Please Please Lay Eggs in My Head

Today's blog is not really for humans to read (but if you do, that's cool.) This is addressed to you beings from other planets, greys, aliens, extra terrestrials, or some even call you "Little Green Men". Okay. I know you are out there. I have seen almost every episode of the X Files and therefore have a good knowledge of how you work, what you look like and your purposes. I want to first establish communication with you as peaceful. I mean you no harm and am really intrigued by your species. I am honored that you have chosen Earth to study and am even to the point of being quite envious of the humans you have contacted you might say I am "green with envy", ha ha, I'm the little green man! Ha ha (sorry, a little Earth humor there). Anyway, please know that I am more than willing to offer myself to your studies (as long as you don't kill me and please no anal probes)
I am aware that many of your people are looking for host bodies for your eggs. I am willing to let you ram your ovary depositor down my throat and lay your eggs in my chest, or maybe put them in my head. I know this may cause pain and erratic behavior on my behalf, but is for the good of the unification of our species. I would be honored. Please inform me as to all the physical effects and details of this surrogate process. How do you deposit the eggs in my head? How do you past my skull? Do you use a drill? Do you use anesthetics? Is the enough room in my head between brain and skull? If not you may discard portions of my brain that I don't use (or better yet graft them onto one of your fellow being's brain to enhance him) When the eggs hatch, do the babies (or pups?) chip their way through my skull? Or do they squirm above my cerebral cortex until until they find an open orifice through which to birth? This could be my eye, nose, ear or mouth opening. I'm sure I will have to take a sick day that day as anyone witinessing this may become nauseous and vomit or urinate themselves.
OK, thanks friends.
PS Let me know if there is paper work to fill out.
K, bye.

Shootin' Things

At JWU Industries, we like to stay well armed and practiced in our fire arms. It is in this way that our band stays free. We can and will fight for our right to be the kind of band we have become when we left England.

Area Man Overloads the Internet

by Yosh Anderson for the Monthly Waste
GRAND JUNCTION, CO - The World Wide Web was shut down for 2 hours last night at 2:49am as Internet Technicians worked furviously to remedy the problem. The problem? 34 year old Richard Drakeson is cited as the one man responsible for "filling up" the internet.
"I think I realized the problem as I had just finished uploading the Drakeson family photo archive on Photobucket after maxing out my accounts at Flickr, MySpace and Facebook. My computer slowed down and I thought it was just my internet connection. Then I proceeded to upload all 480 of my Blue Ray DVDs onto a private FTP as well every home video any Drakeson has ever made onto YouTube," Drakeson told the Press "Suddenly I got an error message reading 'Warning: The file being copied is too large for the World Wide Web. Please delete files and retry'. I thought that was preposterous, so I retried at which point my computer froze,"
Drakeson then called his personal computer tech who told him all of his clients had the same problem. It wasn't long before they began to realize the dilemma was affecting the entire Web.
"I've never seen anything like this. [Richard] had some damn big files he was uploading," commented Arron Doyle, Drakeson's personal computer technician.
Around 5am this morning a team of 500 technicians working over telephone line were able to get reserve servers up that used Beta Rogue software to find Drakeson's offending files and delete them.
"The largest file was what appeared to be roughly ten years of home videos, mostly of mistaken footage when someone didn't realize the camera was on," commented Mark Rigllhutz, a software technician working out of Silicon Valley "Once we got those videos off YouTube the internet began to fire up all over the world again,".
"I want to apologize to the world for crashing whole darn thing and well...Cokes are on me, everyone,"
-email Yosh at rawar777@yahoo.com

MyFace.com

I'm sick of having a Facebook AND a MySpace, but you have to in order to get the best of both worlds! So here is my proposition: MyFace. All the features from both social networking sites + more ABOUT ME section and a BIGGER profile section. Let people see more of you and want you more!!! Your friends won't help being drawn to your profile to check up on the latest about you! You will have to fight off members of the opposite sex because they will be falling in love with you!!! YOU YOU YOU!

The Kitchbot is Here! *DANGER*

I am so excited. I was listening to Relevant Podcast today and they read the news article of a kitchen bot that looks like a giant refrigerator and moves around very slowly cleaning your kitchen. It moves slowly for quote "safety reasons" but I agree with the Relevant guys that it is to stop it from annihilating humans. I had a refrigerator threaten my life once and it traumatized me so I would be all for limiting what robots have the power to do. Like, I mean, they should be able to do our work for us, but say if they were using scissors, then we should only make their hands able to pick up rounded end scissors, you know? Or maybe if we needed their help with hunting, the gun that the robot uses would be a small caliber, like a .22 so if he decided to shoot you it would be less likely to kill you.

Atrocity

Charity spent weeks raising these sea monkeys and...and...well...just watch the video...

Maybe You've Hd This Happen

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...