Area Man Gives Up Writing: Cites The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO - Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. "The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called "Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies", and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere," he said. When asked whether his fears were founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, "No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I've ever written...I just figured they probably already did it." Anderson, will give up imme

Finally it Happened to Me

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I have some uncanny knowledge about terrestrials and their older wiser relatives, extraterrestrials. I have speculated the writings of many people who have seen UFOs, "aliens", bigfoots, lockness monsters, boogy men, ghosts, vampires, mummies, frankensteins, greys, reptillians, excedrin. You may remember me begging them to lay eggs in my head. Well, it has finally happened, I was abducted.
It all began one day when I hit my head extremely hard. Although it hurt really bad I was good to go. Some kid saw some blood on me though and called an ambulance. I'm not sure if the kid was real. I do know that the "paramedics" (more like "paranormals") were not human because they were so calm and efficient. Humans would have been panicking. The ambulance, which was more likely a "Q34 Morrayzip" or space-car, took me to their mothership. They rammed probes into my arms. The even put a probe in my [CENSORED].
Days and nights on their ship were all a blur to me because they euthanized me. They did countless tests on me and may even have taken a kidney. Once they gave me the cliche anal probe. The aliens didn't speak English, rather they spoke directly to my occipital lobes which my mind translated to American.
There was one guy, looking remarkably human, who was like the main guy (like a main character in a movie). He told me there was a fracture in my spine (yeah right, so I wouldn't wonder about the pain caused by the chip they implanted in my neck!) He said they would retain me and observe me.
Many days passed full of these "tests" and "observations". One day, having had enough of this, I sprinted for the door. I went all over that mothership and could not find a way out! I did however see they had taken a BUNCH of other humans...hundreds.
Finally one day it was time for them to harvest my organs and then drop me in a farmer's field with cows they had taken organs from (Remember, you must drink Organic milk and eat ORGANIC beef! The other stuff has had its organs stolen!!! Same with organic cheese and butter)
They wheeled me into a strange cold room on a rolling bed-like gurney. One of them must have punched me in the face, because I was knocked out for the entire procedure (also, I had a fat lip when I woke up)...don't know what I did to piss him off.
When I woke up, they released me in a parking garage somewhere. When I got home I examined myself closely starting with my toes. I saw blood dots on my feet where their sharp fangs must have sucked my blood. There were more on my stomach and arms. When I got to my neck, a chill ran down my spine. There was an apparatus around my whole neck!! I took it off to see a bandage covering something. I ripped the bandage off to see stitches across a 2 or three inch slit!!! OMG I thought. They harvested something out of my neck!!! My mind raced to think of what they took!! My trachea? My esophagus? No....they took my voice box!!!!! I tried to talk and my voice sounded...normal...weird, somehow I can talk without it. I'm not sure why they put this thing on my neck, but I put it back on for fear that the incision will burst and expose my esophagus and trachea to open air which will cause them to dry out and shrivel up.
OK, well, that's what happened to me. It's unbelievable, I know - I was there. I plan on writing a book about it called Communion II:Revenge of the Greys. Look for it wherever great books are sold. And I will sign it too.

Obama Nation

Wow politics are heated right now and it's because of George W. Bush. It is W's fault that, Gore lost in 2000, his oil companies caused global warming which caused minute temperature changes which led to hanging chads. Global Warming also caused Saddam Husein to make W think he had WMDs and W wanted to avenge his daddy so he paid some Arabs who hate the US to run planes into the twin towers destroying a large chunk of NYC. Afghanistan, and Iraq are W's fault and it all made Cheney so nervous he shot his buddy in the face. And guess what, McPalin....er Palin...I mean McCain looks kinda like George Bush, and he's a Republican and we don't want anything resembling Bush, so we need CHANGE! Or Change we need! Plus if you vote for McCain you must feel a little racist because your missing the chance to elect our first black president. (In 2013 hopefully we can have our first Latino....actually scratch that, make that Native American, they've been waiting longer) Anyway, I heard there is a possibility of Jim Laden becoming secretary of state- so my campaign sign will read Obama Bidin Laden. So good luck Barrack Husein, try not to kill too many babies and everything will be OK, besides McCain will probably keel over before his 4 years is up....wait, that means....*gasp* first woman president! Ah crap! This is really about first black president vs. first woman president....how do we choose???
JUST KIDDING ABOUT ALL THIS HA HA!!!!
OK, now that you've read through all that mudslinging I know you are truely one of the faithful! That was all a front, just like politics is a front in real life!! That's right, this is all as my friend put it "a horse & pony show" to keep us distracted from what really matters. Are you ready forthis? Reptillians, a race of extrterestials has infiltrated America and they are on the verge of a complete take over. There is now an estimated 9:1 ratio of reptillians to humans residing in the U.S. Look around you, if you in a group of 10 people, YOU are the only human!!! Be careful!!! Watch what you say. Disguise messages with political agendas, this has proven to throw them off your trail. Remember, look at their pupils first. If they are slits like a cat, REPTILLIAN!

My name is Yosh and I approve of this message.

Paid for by the comittee to re-elect George W. Bush

Evidence of Punctuated Equilibrium

The founders of Punctuated Equilibrium Theory "Eldredge and Gould proposed that the degree of gradualism championed by Charles Darwin was virtually nonexistent in the fossil record, and that stasis dominates the history of most fossil species." (Wikipedia)
Basically in earth words "There is is no evidence of evolution in the fossil record, therefore species 'popped' into existence every once in a while." I TOLD YOU! Did I not propose 'The Popping Theory'? Anyway, as with any theory, it is just a theory until you find or make objective proof. Yesterday I was on a hike in nature when it happened! A new species POPPED into existence! I heard a loud snap (as one would expect when new matter suddenly forces itself into time & space). Suddenly there was this small squirrel like creature with antlers skittering over the rocks. OK, I didn't actually see the antlers, but I saw enough petrified bones laying around to easily assume they could be put together to build this animal. OK, none of this really happened, but I am hopeful. Punctuated Equilibrium is bound to happen anytime soon.
Can you do me a favor? If you see any unknown species of animal either just "popping" into existence or maybe showing up in a litter of puppies, please call me 270-9038. This will be big news, you will be famous.

This is....

This is where the hole is when you snort coke.

WARNING! GIANT BEAST COMING!!

Apparently pretty recently, a huge monster attacked and destroyed New York City. I saw the video tape they recovered from a guy who was taping his friend's going away party. I am wondering why we haven't seen ANYTHING on the news about this? It's a cover up! That thing and its babies are probably marching through every city and killling everything and headed out here to the west and the government is keeping it a secret! Why...because they obviously accidentally created it in a cold fusion experiment. They were trying to fuse atoms into chemical weapons to use on Osama Bib Laden when it got too cold and created an atmosphere much like the primordial soup of early earth. A small electric shock (even someone scuffing their socks on the carpet) set off a chemical reaction throwing evolution into play (most people don't realize how simple it is to a start evolution into motion- many accidental random things can start it off). It wasn't long before a thousand foot tall beast was rising out of the water in the Hudson Bay area. He was likely looking for a gym to become the fittest in order to survive-ha ha just kidding.
Anyway, I'm drawing up some flyers warning of the beast that will soon make its way here that I will make millions of copies of that I will start stapling to phone poles and taping up in grocery stores. People need to start hearing about this.
One can only imagine what a thousand foot accidental species could do. From the video it looks like it can shoot fire balls and seemed to be a formidable opponent to the US Army. It also seems to be reproducing rapidly.

PS Keep your video cameras rolling in order to document its destruction for the survivors of your town.

The Atom Smasher is Beginning to End the World

I only found out about his thing last night. the HDL I mean Large Hadron Collider. If you have heard, this is a machine under the border of France and Switzerland that is huge.
The only thing it does is smash atoms together and it cost millions. I don't know why these "scientists" think they're so smart. It's easy to smash atoms with a hammer. I have done it. I know I have swung a hammer hard enough to break things, and these things are made of billions of tiny atoms. I have noticed that nothing significant happened when I have done this. No "big bang scenario" happened.
This leads me to believe there is reason the LHC costs billions of dollars. The reason is that their machine is highly dangerous. Some have predicted the machine will create black holes. They turned it on this morning at midnight my time. Many people have said nothing happened. I, however, have begun to notice many things that precede a mass implosion which means we are in the final hours of existence.

My observations of the effects of the HCL:

• Rain (I don't remember it raining on September 10th last year)
• Phlegm in my throat caused by high radio frequencies
• Lower back pain from radiation that is just now reaching the U.S.
• A dead fish in my fish tank from toxic free radicals
• A sense of lethargy in me and likely my co-workers
• I can feel a slight pull eastward toward France where the black hole is gaining energy
• A dimming of light in my office that is being sucked into the black hole
• Ever so slightly you can tell the Earth is getting lighter as mass is "gobbled up" by the black hole
• Global Warming
• The melting of polar ice caps
• People not willing to recycle
• Higher taxes (and they will only rise when the US builds its own CFC)
• Starvation among people groups with little or no food
• AIDS
• Human Papaloma Virus
  
• Gas prices rising rapidly to cover the energy bill from turning this thing on
• Wars are being fought in many countries near there
• Russia is jealous of France so they decided to "pick on" Georgia (don't worry Georgia, the south will rise again)
• IEDs made from unused LCH parts.

These are only the bad things! Other effects include (in a few months) an understanding of the Origin of Species (a controversial book by Charles Darwin). They have begun a chain reaction that will end up beginning a new universe! This is exciting as anyone alive to day will get to witness the whole process of evolution right before our eyes! We will see first a BANG!!!!! that will hurt our ears. Then we will see primordial ooze coming from the LHC. One day lightning will then strike it and we will begin watching amino acids give birth to embryo's that will soon swim out and become monkeys. I think we need to be careful and abort these babies before they evolve into fully thinking intelligent humans because they will have a bunch of stupid philosophical questions for us like "Are you God?" and "Where did we come from?" and we'll be like "You came from the LHC" and they will ask where we came from and then we will have to tell them about the LHC that birthed us. "It was a much less...ummm mechanical...one...it was one that wasn't built by man. It built itself out of nothing. " And then before they ask how that's possible we'll have to distract them by saying "Look! Behind you! A Jelly Doughnut!" and then run to where they can't find us.
Abort the LHC babies! Vote democrat!