Having Children, Stupid Children

I got to thinking I am a little reticent about having kids and so I tried to come up with why. I think my biggest fear is: What if I have a stupid child? No, I don't mean a mentally handicapped kid, I mean, just a stupid kid.
 Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn't take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like "Dad, I don't want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar") What if he's lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you're staring at him, he just turns around & gives you "stank eye"? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won't clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he's always farting in public?
 I wouldn't hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can't make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he's in middle school?  What if he only does band in school & doesn't go out for any sports?

You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.

A Workout We All Have Time For

Today's blog will turn your life around 360 degrees! Every one of us wants to become more buff, more ripped - am I right? Also, all of us have a hard time making time for Gym time, right? Well, I have figured ways to become buff doing everyday things:

Opening doors: do not use your weight to pull open a door, stand firm & use your muscles & pull it like a repetition on a weight machine.

Sitting in your office chair: clench you buttocks throughout the day for a toned butt.

Drinking coffee: bring the cup up to your face intensely as you would do a curl.

Walking around the office: walk hard. Walk with a purpose & run from one area of your workplace to another when possible.

Blowing your nose: blow hard using full lung capacity.

I am working on more ideas for a more complete workout, stay tuned!

Leap Day Extra Time

Happy Leap Day! Today is a magical sort of time when there are extra hours in the year! A whole 24 hours of spare time!
I've decided not to go to work as it will not matter! Instead I am using this time for things I always want to do but don't have the time!
Here's 24 things I hope to do with my spare hours:

• Be a "shock jock"
• Be a well known local musician
• Run a half marathon
• Learn to speak Chinese
• Read a classic novel like maybe the Harry Potter series
• Be a CIA agent
• Make my movie "Motorcycle Cowboys"
• Visit war torn Syria as a Western Journalist
• Kill a Unicorn
• Run with the bulls
• Be a Navy SEAL
• Eat monkey brains
• Be an NFL quarterback
• Be an NYC firefighter
• Be a cop (preferably a robo-cop)
• Hang out with the Ninja Turtles & eat pizza!!
• Write a novel about a nerdy kid name Nestor who becomes ripped & then goes back & destroys everyone who made fun of him in high school. At the end he has a moral crisis of whether he should use his powers for good or evil.
• Learn science
• Survive in a remote area with nothing but a "bowie knife"
• Go to space
• Invent na "i"Something that will outsell Apple & Microsoft combined & then use the money to buy Google & Facebook
• Hang out with friends & watch a movie
• Learn to surf
• Start my own cult

OK well I better get started, but I think I need to explain that last one a little bit (soon I will write the Cult's holy book, but for now...) I have learned the scientific bond between the spiritual & the material as seen in the lacing of a tennis shoe & its relation to a DNA Helix. If one suspends their earthly material body in a deprivation tank for a period of 8 to 10 hours in a state of total darkness, followed by hanging from the ankles for 15 minutes in a white room, the resulting state of consciousness reveals to them significant views into the eternal caverns of the spiritual mind (all of this can be done "in-mind" as it were without the aid of physical tanks, etc.). I have seen a great many number of floating orbs of energy ruminating as the flow from a central point and the relay their rumination to me via telekinesis. I'm getting frustrated because you won't believe me! Anyway I have learned very detailed information about EVERYTHING! I will laboriously begin to spell it out here:

A- Pointed on top & giving elation to digestive processes

a \'l hasan al ashari - to be disassociated with from here on out as his forthcoming life is a de-evolution into some kind of fungi

a a baranov - traded his beard for fur

aard-vark- should be pictured above every door frame at eqinox

ETC. (You get the idea)

Survey so We Can Better Survey You

At times JWU takes a reflective look at our target audience and we need to make decisions on how to better entertain you. Please take a moment to fill out this brief survey, print it and email it to 970.270.9038 Thank you!

1. Mail or Femail (Circle one)

2. Your Age: (Circle two)

1-5 yrs

5-10 yrs

10-30 yrs

31-35 yrs

36-100 yrs

100-105 yrs

other

3. How many children do you own? (Circle one)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 20 or more

4. Would your children eat JWU flavored Cheerios? y, m, n

5. What is your annual household income?

$1,000 - $1500

$1,600 - $1700

$1,700 -$1,800

I'm rich

6. In the next year, do any of your household members plan to buy (check all that apply):

HAM Radio

Commodore 64 Computer

AM/FM Radio

Turntable

Polaroid Camera

VCR

Tape Deck

Walkie Talkies

Calculator

Digital Watch

Lazer Gun

Tape Recorder

Cordless Telephone

110 or 8mm Camera

Flashlight

Car phone

Floppy Diskettes

19" or larger color Television

Walkman

Rollerskates

7. If you had to have your eyes plucked out by crows or you walk down the Vegas Strip naked, which would you choose? Go.

8. Does your household use chewing gum? (yes/no)

9. What sports are your household members into?

Polo

Curling

Disc Golf

Javelin

Hula Hoop

Rollerskating

Origami

Flight

Croquet

Gardening (or extreme gardening)

Amateur Parkour

Calf Roping

10. What hobbies do your household members enjoy?

Poaching

Hang gliding

Ice climbing

Elephant rides

Monkey Training

Skooter Races

BB Gun Tournament

Side walk chalk

Finger Painting

Video Poker

I don't get out much

19. I would like to be notified of special offers & discounts. y/n

email address:___________________

20. How many hours of TV do you watch per day divided by your hours on the internet times 15? ____________

21. Can we contact you about goods and services over telephone? Phone number___________

22. Do you believe in: (circle all that apply)

Aliens

Chupacabre

Santa Claus

Life after love

The Lost City of Atlantis

Humans Evolving from Apes

Pegasus

Unicorns

Leprechauns

Elves

Sprites

Fairies

Trolls

22. Is Superman faster than Flash?

Thank you for taking part in our survey!!! We will enter you in a drawing!

Please place this in a self addresses stamped envelope and mail by March of 2015!

Black Friday

Today is Black Friday. Don't get me wrong, I am all for equality among races, y'know - but when is White Friday? Or Brown Friday? Well, anyway, I'm not gonna make a huge deal out of it. Let's celebrate diversity! Good job for being whatever race you are! There's a lot sales going on today to celebrate our black brothas & sistas! Stores opened really early & here are some deals you could have gotten if you got up early:

Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%

Okay I'm bored of this.

The Brain Fart

OK, I have to write quickly because I have lots of real work to do! So read quickly to keep up!

The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".

The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.

Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.

It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.

The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!

Budget Cuts by Yurri Unicorn

Both Elephants AND Donkeys know that U.S. National deficit is out of control (according to this real time calculator the debt goes up about $100K per second!!!). The thing is, no one knows how it got so high or how to fix it. So now all you ever hear in the news is about Budget Cuts. To sum it up I would say it like this: Dems want to cut nothing, Republicans want to cut everything.

Well I propose a third animal, probably a clown. No that's not an animal, how about a unicorn? This magical middle animal would know how to cut the maximum without costing people jobs & getting rid of things we NEED. The unicorn would be able to use his one "corn" to plug into the electrical box at public schools to give them free power. No more cutting teacher jobs. Another big issue is healthcare. Well this magic unicorn will go around the country through people's chimney's delivering free prescription meds. This way there is no need for Medicare/caid.
The unicorn's name is Yurri Unicorn. Yurry would also be able to give people sweet CHFA and FHA loans and offer first time home buyers NO DOWN PAYMENT! Inflation? Yurri's "corn" will pop it! Ssssssssss.

We should definitely vote Yurri president. YURRY UNICORN 2012!!!! He's also perfect on non-budget related issues too! Here's where he stands on major issues:
Abortion: Mother get's rights over body, child get's right to life. Mothers not wanting children will get a restraining order on the child & the child has 9 months to move out.
Same sex marriage: There's a mentality among bachelor's that marriage is the end of fun; "game over". Well Yurry would wave his magic "corn" transferring these sentiments to all homosexuals. Then traditional marriages would last forever, and same sexes would not even want to get married! Fun for everyone!
Defense: We all know what a unicorn would do about war! No more wars! How would America defend itself? you ask. Well, I don't know. I'm sure Yurri can make a force field around the USA.

Well anyway, you can see how this 3rd animal, standing between elephants & donkeys will fix the deficit & America.
Vote for Yurri 2012!!