Maybe You've Hd This Happen

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...

Devolution

I'm probably not the first to think of this, but to steak my claim-I'm planning on writing a novel called The Theory of Devolution. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands...but I think a better inspiration would be a city somewhere. A city where humans have devolved the most. It would have to be a city where self and instant-gratification have run amok. I want the city where Jerry Springer is taped, the city with the most Wal Marts & McDonalds per capita, the city where people write reality TV shows and commercials. I want the city where, if you're not playing video games or creating them, then you're actively affiliated with a gang and spend your time snorting blow. A city where corruption is not a derogatory term, but a type of government. I think the city will be called Las HollyVegaswood.
I will go there and figure out how to live on well-fare and food-stamps and see if someone will put me up in their trailer house. I will live on a daily diet of Mountain Dew and chili cheese Fritos and own no less than 8 dogs and 5 cats. I also hope to have several "project" cars out in the front lawn. I will try hard to cease caring about anyone but myself-cause, hey-I'm a victim. A victim of society. It's my friend's fault for making smoking look cool. And it's TV's fault for making me buy more beer. It seems like too, that white males are being held back anymore these days. That's why I won't try to go to college. It's OK though, I got this email from a Nigerian guy who is going to give me like $50 million if I let him deposit his $100 million in my bank account so he can come to the USA. So it's cool scrow. Whycome you gotta be mad doggin' me like that?

Spring is in the Ear

Spring is in the air. You know I have really never understood this term. Why do we call this time of the year Spring? Probably has something to do with springs which indicates the invention of springs goes back pretty far. And I know if you push down on them, they fly into the air..... Or maybe someone meant "ear"...spring is in the ear. Have you ever got a spring in your ear? I have. Mostly on purpose. OK-go have fun in the spring. Bounce or something. I don't know...stop staring at me.