Area Man Gives Up Writing: Cites The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO - Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. "The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called "Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies", and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere," he said. When asked whether his fears were founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, "No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I've ever written...I just figured they probably already did it." Anderson, will give up imme

Finally it Happened to Me

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I have some uncanny knowledge about terrestrials and their older wiser relatives, extraterrestrials. I have speculated the writings of many people who have seen UFOs, "aliens", bigfoots, lockness monsters, boogy men, ghosts, vampires, mummies, frankensteins, greys, reptillians, excedrin. You may remember me begging them to lay eggs in my head. Well, it has finally happened, I was abducted.
It all began one day when I hit my head extremely hard. Although it hurt really bad I was good to go. Some kid saw some blood on me though and called an ambulance. I'm not sure if the kid was real. I do know that the "paramedics" (more like "paranormals") were not human because they were so calm and efficient. Humans would have been panicking. The ambulance, which was more likely a "Q34 Morrayzip" or space-car, took me to their mothership. They rammed probes into my arms. The even put a probe in my [CENSORED].
Days and nights on their ship were all a blur to me because they euthanized me. They did countless tests on me and may even have taken a kidney. Once they gave me the cliche anal probe. The aliens didn't speak English, rather they spoke directly to my occipital lobes which my mind translated to American.
There was one guy, looking remarkably human, who was like the main guy (like a main character in a movie). He told me there was a fracture in my spine (yeah right, so I wouldn't wonder about the pain caused by the chip they implanted in my neck!) He said they would retain me and observe me.
Many days passed full of these "tests" and "observations". One day, having had enough of this, I sprinted for the door. I went all over that mothership and could not find a way out! I did however see they had taken a BUNCH of other humans...hundreds.
Finally one day it was time for them to harvest my organs and then drop me in a farmer's field with cows they had taken organs from (Remember, you must drink Organic milk and eat ORGANIC beef! The other stuff has had its organs stolen!!! Same with organic cheese and butter)
They wheeled me into a strange cold room on a rolling bed-like gurney. One of them must have punched me in the face, because I was knocked out for the entire procedure (also, I had a fat lip when I woke up)...don't know what I did to piss him off.
When I woke up, they released me in a parking garage somewhere. When I got home I examined myself closely starting with my toes. I saw blood dots on my feet where their sharp fangs must have sucked my blood. There were more on my stomach and arms. When I got to my neck, a chill ran down my spine. There was an apparatus around my whole neck!! I took it off to see a bandage covering something. I ripped the bandage off to see stitches across a 2 or three inch slit!!! OMG I thought. They harvested something out of my neck!!! My mind raced to think of what they took!! My trachea? My esophagus? No....they took my voice box!!!!! I tried to talk and my voice sounded...normal...weird, somehow I can talk without it. I'm not sure why they put this thing on my neck, but I put it back on for fear that the incision will burst and expose my esophagus and trachea to open air which will cause them to dry out and shrivel up.
OK, well, that's what happened to me. It's unbelievable, I know - I was there. I plan on writing a book about it called Communion II:Revenge of the Greys. Look for it wherever great books are sold. And I will sign it too.

Obama Nation

Wow politics are heated right now and it's because of George W. Bush. It is W's fault that, Gore lost in 2000, his oil companies caused global warming which caused minute temperature changes which led to hanging chads. Global Warming also caused Saddam Husein to make W think he had WMDs and W wanted to avenge his daddy so he paid some Arabs who hate the US to run planes into the twin towers destroying a large chunk of NYC. Afghanistan, and Iraq are W's fault and it all made Cheney so nervous he shot his buddy in the face. And guess what, McPalin....er Palin...I mean McCain looks kinda like George Bush, and he's a Republican and we don't want anything resembling Bush, so we need CHANGE! Or Change we need! Plus if you vote for McCain you must feel a little racist because your missing the chance to elect our first black president. (In 2013 hopefully we can have our first Latino....actually scratch that, make that Native American, they've been waiting longer) Anyway, I heard there is a possibility of Jim Laden becoming secretary of state- so my campaign sign will read Obama Bidin Laden. So good luck Barrack Husein, try not to kill too many babies and everything will be OK, besides McCain will probably keel over before his 4 years is up....wait, that means....*gasp* first woman president! Ah crap! This is really about first black president vs. first woman president....how do we choose???
JUST KIDDING ABOUT ALL THIS HA HA!!!!
OK, now that you've read through all that mudslinging I know you are truely one of the faithful! That was all a front, just like politics is a front in real life!! That's right, this is all as my friend put it "a horse & pony show" to keep us distracted from what really matters. Are you ready forthis? Reptillians, a race of extrterestials has infiltrated America and they are on the verge of a complete take over. There is now an estimated 9:1 ratio of reptillians to humans residing in the U.S. Look around you, if you in a group of 10 people, YOU are the only human!!! Be careful!!! Watch what you say. Disguise messages with political agendas, this has proven to throw them off your trail. Remember, look at their pupils first. If they are slits like a cat, REPTILLIAN!

My name is Yosh and I approve of this message.

Paid for by the comittee to re-elect George W. Bush

Evidence of Punctuated Equilibrium

The founders of Punctuated Equilibrium Theory "Eldredge and Gould proposed that the degree of gradualism championed by Charles Darwin was virtually nonexistent in the fossil record, and that stasis dominates the history of most fossil species." (Wikipedia)
Basically in earth words "There is is no evidence of evolution in the fossil record, therefore species 'popped' into existence every once in a while." I TOLD YOU! Did I not propose 'The Popping Theory'? Anyway, as with any theory, it is just a theory until you find or make objective proof. Yesterday I was on a hike in nature when it happened! A new species POPPED into existence! I heard a loud snap (as one would expect when new matter suddenly forces itself into time & space). Suddenly there was this small squirrel like creature with antlers skittering over the rocks. OK, I didn't actually see the antlers, but I saw enough petrified bones laying around to easily assume they could be put together to build this animal. OK, none of this really happened, but I am hopeful. Punctuated Equilibrium is bound to happen anytime soon.
Can you do me a favor? If you see any unknown species of animal either just "popping" into existence or maybe showing up in a litter of puppies, please call me 270-9038. This will be big news, you will be famous.

This is....

This is where the hole is when you snort coke.

WARNING! GIANT BEAST COMING!!

Apparently pretty recently, a huge monster attacked and destroyed New York City. I saw the video tape they recovered from a guy who was taping his friend's going away party. I am wondering why we haven't seen ANYTHING on the news about this? It's a cover up! That thing and its babies are probably marching through every city and killling everything and headed out here to the west and the government is keeping it a secret! Why...because they obviously accidentally created it in a cold fusion experiment. They were trying to fuse atoms into chemical weapons to use on Osama Bib Laden when it got too cold and created an atmosphere much like the primordial soup of early earth. A small electric shock (even someone scuffing their socks on the carpet) set off a chemical reaction throwing evolution into play (most people don't realize how simple it is to a start evolution into motion- many accidental random things can start it off). It wasn't long before a thousand foot tall beast was rising out of the water in the Hudson Bay area. He was likely looking for a gym to become the fittest in order to survive-ha ha just kidding.
Anyway, I'm drawing up some flyers warning of the beast that will soon make its way here that I will make millions of copies of that I will start stapling to phone poles and taping up in grocery stores. People need to start hearing about this.
One can only imagine what a thousand foot accidental species could do. From the video it looks like it can shoot fire balls and seemed to be a formidable opponent to the US Army. It also seems to be reproducing rapidly.

PS Keep your video cameras rolling in order to document its destruction for the survivors of your town.

The Atom Smasher is Beginning to End the World

I only found out about his thing last night. the HDL I mean Large Hadron Collider. If you have heard, this is a machine under the border of France and Switzerland that is huge.
The only thing it does is smash atoms together and it cost millions. I don't know why these "scientists" think they're so smart. It's easy to smash atoms with a hammer. I have done it. I know I have swung a hammer hard enough to break things, and these things are made of billions of tiny atoms. I have noticed that nothing significant happened when I have done this. No "big bang scenario" happened.
This leads me to believe there is reason the LHC costs billions of dollars. The reason is that their machine is highly dangerous. Some have predicted the machine will create black holes. They turned it on this morning at midnight my time. Many people have said nothing happened. I, however, have begun to notice many things that precede a mass implosion which means we are in the final hours of existence.

My observations of the effects of the HCL:

• Rain (I don't remember it raining on September 10th last year)
• Phlegm in my throat caused by high radio frequencies
• Lower back pain from radiation that is just now reaching the U.S.
• A dead fish in my fish tank from toxic free radicals
• A sense of lethargy in me and likely my co-workers
• I can feel a slight pull eastward toward France where the black hole is gaining energy
• A dimming of light in my office that is being sucked into the black hole
• Ever so slightly you can tell the Earth is getting lighter as mass is "gobbled up" by the black hole
• Global Warming
• The melting of polar ice caps
• People not willing to recycle
• Higher taxes (and they will only rise when the US builds its own CFC)
• Starvation among people groups with little or no food
• AIDS
• Human Papaloma Virus
  
• Gas prices rising rapidly to cover the energy bill from turning this thing on
• Wars are being fought in many countries near there
• Russia is jealous of France so they decided to "pick on" Georgia (don't worry Georgia, the south will rise again)
• IEDs made from unused LCH parts.

These are only the bad things! Other effects include (in a few months) an understanding of the Origin of Species (a controversial book by Charles Darwin). They have begun a chain reaction that will end up beginning a new universe! This is exciting as anyone alive to day will get to witness the whole process of evolution right before our eyes! We will see first a BANG!!!!! that will hurt our ears. Then we will see primordial ooze coming from the LHC. One day lightning will then strike it and we will begin watching amino acids give birth to embryo's that will soon swim out and become monkeys. I think we need to be careful and abort these babies before they evolve into fully thinking intelligent humans because they will have a bunch of stupid philosophical questions for us like "Are you God?" and "Where did we come from?" and we'll be like "You came from the LHC" and they will ask where we came from and then we will have to tell them about the LHC that birthed us. "It was a much less...ummm mechanical...one...it was one that wasn't built by man. It built itself out of nothing. " And then before they ask how that's possible we'll have to distract them by saying "Look! Behind you! A Jelly Doughnut!" and then run to where they can't find us.
Abort the LHC babies! Vote democrat!

The Popping Theory

Sometimes I am boggled by quote “scientists”. While studying the origin of life they are having a real problem trying to understand where it all came from in the beginnning. They are also trying to figure out how things morph over time to create new things/animals etc. It's so easy to come up with a theory. Here is my theory, it is called The Popping Theory. Basically things just "pop" out of nothing into existence. This explains things like the Cambrian Explosion. It explains why they are having a hard time finding fossils that link monkeys to man. If you think about it, it makes much more sense if things just "popped" into existence.

E Paper and the Coming Controversy

I heard on a podcast today that "they" have discovered E Paper. This is paper that is basically like a computer screen and so they can use it for magazine covers and animated covers. Pretty soon I'm sure it will be thin enough to be every page of the magazine. Now we can watch our magazines rather then read them, thank goodness....I thought the age of reading was never going to end. Oops...that affects this blog. I guess we better work on making this blog into it's movie version - not so much because it needs to work on E Paper, but because it won't be too long before society has done away with reading completely (it is a quite archaic way of communicating anyway) (I mean, just think of how long its taking me to type this by pushing each individual key for every letter, if I acted this all out it would be much easier)
There is one small problem with E Paper is that it takes power. That means fossil fuels or something. And I have heard about how the ozone is depleting or depreciating or what ever. Fossil fuels are made from melting dinosaur bones which there can only be so many of. The next animal whose bones we use may actually need to be non-extinct. I guess we would pick the most useless animals first (probably the Tea Cup Poodle) but once we extinct them we will need to move on to ugliest animals. I can foresee the moral debate here as many humans will be considered. But really, they should sacrifice themselves for the good of all. Technology must march forward.

The Hollowed Out Horse Episode

That Survivor Guy on the Discovery Channel has put himself through some rigorous experiences. Tonight I was watching him in this mountainous area where it rained a lot. He was getting cold and needed to make a fire. He was really struggling. If I was in this situation I know exactly what I would do. I would find a horse and hollow it out and climb inside. I have heard this is one of the best ways to keep yourself warm. Survivor Guy should know this. I think I will write and/or call the Discovery Channel and inform them of this well known survival tactic. Maybe it will be in a future episode of Survivor Guy. It will probably be pretty controversial, but will go down in history and be known as the Hollowed Out Horse Episode. It was my idea, K - you read it here first.

The Neighbor's Incorrigible Dog

He's about the size of our cat, that neighbor's dog with his hoarse non-intimidating bark. He's usually fenced in the backyard but somehow he manages to poop in my front yard. Sometimes there is deer poop in my back yard.
One day (I can't really remember if this is a dream or not) he came over and I saw him getting ready to crap. I opened the front door expecting him to bolt. But no, he was so sure he was right that he stayed there looking at me. I said to him, "C'mon-look, you've nearly covered my front yard in your fecal matter!" And he was like, "Look, I know you all hate me over here but I would like to believe you can look past your raw hatred. Maybe 'dislike' is a more accurate word? I mean, after all, it is only stool and is a part of nature. This shouldn't warrant all-out hatred -I mean, you and I could be friends. I believe you'd understand my point of view if you weren't so biased. Biased by your own use of toilets and your bipedal tendencies. You know, I really think you humans must think you're superior just because you can do arithmetic and what not. Arithmetic is not even that amazing-I mean, who really needs it when they grow up anyways?" He spoke in a weird sort of half-daze almost like he didn't really believe what he was saying or maybe he was bored of what he was saying. Then I realized this was all an elaborate distraction when I saw his pile of dookie.
OK, I'm pretty sure that was dream. But seriously do you follow his logic?

I'm Pretty Smart and Experienced

I was just thinking, and I realized that I'm pretty smart and I have done a lot of things. I'm actually one of the wiser and more experienced people on Earth. You might be wondering how I know this. It is a feeling I have. I just know. Like, I seem to know a lot about things that I don't hear other people ever talking about. For instance, I seem to see and understand that robots are growing in intelligence and numbers. A take over is imminent if we don't heed the warning signs.
Also, I have done many things. Just this weekend I floated the river. Where was everyone else? Sitting at home playing video games I suppose. No one else was out there on the river....well, except several kayaking lesbians. Here are things I have done lately that I bet you haven't:

• Rode my bike
• Made spaghetti sauce
• Drove to Rifle
• Pondered the birds
• Wrote this blog
• Made a Podcast
• Ran
• Watched Planet Earth on a big screen
• Called a girl
• Played mini golf
• Watched a comedian on YouTube
• Ate out
• Watched movies
• I have traveled all over this town and know it like the bottom of my hand

That is only stuff I have done in the last few months. I realize there are not things like, military experience, sky diving, swimming with the dolphins, traveling to far away countries, saving children from burning buildings, etc. but come one, how many people really do those things? Not many. In real life, real experiences are more like "Playing mini golf".
So if life confuses you, ask me your question and I will draw on my vast experience and knowledge to give you a hypothetical rhetorical rebuttal to your musings. (See, I bet you don't even know what half those words are)

Donate to Help Inter-Galactic Life

There is a debate out there right now whether aliens are good or bad or whether there are both kinds. Some people believe they come bearing gifts (mainly of technology) some believe they are coming to harvest things from us (such as hormones). I can't believe in the former. It is too hard to picture these "little green men" from outter space landing in their little spaceship and popping the doors open and saying 'Look! we brought you the Apple Mac G15'. No way. They just look too evil to be that nice. Plus, what are the laser guns on their ship for? Be rational people.
No, I believe they have much nobler scientific pursuits in mind. If you think about it, we humans are composed of many many good substances that promote life and energy and certain types of combustion. As in a recent blog of mine we are also almost perfect incubators for their eggs. They use mind control to get us to do what they want, even to the point of writing favorably about them. So, think about your:

• hormones,
  
• your blood,
  
• your sweat,
  
• your tears,
  
• your digestives enzymes,
• your fecal matter
• urine
• saliva
• bacteria
• snot
• bile
• boogers
• aqueous fluid
• inter-organal fluid
• electrolytes
• swelling fluid when you're hurt
• gas
• flantabimal fluid
• burp
• spit
• loogy (not sure the scientific term)
• mucous
• etc.

and imagine how they could use these fluids. I mean, are you really using them anyway? Really. Their planet and life in general could be greatly improved. So think about how you can sacrifice and help them. I am willing to donate any and all fluids. Especially urine.
Think about it.

The Amazingness of Google Earth

For those of you that don't know, there is an entire picture of the world from Space Sattellites (floating inventions by scientists) Everywhere has been photographed and you can go to Google Maps and type in where you are and see an above view of where you are.
The images can be several years old.
For this reason I have subjected myself to standing motionless, gazing skyward (or in this case sattlliteward) with a large grin on my face in my front yard for 3-5 hours a day during midday.
Surely the probability of being photographed by a Google Sattlleite is probable.

Please Please Lay Eggs in My Head

Today's blog is not really for humans to read (but if you do, that's cool.) This is addressed to you beings from other planets, greys, aliens, extra terrestrials, or some even call you "Little Green Men". Okay. I know you are out there. I have seen almost every episode of the X Files and therefore have a good knowledge of how you work, what you look like and your purposes. I want to first establish communication with you as peaceful. I mean you no harm and am really intrigued by your species. I am honored that you have chosen Earth to study and am even to the point of being quite envious of the humans you have contacted you might say I am "green with envy", ha ha, I'm the little green man! Ha ha (sorry, a little Earth humor there). Anyway, please know that I am more than willing to offer myself to your studies (as long as you don't kill me and please no anal probes)
I am aware that many of your people are looking for host bodies for your eggs. I am willing to let you ram your ovary depositor down my throat and lay your eggs in my chest, or maybe put them in my head. I know this may cause pain and erratic behavior on my behalf, but is for the good of the unification of our species. I would be honored. Please inform me as to all the physical effects and details of this surrogate process. How do you deposit the eggs in my head? How do you past my skull? Do you use a drill? Do you use anesthetics? Is the enough room in my head between brain and skull? If not you may discard portions of my brain that I don't use (or better yet graft them onto one of your fellow being's brain to enhance him) When the eggs hatch, do the babies (or pups?) chip their way through my skull? Or do they squirm above my cerebral cortex until until they find an open orifice through which to birth? This could be my eye, nose, ear or mouth opening. I'm sure I will have to take a sick day that day as anyone witinessing this may become nauseous and vomit or urinate themselves.
OK, thanks friends.
PS Let me know if there is paper work to fill out.
K, bye.

Shootin' Things

At JWU Industries, we like to stay well armed and practiced in our fire arms. It is in this way that our band stays free. We can and will fight for our right to be the kind of band we have become when we left England.

Area Man Overloads the Internet

by Yosh Anderson for the Monthly Waste
GRAND JUNCTION, CO - The World Wide Web was shut down for 2 hours last night at 2:49am as Internet Technicians worked furviously to remedy the problem. The problem? 34 year old Richard Drakeson is cited as the one man responsible for "filling up" the internet.
"I think I realized the problem as I had just finished uploading the Drakeson family photo archive on Photobucket after maxing out my accounts at Flickr, MySpace and Facebook. My computer slowed down and I thought it was just my internet connection. Then I proceeded to upload all 480 of my Blue Ray DVDs onto a private FTP as well every home video any Drakeson has ever made onto YouTube," Drakeson told the Press "Suddenly I got an error message reading 'Warning: The file being copied is too large for the World Wide Web. Please delete files and retry'. I thought that was preposterous, so I retried at which point my computer froze,"
Drakeson then called his personal computer tech who told him all of his clients had the same problem. It wasn't long before they began to realize the dilemma was affecting the entire Web.
"I've never seen anything like this. [Richard] had some damn big files he was uploading," commented Arron Doyle, Drakeson's personal computer technician.
Around 5am this morning a team of 500 technicians working over telephone line were able to get reserve servers up that used Beta Rogue software to find Drakeson's offending files and delete them.
"The largest file was what appeared to be roughly ten years of home videos, mostly of mistaken footage when someone didn't realize the camera was on," commented Mark Rigllhutz, a software technician working out of Silicon Valley "Once we got those videos off YouTube the internet began to fire up all over the world again,".
"I want to apologize to the world for crashing whole darn thing and well...Cokes are on me, everyone,"
-email Yosh at rawar777@yahoo.com

MyFace.com

I'm sick of having a Facebook AND a MySpace, but you have to in order to get the best of both worlds! So here is my proposition: MyFace. All the features from both social networking sites + more ABOUT ME section and a BIGGER profile section. Let people see more of you and want you more!!! Your friends won't help being drawn to your profile to check up on the latest about you! You will have to fight off members of the opposite sex because they will be falling in love with you!!! YOU YOU YOU!

The Kitchbot is Here! *DANGER*

I am so excited. I was listening to Relevant Podcast today and they read the news article of a kitchen bot that looks like a giant refrigerator and moves around very slowly cleaning your kitchen. It moves slowly for quote "safety reasons" but I agree with the Relevant guys that it is to stop it from annihilating humans. I had a refrigerator threaten my life once and it traumatized me so I would be all for limiting what robots have the power to do. Like, I mean, they should be able to do our work for us, but say if they were using scissors, then we should only make their hands able to pick up rounded end scissors, you know? Or maybe if we needed their help with hunting, the gun that the robot uses would be a small caliber, like a .22 so if he decided to shoot you it would be less likely to kill you.

Atrocity

Charity spent weeks raising these sea monkeys and...and...well...just watch the video...

Maybe You've Hd This Happen

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...

Devolution

I'm probably not the first to think of this, but to steak my claim-I'm planning on writing a novel called The Theory of Devolution. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands...but I think a better inspiration would be a city somewhere. A city where humans have devolved the most. It would have to be a city where self and instant-gratification have run amok. I want the city where Jerry Springer is taped, the city with the most Wal Marts & McDonalds per capita, the city where people write reality TV shows and commercials. I want the city where, if you're not playing video games or creating them, then you're actively affiliated with a gang and spend your time snorting blow. A city where corruption is not a derogatory term, but a type of government. I think the city will be called Las HollyVegaswood.
I will go there and figure out how to live on well-fare and food-stamps and see if someone will put me up in their trailer house. I will live on a daily diet of Mountain Dew and chili cheese Fritos and own no less than 8 dogs and 5 cats. I also hope to have several "project" cars out in the front lawn. I will try hard to cease caring about anyone but myself-cause, hey-I'm a victim. A victim of society. It's my friend's fault for making smoking look cool. And it's TV's fault for making me buy more beer. It seems like too, that white males are being held back anymore these days. That's why I won't try to go to college. It's OK though, I got this email from a Nigerian guy who is going to give me like $50 million if I let him deposit his $100 million in my bank account so he can come to the USA. So it's cool scrow. Whycome you gotta be mad doggin' me like that?

Spring is in the Ear

Spring is in the air. You know I have really never understood this term. Why do we call this time of the year Spring? Probably has something to do with springs which indicates the invention of springs goes back pretty far. And I know if you push down on them, they fly into the air..... Or maybe someone meant "ear"...spring is in the ear. Have you ever got a spring in your ear? I have. Mostly on purpose. OK-go have fun in the spring. Bounce or something. I don't know...stop staring at me.

The Internet Told Me

The internet is quite an amazing thing. But really we shouldn't call it a "thing". I mean, after all, it has more combined knowledge than most people - therefore we should refer to it as a him or her. That's what I find freaky. Soon technology will be using that voice dial feature on your cell phone right on your computer. Then you can ask her (the internet) questions. "Hey Internet, how far is South Havana Motor company from here?" or "How come I've never heard of Brian Doerksen before?" and her CPU will automatically Google your question and she will tell you the answer. Somebody will ask you "Where is the 1st Lumbar Nerve?" and you will say "Hey Internet, where is the first Lumber Nerve?" and she will say "Somewhere in the forest," and you will tell your friend and they will be like "Dang, you're smart, how'd you know that?" and you'll be like "The Internet told me"
That's scary because then she will access her logic chip and she will think of EVERYTHING before you. How annoying. "Oh I need to email Mary and tell her I called Jaime," you will say. "No need," the Internet will say "I have already emailed Mary. I also noticed your refrigerator was low on the following items: Ketchup, Milk, Lettuce, Juice and Cheese. I have placed an order to Wal Mart.com and the items will be delivered Friday at 10am. Also, you're carpet was beginning to be high in dirt content, so I ordered your vacuum-bot to clean the carpet."
"Wow, internet, I love you. Good night, sleep good."

We Can Fight the Invasion!

So I just read the news about the US shooting down its own spy satellite. Now, I'm not one of those goofy hair-brained conspiracy theorists, but this event smells to high heavens of a conspiracy. First of all, how the hell does our technologically advanced government lose control of several million dollar top secret satellite? Second of all, if they did why can't they send a bomb to first attach itself and THEN detonate? Or a robot to dismantle it or just fly it back to earth? Oh wait-I just got a word from or producer-the satellite's tape deck got stock playing White Lion on a continuous loop and was broadcasting it to every radio station on earth. Apparently Japan was the only country that didn't vote to blow it up.
So there was definitely a conspiracy going on. I used my brain power and inductive reasoning to realize that this satellite was being used to make Elmo dolls say "Kill James" or "Kill ___" whomever. Think of it! Using Elmo dolls to tell kids to kill whomever needed to die. Using this satellite they built an army of kids to do their bidding. This is definitely the best way to defeat the Illumanati of Reptillian and Chicken people. (I say chicken, but they could just as much be goose, turkey or any type of bird as noted by their "goosebumps" on their skin-especially when they are cold)
You Grand Junctionites know one of their prominent people as well as I do-we call him "Bird Man" and he is often seen on Grand Ave. throwing bird seed out to his less evolved people. I have been hoping for our police or someone to monitor him, but it looks like I will need to do it myself. It won't take long for him to lead us to the Turkey People's secret lair here in Junction (the main one being under DIA in Denver).
I'm willin' to betcha it's under the Alpine Bank. They like to use conspicuous buildings because the best place to hide something is in plain site. Also I have heard a "turkey gobble" once when walking by the Alpine Bank. Keep your ears open for this. Also look out for triangle shaped objects flying in the sky, particularly around that bank.

Ways to Thwart the Turkey People

• Eat chicken noodle soup
• Bath in broth
• Wear "hush puppies" in order to sneak up on them
• Identify them and mark them so we all know who they are (post it notes work well)
• Pay attention to people who spend too much time in the bird isle at the pet store
• Sometime if you make the sound of a prop plane around them it will scare them
• Keep the heat low in your house - the colder the better so as to remind them of a feezer
• Celebrate Thanksgiving-they HATE this day as we gather with families and eat their people
• Support the airlines (this pisses off the bird people because humans have learned to fly)
• Get a cat as a pet (they love to eat birds)
  

Our Existence Explained!

Everything make so much sense now! I'm listening to UFO Paranormal Radio and finally I understand our origins, Atlantis, Hell, UFO's, Hades, Reptillian People, Autism (dolphins trapped in human bodies), sasquatches (bear/human hybrid) etc. Us humans(mamillions) are actually invaders of this planet.
There are 130 or more subterranian bases here in North America where people are being killed by the Reptillians and these stories are covered up as "mine accidents"! The Reptillians can shape shift to look like humans and they have formed secret sects. Have you ever seen someone with Reptillian looking eyes? Those people are not human! They're shape shifted Reptillians!! Don't trust them! You know all the pictures of the devil you've seen? That's a Reptillian! All this knowledge is blowing my mind!
I'm so scared right now. I had already thought that cats were an advanced star people with a higher form of communication than our own. It is so obvious how snide they are. It is also pretty obvious how closely related they are to porpoises and thus autistic children. I saw a YouTube video of a guy who could draw a bird's eye view of Rome after a 15 minute helicopter ride. That is not human! Come on people! This stuff is all right in front of us! Don't be blind! Here are other things I've observed:

• Birds flying in triangle pattern (the same shape as many UFO's)
• Unexplained scars on my body that look like they were caused by reptiles
• Many people in public acting in a zombie-like manner
• The similarity of our skin to feathers (where do you think goose bumps came from?)
  
• Animals looking at me curiously betraying a higher intelligence
  
• A disappearance of bananas from my kitchen counter
• How the placenta seems to be some sort of "belly" tail on the human (doctors have been cutting the wrong end for thousands of years)
  
• Snowmen that are too tall to possibly have been built by humans
• Inventions way too complicated for normal humans to have made
  

What Does My Dream Mean?

We all have dreams, as the AV Bear once wrote, but do our dreams mean anything?
A couple of nights ago I dreamt about Mary Kate and Ashley Kate Olsen riding a "pocket rocket" (a miniature motorcycle)
What does this mean?
I will attempt to translate this dream, but please comment this blog and tell me what you think it means!
I think the motorcycle in this dream symbolizes my "need for speed" if you will....or maybe transportation...or possibly that I will be given a motorcycle soon by someone reading this blog... the Olsen twins symbolize my need to date a twin...or maybe that I have a twin brother seperated at birth(that would explain the scar on my hip). The fact that they are celebrities means I will be famous someday. The girls sucked at driving the thing which says to me that the human race is beginning to fail at overall motor skills, eye/hand coordination and brain to body communication. We are devolving and celebrities are leading humanities devolution on pocket rockets.

It's Time/The Time is Now

We've been pondering and discussing for too long now. I, for one, am tired of us just sitting here on our collective tooshes talking about doing stuff and then doing nothing. The time is now, let's take action. Rally the troops! Call your friends. Call your family. Call your representative. No more inaction starting now. What would MLK think of our inaction? Ghandi?

• Make pickett signs
• Buy a bullhorn
• Write your Congressman
• Write the President
• Write foreign dignitaries
• Conserve
• Argue with people
• Be the change you wish to see
• Free Tibet
• Go green or maybe blue (blue is the color of air and water therefore good too)
  
• Eat organic (this means food with organs)
  
• Buy only fair trade (I had previously mixed this term up with fur trade-oops)
  
• Boycott Epcott (Epcott Center at Disney World because they are guilty of Racial Profiling)
  
• Throw paint on every fur coat you see (I suggest making sure it is not synthetic fur, and also make sure it was animal that was skinned alive)
• Peace
• Make love not war
• Don't eat things with faces (this is not too difficult as we usually don't eat the face of the animal)
  
• Boycott global warming
• God hates flags (I don't know I heard that somewhere)
• Support the troops
• God bless America
• Be more Patriotic
• Eat your vegies
• Vote
• Be informed (there a number for this, call 411)
• Fight communism (I suggest a having a loaded gun near by at all times)
  
• Build a fall out bunker in your backyard in case you fall out
  
• Boycott Hitler and Nazi's and anyone who reminds you of them
• Protest child labor (actually let's protest all labor)
• Buy an American
• Start printing propaganda
• It doesn't matter whether you are a part of the Republican, Democrat, or Other parties, just remember to party!

The Absence of Time and Presence of Evolution Hath Brought Me Wings!

OK...so scientists recently discovered there is no such thing as time. I am incredibly joyous about this decision. This is the biggest discovery since they discovered evolution. This means we should throw away our clocks! As they are false. I am so happy that I will never be late to work again! I will be able to watch my favorite TV show right NOW! (Even though it comes on at 6:00) (because there is no such thing as 6:00 anymore!) Actually I can pretty much do ANYTHING now. I have been patiently waiting for evolution to bring me wings (I have been watching my shoulder blades slowly protruding from my back) but now there is NO WAITING!! WOO HOO!! I'm going to fly this weekend...wait! There's no no more "this weekend"! I can fly now! Ut oh... maybe evolution thought I ordered hot wings....oh well-I'm hungry, I could go for that too.

We Draw, You Decide

We draw,
you decide.

Happy New Year, Lenny

Well, here I am, in 2008. I'm listening to Lenny Welch. I am the future, he is the past. It's cool here Lenny. Your albums came out in the 1960's, you probably lived in a covered wagon. Your time was so long ago Lenny, I feel for your hard times, you probably didn't have electricity or running water. You were black and so you may have been a slave in your time. I wish you could have seen the year 2008. Racism is nearly extinct. The only people using the "N" word today are Gangsta Rappers. Gangsta Rap is a type of music that you didn't have back then. Your rap is what we refer to as "Old Skool" because it was invented in an old school building. You may remember such rappers as Run DMC and The Fresh Prince. I don't believe they ever used the "N" word. My worship pastor actually used the word the other day. In case you didn't know, the N word is "Nursery". I'm sorry. I won't say it again.
Anyways, 2008 is nothing like 2007. Everything is different. The trees are more "stickly", there is white "junk" on the ground everywhere. There is supposedly still "Global Warming" going on but it is really cold outside. Cars are different. There are more animals. There are more cars. Traffic is worse. Time moves more quickly. Perry Como is dead. There is the World Wide Web still but every website is different. Phone booths are obsolete. People don't write "handwritten" letters anymore. My kitchen is a mess from the New Year's party. I'm older. I'm out of milk. On the bright side:

• We may see flying cars this year (I hope).
• Hopefully the new US President will be Margret Thatcher.
• I'm looking forward to the Nintendo and Apple merger and the creation of the iWii.
• Thumbprint ID for every PC (no one will ever be able to hack into your MySpace and post Ringtone ads again)
• The end of world hunger.
• War in Iraq.
• A Creed reunion.
• Smellovision.
• A return to 1950's era etiquette.
• An anitvirus for the Vampiris virus.
• Learning chips that program knowledge into your brain so kids won't have to go to school anymore.
• Supercomputers.
• Bigger pick up trucks.
• McDonald's ULTRA Supersize meals with 1 gallon soda cups and "gorge" size fries.
• Buttons on Blog editors that automatically bullet lists

Enjoy 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!