Freakin Super Banana

Is it just me, or have you guys noticed the abnormally large produce at Wal Mart?

• Tomatoes the size of softballs.
  
• Onions the size of um...softballs.
  
• Huge apples
  
• and oranges
• Pumpkins
• Potatoes
• Celery sticks as big as...softballs
• Even their non-produce is huge, like the meat and even the paper-towel rolls
• Strawberries as big as meteorites
  

I believe they are pumping them full of hormones to make them look more desirable on the shelf. They are chemically doing things to make their color brighter because they are picking them before they are ripe. I kind of think this Gigantor Food is disgusting, but I eat it nevertheless. Today for instance, I was eating a banana and it was a powerful banana. its skin nearly impenetrable. I grabbed the opener tab and pulled like usual but the babana would not open. I yanked on that sucker and instead of ripping open I was just turning the insides into mush.
Oh well, look at the bright side. If these hormones are causing the fruit to become "Super", they probably are doing the same for us. I've noticed I don't have anymore symptoms of puberty (we can argue whether this is due to my age -28-or the Wal MArt produce) I have heard parents saying their kids are growing up much faster these days. See? How bad can these hormones be? Maybe since my bananana had tough skin, by eating it I will too. Then you can level all your insults at me and nothing will hurt me.

2008 Resolutions

Well....I've decided since you're not reading this I might as well get personal and post my new year's resolutions. There are quite a few as I was a screw up this year:

I resolve to:

1. To become a better listener (to aide in this I will buy hearing aides. I know I don't need them, but they will aide me)

2. To get stronger bodywise. I will carry large pails of water up long flights of stairs. I will pick up heavy things whenever I think about it (for instance, if I'm standing by the fridge I will do some reps by lifting it off the floor-maybe...I might not be able to because it is extremely heavy) I will do door-frame chin-ups. I will do jumping jacks while waiting for things (in the elevator or in line at the post office)

3. To get stronger brainwise. I will read while doing jumping jacks. I will read whatever I can, newspapers, dictionary, encyclopedias, Bibles, magazines, phonebooks, travel brochures, billboards, license plates, informational signs (IN, OUT, MEN, WOMEN, STOP, YEILD), the CNN ticker, the internet, mass mailings, reader boards, credit card applications, dossiers, milk cartons, text messages and receipts. Oh and a book.

4. I will laugh more. This will include seeing more comedies as well as "laugh inducing"-such things as tickling myself, telling myself jokes, forcing myself to laugh at nothing, witnessing sight gags, looking for misspelled reader boards, observing people do stupid things like slipping on ice and cracking their head, putting a rubber band around a dog's snout and watch him try to get it off, stare at people, inhale Nitrous Oxide, etc.

5. I will be nicer to people. I will let people into my lane in traffic, even if they don't wave "thank you". Help an old lady across the street. Sell boyscout cookies (or girl if they're out). I will do a kid's homework and try to get a good grade. I will shovel the snow of one person's driveway for a maximum of $10. I will give the hobo's money for beer.

6. I will try to cook something new next year. Maybe a Kish Cake. Or I wonder what it will taste like to bake stawberries.

7. I will take time out to write "that novel". It will probably be an autobiography about my own life. It will start out when I was born and how I grew into a young boy. I liked to dig holes in the back yard, yada yada. I will write every chance I am not doing jumping jacks or reading. This means lap top everywhere! If you see me with my lap top don't bother me as I am writing my novel. Unless you can remind me of something that happened to me in my life. Then come on over and tell me.

8. I WILL travel more. I will plan trips to places I have never been such as South Carolina, Asia, the Eifle Tower (the one in Paris), Huntertown Indiana, the moon (if I can score a ride), 39°34′29″N, 75°35′37″W, The Savings Bank Museum in Southwest Scotland.

9. Have more dreams. This may be hard to make happen but maybe eating pizza at midnight will help. I will study R.E.M. sleep and how to make it happen. I hope to have fun flying dreams.

10. Become famous. I don't know what this looks like as 2008 is still weeks away, but I will either be an up and coming actor in Hollywood, a rising Rock Star in a band called Tweep, a famous neuro-sugeon or possbibly the inventor of something. Or maybe I will just shoot for the Ginus Book of World Records-maybe world's coolest made up accent? I don't we'll see. Well, I'm out, but I will see you 2008! Until then, let's make peace here in 2007! Peace out!

"Elsie, how the hell did you get up there?"

A "To Do" List

Just by browsing some random blogs I have come to realize the "proper" thing to blog about is either politics or tracking your weight loss for the world to see. I'm sorry, I cannot bring myself to blog about these things. Who on the planet Earth gives a rat's ass about your how many pounds you've lost this week? OK, OK, I realize the things I write about aren't very interesting either and thus the title of this blog. But at least I am captivated by what I write and at least I can at times laugh my ass off at the things written by Yosh. OK now I sound semi-arrogant. I'm not though. I actually have little of myself inside myself and so I am not "full" of myself. Anyway, here's what I need to do:

To do:
1. Stop writing stupid blogs.
2. Read a book.
3. Eat a banana.
4. Drive.
5. Learn more Spanish.
6. Drink some wine and eat crackers with cheese.
7. Do "lunges".
8. Wash the dishes and put them away (make sure the counter top is clean)
9. Write stupid blogs.
10. Buy some bullets.
11. Call a hotline.
12. Roast peppers.
13. Learn a magic trick.
14. Slap someone in the face.
15. Draw Rob Zombie on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.
16. Lick something rusty.
17. Jump off of something high (& hold nose as if in water)
18. Sleep on the wall.
19. Try to understand quantum physics.
20. Aerate the lawn.
21. Smell an aboitoire
22. Harvest mice eggs.
23. Play basket ball after drinking wine.
24. Skitch like we did last summer.
25. Help the FBI exhume a body.
26. Wonder about things and then write about it.
27. Make rice fillets.
28. Learn a new hobby (probably building model cars)
29. Chryogenically freeze a body part for use later in life (probably my left hand as I am using my right)
30. Burn fire. (I will need to invent this)
31. Try to excerpt energy from leftover pig.
32. Turn off the lights more to conserve energy for future humans.
33. Build a car that runs off of cow methane.
34. Visit Roswell. (Keep senses alert for any "strange" activity)
35. Base jump the Hoover Damn.

Myoria

"What is a 'Round To It'?" he asked scratching the side of his head characteristically. Roy had thick curly black hair and always had a comb or pencil or some object lodged in in it.
"Well it doesn't matter what I think," answered Cody. "I know that that no matter what I think, you won't even begin to use what advice I give you,"
"I'm getting dizzy, can we maybe just...I don't know, can I pass?" Roy said standing up and walking out the front door.
"Where's he going?" asked Ashley.
"He does that all the time," came Charlie's voice. "He needs to go for a walk," Charlie pulled off the motorcycle helmet he was wearing. "Man this thing is tight,"
Roy suddenly realized he didn't know what neighborhood he was in, yet his sense of mission drove him passed the houses across the street and into a pasture. In his confusion he didn't much feel the cool of the night. A half hour passed and he came upon a brook flowing through a thickening forest.
He sat on a log and pulled his head off. He let it float into the air and watched his body sitting on the log as the distance grew. He felt elated. What will the others think? he wondered.
Meanwhile Charlie realized he was alone. Ashley and Cody had been merely a pillow and a sack of Idaho Potatoes respectively. He felt cheated and his mind reeled to pin who was responsible. It was Roy! He had known for years now that it was Roy. Roy was the one responsible for Charlie's car melting.
One day Charlie had meeting to be at and he was running late. When he opened the garage door, to his horror, his car was a puddle. He had to ride his bike to his meeting with S.C.L.O.R.
"DIE DIE DIE," Ben yelped at him.

Boneless Skinless Things

Today I was eating a carrot and I bit into the bone-ouch! How annoying that is! I think I chipped a little piece of the bone cause I spit it out. I guess I'll go back to buying skinless boneless carrots. Even though carrot skin is OK to eat, much like chicken skin. OH!! You know what? They make bonesless chicken! I don't know how you would do that-do you? But it would be nice. I think the life of the chicken would be hard though....well, maybe not. It might be really fun, he would be stretchy and be able to slurk under doorways and probably fit through that pesky chicken wire. Wouldn't that be freaky to be sitting there at he kitchen table enjoying some lemonade?
...what?.....oh, I mean freaky if you all the sudden saw a hungry chicken slurk under the doorway! AHH! that scared me just thinking about it. Think about how his eyes would look, kind of like a flounder. With nothing but his skin holding him together he'd be amorphous. Well, unless he was boneless skinless chicken. Then he (I actually have been meaning she because he chickens are roosters and we don't eat rooster...do we?) would be a pile of uncooked white chicken meat. Shoot, I forgot about the feathers. Well-PILLOWS! Gee chickens are useful. But anyway, carrots are better boneless.

Charity's Church Mouse

There's a mouse creature in our copier. Charity saw him first; she saw him scurry across the room and then we couldn't find him. Next day: Harmony was pulling out a jam and spraying parts off with canned air when we heard her scream bloody murder. The mouse was right there on the fuser. Before she could grab him by the tail and scarf him down (I'm sure she would have if she was quick enough) he jumped back into the machine.

The Mouse in the Machine by Josh Anderson
I pulled out every drawer of the copier and opened every door. I couldn't figure out where he went. He is still in there....living. One day his going to get caught in the wheels and there will be a bloody mess and color copiers of a SMASHED bloody mouse. Hmmm, I'm hungry for cheese.
Charity's own account

When Do I Get to Be a Robot?

That ole' Toby Robot...yessiree....he is cool. Calm. Collected. He never gets overly involved. I like him...he's kind of my role model. I'm tired of being soft flesh. I'm tired of caring. When do I get to be a Robot? This is how I will look. I will be called P198-FJ007Z and you won't be able to hurt me.

I Just Spoke Forth Loudly

You know how sometimes when you've been pent up all day either in your office or even in your home and you just need to get out? You know how sometimes you then see something a little puzzling and fix that little something, how you then talk to it as if it were a person and you do so out loud and in a rich Australian accent? Well I just did that. I saw my iTunes library where it displayed the "In The Dark Eternal" goth radio station on live365 that I was listening to and it said end of broadcast. So I said to it "End of broadcast? I'll show you!" and I restarted the station. Then I wondered what AV Bear would think of me talking to no one. He didn't say anything. Well, what do YOU think? Commence comments.I drew this broom, K?

What Do You Think of That??

If I knew you, the reader, I would come in when you least expect it and slap you across the face. While you held your cheek, looking at me in bewilderment I would stare at you blankly for 10 seconds and then proceed the rearrange the furniture in your room or office. Right as I was about to leave I'd just say "What do you think about that?"
See, if you could float about 200 ft. in the air and watch life happening, you'd see all these cars driving neatly where the should and parking in spaces aligned for them. You'd see people going where their told and sticking to pre programmed time schedules. BORING!! Where is the creativity??? When I was little I wanted to do things my own way. Not in a rebellious way, I just wanted to have my own slant on everything I did or had or made. Somewhere along the line, boring adults tell you 'you have to do this or that. You have to do it this way or that'. Without even realizing it we live life in a box! And I'm tired of it.
Things are going to change and Charity is documenting it:
http://ubercharity.blogspot.com/2007/10/social-experiments-at-work.html
Oh and this explains it without words:

Soul in the Brain

Do you ever think about where your soul actually resides? I think by the process of elimination we know it must sit in our head. I mean, think about it, much like automobiles, all of our parts are interchangeable. Even an organ as important and intricate as the heart can be transplanted! Amazing! But the one accessory that we can't order from the hospital for replacement is the brain. If you switched someone's brain, you'd switch them.
Imagine that...let's say you're in an accident in which your body was beyond repair while your brain remained unscathed. Meanwhile a patient in another room lies in a coma with a perfectly usable body. Has this ever been tried before??? Isn't that creepy? They should make a movie about this (or maybe they have...actually...I'm sure there is something like this out there) So you wake up a week later and the first thing you notice is your hands....they're not yours.... What? what the heck??? You start freaking out as you begin to examine your entire body. You start sweating and your heart is racing as you climb out of the hospital bed and find a mirror. What you see in the mirror sends a shock of horror through your being. Your face doesn't match the one you have seen in the mirror in all of your memories. Can that really happen?
So I wonder what happens if they plop your brain into an animal...say a golden retriever. Why won't that work? All the wires don't pug in and match up I suppose.
What about those "wires", the nerve attachments.... if we figured that out could we maybe make wireless connections? A brain in a lab somewhere controlling a body downtown. The body wonders into a candy shop where there is a low hanging display for gummy bears. The controlling brain misjudges the body's height and hit the head on the sign making a very hollow sounding "thump".
At this point others in the candy shop are on to the fraud. Nobody's head sounds that hollow. In fact, when they look at the body in the eye they can tell there is no soul. OK I'll shut up now-this is enough imagery for your week leading up to Halloween :)

Rat's Ass

I was listening to Folk Radio on Live365 when the commercial broke through the Ethel Caffie-Austin's John the Revelator asking "What is the difference be you and the millions of millionaires out there?" at which point my brain screamed I don't give a rat's ass! The reason behind the reaction isn't my point, but it's because one, are there really MILLIONS of millionaires out there? and two, are you kidding? the difference between me and them is they have a lot of money! And my reaction of not caring is because they're going to feed me a line of BS about how I can be a millionaire too. The Bible warns us against "Get Rich Quick" Schemes. ANYWAY! My point is, why did I say I don't give a rat's ass! ? Where did this term come from? Can I logically conclude that giving a rat's ass means caring? Should I say that from now on when someone tells me how hard their week has been, should I say "Oh man, that sucks...I give a rat's ass" ? And why a rat's ass? Are the origins of this idiom based in truth? Is there some kind of ancient custom of people cutting the hind end of of a rat to show their benevolence to someone??? Why don't keep the custom going? There could be a special bin where biology majors toss "used" rats after dissecting them and they could sell them as Benevolence Rat's Asses.

Life Lessons and the Art of Snowboarding

I picked up snowboarding way later than most of my friends, so I got to watch them doing 360 tail grabs while i was still falling on my ass every 5 seconds. I learned quickly though and my first season on a board my buds were already taking me on tree runs. I put some good nicks on my board, good bruises on my butt, shoulders and hands from hitting trees. One of my buddies, after noticing how sap covered I came out of the trees, told me some of the best advice I have ever learned that carries through to others sports and even life itself. "Pick a path and look where you want to go, not at the trees!" It was hard to get myself to do it-how do you not look at that tree you're about to collide with and hard!? But I quickly found out he was so right. When I ignored the trees, suddenly I wasn't headed for them anymore.
A couple weeks ago I took a motorcycle training course where we were instructed to weave some offset cones. At first it seemed nearly impossible not to hit the cones. Sure enough though, the instructor told us "You will go where you look! If you look at the cone you will hit it!" So when I applied my snowboarding skills and looked through the obstacles at my path, suddenly it was easy.
I think we can apply this to life. Don't get so caught up in our present struggles to the point we're not looking at the overall picture of where we're headed. Wow, this is way more inspirational than the usual JWU blog...now I need to write something really stupid. I'll be right back.

Hollywood Style Wreck

Friday night me and my homeboys were coming out of a local brewery full of alcohol and piss. As we climbed into my buddy's truck we saw a Mustang whiz by on Patterson (40mph zone) probably going over 100mph.
"Did you see that?!" I exclaimed. Not 3 seconds after the words came out of my mouth we all heard a screeeech-thump! THUMP! thump, thump!
"Did you guys hear that?!! I think that car just rolled!!! He had to have just rolled his car!" I yelled stupidly. Then we saw a cloud of smoke billow up above the trees.
"Let's go drive by!" my buddy said.
"No, dude! We can't! That means we're required by law to help and I don't know how! Plus none of us are in a good condition to help if you know what I mean!"
So we drove to a point one block south and ran through a field. As we came out of the clearing we saw plenty of by-standers including the girl whose car was clipped by the speeder. She had been spun around and was really shaken up but OK. He and another witness said that the driver of the Mustang crawled out and ran away.
Down the street not 50 yards from us was the Mustang facing us engulfed in Hollywood-Style 6 foot flames. My buddy ran up near it to take video with his phone.
"Dude! Get away from there! that things gonna blow!" we yelled at him. Right about that time we heard a BOOM! and saw pieces of flaming debris fly into the air.
All in all it was a good time and I wouldn't hesitate to do it all again!

The Future is Here!

That's right people! JWU recently took a journey to the country of Tennessee. On our trip we were amazed at some of the technological advancments of the airports and airplanes we traveled. As if air flight wasn't mind boggling enough, these are some of the things we saw on our journey:

"Flat Screen" Televisions in the concourses.
The pilots spoke to us over a speaker system in the plane.
The seats on the aircraft we designed as flotation devices "In the unlikely even of a water landing". High speed underground trains (pictured)

Moving stairs that you just stand on and they carry you up or down (pictured)Futuristic aerospace tentlike ceiling (pictured)
Futuristic silver trash recepticles (Pictured)My favorite, a moving floor panel. No need for walking anymore! Simply step on this "magic carpet" and it wisks you away! (Pictured)

Statues of happy naked people. The future is astonishing! (Pictured)
Futuristic structure with colored lights (Pictured)

The future is in fact here! That means Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle needs to release the new album "Hits From the Future"

PS JWU was in Nashville this week. This could have been a huge opportunity for us to make it big, but we forgot to bring demo CDs to pass out. So we hoped to maybe play some of our songs on Music Row but we didn't really know what to do...so we didn't. Charity did get to meet a reasonable facsimile of Elvis Presley though (Pictured)

My Invention

It's here folks! The greatest merger of technology since Apple bought....um....Orange. Anyway, I shall call it GooTube. It will use advanced technology to visually search the internet. Use your webcam or camcorder to capture images and then GooTube will automatically do a video search of whatever you are filming. Of course I need to find some really smart computer geeks to develop the technology, but by writing this blog you can see I made it up first!

Conference of the Birds

Three of them are out there on the grass. They are chirping very loudly. One is facing the other two. He will say something and then they will all move swiftly and smoothly on their feet about 5 feet and stop abruptly with more chirping. I don't know bird lingo; I really wonder what they are saying. I think the first guy is like "Now listen, we all know there are worms out here, but I don't see any, do you?" And really he's trying to get the other two to lose hope and leave so he can have all the worms to himself. But the other two are calling 'BS'. "Frank, you're full of crap-I SAW a worm like 2 feet behind you,"
"No, no, no," Frank says as he walks that way to scare the worm back into his hole. "That was a...a..umm....it was hot dog," he recoiled foolishly.
"A hotdog?!" Pete says looking over at Sam.
"Are you kidding me? A worm is nothing-" Sam was cut off by Frank.
"LOOK! It's the Byrds in concert!!!" Frank pointed to an imaginary band behind the other two. Pete and Same knew the Byrds weren't there but looked back to humor Frank. Frank realized he was deep in his lie, but took the opportunity to pluck the worm from the ground and then fly away.
I can still hear them arguing out there.

Da Blues

Not that I don't like the Blues, but I don't listen to them when I'm sad. There is a degree of acceptance in Blues music; they seem Blue about things, but more like "Well, that's reality, deal with it,". But I'm like no way! I'm not gonna DEAL with it Joe Burns! I shouldn't be in this situation. The world done me wrong! I want my music to feel like I feel. Moby is good.

A Low Rumbling

I'm freakin' out man!! I hear a low rumbling, kind of like a semi passing by on the interstate or someone a block away sitting their car listing to their music with the sub woofers blaring. The thing is, no one else can hear it. Charity said I must have a brain anurism (sp). Featuring Enchilada McKenzie said I should just shut up and turn up the Beach Boys I was listening to. The thing is the bass is UNDER the Beach Boys!!! Maybe Tag Team's 'Whoomp There It Is' or the Beastie Boy's "Brass Monkey" or the 69 Boy's 'Tootsie Roll' would have the bass to cover it up, but certainly not these oldies like We Five - they recorded before bass was invented. Just kidding, they played bass guitars, but there wasn't this sonic, studio produced bass that is most electronic and hip hop music. Remember when sub woofers first started showing up everywhere and then these guys started have bass contests at their car shows. This led to the bass tests CDs that really aren't music, just pulsing sounds that blow out normal speakers. this is what the aliens are using on me RIGHT now. No one else can hear it because they aimed the sound waves right at my head. They are having a bass contest and they found that when they channel the sound waves through my mind, it amplifies the bass. This is because I can use my imagination to make a sub woofer that is so big it doesn't fit well into the Grand Canyon. All i can do is let them finish the contest. I bet I don't get anything for helping them out. Selfish bastards. Get OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!

Salsa Verde ala Meinhart

I started cooking with tomatillos for the first time last night. Mostly because I am growing them in my garden and there are going to be a TON. So anyway, here's the recipe I came up with. This makes a good, tart, and moderatley hot salsa. Enjoy.

Cover in water 7 or 8 small tomatillos and one anaheim pepper, stem removed, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about 15 minutes.

Chop up, and place in blender along with one diced jalapeno (stem removed), 1/2 buch cilantro, 5 garlic cloves (peeled), and a handful of fresh mint leaves.

Pulse until moderately smooth.

Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a sauce pan. Add salsa mixture and cook on medium until reduced, about 10 minutes.

Eat hot or cold with whatever feel like. Now leave me alone.

p.s. shamus put tobasco in it and ruined it. don't make the same mistake.

mind test complete: you are a worm farmer

So, I don't mind getting paid less than a pizza delivery man to do design work. It's fun and I have met some cool and/or funny people. I have also met some weird and/or bossy poeple, but I can live with that.

But what I really want to say is, don't you think it would be great if we all had to take a mind-test to determine what we get to do in life and how much we get paid? I know it sounds very matrixy/communist, but, man, think of what the world would look like. There are some very stupid people in charge of the world.

If I took that test I would probably still be getting paid less than a pizza delivery man to do design work. That's cool. I am smart but not smarter than everyone else. But I bet my brother would be president because not only is he book smart, but he can kick anyone's ass at trivial pursuit. EVEN after several beers! WOWzee!

And I bet the AV Bear would be a cabinet member because, come on, that guy is the pop culture KING. So that's what he would be, pop culture czar of the USA.

I know who all the new janitors would be. But we will pay them OK. At least enough to afford a 900 square foot house in a deteriorating neighborhood. But those are the best kind, really. You develop a lot of character living in a place like that. I know, cos that's where I live. And I'm doing OK. Really good, actually.

I just wish that dumb people would have dumb jobs and smart people would have important ones, that's all. And then ppl like me will just go on living a full life with very little money, but surrounded by a lot of cool people. That's a good life in my opinion.

purple.monkey.dishwasher

Area Man Jumps From 30ft Cliff, Lives to Tell the Tale

Cliff Jump

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Sueing for Too Cold Popcicle

These days it seems like people are sue happy. There are so many rules set up so businesses and stuff can guard against being sued, it's ridiculous. And it's because people will sue for the smallest stupid things. If people would only sue for things that mattered. For instance, yesterday my buddy Daniel opened up a popsicle and put his lips on it. Realizing it was too cold he pulled away. He then noticed something white across the red popsicle. At first glance you'd think it was part of the wrapper, but then we noticed the wrappers were clear plastic. He said "I think it's my lip". At which point I examined his bottom lip to see a bloody spot in the shape of the white thing on the popcicle. Yes, people, he ripped his lip off. Now I think it is our duty to sue for popcicles that are too cold.

Should I Eat THis Day Old Chicken Sandwich?

Somebody gave me a Chik Fil A chicken sandwich yesterday. I was very greatful but I could not eat it. So I stuck it in my desk drawer to save for today. I was told by someone I should not eat it because it will now be full of bacteria. What do you think? Should I eat it? It is still wrapped in its protective foil/paper wrap. I would be surprised if bacteria could climb in through that...it is wrapped fairly tightly with no sandwich showing through anywhere. I also don't think there's bacteria in my desk drawer-why would they want to be there? There is nothing in there for them to live on....except maybe some gum. But you can't survive on gum, I don't even think it's digestible. So no bacteria in the desk drawer. So they would have to somehow find out about my sandwich in there and then somehow get in the drawer and then muscle their way into through the wrap. I conclude my sandwich is safe to eat.

Kickball

Kickball is fun but if you play barefoot it might made your foot red and sore. If you play while drinking Coronas after a fiesta, rules are you have to keep you drink in your hand the whole time. This is not too hard if your team is up to bat, but when you're out in the filed, catching can be a little tricky. It is then OK to set your beer down but make sure it's within about 5 feet of you. Its fun to drink it as much as you can before being forced to set it down to make a catch. Make sure if you kick it over the fence, there aren't vicious dogs over there. Use shirts as bases. Girls should keep their shirts on as this is modest and customary in our culture.

if a blog falls in the woods...

If a blog is created and no one reads it, does it exist?

I Deduce Lang is Out to Get ME

If you get a call from 480-543-1164, don't answer it! They're looking for William Lang. Who is William Lang? you ask. Well, I don't know. But he has the same phone number as me. How does this happen I don't know, but I do know that Lang doesn't get many calls-only calls from this 480 number. I have never talked to William's friends or family, so I deduce that he is a loner and hates his family. From this I can also deduce that he maybe slightly mentally ill and is bent on destruction. Lang...could be Korean...maybe he knows/knew Cho. This is not good. I'm a little freaked out. He's probably pissed that I have his same phone number. Did you know you can find a phone by its phone number using a sattellite, a cookie sheet and some cactus oil? He is looking for me right now and he may harm me. Lang, if you're tracking me and reading this-what the freak do you want? You can have my Super Nintendo, my K2 skis, my tennis racket, my Andy Griffith DVD, and if you really must, you can take my Gibson acoustic guitar...but I still use it, so please not the guitar. Lang, let's be friends-I am really friendly. Guns are cool but not if you use them on people. If you try to shoot me, I will shoot you first-I have a gun. Let's not have this situation, OK? I also have some wine coolers you can have. Go ahead drink them-please leave my roommates out of this-what did they ever do to you?

Moon

Apparently some people think that the United States put a man on the moon in 1969. Let's think logically about this-think about your TV in 1969 (Or your mom & dad's as this was 10 years before I was born) There were like 5 channels, it was likely black and white, small and bulky. There was no remote, no sattellite TV, no cable, no MTV, no ESPN. Do you really think we had the technology to send someone into space, little lone the moon? The rubix cube hadn't even been invented! Now, I'm fully aware of the possibility that people already living on the moon probably helped out tremendously; giving us all sorts of ideas and technological advancements. They probably even gave us the space ship to get there.

How Much More Can I Think?

Well, I've pretty much said everything in these blogs I have to say. I'm out of thoughts, I've run over the proverbial edge of the world and now there is nothingness. K, bye.

Burger King and the Pursuit of Happyness

I'm just sayin' - if I was 3 months overdue on rent and I had a kid and a wife to support and nobody would buy my damn bone density scanner...I would go get a job at Burger King. They are always hiring. And who knows, you might actually like it and decide to make it your career. Then on your lunch break you could go try to sell the bone density scanners and maybe a little cheeseburger would help the sell. Plus you could have it your way. When you order your hamburger, ask for a bun between two quarter pounders. Now, am I looking down on the guy who's got the gumpture to try to be a stockbroker? No way. But you know what, if I were interning at a place like that and the boss asked me to go get him a coffee-I'd get it and then I'd bring him a skateboard and a piece of bologna. That would confuse the hell out of him.

Country Jam USA

I went to Country Jam last night. Man there's nothin' like drinkin' beer in a 'wife-beater' in 100 degree weather lookin' at scantily clad chicks or dudes to fight. Oh plus Toby Keith was there. We're looking at booking JWU next year!!

A Poem to My Sly Guy

Kuzwup's float, they do not fly
They eat grass and absorb clouds until they die
Very rarely do they cry
In treetops is where they lie
You might see them in flocks in the sky
Their skin is the color of blueberry pie
Its hard to tell a girl from a guy
For a pet, a Kuzwup you might buy
Make them happy you must try

???

Unhyuhuhhhhh

He said "Hey Josh," I looked over to see his sad, weary face, "Unhyuhuhhhhh"

Swallowing Pencils

This is Rupert, the "Drawing Dog". He is one of only a few dogs in Colorado that can draw well. Rupert is seen here lecturing on the pencil and it's origins. "The pencil is named after 'penicillin' because it was originally swallowed as a pill to kill infections," he said in a speech to Mesa State students. His claims were not referenced and no connection between pencil and penicillin can be made by reading Wikipedia. Rupert likes to listen to JWU and Tommy Heavenly6. The end.

toothpaste for lunch

Charity says: "JWU! brush your teeth and go to bed!"

Corporate Coffee

I think this is a painting of a Starbuck's...it might be a photo...yeah I think it's a photo. Mmm Starbuck's. Corporate Coffee. I think Corporate coffee is better anyway, don't you? What's with these local coffee shops popping up everywhere? One day they're going to put our beloved hometown Starbuck's out of business. Let's join together and boycott these small no name locally owned coffee shops. Take a stand for what's right. Well, hell, here are their names: Traders, Coffee Muggers, Java Junction, Cup of Heaven, ect. these people are mindlessly serving good coffee not realizing how this is harming Starbuck's. Imagine a world without Starbucks. It like the Barefoot Man sings "Does anyone speak English in Miami?" it sort of the same thing...kind of...well...it's a bit differnet.............actually it has nothing to do with that song, but do you see what I'm sayin'? So today, save some quarters you were going to put in a tip jar or drop into a charity and go support your local Starbuck's.

The Bike in Our Song "The Story of My Life"

If you'll recall the song "The Story of My Life" off of our "The Most Awesomest Band" (2007) CD, you hear the old man (not really that old as you'll note him saying 'I was born 28 years ago') talking about a bike that he buried. Here is an actual sketch of that bike.

Big Foot Smushes Dino

This is an actual photo of a Sasquatch about to step on a dinosaur. As we all know, dinosaurs are huge and so you can see how enormous the Big Foot is. It should be noted that the Big Foot is not angry, he is simply acting out of an instinct to "put out" the dinosaur because the dinosaur may be up to no good. If you ask me, we could use more Sasquatches around here to stamp out troublemaking dinosaurs.

The Yuderflut

This is an actual photograph of the Yuderflut. They are quite common even though you are not likely to see one in your lifetime. The Yuderflut lives in the abscess of your mind. They spend their days swimming in it and their primary substanance is your mind pus (which would logically be your excess thoughts, in other words the meaningless things that fly through your mind surrounding the "real" thing you're thinking about) I have washed several of these critters down the drain. Just last night I saw one in my yogurt.

PS Most of them listen to DJ Vadim

Alarm Clocks 7:59

I was 6 minutes late to work today-don't tell anyone. I have a system of setting my alarm clock 10 minutes ahead so I'm not late, but my thinking kills that failsafe. When I wake up, instead of thinking it's 10 minutes closer to time to go, I think Oh it's OK, I have 10 more minutes! So I am always just barely getting to work in the nick of time anyway. Well, remember I told you in an earlier post that aliens, extraterrestrials if you will, came and stole my alarm clock. So I got this new one and its works a little different-you have to turn the alarm back on after killing it so it's ready for the next day. I forgot to do that yesterday, so no alarm today. It seems like in this day and age we'd have more sophisticated alarm clocks-one's with a little miniature alarm clock on top that reminds you to set your alarm clock for the next day. While we're at it, how about one that could tell whether you're in bed or not by some sort of weight pad under the mattress. This way your roommates wouldn't get pissed at your clock going off when you were out of town. AND, what's with the annoying sound they make? Why can't they play soothing classical music that could put you to sleep? Oh...I see the fault in that logic, but why can't they also be used as sleep clocks? 11:00 time to sleep-*click* and you hear audio Valium. So instead of the annoying sound to wake you up, how about a little motor that winds your blinds thus letting in the sunlight and then a little arm or finger that can push the remote button to your TV that has Good Morning America playing. And then a little noise maker that sounds like other people getting up in the house and making breakfast (cause MY roommates NEVER wake up) And then a little smell unit that pumps out the smell of bacon and eggs. Then a remote control that gets the kitchen robot going that is making real bacon and eggs. That kitchen robot would be the personification of all the negative connotation of a house wife. The Kitchbot, we'd call it, would perpetually be bare foot and pregnant with a baby Kitchbot. A baby Kitchbot would be ready to take over when the old one got rusty and quit being efficient. Kitchbots would clean the toilet and vacuum too. They would have to have a sensor that told them where the cat or dog was cause a robot would not know not to vacuum the cat up. Cats hate robots.

A Wise Philosopher

I know Jack Handey is a major philosopher of our time, but we need to realize he's not the only one. Yes his "Deep Thoughts" have come to be a reference guide for quotes and wisdom. Like one time he said "If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away." or " You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men." Genius. Other people too have "Deep Thoughts", for instance me. I think a lot as evidenced in this blog. One of my deepest thoughts is "What if a snake started eating his own tail and continued up its body. When it gets to its neck, the next bite is its head, right? Then what happens? He just disappears!" Jack Handey is my friend in my head.

PS: Nirvanna used one of his quotes in their song "I Hate Myself and Want to Die".

Things: What an Ambigous Word

Eyes:I can't see right now no joke. Everything is blurry. I'm not going to tell you why-just leave you curious.
Bands: Everyone I think has a little want to be a rock star. Too bad you can't be in JWU, huh?
Coffee: I don't think I'm addicted, but I do think about coffee everyday and something inside of me gets really excited when someone says "Starbucks run!"
Driving: I drive fast. Slow drivers slowly drive me nuts. I wonder when I get old if I will drive slow because it is cool to drive slow when you're a geezer-or will I continue to be in a rush everywhere I go?
Internet radio: What an amazing time in the history of ..of time that we can listen to ANY genre 24 hours a day for free. As long as you have internet. I'm listening to The Wayne Mills Band right now and I have never even heard of them before. Somewhere Wayne Mills probably writing his country music and has no idea that THE Yosh is listening to his "Crossin' Dixie" and Yosh rarely listens to country....I like Tumble Town though....
Email: I have had email for probably around 12 years now. My first email was pyero@hotmail.com. I really wanted pirho but it was taken, then I learned to add numbers, so my second email was pirho777@hotmail.com. I wonder who has it now? I wonder if when I "moved out" the next person benefited from mail that I left in there. Pirho is the greek letters Pi and Rho which together sound like "pyro" which is short for pyromaniac- when I was in highschool, I liked fire and it was cool to be a pyro.
Toys: I had a lot when I was little and can remember when the fun I had with them started to wear off. I had hundreds of hotwheels and matchbox cars. I remember driving them around for hours and making highspeed police chases and car wrecks. I liked Knight Rider a lot in those days and so all my black Trans Ams were KITT.
Jon James: He grew in my town of Craig. We don't have a lot of Craig pride though... Jon James became the AV Bear in an episode by the same name where Jon Cox and Yosh decided to get his shoulder massaging reaction on video tape. The video was never released because the video camera was faulty BUT there was a scene where Jon Cox said, we are now going to enter the cave of the AV Bear (AV stands for Audio Visual or Acetate Visions-I'm not sure which) and we call him Bear cause he's a big jovial fellow and his office is always dark, shades drawn, much like a bear cave.

Al Gore or Aliens?

OK so one night Brian and I were watching TV at about 8:30 or so, when we hear this VERY loud thump on our roof. For a split second I thought "hmmm, I wonder why they're working on the roof this late" when immediately, I hear three slightly quieter thumps in a progression toward the edge of the building and then nothing.

Seriously. Either we live in the Matrix and Trinity and Neo are prancing around on buildings running from Mr. Anderson, or an alien was dropped off and lept off the building, quietly into the night.

We ran out side but saw nothing, so he must have been invisible, too.

And don't get me started on the time warps I've been in...those are even weirder...seriously.

Aliens or Al Sharpton?

OK so Brian and I were in bed one night and at EXACTLY 12 midnight (I looked at the clock) we both woke up to this really loud, really strange whirring or metallic type sound (if you listen to Muse's "Knights of Cydonia", at the very very beginning, it was just like that. I know because right when that song first came out, I heard it for the first time in my car and I broke out into a cold sweat, I thought the same thing was happening again!) Anyway I jumped out of bed because I thought maybe the air conditioner was about to explode so I turn it off and guess what? The sound was still there.

So I went to the kitchen window to see if I could see anything, but there were no lights or anything, and it sounded like it was directly overhead. So I ran to the other end of the apt (we were on the top, third floor) and opened up the screen door that led to the balcony.

IMMEDIATELY the sound dropped at least an octave lower for about 5 seconds before I heard a quiet "whoosh" like something shooting away at an unearthly high speed.

I went back to bed and didn't sleep that night. I was afraid they might come back and that maybe I wouldn't wake up this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Follow up to Bananas Gone, ALiens Here

OK secret secret, I gotta' secret....

I have had a weird thing just below my right collar bone for about 2 years now. It looks kind of like a scar on normal day. But on NOT normal days, it gets really itchy and raises up like a big bump. It's in the shape of a little implant I swear. I think that when they are tracking me is when it itches the most. No joke.

Also Brian and I have a good spaceship story to tell that will FREAK you out. But I need my morning coffee before I can tell it. Check back later. Oh and I have another one about an actual, superpowered alien that was on our roof. More later.

Computers are Neat

Computers, the new type-writer! I know they cost a lot of money, but you should really look into getting a computer! They can help you with many things! One of their specialties is that you can type things and "save" them to "diskettes". The actual "paper" is stored in a seemingly magical place inside the computer or on the "diskette". If you want it to be on paper the way the type-writer did it, then you would have the computer print. Printers may take longer than if you were to instantaneously type it, but you can make it print many copies!! Gone are the days of typing the same thing over and over! New technology in computers is coming out all the time, like the "mouse". THis object fits in the palm of your hand and enables you to move a "cursor" around on the computer monitor. (The monitor is like a television set that displays whatever you are working on) They now have color monitors too. One really new invention is called the scanner. This amazing piece of equipment can computerize a photo! This machine is like a camera that can take a picture and have it show on the monitor. I have even seen a friend do this. This same friend showed me the wonders of a thing called The Internet. This is a way of tying your computer to other computers using a telephone line. I know! I don't know how it works either! But you can "send" information through phone lines to other computers! My friend called it "E" mail which stand for electromatic mail. What a wonderful time we live in with computers!

Life With A Mohawk

Your very own Yosh of Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle decided to quit the band for the weekend to go see some bands in Denver. One of them being major influencial pop-punkers MxPx. Being a concert headed by a punk band, Yosh decided to cut his head into a mohawk. He noticed how, having a mohawk, earrings, and wearing a chain around his neck changed how people act around him. He noticed people stepping out of his way on the sidewalk, he noticed eyes averting, he noticed over-compensation by convenience store clerks going out of their way to not make any trouble. It reminds Yosh of a story called The Color Purple (I think)...or actually The Invisible Man by Ralph Waldo Ellison. Where life can be perceived though the eyes of another race, or in this case, another species, the species of the punk rawker. Yosh noticed how the nice soccer families at his hotel were afraid he would steal their lunch money and push them down on the play ground. So think about this: What if you were born a punk-rawker, forced to live in the punk-rawk lifestyle? Discriminated against by the majority, the "normal" people? Remember to treat all people equally. This is Yosh signing out from a small Comfort Inn in Loisville, Colorado. PS There is no hot tub or pool here :(

Bananas Gone, ALiens Here

Why is everyone so afraid of aliens? Really they are just an inquisitive people. I read Whitley Streiber's "Communion" and find it to be so racist toward aliens. Their skin is gray, so what? Leave them alone! You know what? In the future if we tolerate races enough and have let love flow through the races, we will all end up the same gray color anyway! If human scientists went to mars or where ever these guys are from - what would WE do? I'll tell ya what we would do, we would sneak into their houses, flash some FBI or CIA badge at them and take them take them into our ship and make them listen to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton while we tested them for all sorts of diseases and then felt the male's you know what while we made him look right and cough. Finally we would have to take an internal temperature and that's where a "rod" or "anal probe" comes into play. So my point is, when they come-don't freak out! Just let them do their "science". Usually you won't even remember it happened until YEARS later. Last week my alarm clock started buzzing and the numbers went loopy. The other night at 4 am, my computer speakers started cracking and buzzing. They're here folks. Are you ready for it? Also, I had 5 bananas on the kitchen counter and now there's 4. I know my roommate likes bananas, but he replaces them when he steals them from me. The cat's been meowing a lot more this week. I noticed red itchy bumps on my arms and legs. My roommate's been acting strange. Don't be afraid. Keep it together.

The Day We Took Over the Radio

What would it be like if you turned on the radio and every channel was Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle? Creepy, huh! Well, we make dreams come true-even if it is a nightmare!

*In the 1950's before Charity was a part of JWU, she had a solo career. This song is called "Vitamin B1" from her 1956 album "Mrs. Cleaver's Tommy Gun"

*In the late 80's and early 90's Yosh was involved in a New Age group called Enyanni. This is the song "Watch Yourslef" from 1992's "At One With the Rocks"

*In 1996 Yosh had started his "alternative/ska/pop" band Smash Face and released "Astro Jacuzzi" in 1998 with the song "Collective Secret" The song was set to be 98's blockbuster "Can't Hardly Wait" but the group Smash Mouth was chosen instead.

*The year was 1973, a good ten years before Yosh had a race change operation. Yosh was still black and on tour with Marvin Gaye and Barry Manilow. This song call "Yeah, No" is from 73's "Sex Band Aid"

*While Yosh was wasting time in Enyanni, AV Bear was already producing Charity's 80's pop music. Back then she was known as Venus de Janet Abdule. Her top album of 1986 was "Like a Tramp" and this was it's number one hit "Patatoe Peeler"

*By 1987 Charity dropped the moniker Venus de blah blah blah...and became a Christian. "Like a Light" was the hit single that dwarfed Amy Grant in 1989" and flooded Contemporary Christian radio waves for 15 years. The album's title "Children of Sub-Saharin Asia" was long since forgotten. Like a Light can still be heard daily on K-LUV.

*In the 80's Yosh had written a novel in his head about a Warrior from another planet named King Arfdu. In 2007 Yosh introduced the story to JWU fans in the intro to their song "Rushryche" In 2007 director Ron Bulushi adapted Yosh's novel to the big screen in this summer's blockbuster "King Arfdu: The Movie" This is the radio trailer for the movie.

*1992 brought an abrupt halt to Charity's Christian music career when she mentioned "ass" in a TV interview. It was later discovered th e word was "Assassin" yet this did nothing to revive her CCM career. Instead she turned to the Nashville Country scene releasing "Night of the Living Barn Dance". This song from that album is titled "Zombie Tractor"

*Throughout the 90's it was a little known fact that Charity was galavanting around coffee shops in Organ and Washington singing and reading poetry with Harmommy about their feminst ideals. This song "He Said Sorry One Last Time" was released two months before her country album "Night of the Living Barn Dance"

*1997 brought hard times on Charity as "Night of the Living Barn Dance" sold a mere 3 units. Charity began doing step arobics videos. this was from her video "Burnin' to the Oldies"

*During her down time in the late nineties, Charity was also working for an ad agency doing voice overs for commercials. This was for Sunshine Travel Agency out of Georgia.

*In 1987 before joining Enyanni, Yosh spent several months in Italy pursuing an Italian girl he referred to as his Meat Ball. He wrote this song to her and released it on a solo CD called "Yosh: In a Gondola on River In Italy Singing to People in Restaraunts as I Pass Quietly By Under the Moonlight"

*In 1983, Yosh became a white German and joined Ich Bein Manner, the beginnings of his German heritage. IBM released a CD called "Mine Hinter Tutve" with this Christmas gem in English called "You Freak, It's July"

*"Mine Hinter Tutve" contained the hit "Spectromanolizers" which was a huge hit in Germany in 1984.

*In 2000 Yosh started working for an ad agency and did this commercial for KiddieCutlery. The Weapons Store for kids was sued when a 4 year old nicked his pinky with a nail file purchased at the store.

*Later in 2000 Yosh tried a solo career once again this time singing without any aid of the computer. "Freezer Burn" form the album "Who's That Guy?" was effective in killing all of Yosh's musical dreams.

*In 2001, full of angst, Yosh started his hard rock/metal band Tamallica. "Good for Nothing" came from their 10th CD that year called "Kill a Few of Them"

*In 2002, frustrated by his drummer's nose ring, Yosh left Tamallica and started "Type A Positive", a goth/metal outfit that quickly released it's first CD in the spring of 2003 called "Bloody Sundae". The album had a morbid take on desserts as evidenced in the song "Marshmellows are for Ninnies"

*In 2004 after relentless touring with Type A Positive in Europe, Yosh discovered death metal and decided to start a death metal side project called Corpse from the Cradle. It wasn't long before they had a full length debut titled "In the Moon Shadow of Pine Trees at Night on a dirt Road in the Mountains". The song "Dinner with Grandma" made many notable death metal compilations including "The Human Bascetti Collective"

*In 2007 after the immensely touted "The Most Awesomest Band" by Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle, the band went back into the studio to begin work on the 3rd album "Hits From the Future" which features this song "Reductio Ad Absurdum" an intelligent argument between a hillbilly girl and her paw.

*Another song from Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle's 2007 "Hits From the Future" called Hilado Burn featuring Featuring Enchilada Mackenzie. A poor Mexican jumps through hoops for his amore but she throws ice cream on him (I think). He is consoled by an ignorant Texan.

*One of the Feminist recording by Charity & Harmommy in the 90's called "Men", will be on the "Hit's From the Future" album in mid 2007.

There you have it-don't ask me anymore questions, I'm Listening to the Human League.

Hasta Llego Enchilada

I think our song Helado Burn is an ethnic tribute to our Mexican brothers and sisters to the south. While none of us are Mexican, we still enjoy the language especially Featuring Enchilada Mackenzie, he is the real voice of this song singing about wanting this woman who gives him ice cream (or something...) Enchilada (aka Nate Ralston) has studied Spanish which has helped him understand Mexican -I know this because I work with him and I went to Mexico with him once and he helped me to order a quesadilla at a taco stand. The other guy in the song is an ignorant yet compassionate Texan who stumbles on the downtrodden Featuring in a Mexican restaurant. Featuring is crying because he was dumped and offered ice cream (I think) The Texan tries to bring himself to common ground with Featuring by speaking as much Spanish as he can but does a terrible job. There is an air of unrealized arrogance as the Texan brings up his favorite food: Cub Cr...Club Crackers with guacamole on them. He wrongly teaches the Mexican that these crackers come from Keebler Elves. The Texan fully believes these elves are real and have a cracker factory in the forest. The other voice belongs to Maria Espinoza-Perez-Juarez who was the one breaking up with poor Featuring Enchilada Mackenzie. This is making me thirsty for a Corona.

Sorry Vegetarians: A Treatise on Non-Vegtable Animals

I keep wondering what it would be like if I were painted blue by hostile men who wanted to chop my head off and kick it down the stairs but gave me a chance to get away. If they let me run but decided to use me as target practice as I tried to get away and then chased me into the jungle-what it be like? I think I would be really pissed at them for shooting arrows at me and then I would find the part of the jungle I was familiar with and then those suckers would be in for it. It is morals like this we can gain from watching movies. I know, I know, there are reasons to to not watch movies also, like goriness. Gory scenes can make you feel queezy and then play through your head over and over not being pleasant. I doubt it really happens much, but seeing an Aztec rip the still beating heart out of a guy's chest might actually make someone want to do it too. I was feeling kind of tempted to build a gory pig trap in my backyard after the movie. It would have some sort of bait on it and when the pig crossed the trigger mechanism-WHAMO! Big spikes would impale the pig and I'd have dinner for months. I would make bacon, ham and even hotdogs. They would be pork hotdogs cause a pig is not beef. I like beef hotdogs the best though, so maybe I would have to lure a horse in the trap. I know- horse is not beef either, but you know a beef animal is sure to be around a horse and the horse would lead him to the trap. Then we could make hamburger patties. Man, you can get quite a few burgers out of one cow. I might even open my own little Mc Donald's with a sign saying "All Fresh Beef" and I could prove it by shooting the cow right in front of the family ordering. I think I would open the place right in my neighborhood, the family friendly neighborhood burger joint. Meat is good for you but you should only have as much as the size of your hand everyday. Some people think meat is bad, how can it be? We're made of meat and we're not bad.

Singin'

Charity and Brian have always been known as the lead singers of JWU, but after hearing our newest song "The Day We Took Over the Radio" you will begin to see how I am becoming an up and coming singer soon to take over JWU. I know know I know. I will be signing autographs this weekend in Denver.

I Stole a Little Girl's Bike

We think it would be funny if you found a pink and white little girl's bike in someone's trash pile and rode around with us. Well I found you one the other night. I was pulling into our driveway at close to midnight when the neighbor's trash pile caught my eye. There it was: tiny with white tires and pink pedals and pink grips. I snagged it for you. As I examined it I found nothing wrong other than a flat back tire. Gosh, I really hope the neighbors were getting rid of it, because if they weren't, I just stole it. Please understand, I did not steal this bike. I didn't punch a little girl in the face, knock her down and ride off on her bike. I found it. In a trash pile I found it. I guess technically taking someone's trash IS theft, but who cares? I don't care if you steal my trash.

one more thing about salt lake

Last night I saw a Mormon missionary going into a liquor store. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Secret Mormon Handshake

OK. I love Mormons, right? They are pretty much the nicest people ever to head out west and settle and build a beautiful temple. They are kind and thoughtful, and they don't act fake at all.

So when I heard from a freind of a friend of a dishwasher at a popular local pub that there was a secret mormon handshake, I wasn't surprised. But last night I had a startling revelation- (oh did I mention I'm in Salt Lake City for the next few days? OK, back to the revelation-) I have discovered that Mormons walk on the LEFT side of the side walk. I'm not sure if they do this to seek out other Mormons or not, but it would make sense. I experimented with this many times last night, and EVERYTIME, they knew I wasn't a mormon b/c I walked on the right side consistantly. Not that they were discriminatory against me... they kindof just gave me that far-0ff look of forelornment, a slight bit of pity that I'm not allowed in their Temple.

Today I am going to try and walk on the left and see if someone might shake my hand in that "special" way. I really want to go in that temple, but I think I'll have to settle for watching some movies about the history of Joseph Smith in the visitor's center instead. Such is.

We Are the Sliced Strawberry in Your Life

The party was flowin' with a constant roar of talking and laughter. The lights were bright, the carpet was clean, everyone was smiling. People were eating from a smorgesboard of snacks prepared by the host; I had a paper plate with nachos, a peanut butter brownie and a slice of fruit pizza. I clawed at a sliced strawberry and it slipped from my grip and landed on one of the host's bar stools. I looked down at the slice of strawberry on the clean cushion and became oblivious to everything around me. With the strawberry in the center of my vision, the chair and everything around me spun to a blur into my mind. I made a mark...messy and stained as it it is, there is a mark in their house because of my presence. We here at JWU Industries are like that strawberry in your life. We come in, spill drink on your carpet, eat all your food and outstay our welcome. So put on "The Most Awesomest Band", sit back and enjoy some Arizona tea, because we are here for you. You're welcome.

For the Love of Music

Maybe you don't care that the last JWU album featured Benson Broyles of the Pineapple Crackaz on the spoken word track "Sarah" and that Benson is cousins with Brother IZ who was huge in Hawaii and especially famous for his version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow/Wonderful World, a cover of Judy Garland's Somewhere Over the Rainbow from the movie the Wizard of OZ (OZ=IZ, coincidence?) Or maybe you don't care that our song "Rushryche" featured Danny Tivori on vocals and Danny's dad Shimi Tavori is a HUGE pop star in Israel? Well then care about www.live365.com where you can listen to any genre of music any time for as long as you want. I'm listening to 70's music today. I was listening to a Santana song from their second album Abraxas. I'll give a cookie to anyone who can tell me where the title Abraxas comes from. Now I'm listening to Main Ingredient. OK bye.

Cravings for Unedible

I don't really like brushing my teeth. Maybe it's that it takes several minutes of my precious time each day. Maybe it's that I usually brush before I go to bed and usually I 'm tired and don't feel like expending that energy. Maybe it's because I constantly wonder if I'm brushing well enough, or if I need a new brush? Sometimes though, tooth paste tastes bad and you just want to get it out of your mouth. Sometimes tooth paste tastes good though and you almost want to eat it. Haven't you ever wanted to eat toothpaste?

A Poem for the Road

I hate you I hate you
You're always there
I am never alone
You are to my right, to my left, behind me
Most of all you are right in front of me
You suffocate me, can't you leave me alone?
I try to go places you're not, but you show up there
When I am running late you are holding me up
I try so hard to get around, but when I do-you come right back
You're slow, and you're stupid
A lot of times you are overly cautious,
Sometimes you scare me
You are good for nothing
You are traffic

Mad Libs on the Toilet

In response to the previous post...

I do sleepwalk. It's rather terrifying not being able to control yourself in your sleep. Utterly terrifying. On one particular occassion I went into the guest room at my parents house when I still lived there and went through my visiting brother's suitcases. I took everything out of them and refolded everything and put them back in. So apparently I'm OCD while asleep. Awesome.

Another time I turned on every single light in my apt. and opened every drawer. Obviously I was looking for something. When I woke up I also found some old mad libs on the toilet seat. That's what I was looking for. Mad Libs.

Do you think that sleep walkers are living, if just for a moment, in a parrallel universe where Mad Libs are something really important? I like to think so.

Following Your Dreams is a Pain in the Neck!

My neck hurts.
Usually when you're sore, it's the result of some strenuous activity the previous day. But, do you ever wake up and have soreness in muscles when you did nothing the previous day? The only thing that can account for this soreness is that I must have done something strenuous in my sleep last night. Maybe it's something as simple and boring as sleeping in the shape of a cocktail shrimp with my head snugly packed into my stack of pillows against the wall. But I would like to think I was following my dreams (literally) by sleep walking. I mean, I frequently get the feeling, when I wake up, that a lot has just happened and I have absolutely no recollection of it. I distinctly had that feeling this morning, and now, what? A sore neck! So I conclude SOMETHING happened! Maybe I was out fighting Ninjas who came to steal the swords from the ledge in our house. Or maybe I was defending our property from the Red Horde (the Commies for you post-Regan kids). Who knows where my nighttime travels took me last night? Walking down Main Street with my eyes closed may have gotten me into a fight with a bar-fly outside of Quincy's or Mesa Theater. Maybe I wrestled a homeless guy after stepping on him in the alley. Maybe I went to a 24 Hr. Gym and did neck exercises. The possibilities are endless. In conclusion: Following Your Dreams is a Pain in the Neck!

Salad Snot

I think Luscious Jackson sounds a lot like POE but with more of Kelis type beat, what do you think? I wonder if Luscious Jackson is in any way related to Micheal Jackson? I like Micheal Jackson in a nostalgic sort of way...reminds me of being a kid in the 80's. I remember tha' 'hood, the older kids up the street and how we looked up to them. I remember a baby sitter finding my He-Man slime that had started to dry out and she made a brain out of it. I remember trying to convince her that there were Gremlins outside on the deck. Not just monsters, but the actual ones from the movie. It was a good movie, Gremlins-I wonder what it would be like if they released it today. It would probably be loaded with sexual innuendos and mild bad language-stuff that is now OK to say, like ass. You used-to-couldn't say "ass" on TV. Now there's TV everywhere. There's even one in the bathroom at Red Robin-because we all know how freakin' dull it is to use the bathroom. I was thinking they should have a magazine rack in there to help pass the time, but who wants to touch a magazine that someone before you was touching while they pooped? There would probably be a colony of germs on it. Germs are amazingly mobile-have you ever thought of that? Why? Think if they weren't! They be able to make salad bars without the sneeze shield. In fact, we might not even be grossed out if someone sneezed in our meal. Mmmm sald snot

Unpoppable Tires.

Last night I was riding my bike home from a friend's. I was about 2 miles from home when my back tire blew out. I had to walk the rest of the way home. I remember about 4 years ago riding east on North Avenue. I was on the side walk cruising along when a truck started to turn right in front of me to go to Sonic Burger. I had slam on my brakes with all my might not to hit his big truck. My brakes squealed, I think I peed a little bit. I heard the guy yell out his window "If you wouldn't ride on the sidewalk, that wouldn't happen!!" To this day I still think about what he said often. Usually people get mad at you for riding on the sidewalk because you might hit a pedestrian, but what he was mad about made no sense to me. Whether I was right or wrong, me riding on the street or side walk wouldn't have made a difference in that situation. He should seen me and let me pass either way. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind how ridiculous it would be for me to ride on the street, especially during that busy time of day. I would have clogged traffic (there is no bike lane or even shoulder there) at very least-or been sideswiped by someone who didn't see me. Anyway, with these insane gas prices, I say we all start riding our bikes EVERYWHERE! Wouldn't it be cool (and healthy) oh and...environmentally good, if we all rode?! Maybe then the city will make more bike lanes and someone will invent unpoppable tires.

Recycled Ideas

When I was a little kid, my brother, our best friend and I fashioned swords out of pieces of wood in the back yard. My brother climbed to the top step of the playhouse/jungle gym, raised his sword in the air and proclaimed "I'm the KING!" our friend claimed his own king name (all in baby talk) and so when I yelled out "King Arthur" it came out more like "King Arfdu!" Fast forward 20 years or so, here I am with an assignment from my band to write a story as the intro to our Rush and Queensryche inspired song "Rushryche". I know exactly what I want to write! An epic about a Conan-style warrior from another planet. I rack my brain for that hero and my brain spits back out a King from my olden days! King Arfdu!! So King Arfdu resurfaces in this song so elegantly read by Jeff Kirtland and accompanied by Jon James on keyboard. Fast forward to yesterday, when we decided to make a radio trailer for King Arfdu the Movie. I run through my head what this trailer might sound like-so my head comes up with other movies with similar heros! One I think of Beast Master! Remember that movie? With Mark Singer and he could use animals to his advantage (ex. he could see through the hawk's eyes) So I tried to find the trailer on YouTube when I hear Jon saying he has something for me. I he comes out of his storage room with a full on movie poster from Beast Master 2! Well Charity get's the bright idea that this needs to be hanging in our office but she doesn't have her car with her. So they force me to take this stupid poster with me. So that may be why you saw me carrying a Beast MAster poster and a Snoopy Phone to work today. (The Snoopy phone is another story)

Gangsta Rap

I've been thinking about the likes of DMX, Ludicris, Ja Rule, Busta Rhymes, and G-Unit lately. It's strange how a genre can be so hated by some people and so loved by another. At JWU Industries, we make real music, real music for the working people-not car parts. We have done, old people choir songs, German techno/industrial, hillbilly, spoken word, Spanish, modern rock, children's, death metal, 80's, Blues, southern rock, classic rock,-whoa cool! there's a squirrel outside my window rummaging around in the grass!- story telling, ambient/chill, etc. So I am really wanting to do a Gangsta Rap song, but I think we'll start out a little more family friendyly with an old school rap song in the vain of early Will Smith, Run DMC, P.I.D., D Boy, Stephen Wiley and such. Why does it always have to be about shooting people and doing drugs? Why can't it be like the old days when a buncha brothas from the hood would get together on the street-one guy beat boxin' and another waxin' freestyle?

A Smooth Gate

If I get coffee in a typical porcelain coffee mug and then try to walk to my office, I will invariably spill it on myself. I wonder if it's just me, or does everyone have this problem? Are you supposed to fill the mug low so this doesn't happen, or are you expected to walk smoother? Do I have a rough gate? I decided, this morning after spilling all over my hand and cargo shorts, to attempt a smoother gate. I realize the reasons for a smoother gate can be much grander, for instance, a wide receiver in football needs a smooth gate so that he can keep his eye on a pass intended for him as he runs full speed toward the end zone. I just want to be able to make it to my office without sloshing coffee all over me.

Is There Meaning in Evaporative Conscious Drainage?

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