Zip your pants down as you are closing the door and turning the light on. Invent new technologies while urinating.
How can we not waste water in the bathroom? Well, a brick in the toilet or saving pee (which is gross) Be efficient and use that water as much as possible before you flush. Maybe, (if you're brave) you can drink some, brush your teeth and wash up in the clean water. Then do your business and finally flush.
How can we save toilet paper? Use one square, both sides and buy thestuff that is so thin you can see through it.
How can we not waste excrement? I have been trying to figure this one out. I noticed we waste a LOT of urine many times a day (especially if you're a coffee drinker like me) Why can't collect all our urine in one big tank and use it to power a hydroelectric generator (I guess it would be Urinelectric)? Free power.
Feces, is grosser and more difficult not to waste. Some people have learned how to burn it or something to make it into fuel. I'm just too grossed out by it to really want to look at it or smell it. So I'll let someone else figure it out. It probably would be too hard to put it all into a rocket and launch it into outter space.
Maybe there's a way to degrossify it? Someone should figure that out. Gosh I hate poop.
If we are conscious about this we save Time, save Water, save Toilet Paper and most of all save Excrement.
This is a gross post I know, but we need to raise awareness, even when it's not tasteful.
How can we not waste time in bathroom? Well, when you're going #2, read a book. This way you using valuable time to learn. Also eat lots of fiber so the process moves along quickly. When going number 1, you don't really have time to read, so just make it as efficient as possible. Zip your pants down as you are closing the door and turning the light on. Invent new technologies while urinating.
How can we not waste water in the bathroom? Well, a brick in the toilet or saving pee (which is gross) Be efficient and use that water as much as possible before you flush. Maybe, (if you're brave) you can drink some, brush your teeth and wash up in the clean water. Then do your business and finally flush.
How can we save toilet paper? Use one square, both sides and buy thestuff that is so thin you can see through it.
How can we not waste excrement? I have been trying to figure this one out. I noticed we waste a LOT of urine many times a day (especially if you're a coffee drinker like me) Why can't collect all our urine in one big tank and use it to power a hydroelectric generator (I guess it would be Urinelectric)? Free power.
Feces, is grosser and more difficult not to waste. Some people have learned how to burn it or something to make it into fuel. I'm just too grossed out by it to really want to look at it or smell it. So I'll let someone else figure it out. It probably would be too hard to put it all into a rocket and launch it into outter space.
Maybe there's a way to degrossify it? Someone should figure that out. Gosh I hate poop.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
How to Become A Legend
Having become somewhat notorious and controversial myself, I have learned some tips & tricks on how to become a legend.
Everyone wants to be a legend. Not true. Most people are content to seek lot's of money and things and fame like "normal" people. A legend is more about being a real super hero. You want to be the stuff of myths, here's how:
1. Be eccentric. This in a sense means being strange and different. Wear some glasses that no one else has. Make up your own style of clothes and wear them ALL the time. Never be mundane.
2. Make up your own accent. Don't be too crazy with it cause people need to believe it. And it won't be a lie cause it's yours and it's real.
3. Get involved in something you really like and do the "hell" out of it. If it's writing, write novels, books, papers, articles and blogs. If it's art, paint, draw, sculpt, go to art shows, sell your work and publish it. If it's... If you don't currently like anything then find something preferably wild such as baking with chimps and then you go out there and bake the HELL out of those chimps.
4. Learn how to do something spectacular like being able to wrestle a moose or being able to jump pretty high. Suggestions:
Learn a dazzling card trick
Always have candy in your pocket to give to kids
Base jump
Smoke Jump
Ride you bike with no hands
Ollie
Drive a tractor
5. Travel. Legends have "been there" "done that". Every weekend you should be driving at least 50 miles to see new things. Also the more people who see your face, the more famouser you are.
6. Be nice to everyone you meet*. You need to become BFFs with almost everyone in the world.
*Except #7
7. You will have an enemy. Make sure your struggles with your enemy are known publicly.
8. Befriend the commissioner.
9. Have a secret identity. Wear big sunglasses and a hat and maybe a bandanna over your mouth when you go out.
10. Write a theme song about yourself and have it recorded but make it look like a fan made it.
11. Make up your own language.
12. Help people in need always.
13. Have a method for everything and teach it to your "pupils"
14. Tell "proverbs" and make them sound like contradictions like "To do, one must first NOT do"
k, i have to pee
Everyone wants to be a legend. Not true. Most people are content to seek lot's of money and things and fame like "normal" people. A legend is more about being a real super hero. You want to be the stuff of myths, here's how:
1. Be eccentric. This in a sense means being strange and different. Wear some glasses that no one else has. Make up your own style of clothes and wear them ALL the time. Never be mundane.
2. Make up your own accent. Don't be too crazy with it cause people need to believe it. And it won't be a lie cause it's yours and it's real.
3. Get involved in something you really like and do the "hell" out of it. If it's writing, write novels, books, papers, articles and blogs. If it's art, paint, draw, sculpt, go to art shows, sell your work and publish it. If it's... If you don't currently like anything then find something preferably wild such as baking with chimps and then you go out there and bake the HELL out of those chimps.
4. Learn how to do something spectacular like being able to wrestle a moose or being able to jump pretty high. Suggestions:
Learn a dazzling card trick
Always have candy in your pocket to give to kids
Base jump
Smoke Jump
Ride you bike with no hands
Ollie
Drive a tractor
5. Travel. Legends have "been there" "done that". Every weekend you should be driving at least 50 miles to see new things. Also the more people who see your face, the more famouser you are.
6. Be nice to everyone you meet*. You need to become BFFs with almost everyone in the world.
*Except #7
7. You will have an enemy. Make sure your struggles with your enemy are known publicly.
8. Befriend the commissioner.
9. Have a secret identity. Wear big sunglasses and a hat and maybe a bandanna over your mouth when you go out.
10. Write a theme song about yourself and have it recorded but make it look like a fan made it.
11. Make up your own language.
12. Help people in need always.
13. Have a method for everything and teach it to your "pupils"
14. Tell "proverbs" and make them sound like contradictions like "To do, one must first NOT do"
k, i have to pee
Friday, July 3, 2009
Michael Jackson
I remember Michael Jackson. When I was a kid, there were Michael Jackson Pepsi commercials and MTV videos. There was also always Michael Jackson on the radio. All the kids were listening to Michael Jackson, dressing like Michael Jackson, trying to dance like Michael Jackson, etc. Even I myself moonwalked mimicking the King of Pop. I think the most played song was probably Beat It by Michael Jackson. I remember in the late 80's and early 90's watching Michael Jackson start to turn white. Michael Jackson was Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was Invincible. Michael Jackson was so ubiquitous that you could use "Michael Jackson" as a substitute word. Like I could Michael Jackson and you would Michael Jackson. In fact, the more I Michael Jackson, the more Michael Jackson you could Michael Jackson. So Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson. And finally Michael Jackson, Michael JacksonMichael Jackson...Michael Jackson-Michael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael Jackson
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Michael Jackson is Still Alive
Michael Jackson died one week ago today. I don't believe he is dead. Everyone thought Elvis died too but now we all know he's alive. I think if we've learned anything from the X Files, it's that there are paranormal powers out there. We know Michael had a strong tie to Elvis because he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. (My own mom went to high school at White Haven located just down the street from Graceland). AND where do you think MJ got the idea for Neverland? From Graceland! (Well, OK I guess Peter Pan had some to do with it)But think about it, Never Never Land was about never getting older. Jacko never got older! Elvis was the King of Rock & Roll, James Brown was the King of Funk, Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. James Brown is Dead (I learned that from L.A. Style before he was dead, but Holy Noise told us he was Still Alive, but he is dead now)
Most people don't know Jackson's skin turned white because he of a traumatic experience (not the Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire) He was abducted by Caucasian Aliens. They were racist Caucasian Aliens who wanted to make him into a white person. They were also feminist and turned him into a woman. MJ was victimized by Caucasian Feminist Aliens.
I thought MJ was talented and a pretty sweet dancer.
He is still alive and they are harboring him on the moon. This was where he learned the moonwalk. He is happy there on the moon.
Drink Pepsi.
Most people don't know Jackson's skin turned white because he of a traumatic experience (not the Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire) He was abducted by Caucasian Aliens. They were racist Caucasian Aliens who wanted to make him into a white person. They were also feminist and turned him into a woman. MJ was victimized by Caucasian Feminist Aliens.
I thought MJ was talented and a pretty sweet dancer.
He is still alive and they are harboring him on the moon. This was where he learned the moonwalk. He is happy there on the moon.
Drink Pepsi.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Kids Say the Darndest Things
One little boy was noted as having said "Gramma, I don't want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,". Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.
Cannibal Big Horn Sheep
There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that's when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn't move but i was floppin' around like a fish out of water. Then I saw 'em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that's the only reason I'm still alive to tell about it.
Monday, April 6, 2009
My Own Deep Thoughts (Circa 2002)
A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber. Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain. The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.
My Own Deep Thoughts II
Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don't laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.
They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.
Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?
Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"
They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.
Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?
Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
My Own Deep Thoughts
Jack Handy had some deep thoughts. I had some of my own thoughts:
If I ever become Mayor, I’m going to have the city begin paving a road to nowhere. By the time they figure out I duped them I will have made off with the keys to the city.
Next time you’re on a bike ride with your grandma, I think it would be funny to jam a stick in her spokes. No, that wouldn’t be funny. But it would be funny if she did it to you.
Think about, Aliens aren’t really that mysterious. Flying? We can do that. Going to other planets? So can we. Cutting our heads open and blasting out the brain matter with water or air? So can we!
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