To Get Out of A Speeding Ticket

I got a speeding ticket on my motor bike a few days ago which really put me on a bad one. The park Ranger clocked me right here. I have been trying to think of ways to get around the $120 ticket for going 44 in a 25. I have thought of several scenarios:
1. Eagle beak punch the Ranger in the throat & then take off (there's no way he could catch me on my motorcycle)
2. Feign a stroke or heart attack or seizure.
3. Jump off a cliff (& come back for my bike later)
4. Throw a grenade under his truck & try to blow up his drivetrain.
5. Tell him jokes until we are old buddies & then he won't want to write me a ticket.
6. Look! A Panda!
None of these will work and right now all I can really think of is magic. Hey if Lady Gaga can fool an entire generation into thinking she either some type of bird or reptile, I should be able to pull something. I'm thinking I should have tried a mind game on him. You know, convince him not only that I don't deserve a ticket or that he didn't clock me at 44, but that he isn't even really talking to anyone. I'd be like 'Hey man, prove to me this isn't all some scenario in a dream you're having. Or maybe YOU'RE not even real. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you only think you're real, every thought you're having is building an illusion you're real! So this ticket, look at it closely. Now start to see it as a cracker. See? You've handed me a cracker." Then I'd crumple it & he'd see this cracker crumbling. Poof it's gone.


Hmmmm. I don't think I could pull it off.....I mailed the ticket today....

In the News this April 2011 Day

There's a little girl that is really big on the radio lately named Justin Beiber. Apparently her agent hasn't heard of Hosny Mubarak or Molmar Ghadafi because all she sings about is her vast knowledge of love and relationship experience. I propose she write a song about the US's involvement in UN air-strikes over Libya...you know all Bob Dylan-y.
Or something we should all be concerned about right now: giant tornadoes in the US south surely brought on by a catalyzed "butterfly effect" which began in the 9.0 Japan quakes (and those of course had their roots in Haitian voodoo). Instead, watch, she''ll probably write a gushy song (to later be auto tuned on YouTube) about some royal wedding I heard about last night. Psh.
What are YOU doing about high gas prices?




Oh crap...where's my birth certificate? How the hell am I going to run for president without my birth certificate?!!!!! Can someone please get me Donald Trump? I know if he can't find it, he will at least be "proud of himself" for bringing light to the situation....



justin, beiber, hosny, mubarak, molmar, gadafi, love, relationships, US, UN, air, strike, Libya, bob, dylan, tornado, south, japan, quake, haiti, voodoo, royal, wedding, gas, prices, birth certificate, president, Donald, trump

Inspirational Little Sayings to Forward to People

Area Man Commits Suicide Because of Onion News

Peter Phalten of Ceddar Rapids, TX was found dead by neighbors in his Brinn Street apartment late Tuesday evening. Investigators ruled the death a suicide when a suicide note was confirmed to be his own hand writing. The grim note read as follows:
"Dear friends & family,
I just saw the news on TV of North Korea wiping out all of Asia. This is it, friends...the end of the world. If you haven't heard, he's targeting Europe next and all that's left to stop him is the USA. I can't live in a world ruled by Kim Jong Ill...see you on the other side."
It was immediately noted by neighbor Bill Richardson that parody news agency Onion News Network had, moments before, aired the phony news story on cable TV.
Representatives of ONN were not reached.
"This is just such a tragedy," comments Richardson "I was next door laughing my ass of while Peter was over here drinking a bottle of bleach".
Phalten is survived by a cat named Dinky (who was lapping the bleach at the scene & may die soon).
Phalten is known to have committed multiple suicides in the Ceddar Rapids area in the last ten years.

New JWU CD: The Great Cover Up, Review

JWU The Great Cover Up
************ (12 out of 9 1/2 stars)
~by Yosh
"Startlingly Pretentious and Delightfully Comatose"


A new album for the veterans see light in the new year. It has been surprisingly nearly almost three years since the insightful team has produced their brand of wittingly profuse nomanclature. The band however have brought us this time, though untimely, a collection cover tunes remarkably a lot like an eighteen wheeler amidst a flowery meadow...16 in all. Michael Jackson and the Clash get the JWU treatment much like a traditional cover album, but there are some very unlikely mosaics here such as Total Eclipse and the formerly well known theme song of the children's 80's cartoon "Heathcliff". Part of the epicity of this release is its exquisite cast of contributors (more than any other album to date)(& too many to list here) (you'll have to peruse the liner notes). The intentions are here-forth becoming of those with nostalgia who wish to also seize a barragement of eclectic re-portrayals of their inner most rehash-ments of childhood soundtracks that may or probably did produce their current mind state. These "paintings", as I will take liberty in terming them, are most comparable to a coffee pot which has just percolated its final drop of rich brew into a glass pot - you gotta detach from societal norms in the sense that you let go of perceived inferiority but still keeping a firm grasp on reality with one foot...like such things as the fabric of space in which all matter "sits" or hangs" causing a sort of dimple where time is dilated, slowed down & even stopped.

Happy New Year! Predictions

Happy New year 2011! I would like to start off this year by making some predictions. Hopefully we'll come back to this at the end of the year & see how many of my predictions came true!

1.) The Beatles will get back together

2.) There will be a sequel to Twilight

3.) Stick people will gain sentience

4.) Radios will be combined with tape players and made portable

5.) Flying cars

6.) Jet packs

7.) Dirigibles

8.) Anti-anti matter

9.) Paperless internet

10.) The end of the "Blog"

Out of Context

MAny things we say throughout our days can be outrageously hilarious if just taken out of context, here are some:

"Somebody ate all the twinkies out of my zombie survival kit!" ~Tim Mayer

"Hey...if I can get free Rice-a-Roni, I'll do it too!" ~Me

"No! I don't want to get chocolate cake in my veins!" ~Me

"Let's not throw a frozen turkey at a girl that weighs 50 pounds!" ~Rachel Dawson

"Why are there chickens on the lawn?" ~Charity Meinhart