Going Green

I heard this phrase the other day: "Going Green". I'm pretty sure it was referring to when people become envious. (Or maybe when you yell at the person in front of you at the stop light when they're on their cell phone?) I have seen some vague references to vegetables & eating healthier, and protecting the environment too. I'm starting to think it's a new hip term for being conscious about ways to "save the planet"? So watch this phrase in coming years as it will be everywhere, I think.

This got me to thinking: If everyone did their part we could rid the world of this "green house effect". Greenhouses are places where plants are given an almost perfect environment to flourish & when we get too much CO2 in our skies, this begins to happen. Plants could foreseeably outnumber humans. We may be poisoned by the subsequent outflow of oxygen. Also the plants will probably then evolve beyond our own mental capacity and the next step (probably by the year twenty eleven) will be them RULING US! Damn it.
This cannot happen!

SO!

Here are ways to "save" "the" "environment":

1. Turn the lights off. ALways. We think we need them. We don't. How do you think people in the 1800's did things at night. Also, your headlights suck power from the engine. You'll get better gas mileage w/out them.

2. Do not drive. Or try not to. If you can, coast to work. Burning fuel uses energies from gasses combusted in your internal engine. This makes a vehicular excrement known as CO2 (see above explanation)

3. Don't waste.See this post.

4. Eat less saturated fats. Eat the plants (especially the ones that seem to be evolving sentience).

13. Disassemble the snowman one "ball" at a time.

6. Reduce: I have no idea what this means.

7. Reuse: When something breaks, fix it, don't throw it away & buy a new one! Think, every time you chuck something, it's going to the land fill. Landfills are everywhere & getting bigger. They are filling the land - land that we should be living on & sharing with animals (but not sentient plants).

8. Recycle: you collect your pop cans in a separate bag & then bring them to City Market. They will give you I think 5 cents for every half ton of soda cans you bring in. This is why you see bums collecting cans. It's money people. Recycle for the money.

Actually, I've decided the phrase is really referring to turning green with envy...so disregard everything I just said. Except number 13.

My Top 40 Song

These days with the magic of Auto Tune, anyone can make a top 40 hit ready for radio!
What about rhythm? Don't need it! Let the software make a beat for you!
What about instrumental talent? Really? Are you gonna make me answer that?
What bout voice talent? AUTO TUNE!
What about songwriting? Who gives a rip what you sing about? As long as it has that sweet auto tune sound and a funky beat, you can sing about ANYTHING! (ex. The Huntsville Rapist, that commercial with T Pain where he even talks in auto tune).
What about originality? No need! Today's clubs and top 40 are completely free of it, so why would you need it?


So, here are the lyrics to my new song. The only thing I'm having trouble with is rhyming... I wonder if there is Auto Rhyming software? WAIT! I just invented it!

Da Club
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Money!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'
Except the weekend
And goin' to the club

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin
And actin' like I'm a star
And gettin' all the chicks


Da Club (after run through Auto Rhyming SoftwareTM)
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Moneyo!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'ay
Except the weekend, ey
And goin' to the clubay

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long, bub

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin life
And actin' like I'm a star life
And gettin' all the chicks life

Could You Kill A Moose?

With your bare hands?

First I would imagine you would take off your gloves, because you need bare hands.
Second, you would need to go where the mooses are: Alaska most likey. Although there are a few around here though I think they are endangered and you'd get in big trouble for killing one.
Third: why would you want to kill a moose? Do humans eat moose meat? Maybe you need a coat rack? Or a moose fur coat? I know Mink is frowned upon for coats, but is Moose?
Fourth, think about sneaking upon the moose or maybe dropping down on it from a tree.
Meece are VERY LARGE aminals, so think about that. You don't get a gun or knife. Or a rope. This is...this could be EXTREMELY difficult. No, it WILL. Your only option suffocation. So you must be strong enough to asphyxiate the moose around the neck.
Or I don't know, maybe you can kick it in the ribs hard enough to puncture a lung.

I don't know, OK? Just forget it.


Anyone know what Moose Burger tastes like? I'm hungry.

Thoughts on Things

Voices

Many of us have "voices in our head". Some people have problems with their voices. My biggest problem is sometimes understanding them. Like last night "Mill them all." What is THAT supposed to mean?


Get Well Soon

How soon is too soon to give someone a Get Well Soon Card? I thought about having some on hand at all times. If you saw a kid fall off his bike & break his arm, it would probably make him feel better if you went over & gave him a Get Well Soon card, then called 911.
Maybe the SOONER you gave it, the SOONER they could get well?

The "Center Brain"

You've heard of "right brained" people and "left brained" people. It has been discovered that the left brain is the more logical side thinking in mathematics and concrete concepts while the left brain controls spatial, non-verbal and emotional thought.
In recent years scientists have discovered a small brain within our brains called the Corpus Colosseum. Experiments are revealing that erratic and semi-normal psychopathic behavior comes from this area. Also ultra-sound shows that there is a tiny horse in there running on a treadmill. Exercised cloud-watchers argue the image reveals a unicorn standing on a tortoise. I have seen an MRI of the image and I saw something utterly different. It was a gibbon speaking in Mandarin which I for some reason understood. He played piano and gave me insight into the 5th dimension. The following equation resulted:
a+b5/the root of Potassium Argon x z(moles)to the 5th= the root of the curvature of the space/time continuum.
In other words, if we square it, we have a working equation for finding worm holes in the fabric of time! What a smart gibbon!

Your Minde: A Repository of "Things"

There are things in your head waiting dormant until you call on them to be produced by way of speech, electronic typewriter, musical instrument or artiste's medium. In order to prove to you what I mean I will produce for you a list "things" that come from none other than my mind.
Bull (The male cow)
Car battery
Cat lice
Rope
Mortgage
Rose (and/or lilies)
Macbeth (the play, not the planet)
Pottery
Black jelly beans
Rice pudding
Wrench (16mm)
A red button
Mule
Pastries

Now I ask you, where did these items come from? Not one of them was triggered by a direct and recent experience. However, they lie dormant, put there years ago upon my first contact with them.
So next time, think about what is in your mind and how might you use it. I like drawing and painting and so I think I will draw a bull with a wrench eating a bowl of rice pudding.

PS I'm not British, but if you read this in an English accent it sounds more proper and scientific. Thank you..

Facts

I heard that most facts are made up by the internet. Here are some facts:

George Washington grew heroin leaves

Bamboo has been noted to grow 1000 feet

40% of all men are poisoned daily by their wives at breakfast & given an antidote when they get home each evening.

Coffee grounds are actually ground up cocoa beetles.

Human intestines, when unraveled can be wrapped around the Earth 60 times if pulled taught enough.

Croquet was the first sport to allow janitors to play with royalty and use animals for caddies

A carbon footprint can be made with a boot as well as the bare foot

Kissing can cause high levels of carbonation

Sir Isaac Franklin was the inventor of the apple pie, 3-legged sack races, winking, single-ply toilet paper, radish juice, sponge shoes, "puree" on the blender, trash cans with foot petals, silk worms, ice packs, lamp shades, hand turkeys and wrote many books including "The Great Platypuss Detective", "How Loss 10 Pounds of Fat in One Day", "Residual Carbolic Acid Chronology Tests and How to Ruminate Them: An Alchemist's Guide to the Universe".