Shootin' Things

At JWU Industries, we like to stay well armed and practiced in our fire arms. It is in this way that our band stays free. We can and will fight for our right to be the kind of band we have become when we left England.

Area Man Overloads the Internet

by Yosh Anderson for the Monthly Waste
GRAND JUNCTION, CO - The World Wide Web was shut down for 2 hours last night at 2:49am as Internet Technicians worked furviously to remedy the problem. The problem? 34 year old Richard Drakeson is cited as the one man responsible for "filling up" the internet.
"I think I realized the problem as I had just finished uploading the Drakeson family photo archive on Photobucket after maxing out my accounts at Flickr, MySpace and Facebook. My computer slowed down and I thought it was just my internet connection. Then I proceeded to upload all 480 of my Blue Ray DVDs onto a private FTP as well every home video any Drakeson has ever made onto YouTube," Drakeson told the Press "Suddenly I got an error message reading 'Warning: The file being copied is too large for the World Wide Web. Please delete files and retry'. I thought that was preposterous, so I retried at which point my computer froze,"
Drakeson then called his personal computer tech who told him all of his clients had the same problem. It wasn't long before they began to realize the dilemma was affecting the entire Web.
"I've never seen anything like this. [Richard] had some damn big files he was uploading," commented Arron Doyle, Drakeson's personal computer technician.
Around 5am this morning a team of 500 technicians working over telephone line were able to get reserve servers up that used Beta Rogue software to find Drakeson's offending files and delete them.
"The largest file was what appeared to be roughly ten years of home videos, mostly of mistaken footage when someone didn't realize the camera was on," commented Mark Rigllhutz, a software technician working out of Silicon Valley "Once we got those videos off YouTube the internet began to fire up all over the world again,".
"I want to apologize to the world for crashing whole darn thing and well...Cokes are on me, everyone,"
-email Yosh at rawar777@yahoo.com

MyFace.com

I'm sick of having a Facebook AND a MySpace, but you have to in order to get the best of both worlds! So here is my proposition: MyFace. All the features from both social networking sites + more ABOUT ME section and a BIGGER profile section. Let people see more of you and want you more!!! Your friends won't help being drawn to your profile to check up on the latest about you! You will have to fight off members of the opposite sex because they will be falling in love with you!!! YOU YOU YOU!

The Kitchbot is Here! *DANGER*

I am so excited. I was listening to Relevant Podcast today and they read the news article of a kitchen bot that looks like a giant refrigerator and moves around very slowly cleaning your kitchen. It moves slowly for quote "safety reasons" but I agree with the Relevant guys that it is to stop it from annihilating humans. I had a refrigerator threaten my life once and it traumatized me so I would be all for limiting what robots have the power to do. Like, I mean, they should be able to do our work for us, but say if they were using scissors, then we should only make their hands able to pick up rounded end scissors, you know? Or maybe if we needed their help with hunting, the gun that the robot uses would be a small caliber, like a .22 so if he decided to shoot you it would be less likely to kill you.

Atrocity

Charity spent weeks raising these sea monkeys and...and...well...just watch the video...

Maybe You've Hd This Happen

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...

Devolution

I'm probably not the first to think of this, but to steak my claim-I'm planning on writing a novel called The Theory of Devolution. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands...but I think a better inspiration would be a city somewhere. A city where humans have devolved the most. It would have to be a city where self and instant-gratification have run amok. I want the city where Jerry Springer is taped, the city with the most Wal Marts & McDonalds per capita, the city where people write reality TV shows and commercials. I want the city where, if you're not playing video games or creating them, then you're actively affiliated with a gang and spend your time snorting blow. A city where corruption is not a derogatory term, but a type of government. I think the city will be called Las HollyVegaswood.
I will go there and figure out how to live on well-fare and food-stamps and see if someone will put me up in their trailer house. I will live on a daily diet of Mountain Dew and chili cheese Fritos and own no less than 8 dogs and 5 cats. I also hope to have several "project" cars out in the front lawn. I will try hard to cease caring about anyone but myself-cause, hey-I'm a victim. A victim of society. It's my friend's fault for making smoking look cool. And it's TV's fault for making me buy more beer. It seems like too, that white males are being held back anymore these days. That's why I won't try to go to college. It's OK though, I got this email from a Nigerian guy who is going to give me like $50 million if I let him deposit his $100 million in my bank account so he can come to the USA. So it's cool scrow. Whycome you gotta be mad doggin' me like that?