When reporting on the Syrian conflict, I and a couple other journalists were confiscated. We stayed the night in a guarded on-site trailer with bars over the windows. They fed us some strange tasting frosted flakes in the morning. The irony of my cereal was probably from it's proximity to the iron bars.
After we ate we were brought outside for questioning. The "leader of the pack" stepped up & in broken English asked "What is you want to know?"
I didn't know his nationality but since we were close to Syria I asked him if he was Syrial. When I got strange looks I said "...well you know...if someone has harmony they are harmonious...so you know, like...if this guy is from Syria...is he..uhh...is he Syrious?"
I don't think they thought I was serious.
What I really wanted to know is how their small army fared against the recent world wide invasion from alien forces. The aliens had far superior weapons & CNN had only followed a group of US Marines through the ordeal but there was limited coverage of other nations all over the world.
I asked him if they had fought the aliens and he acted like I was from another planet. Even the other journalists looked at me like I was crazy, so I just shut up.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
How Prisons Can Save Money
I was listening to National Pubic Radio and they were interviewing a prisoner who was getting education in prison. I think he was in for Herbicide or something. The prison was looking at cutting the education program to save money but the prisoner was explaining that the education would keep him from returning to prison after he was released.
In typical NORYB blog fashion I will keep my solutions itemized in a bulleted list so as not to lose your flea-like attention:
In typical NORYB blog fashion I will keep my solutions itemized in a bulleted list so as not to lose your flea-like attention:
- Cut the education programme. No one needs education that bad.
- Cut the costs within the programme. Many things have cheap substitutes: plastic scissors with rounded edges, off-brand glue instead of Elmer's, basic Crayola colors instead of the fancy stuff, Lisa Frank cigar boxes are an excellent way to carry supplies, 3-ring binders from Wal Mart, etc.
- Less prisoners=less costs and guards could use more target practice. You draw your own conclusions. I'm just sayin'.
- Mannequins instead of teachers. Must be realistic looking.
- Training videos on VHS instead of DVD...especially we don't need to be wasting money on BluRay. I'm sure you can find entire episodes of Dora the Explorer or Blues Clues online.
- Hire student teachers instead of University Professors. Both teacher & student will be learning = WIN WIN!
- Longer nap times = less teaching time
- Use other prisoners to teach the classes...or perhaps the K9 unit and you wouldn't have to pay them.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Absurdians
On my planetary travels, I once ended up marooned on the planet GEarthppl. When I first stepped out of my vessel I thought for sure I had ended up back on Earth. On first glance I saw trees, mountains, sky, even a city that looked like I could have been on the edge of a major American metropolitan area.
Then, a more thorough perusal revealed something very strange & different. On one of the closer building I could barely grasp what I was seeing: hoses randomly hanging from the walls. What appeared to be newspaper randomly taped all over the building. The building next to it sat in the shade of giant awning that covered the entire 8 story structure like a car port. Across the street an office building was surround by a wooden privacy fence inside of a chain link fence not 6 inches in front of that fence. A car parked on the street was covered in bubble wrap and had an old television strapped to the front grill.
Finally I saw a person. I headed toward him and the closer I got the more absurd this guy appeared. Though it seemed to be summer he had on a large poofy parka and an over ripe banana was strapped to his balding head with a zebra patterned shoestring. He was carrying a leaf rake in his right hand and wore ice crampons on his boots. When he noticed me, I caught his eye as if I were some strange anomaly.
He approached with a confused look and said "Lost your way have you? One. You're not mountain from around here, are you? LMNOP,"
Confused by his vernacular I asked "How do you know that?"
"Well, you..." he looked uncomfortable and twirled his mustache with his free hand, "...you don't have bubble anything...you know...well...where are your things? Dirt."
"I haven't a clue what you mean,sir. You are right, I come the planet earth...which is in many ways like your planet. However...there is something about this place...I can't quite place it...that makes it very peculiar...." I replied, "Tell me, why do you have a banana tied to your head?"
He acted as if I had told the world his darkest secret and answered, "Well, map...gear...it's mine, see? If I left it lying around, someone might take it,"
His answer was entirely insufficient but I moved on, "Maybe you can help me understand. On my planet you would never see that," I pointed to a red octagon sign on the corner that read:
"Stop. Make sure your right of way is clear before proceeding."
And a smaller sign below that one read "If you fail to stop you will be cited for a moving traffic violation and will need to appear in court. Please bring proper identification to court".
The man responded "What do you mean? Motor. Are there no rules on your planet?"
"No what I mean is, our sign would simply read 'Stop'. There is no need for anymore explanation"
The man looked confused and said "Well, battery...that seems vague. Well anyway lamp bobtail, you must be very tired from your travels. Do you need a carp place to stay? There's a hotel nearby,"
"That would be great," I said gratefully.
"The name's Bill Feather of the Coal Peters," he stuck a hand out, "you're the first basic moth man from outer space I have ever met".
"Yosh," I said shaking his hand "And you're the first...say what are your people called?"
"Absurdians. Follow kind ball me," and he led me down the street to 10 story hotel building.
The sign out front read Oil Horn Gum Hotel and in smaller letters: Check in, pay and stay the night if you're in need of a place to stay tonight.
Bill said "Its very nice to fuzzy meet you Mr. Yosh space alien. If you need anything, please call letter me," he handed me a business card.
"Thank you, Bill, I will!" I said and then turned to the front desk clerk.
"Hello, bumble box, sir. Will you be rutter staying the night with us?" the clerk said.
"Yes, just tonight, thank you," I replied. I noticed he seemed to be wearing a bullet proof vest and some kind of goggles.
"OK, that will be fifty four ninety eight plus thirty nine eighty two minus thirty nine eighty two, please,bagger"
Weirded out by the math equation I dug into my pocket and pulled out a fifty and a five dollar bill and handed them over.
"All right, and two cents is your yellow sofa change," he said taking two pennies out of the register and placing them into a slot on a machine.
I said "What is that?"
"This?" he pointed to the machine "A sloppy couch bear, penny folder of course," He pulled a lever and there was heavy metallic crunch and out came my two pennies folded into fourths.
Ans so was my first day on GEarthppl.
Then, a more thorough perusal revealed something very strange & different. On one of the closer building I could barely grasp what I was seeing: hoses randomly hanging from the walls. What appeared to be newspaper randomly taped all over the building. The building next to it sat in the shade of giant awning that covered the entire 8 story structure like a car port. Across the street an office building was surround by a wooden privacy fence inside of a chain link fence not 6 inches in front of that fence. A car parked on the street was covered in bubble wrap and had an old television strapped to the front grill.
Finally I saw a person. I headed toward him and the closer I got the more absurd this guy appeared. Though it seemed to be summer he had on a large poofy parka and an over ripe banana was strapped to his balding head with a zebra patterned shoestring. He was carrying a leaf rake in his right hand and wore ice crampons on his boots. When he noticed me, I caught his eye as if I were some strange anomaly.
He approached with a confused look and said "Lost your way have you? One. You're not mountain from around here, are you? LMNOP,"
Confused by his vernacular I asked "How do you know that?"
"Well, you..." he looked uncomfortable and twirled his mustache with his free hand, "...you don't have bubble anything...you know...well...where are your things? Dirt."
"I haven't a clue what you mean,sir. You are right, I come the planet earth...which is in many ways like your planet. However...there is something about this place...I can't quite place it...that makes it very peculiar...." I replied, "Tell me, why do you have a banana tied to your head?"
He acted as if I had told the world his darkest secret and answered, "Well, map...gear...it's mine, see? If I left it lying around, someone might take it,"
His answer was entirely insufficient but I moved on, "Maybe you can help me understand. On my planet you would never see that," I pointed to a red octagon sign on the corner that read:
"Stop. Make sure your right of way is clear before proceeding."
And a smaller sign below that one read "If you fail to stop you will be cited for a moving traffic violation and will need to appear in court. Please bring proper identification to court".
The man responded "What do you mean? Motor. Are there no rules on your planet?"
"No what I mean is, our sign would simply read 'Stop'. There is no need for anymore explanation"
The man looked confused and said "Well, battery...that seems vague. Well anyway lamp bobtail, you must be very tired from your travels. Do you need a carp place to stay? There's a hotel nearby,"
"That would be great," I said gratefully.
"The name's Bill Feather of the Coal Peters," he stuck a hand out, "you're the first basic moth man from outer space I have ever met".
"Yosh," I said shaking his hand "And you're the first...say what are your people called?"
"Absurdians. Follow kind ball me," and he led me down the street to 10 story hotel building.
The sign out front read Oil Horn Gum Hotel and in smaller letters: Check in, pay and stay the night if you're in need of a place to stay tonight.
Bill said "Its very nice to fuzzy meet you Mr. Yosh space alien. If you need anything, please call letter me," he handed me a business card.
"Thank you, Bill, I will!" I said and then turned to the front desk clerk.
"Hello, bumble box, sir. Will you be rutter staying the night with us?" the clerk said.
"Yes, just tonight, thank you," I replied. I noticed he seemed to be wearing a bullet proof vest and some kind of goggles.
"OK, that will be fifty four ninety eight plus thirty nine eighty two minus thirty nine eighty two, please,bagger"
Weirded out by the math equation I dug into my pocket and pulled out a fifty and a five dollar bill and handed them over.
"All right, and two cents is your yellow sofa change," he said taking two pennies out of the register and placing them into a slot on a machine.
I said "What is that?"
"This?" he pointed to the machine "A sloppy couch bear, penny folder of course," He pulled a lever and there was heavy metallic crunch and out came my two pennies folded into fourths.
Ans so was my first day on GEarthppl.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
To Get Out of A Speeding Ticket
I got a speeding ticket on my motor bike a few days ago which really put me on a bad one. The park Ranger clocked me right here. I have been trying to think of ways to get around the $120 ticket for going 44 in a 25. I have thought of several scenarios:
1. Eagle beak punch the Ranger in the throat & then take off (there's no way he could catch me on my motorcycle)
2. Feign a stroke or heart attack or seizure.
3. Jump off a cliff (& come back for my bike later)
4. Throw a grenade under his truck & try to blow up his drivetrain.
5. Tell him jokes until we are old buddies & then he won't want to write me a ticket.
6. Look! A Panda!
None of these will work and right now all I can really think of is magic. Hey if Lady Gaga can fool an entire generation into thinking she either some type of bird or reptile, I should be able to pull something. I'm thinking I should have tried a mind game on him. You know, convince him not only that I don't deserve a ticket or that he didn't clock me at 44, but that he isn't even really talking to anyone. I'd be like 'Hey man, prove to me this isn't all some scenario in a dream you're having. Or maybe YOU'RE not even real. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you only think you're real, every thought you're having is building an illusion you're real! So this ticket, look at it closely. Now start to see it as a cracker. See? You've handed me a cracker." Then I'd crumple it & he'd see this cracker crumbling. Poof it's gone.
Hmmmm. I don't think I could pull it off.....I mailed the ticket today....
1. Eagle beak punch the Ranger in the throat & then take off (there's no way he could catch me on my motorcycle)
2. Feign a stroke or heart attack or seizure.
3. Jump off a cliff (& come back for my bike later)
4. Throw a grenade under his truck & try to blow up his drivetrain.
5. Tell him jokes until we are old buddies & then he won't want to write me a ticket.
6. Look! A Panda!
None of these will work and right now all I can really think of is magic. Hey if Lady Gaga can fool an entire generation into thinking she either some type of bird or reptile, I should be able to pull something. I'm thinking I should have tried a mind game on him. You know, convince him not only that I don't deserve a ticket or that he didn't clock me at 44, but that he isn't even really talking to anyone. I'd be like 'Hey man, prove to me this isn't all some scenario in a dream you're having. Or maybe YOU'RE not even real. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you only think you're real, every thought you're having is building an illusion you're real! So this ticket, look at it closely. Now start to see it as a cracker. See? You've handed me a cracker." Then I'd crumple it & he'd see this cracker crumbling. Poof it's gone.
Hmmmm. I don't think I could pull it off.....I mailed the ticket today....
Friday, April 29, 2011
In the News this April 2011 Day
There's a little girl that is really big on the radio lately named Justin Beiber. Apparently her agent hasn't heard of Hosny Mubarak or Molmar Ghadafi because all she sings about is her vast knowledge of love and relationship experience. I propose she write a song about the US's involvement in UN air-strikes over Libya...you know all Bob Dylan-y.
Or something we should all be concerned about right now: giant tornadoes in the US south surely brought on by a catalyzed "butterfly effect" which began in the 9.0 Japan quakes (and those of course had their roots in Haitian voodoo). Instead, watch, she''ll probably write a gushy song (to later be auto tuned on YouTube) about some royal wedding I heard about last night. Psh.
What are YOU doing about high gas prices?
Oh crap...where's my birth certificate? How the hell am I going to run for president without my birth certificate?!!!!! Can someone please get me Donald Trump? I know if he can't find it, he will at least be "proud of himself" for bringing light to the situation....
justin, beiber, hosny, mubarak, molmar, gadafi, love, relationships, US, UN, air, strike, Libya, bob, dylan, tornado, south, japan, quake, haiti, voodoo, royal, wedding, gas, prices, birth certificate, president, Donald, trump
Or something we should all be concerned about right now: giant tornadoes in the US south surely brought on by a catalyzed "butterfly effect" which began in the 9.0 Japan quakes (and those of course had their roots in Haitian voodoo). Instead, watch, she''ll probably write a gushy song (to later be auto tuned on YouTube) about some royal wedding I heard about last night. Psh.
What are YOU doing about high gas prices?
Oh crap...where's my birth certificate? How the hell am I going to run for president without my birth certificate?!!!!! Can someone please get me Donald Trump? I know if he can't find it, he will at least be "proud of himself" for bringing light to the situation....
justin, beiber, hosny, mubarak, molmar, gadafi, love, relationships, US, UN, air, strike, Libya, bob, dylan, tornado, south, japan, quake, haiti, voodoo, royal, wedding, gas, prices, birth certificate, president, Donald, trump
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Area Man Commits Suicide Because of Onion News
Peter Phalten of Ceddar Rapids, TX was found dead by neighbors in his Brinn Street apartment late Tuesday evening. Investigators ruled the death a suicide when a suicide note was confirmed to be his own hand writing. The grim note read as follows:
"Dear friends & family,
I just saw the news on TV of North Korea wiping out all of Asia. This is it, friends...the end of the world. If you haven't heard, he's targeting Europe next and all that's left to stop him is the USA. I can't live in a world ruled by Kim Jong Ill...see you on the other side."
It was immediately noted by neighbor Bill Richardson that parody news agency Onion News Network had, moments before, aired the phony news story on cable TV.
Representatives of ONN were not reached.
"This is just such a tragedy," comments Richardson "I was next door laughing my ass of while Peter was over here drinking a bottle of bleach".
Phalten is survived by a cat named Dinky (who was lapping the bleach at the scene & may die soon).
Phalten is known to have committed multiple suicides in the Ceddar Rapids area in the last ten years.
"Dear friends & family,
I just saw the news on TV of North Korea wiping out all of Asia. This is it, friends...the end of the world. If you haven't heard, he's targeting Europe next and all that's left to stop him is the USA. I can't live in a world ruled by Kim Jong Ill...see you on the other side."
It was immediately noted by neighbor Bill Richardson that parody news agency Onion News Network had, moments before, aired the phony news story on cable TV.
Representatives of ONN were not reached.
"This is just such a tragedy," comments Richardson "I was next door laughing my ass of while Peter was over here drinking a bottle of bleach".
Phalten is survived by a cat named Dinky (who was lapping the bleach at the scene & may die soon).
Phalten is known to have committed multiple suicides in the Ceddar Rapids area in the last ten years.
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