one more thing about salt lake

Last night I saw a Mormon missionary going into a liquor store. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Secret Mormon Handshake

OK. I love Mormons, right? They are pretty much the nicest people ever to head out west and settle and build a beautiful temple. They are kind and thoughtful, and they don't act fake at all.

So when I heard from a freind of a friend of a dishwasher at a popular local pub that there was a secret mormon handshake, I wasn't surprised. But last night I had a startling revelation- (oh did I mention I'm in Salt Lake City for the next few days? OK, back to the revelation-) I have discovered that Mormons walk on the LEFT side of the side walk. I'm not sure if they do this to seek out other Mormons or not, but it would make sense. I experimented with this many times last night, and EVERYTIME, they knew I wasn't a mormon b/c I walked on the right side consistantly. Not that they were discriminatory against me... they kindof just gave me that far-0ff look of forelornment, a slight bit of pity that I'm not allowed in their Temple.

Today I am going to try and walk on the left and see if someone might shake my hand in that "special" way. I really want to go in that temple, but I think I'll have to settle for watching some movies about the history of Joseph Smith in the visitor's center instead. Such is.

We Are the Sliced Strawberry in Your Life

The party was flowin' with a constant roar of talking and laughter. The lights were bright, the carpet was clean, everyone was smiling. People were eating from a smorgesboard of snacks prepared by the host; I had a paper plate with nachos, a peanut butter brownie and a slice of fruit pizza. I clawed at a sliced strawberry and it slipped from my grip and landed on one of the host's bar stools. I looked down at the slice of strawberry on the clean cushion and became oblivious to everything around me. With the strawberry in the center of my vision, the chair and everything around me spun to a blur into my mind. I made a mark...messy and stained as it it is, there is a mark in their house because of my presence. We here at JWU Industries are like that strawberry in your life. We come in, spill drink on your carpet, eat all your food and outstay our welcome. So put on "The Most Awesomest Band", sit back and enjoy some Arizona tea, because we are here for you. You're welcome.

For the Love of Music

Maybe you don't care that the last JWU album featured Benson Broyles of the Pineapple Crackaz on the spoken word track "Sarah" and that Benson is cousins with Brother IZ who was huge in Hawaii and especially famous for his version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow/Wonderful World, a cover of Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow from the movie the Wizard of OZ (OZ=IZ, coincidence?) Or maybe you don't care that our song "Rushryche" featured Danny Tivori on vocals and Danny's dad Shimi Tavori is a HUGE pop star in Israel? Well then care about www.live365.com where you can listen to any genre of music any time for as long as you want. I'm listening to 70's music today. I was listening to a Santana song from their second album Abraxas. I'll give a cookie to anyone who can tell me where the title Abraxas comes from. Now I'm listening to Main Ingredient. OK bye.

Cravings for Unedible

I don't really like brushing my teeth. Maybe it's that it takes several minutes of my precious time each day. Maybe it's that I usually brush before I go to bed and usually I 'm tired and don't feel like expending that energy. Maybe it's because I constantly wonder if I'm brushing well enough, or if I need a new brush? Sometimes though, tooth paste tastes bad and you just want to get it out of your mouth. Sometimes tooth paste tastes good though and you almost want to eat it. Haven't you ever wanted to eat toothpaste?

A Poem for the Road

I hate you I hate you
You're always there
I am never alone
You are to my right, to my left, behind me
Most of all you are right in front of me
You suffocate me, can't you leave me alone?
I try to go places you're not, but you show up there
When I am running late you are holding me up
I try so hard to get around, but when I do-you come right back
You're slow, and you're stupid
A lot of times you are overly cautious,
Sometimes you scare me
You are good for nothing
You are traffic

Mad Libs on the Toilet

In response to the previous post...

I do sleepwalk. It's rather terrifying not being able to control yourself in your sleep. Utterly terrifying. On one particular occassion I went into the guest room at my parents house when I still lived there and went through my visiting brother's suitcases. I took everything out of them and refolded everything and put them back in. So apparently I'm OCD while asleep. Awesome.

Another time I turned on every single light in my apt. and opened every drawer. Obviously I was looking for something. When I woke up I also found some old mad libs on the toilet seat. That's what I was looking for. Mad Libs.

Do you think that sleep walkers are living, if just for a moment, in a parrallel universe where Mad Libs are something really important? I like to think so.

Following Your Dreams is a Pain in the Neck!

My neck hurts.
Usually when you're sore, it's the result of some strenuous activity the previous day. But, do you ever wake up and have soreness in muscles when you did nothing the previous day? The only thing that can account for this soreness is that I must have done something strenuous in my sleep last night. Maybe it's something as simple and boring as sleeping in the shape of a cocktail shrimp with my head snugly packed into my stack of pillows against the wall. But I would like to think I was following my dreams (literally) by sleep walking. I mean, I frequently get the feeling, when I wake up, that a lot has just happened and I have absolutely no recollection of it. I distinctly had that feeling this morning, and now, what? A sore neck! So I conclude SOMETHING happened! Maybe I was out fighting Ninjas who came to steal the swords from the ledge in our house. Or maybe I was defending our property from the Red Horde (the Commies for you post-Regan kids). Who knows where my nighttime travels took me last night? Walking down Main Street with my eyes closed may have gotten me into a fight with a bar-fly outside of Quincy's or Mesa Theater. Maybe I wrestled a homeless guy after stepping on him in the alley. Maybe I went to a 24 Hr. Gym and did neck exercises. The possibilities are endless. In conclusion: Following Your Dreams is a Pain in the Neck!

Salad Snot

I think Luscious Jackson sounds a lot like POE but with more of Kelis type beat, what do you think? I wonder if Luscious Jackson is in any way related to Micheal Jackson? I like Micheal Jackson in a nostalgic sort of way...reminds me of being a kid in the 80's. I remember tha' 'hood, the older kids up the street and how we looked up to them. I remember a baby sitter finding my He-Man slime that had started to dry out and she made a brain out of it. I remember trying to convince her that there were Gremlins outside on the deck. Not just monsters, but the actual ones from the movie. It was a good movie, Gremlins-I wonder what it would be like if they released it today. It would probably be loaded with sexual innuendos and mild bad language-stuff that is now OK to say, like ass. You used-to-couldn't say "ass" on TV. Now there's TV everywhere. There's even one in the bathroom at Red Robin-because we all know how freakin' dull it is to use the bathroom. I was thinking they should have a magazine rack in there to help pass the time, but who wants to touch a magazine that someone before you was touching while they pooped? There would probably be a colony of germs on it. Germs are amazingly mobile-have you ever thought of that? Why? Think if they weren't! They be able to make salad bars without the sneeze shield. In fact, we might not even be grossed out if someone sneezed in our meal. Mmmm sald snot

Unpoppable Tires.

Last night I was riding my bike home from a friend's. I was about 2 miles from home when my back tire blew out. I had to walk the rest of the way home. I remember about 4 years ago riding east on North Avenue. I was on the side walk cruising along when a truck started to turn right in front of me to go to Sonic Burger. I had slam on my brakes with all my might not to hit his big truck. My brakes squealed, I think I peed a little bit. I heard the guy yell out his window "If you wouldn't ride on the sidewalk, that wouldn't happen!!" To this day I still think about what he said often. Usually people get mad at you for riding on the sidewalk because you might hit a pedestrian, but what he was mad about made no sense to me. Whether I was right or wrong, me riding on the street or side walk wouldn't have made a difference in that situation. He should seen me and let me pass either way. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind how ridiculous it would be for me to ride on the street, especially during that busy time of day. I would have clogged traffic (there is no bike lane or even shoulder there) at very least-or been sideswiped by someone who didn't see me. Anyway, with these insane gas prices, I say we all start riding our bikes EVERYWHERE! Wouldn't it be cool (and healthy) oh and...environmentally good, if we all rode?! Maybe then the city will make more bike lanes and someone will invent unpoppable tires.

Recycled Ideas

When I was a little kid, my brother, our best friend and I fashioned swords out of pieces of wood in the back yard. My brother climbed to the top step of the playhouse/jungle gym, raised his sword in the air and proclaimed "I'm the KING!" our friend claimed his own king name (all in baby talk) and so when I yelled out "King Arthur" it came out more like "King Arfdu!" Fast forward 20 years or so, here I am with an assignment from my band to write a story as the intro to our Rush and Queensryche inspired song "Rushryche". I know exactly what I want to write! An epic about a Conan-style warrior from another planet. I rack my brain for that hero and my brain spits back out a King from my olden days! King Arfdu!! So King Arfdu resurfaces in this song so elegantly read by Jeff Kirtland and accompanied by Jon James on keyboard. Fast forward to yesterday, when we decided to make a radio trailer for King Arfdu the Movie. I run through my head what this trailer might sound like-so my head comes up with other movies with similar heros! One I think of Beast Master! Remember that movie? With Mark Singer and he could use animals to his advantage (ex. he could see through the hawk's eyes) So I tried to find the trailer on YouTube when I hear Jon saying he has something for me. I he comes out of his storage room with a full on movie poster from Beast Master 2! Well Charity get's the bright idea that this needs to be hanging in our office but she doesn't have her car with her. So they force me to take this stupid poster with me. So that may be why you saw me carrying a Beast MAster poster and a Snoopy Phone to work today. (The Snoopy phone is another story)

Gangsta Rap

I've been thinking about the likes of DMX, Ludicris, Ja Rule, Busta Rhymes, and G-Unit lately. It's strange how a genre can be so hated by some people and so loved by another. At JWU Industries, we make real music, real music for the working people-not car parts. We have done, old people choir songs, German techno/industrial, hillbilly, spoken word, Spanish, modern rock, children's, death metal, 80's, Blues, southern rock, classic rock,-whoa cool! there's a squirrel outside my window rummaging around in the grass!- story telling, ambient/chill, etc. So I am really wanting to do a Gangsta Rap song, but I think we'll start out a little more family friendyly with an old school rap song in the vain of early Will Smith, Run DMC, P.I.D., D Boy, Stephen Wiley and such. Why does it always have to be about shooting people and doing drugs? Why can't it be like the old days when a buncha brothas from the hood would get together on the street-one guy beat boxin' and another waxin' freestyle?

A Smooth Gate

If I get coffee in a typical porcelain coffee mug and then try to walk to my office, I will invariably spill it on myself. I wonder if it's just me, or does everyone have this problem? Are you supposed to fill the mug low so this doesn't happen, or are you expected to walk smoother? Do I have a rough gate? I decided, this morning after spilling all over my hand and cargo shorts, to attempt a smoother gate. I realize the reasons for a smoother gate can be much grander, for instance, a wide receiver in football needs a smooth gate so that he can keep his eye on a pass intended for him as he runs full speed toward the end zone. I just want to be able to make it to my office without sloshing coffee all over me.

Is There Meaning in Evaporative Conscious Drainage?

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Last Night

Last night I was really tired so I left the Rockslide (local Brew-Pub) and when I got home I sat down on the couch and talked with my roommate. When he went into the kitchen to make a casodilla I fell asleep. That tells you how tired I was. Then I went to bed. Don't lose interest yet! I was awoke by one roommate yelling at the other. I think he was about to kill the noisy one!!! I thought I was dreaming at first. Does anyone else have these issues? Issues of thinking you're dreaming at first?

Animal Crackers

I just don't understand, why call them Amimal Crackers when they are clearly cookies! I can eat many aminal crackers at a time. I remember when I was a youngin' and they came in a little box with the picture of a train car for a circus with aminals in it.

Fight for your right to party

Really, I think that its in the constitution that you have a right to party. But when did you have to fight for it? I thank all the people who have gone before me and led the way, Like Rodney Culverwell who got so drunk that he ate the lobsters that his mother was saving for a special dinner, and he used a microwave to cook them! and Mark Barber who Showed up to work at burger king three days in a row with a hangover. So keep up the fight you patriotic people and fight for your right to party!

Dreams

Everyone has dreams.
Including me.
Some wish for wealth, some for fame, some for love, but not me. I have often thought man, wouldent it be cool if aliens were to give me a supercomputer that could transform matter into any objects I wanted. Then I could have a spaceship with a reclining couch and travel to places I want to see, like go to mars and look at that face or to the moon and leave a bunch of trash from McDonalds and someday freak out future astronauts because they would find the trash and go "hey this is a wrapper for the McRib! They quit making those over 100 years ago!" And then my supercomputer could also make me a time camera so I could send my videocamera thru time and look at all of the suspicious events that have happened. The time camera would be out of phase with the rest of the universe(of course) so it would not be detected and I would not cause any time line troubles, but I would be the first guy to know about these things. I'm thinking that if aliens monitor all the blogs then they will come and give me the supercomputer. Oh and a holodeck that makes real girls too. Anyhow you got to have dreams and someday perhaps they will come true.

War in Iraq

Just kidding! I mean, there IS a war in Iraq, but I'm kidding about writing about it, I just wanted to use that as bait. Really I want to talk about what's on my mind lately. Lately I have been thinking about this huge tree I see out my office window and so today at lunch I rode my bike over there. I really want to climb it but I'm not sure if its on private property. I have been cited for trespassing before and I'm afraid about how some people are so quick to punish you to the full extent of the law for something so SMALL. It was a beautiful afternoon but I was scared that I might get "goatheads" in my tires.

Sometimes I wish I were a robot

Man would that not be great? If I were a robot I could Ignore all the things that people say like "hey you idiot why are you wearing all that tin foil and a box on your head?" or things like " You have a coolantleak in your pants" Man, someday people will have a robot, and maybe a robot girlfriend who will sit and watch japanese anime and think its cool too and will dig his WOW rating and will not get mad when you eat chips off your chest and use your bellybutton as a salt dish for celery.
Robots are cool

why the hitler mustach is funny only sometimes

I didnt want to do it, but you forced me. In the never ending thing that is facial hair, I think that people sometimes get obsessed with things that they have no control over. Yes you can turn your molestach into a hitler special, but dont show it to people that really like Oprah, or people that think Dr. Phil is the only hope for them, because they will just look at you and yell things like"you are the worst person I have ever seen! How can you have a Hitler style and not think about all the terrible things he did! You must like Hitler, therfore you are a little Hitler! I'm calling the personell director and see what he says about this you wont have a job later mister if I have anything to say about it!" Well I guess I wont show her my novelty KKK halloween costume either. Anyhow Hitler did some good things, like killing himself, and...well thats about it. And the KKK? Well they show us the results of inbreeding and a 3rd grade education, and excessive beer andmany other things I dare not mention. But no matter what you do someone will always get offended. So just shave off the facial hair completly and you will be ok. Any racial overtones or offending text in this message is only meant to show that these things have no place in a civilized society and should not be tolerated. Of course this should be obvious to anyone who isnt a retard.

Nasty Bits

tODAY i MA THINKING OF THE COLOR GREEN AND WONDERING ABOUT oh crap sorry the button that shall remain nameless was on. I don't want to point any fingers CAPS LOCK but, you know, it was someone over by the "a" key.

I have a PC and not a MAC, but I know a guy that has a MAC and he is the smuggest AV bear I know.

Do you ever wonder about the weather? Did you know that there is a conspiracy theory for literally everything under the sun? I have always been amazed by conspiracy theorists. They are so confidently paranoid!

But you need to stop and ask yourself: What if Bigfoot really did coordinate the 9/11 attacks from an underground base in New Mexico?

WHAT IF?

I like cats.

very first blog for no one to read

Hello internet! I am so excited to meet you and get to know you.

About me? I like angry celebraties like Al Gore and Lou Dobbs, and I like history- esp. the history of the dinosaurs. I like to philosophize with the kinfolk and play football with King Arfdu. I am in a progressive rock band called Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle. We are really big in Japan.

Thanx for stopping by! I'll be sure to have very interesting articles and thoughts from the Land of Nod, as well as witty remarks about smug politicians.