Out of Context

MAny things we say throughout our days can be outrageously hilarious if just taken out of context, here are some:

"Somebody ate all the twinkies out of my zombie survival kit!" ~Tim Mayer

"Hey...if I can get free Rice-a-Roni, I'll do it too!" ~Me

"No! I don't want to get chocolate cake in my veins!" ~Me

"Let's not throw a frozen turkey at a girl that weighs 50 pounds!" ~Rachel Dawson

"Why are there chickens on the lawn?" ~Charity Meinhart

Tonight: Full Moon, Total Eclipse, Winter Solstice

Hahahaha...uhh...oh jeez...hehehehehe ahh, wow I can't quit giggling! I'm so giddy & slap happy!
Wow, I feel like smashing some mailboxes & streaking! Who's with me???

New Country

Today I heard something really interesting in the news: A new country! Well...I was kind of deep in thought about something (would street cleaners maybe be more beneficial if they used toothpaste?) and so I wasn't totally listening. But I heard them talking about this new country called Eigh-Yough (well, that's probably the English spelling)...maybe it's just EeYoo?. From the sounds of it is VERY VERY near Europe.
Cool, maybe they found a new island on Earth??? How cool would that be? A pure & innocent place in harmony with nature where humans are allowed to be their natural blue color. Well all that will be ruined when the white man comes & bombs the place. White men will foreseeably (in this decade) force them to adopt our government & wear Western Wear. It's going to make The Country General & Murdoch's shares sky rocket. (Those are US Companies) which will make the USA come out of it's repression - a repression that cutting and Prozac couldn't help. (I still can't understand why Prozac, Zoloft, etc. aren't by nature, balancers of the economy - think about it, bad economy, lose job, get depressed, buy Zoloft, economy goes back up!)
I also can't think of how to end this blog, so I use one of my trick! Switching to a random different subject in the last paragraph: Where are you? This is a trick question, so think bout that.

Wigi Leanks

(I had to change the spelling to the way I had accidentally been mispronouncing it so the government won't flag me)


Wiki Links make me really nervous because this is our country's national security at steak. SOme basturd is taking our secrets and posting them all over the internet. I wonder how he would like it if we posted his diary all over the internet, including his plans to put a bomb in his neighbor's garbage disposal?

One thing that worries me is if there is info about me in his Wigi Leaks? I am kind of important to national security in secret ways I can't tell you. Like for instance, I have a lot of really good ideas that I write down (some on this blog) and if he stole my ideas, I am gonna be really pissed. Julian Assange I have something for you. *digs around in pocket* Tadahhh! (My middle finger).

Other ideas I have formulated include:
Jet propulsion by magnetic imagery
Water powered generators
Internal combustion "engines" for searching purposes
A cotton gin
The electronic typewriter
A clothes washing machine
Radioactive horse kennel slideshow McTwist rubber basket case transfer
Detailed maps of the Rice Krispy's involvment in thermonuclear international peace treaties


So watch out Julian (that sounds like a chick's name anyway), I may or MAY not have planted a nest of mice with Haunta-virus somewhere in your bedroom (but don't look behind your dresser).

The F’d Up Little Lamb

Once there was a flock of sheep who were all rather “in the know”, hipster sheep if you will. If one of them saw a certain movie or watched a certain TV show, all the rest had to see it too.If one wore a certain type of shoes, soon all of them would have the same shoes. Most of all, if one bought a certain brand of laptop or phone, the rest of the flock knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that brand was way better than any other.

There was one sheep though, he was black and his name was Yosh. The rest of the sheep called him a contrarian. No matter what Yosh did, he was always different (except when he wore Cons). One autumn, Yosh fell from a tree and busted his neck. Basically he got his ass kicked by a tree. This left Yosh with F’d up hands and occasionally he would knock drinks over in people’s laps.

A while later the flock realized Yosh was retarded in the relationship category and decided they should hook him up with a Cow named Abby. They didn’t care that Yosh was sheep and she was a cow. Abby annoyed Yosh with her incessant mooing.

One day the flock all went to lunch & forgot about Yosh. Yosh was really sad and decided the only way to make things better was cocaine and cutting. Just kidding. Yosh wandered around and Abby found him. As they wandered along they decided to go into a Denny’s or a VI or something...actually I think it was IHOP. They sat down for a cup of coffee and some toast. The waitress had been tripping on ‘shrooms earlier & so she didn’t even seem phased that there was a sheep & a cow in her booth...in fact, she thought she was a chicken anyway.
When Yosh’s toast came out, he saw something quite amazing! Burnt into his toast was the baby Jesus! Yosh thought “well that’s neat”. And he ate his toast.

You see, the moral of the story is that if Yosh wasn’t F’d up, he wouldn’t have seen the cool toast. See kids, when you are maligned by society, don’t worry! One day they will feel bad and try to get rid of you by appeasing you until you shut up and go away. When this happens you will be privileged to see some pretty cool little things here & there. Don’t give up!


The End


Note: All characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone real, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Things to Say

Here is a collection of "witty" things to say that you can use in your Twitter or Facebook feeds. I give you permission as long as you put a squiggly & then my name after it (~Yosh)

"People keep forgetting the "i" when they talk about MiLK Day. Happy MiLK Day everyone!"

"Rhianna! Your. Name. Is. Rhianna!"


"I'm not going to be aloud near Children's Ministry tonight...it's this mustache."


"I'm just gonna go ahead & toot my own horn: I made a World Record last night at Javeline toss...on Kinect"


"these jeans are right in the waist, but how long? can't find length anywhere. the brand: Guess. Me: no"


"I want to make your stomach hurt. Not by poison,ya turkey, by makin' you laugh really hard!"


"Me: "This chick has kind of a nice voice"
Radio: "Justin Beiber with 'Baby'"
Me: "oh""


"New iPad comes loaded to the max with every App. imaginable. It's called the Max iPad."


"More fun than duck duck goose....duct TAPE goose!"

Dear "So & So"...

Dear Spam,
I know you're really a girl who's got a crush on me & is trying to get my attention. After all you are the only one who ever writes me email. I have tried responding to you but it seems there's an error. I have a question, what is Cialis?
Well I hope your "Make money from home" job is going good! Ttyl.

Yosh





Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Thank you.

Yosh




Dear Google,
I have an idea that maybe you haven't tried yet. Buy Apple. Don't be like Yahoo when they had a chance to buy you. Do it now while you have a chance. Then you should buy Microsoft.

Yosh

A Thanksgiving Day Poem

Turkey oh Turkey
Why do you...why do you shirk me?
Hey Turkey Poo
Yeah I'm talkin to you
I like you when you're moist
But not when you...uh...um..when you hoist
Turkey iss....

I'm bored of this

bOrdinary

How many people, on a scale of 1 to 13.5 (1 being the best, 5 the worst and 13, so so) agree with me that most of you are ordinary? And ordinary is boring.
I just accused you, so comment on this blog & tell me why I'm wrong!
Disagree? Take this quiz:

1.) Faced with a surprise random herd of chickens I would
a- Try to feed them
b- Try to pick up the white one
c- Do nothing & get back to work
d- Take pictures of them
e- All of the above


The answer is B. So, yeah, you were wrong.

Going Green

I heard this phrase the other day: "Going Green". I'm pretty sure it was referring to when people become envious. (Or maybe when you yell at the person in front of you at the stop light when they're on their cell phone?) I have seen some vague references to vegetables & eating healthier, and protecting the environment too. I'm starting to think it's a new hip term for being conscious about ways to "save the planet"? So watch this phrase in coming years as it will be everywhere, I think.

This got me to thinking: If everyone did their part we could rid the world of this "green house effect". Greenhouses are places where plants are given an almost perfect environment to flourish & when we get too much CO2 in our skies, this begins to happen. Plants could foreseeably outnumber humans. We may be poisoned by the subsequent outflow of oxygen. Also the plants will probably then evolve beyond our own mental capacity and the next step (probably by the year twenty eleven) will be them RULING US! Damn it.
This cannot happen!

SO!

Here are ways to "save" "the" "environment":

1. Turn the lights off. ALways. We think we need them. We don't. How do you think people in the 1800's did things at night. Also, your headlights suck power from the engine. You'll get better gas mileage w/out them.

2. Do not drive. Or try not to. If you can, coast to work. Burning fuel uses energies from gasses combusted in your internal engine. This makes a vehicular excrement known as CO2 (see above explanation)

3. Don't waste.See this post.

4. Eat less saturated fats. Eat the plants (especially the ones that seem to be evolving sentience).

13. Disassemble the snowman one "ball" at a time.

6. Reduce: I have no idea what this means.

7. Reuse: When something breaks, fix it, don't throw it away & buy a new one! Think, every time you chuck something, it's going to the land fill. Landfills are everywhere & getting bigger. They are filling the land - land that we should be living on & sharing with animals (but not sentient plants).

8. Recycle: you collect your pop cans in a separate bag & then bring them to City Market. They will give you I think 5 cents for every half ton of soda cans you bring in. This is why you see bums collecting cans. It's money people. Recycle for the money.

Actually, I've decided the phrase is really referring to turning green with envy...so disregard everything I just said. Except number 13.

My Top 40 Song

These days with the magic of Auto Tune, anyone can make a top 40 hit ready for radio!
What about rhythm? Don't need it! Let the software make a beat for you!
What about instrumental talent? Really? Are you gonna make me answer that?
What bout voice talent? AUTO TUNE!
What about songwriting? Who gives a rip what you sing about? As long as it has that sweet auto tune sound and a funky beat, you can sing about ANYTHING! (ex. The Huntsville Rapist, that commercial with T Pain where he even talks in auto tune).
What about originality? No need! Today's clubs and top 40 are completely free of it, so why would you need it?


So, here are the lyrics to my new song. The only thing I'm having trouble with is rhyming... I wonder if there is Auto Rhyming software? WAIT! I just invented it!

Da Club
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Money!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'
Except the weekend
And goin' to the club

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin
And actin' like I'm a star
And gettin' all the chicks


Da Club (after run through Auto Rhyming SoftwareTM)
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Moneyo!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'ay
Except the weekend, ey
And goin' to the clubay

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long, bub

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin life
And actin' like I'm a star life
And gettin' all the chicks life

Could You Kill A Moose?

With your bare hands?

First I would imagine you would take off your gloves, because you need bare hands.
Second, you would need to go where the mooses are: Alaska most likey. Although there are a few around here though I think they are endangered and you'd get in big trouble for killing one.
Third: why would you want to kill a moose? Do humans eat moose meat? Maybe you need a coat rack? Or a moose fur coat? I know Mink is frowned upon for coats, but is Moose?
Fourth, think about sneaking upon the moose or maybe dropping down on it from a tree.
Meece are VERY LARGE aminals, so think about that. You don't get a gun or knife. Or a rope. This is...this could be EXTREMELY difficult. No, it WILL. Your only option suffocation. So you must be strong enough to asphyxiate the moose around the neck.
Or I don't know, maybe you can kick it in the ribs hard enough to puncture a lung.

I don't know, OK? Just forget it.


Anyone know what Moose Burger tastes like? I'm hungry.

Thoughts on Things

Voices

Many of us have "voices in our head". Some people have problems with their voices. My biggest problem is sometimes understanding them. Like last night "Mill them all." What is THAT supposed to mean?


Get Well Soon

How soon is too soon to give someone a Get Well Soon Card? I thought about having some on hand at all times. If you saw a kid fall off his bike & break his arm, it would probably make him feel better if you went over & gave him a Get Well Soon card, then called 911.
Maybe the SOONER you gave it, the SOONER they could get well?

The "Center Brain"

You've heard of "right brained" people and "left brained" people. It has been discovered that the left brain is the more logical side thinking in mathematics and concrete concepts while the left brain controls spatial, non-verbal and emotional thought.
In recent years scientists have discovered a small brain within our brains called the Corpus Colosseum. Experiments are revealing that erratic and semi-normal psychopathic behavior comes from this area. Also ultra-sound shows that there is a tiny horse in there running on a treadmill. Exercised cloud-watchers argue the image reveals a unicorn standing on a tortoise. I have seen an MRI of the image and I saw something utterly different. It was a gibbon speaking in Mandarin which I for some reason understood. He played piano and gave me insight into the 5th dimension. The following equation resulted:
a+b5/the root of Potassium Argon x z(moles)to the 5th= the root of the curvature of the space/time continuum.
In other words, if we square it, we have a working equation for finding worm holes in the fabric of time! What a smart gibbon!

Your Minde: A Repository of "Things"

There are things in your head waiting dormant until you call on them to be produced by way of speech, electronic typewriter, musical instrument or artiste's medium. In order to prove to you what I mean I will produce for you a list "things" that come from none other than my mind.
Bull (The male cow)
Car battery
Cat lice
Rope
Mortgage
Rose (and/or lilies)
Macbeth (the play, not the planet)
Pottery
Black jelly beans
Rice pudding
Wrench (16mm)
A red button
Mule
Pastries

Now I ask you, where did these items come from? Not one of them was triggered by a direct and recent experience. However, they lie dormant, put there years ago upon my first contact with them.
So next time, think about what is in your mind and how might you use it. I like drawing and painting and so I think I will draw a bull with a wrench eating a bowl of rice pudding.

PS I'm not British, but if you read this in an English accent it sounds more proper and scientific. Thank you..

Facts

I heard that most facts are made up by the internet. Here are some facts:

George Washington grew heroin leaves

Bamboo has been noted to grow 1000 feet

40% of all men are poisoned daily by their wives at breakfast & given an antidote when they get home each evening.

Coffee grounds are actually ground up cocoa beetles.

Human intestines, when unraveled can be wrapped around the Earth 60 times if pulled taught enough.

Croquet was the first sport to allow janitors to play with royalty and use animals for caddies

A carbon footprint can be made with a boot as well as the bare foot

Kissing can cause high levels of carbonation

Sir Isaac Franklin was the inventor of the apple pie, 3-legged sack races, winking, single-ply toilet paper, radish juice, sponge shoes, "puree" on the blender, trash cans with foot petals, silk worms, ice packs, lamp shades, hand turkeys and wrote many books including "The Great Platypuss Detective", "How Loss 10 Pounds of Fat in One Day", "Residual Carbolic Acid Chronology Tests and How to Ruminate Them: An Alchemist's Guide to the Universe".

Recipe

I thought of a couple good recipes while sitting in traffic today:

Breakfast Slurry
2 Cookies
2 c of milk
1 blueberry muffin
1 c cereal

mix well and enjoy


Castle Roll Casserole

1 helping of Serbian Egg Casserole
1 helping of cheesy potato casserole
3/4 c Lard

Stir helpings together. Bake at 350 for 4 min.


Scorched Earth

5 T crushed Red Peppers
1 minced chipotle pepper
1 c Chili powder
2 T tabasco
1 diced jalapeno
4 minced habanero peppers
5 c cayenne pepper
1 tsp black pepper

Stir together with boiling water. Drink quickly and chase with Vodka (must be Vodka to correlate with "Scorched Earth")


Weed Terminator

4 qt. used motor oil
1 qt. paint thinner
1 gal. bleach
1 c gasoline
1 T power steering fluid
2 c windex

Mix and shake up. Pour on weeds and rodents. Do not eat!

The Self Perpetuation of the "Pop Up" Kleenex

The "Pop Up" Kleenex is that Kleenex box designed to pull up a fresh new tissue conveniently waiting for your hand to snatch it next time you need some blownose. It's a great invention really, it keeps you from fumbling around trying to get a hold of one when your nose feels like its oozing off your face.
Ever the conspiracy theorist, I have caught on to the plans of product developers at Kleenex. They devised a cunning scheme: just by tightening the clear plastic membrane that keeps that tissue popped up there, they have created a perpetuation of their product. They realized that the tightness causes a tiny bit of "tissue dust" to rub off of each tissue pulled through the membrane. The faster you yank one out, the better the potential allergens are dispersed in your vicinity. See? Little particles are breathed in and your nasal passages go nuts! Your nose runs like crazy & you think you're having an allergy attack. You yank another one out and the cycle continues.
This also creates a rapid accumulation of dust bunnies around the area of the Kleenex box. So...maybe a way to defeat their wily plan is to stretch that plastic part before you begin use! Damn the Man! Fight the power!!

My Ideas

*NEW* A T-shirt line for girls called Witty Tittie. On all their their shirts, witty sayings are written across the chest. (SOmetimes I'm glad no one read this blog)

Breed a cow with a coffee plant to get "Already Creamed Coffee"
(Side effects may be coffee flavored beef??)

A genetically modified alarm clock that...that um...(OK I had this bright idea when I woke up one morning and now it doesn't make any sense)

If you're too busy to finish that cup of coffee in the morning, don't dump it out! Leave it on the counter and come back throughout the day for sips of cold coffee!

Have you ever reached for the soap bar off the shower-head rack and dropped it? What if your rack had and extra shelf at the bottom to catch the soap? If the soap landed in there and you tried to grab it again and it slipped out, there could be another shelf below that and so on until it reached the bath faucet. Why didn't you think of that?

Trees that grow paper. These days we are trying to "go green" and recycle everything and reuse as much as possible. People are always saying "Save a tree, recycle this". Well, what if paper grew on trees? We would have an ever renewing source! (Later in the future we could breed these trees with other fibers and even genetically engineer them to grow dollar bills on their branches)

Have you ever pumped yeast into your tires? I haven't. But I would imagine that if you did, the rising property of yeast would causes gasses to release keeping your tires permanently inflated.

Potato chips in the shape of numbers. Then we could literally "crunch the numbers". This will make mathematicians of us all.