Kids Say the Darndest Things

One little boy was noted as having said "Gramma, I don't want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,". Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.

Cannibal Big Horn Sheep

There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that's when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn't move but i was floppin' around like a fish out of water. Then I saw 'em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that's the only reason I'm still alive to tell about it.

My Own Deep Thoughts (Circa 2002)

A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber.

Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain.

The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.

My Own Deep Thoughts II

Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don't laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.


They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.


Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?


Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"

My Own Deep Thoughts

Jack Handy had some deep thoughts. I had some of my own thoughts:

If I ever become Mayor, I’m going to have the city begin paving a road to nowhere. By the time they figure out I duped them I will have made off with the keys to the city.

Next time you’re on a bike ride with your grandma, I think it would be funny to jam a stick in her spokes. No, that wouldn’t be funny. But it would be funny if she did it to you.

Think about, Aliens aren’t really that mysterious. Flying? We can do that. Going to other planets? So can we. Cutting our heads open and blasting out the brain matter with water or air? So can we!

Area Man Gives Up Writing: Cites The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO - Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. "The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called "Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies", and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere," he said. When asked whether his fears were founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, "No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I've ever written...I just figured they probably already did it." Anderson, will give up imme

Finally it Happened to Me

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I have some uncanny knowledge about terrestrials and their older wiser relatives, extraterrestrials. I have speculated the writings of many people who have seen UFOs, "aliens", bigfoots, lockness monsters, boogy men, ghosts, vampires, mummies, frankensteins, greys, reptillians, excedrin. You may remember me begging them to lay eggs in my head. Well, it has finally happened, I was abducted.
It all began one day when I hit my head extremely hard. Although it hurt really bad I was good to go. Some kid saw some blood on me though and called an ambulance. I'm not sure if the kid was real. I do know that the "paramedics" (more like "paranormals") were not human because they were so calm and efficient. Humans would have been panicking. The ambulance, which was more likely a "Q34 Morrayzip" or space-car, took me to their mothership. They rammed probes into my arms. The even put a probe in my [CENSORED].
Days and nights on their ship were all a blur to me because they euthanized me. They did countless tests on me and may even have taken a kidney. Once they gave me the cliche anal probe. The aliens didn't speak English, rather they spoke directly to my occipital lobes which my mind translated to American.
There was one guy, looking remarkably human, who was like the main guy (like a main character in a movie). He told me there was a fracture in my spine (yeah right, so I wouldn't wonder about the pain caused by the chip they implanted in my neck!) He said they would retain me and observe me.
Many days passed full of these "tests" and "observations". One day, having had enough of this, I sprinted for the door. I went all over that mothership and could not find a way out! I did however see they had taken a BUNCH of other humans...hundreds.
Finally one day it was time for them to harvest my organs and then drop me in a farmer's field with cows they had taken organs from (Remember, you must drink Organic milk and eat ORGANIC beef! The other stuff has had its organs stolen!!! Same with organic cheese and butter)
They wheeled me into a strange cold room on a rolling bed-like gurney. One of them must have punched me in the face, because I was knocked out for the entire procedure (also, I had a fat lip when I woke up)...don't know what I did to piss him off.
When I woke up, they released me in a parking garage somewhere. When I got home I examined myself closely starting with my toes. I saw blood dots on my feet where their sharp fangs must have sucked my blood. There were more on my stomach and arms. When I got to my neck, a chill ran down my spine. There was an apparatus around my whole neck!! I took it off to see a bandage covering something. I ripped the bandage off to see stitches across a 2 or three inch slit!!! OMG I thought. They harvested something out of my neck!!! My mind raced to think of what they took!! My trachea? My esophagus? No....they took my voice box!!!!! I tried to talk and my voice sounded...normal...weird, somehow I can talk without it. I'm not sure why they put this thing on my neck, but I put it back on for fear that the incision will burst and expose my esophagus and trachea to open air which will cause them to dry out and shrivel up.
OK, well, that's what happened to me. It's unbelievable, I know - I was there. I plan on writing a book about it called Communion II:Revenge of the Greys. Look for it wherever great books are sold. And I will sign it too.