The F’d Up Little Lamb

Once there was a flock of sheep who were all rather “in the know”, hipster sheep if you will. If one of them saw a certain movie or watched a certain TV show, all the rest had to see it too.If one wore a certain type of shoes, soon all of them would have the same shoes. Most of all, if one bought a certain brand of laptop or phone, the rest of the flock knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that brand was way better than any other.

There was one sheep though, he was black and his name was Yosh. The rest of the sheep called him a contrarian. No matter what Yosh did, he was always different (except when he wore Cons). One autumn, Yosh fell from a tree and busted his neck. Basically he got his ass kicked by a tree. This left Yosh with F’d up hands and occasionally he would knock drinks over in people’s laps.

A while later the flock realized Yosh was retarded in the relationship category and decided they should hook him up with a Cow named Abby. They didn’t care that Yosh was sheep and she was a cow. Abby annoyed Yosh with her incessant mooing.

One day the flock all went to lunch & forgot about Yosh. Yosh was really sad and decided the only way to make things better was cocaine and cutting. Just kidding. Yosh wandered around and Abby found him. As they wandered along they decided to go into a Denny’s or a VI or something...actually I think it was IHOP. They sat down for a cup of coffee and some toast. The waitress had been tripping on ‘shrooms earlier & so she didn’t even seem phased that there was a sheep & a cow in her booth...in fact, she thought she was a chicken anyway.
When Yosh’s toast came out, he saw something quite amazing! Burnt into his toast was the baby Jesus! Yosh thought “well that’s neat”. And he ate his toast.

You see, the moral of the story is that if Yosh wasn’t F’d up, he wouldn’t have seen the cool toast. See kids, when you are maligned by society, don’t worry! One day they will feel bad and try to get rid of you by appeasing you until you shut up and go away. When this happens you will be privileged to see some pretty cool little things here & there. Don’t give up!


The End


Note: All characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone real, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Things to Say

Here is a collection of "witty" things to say that you can use in your Twitter or Facebook feeds. I give you permission as long as you put a squiggly & then my name after it (~Yosh)

"People keep forgetting the "i" when they talk about MiLK Day. Happy MiLK Day everyone!"

"Rhianna! Your. Name. Is. Rhianna!"


"I'm not going to be aloud near Children's Ministry tonight...it's this mustache."


"I'm just gonna go ahead & toot my own horn: I made a World Record last night at Javeline toss...on Kinect"


"these jeans are right in the waist, but how long? can't find length anywhere. the brand: Guess. Me: no"


"I want to make your stomach hurt. Not by poison,ya turkey, by makin' you laugh really hard!"


"Me: "This chick has kind of a nice voice"
Radio: "Justin Beiber with 'Baby'"
Me: "oh""


"New iPad comes loaded to the max with every App. imaginable. It's called the Max iPad."


"More fun than duck duck goose....duct TAPE goose!"

Dear "So & So"...

Dear Spam,
I know you're really a girl who's got a crush on me & is trying to get my attention. After all you are the only one who ever writes me email. I have tried responding to you but it seems there's an error. I have a question, what is Cialis?
Well I hope your "Make money from home" job is going good! Ttyl.

Yosh





Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Thank you.

Yosh




Dear Google,
I have an idea that maybe you haven't tried yet. Buy Apple. Don't be like Yahoo when they had a chance to buy you. Do it now while you have a chance. Then you should buy Microsoft.

Yosh

A Thanksgiving Day Poem

Turkey oh Turkey
Why do you...why do you shirk me?
Hey Turkey Poo
Yeah I'm talkin to you
I like you when you're moist
But not when you...uh...um..when you hoist
Turkey iss....

I'm bored of this

bOrdinary

How many people, on a scale of 1 to 13.5 (1 being the best, 5 the worst and 13, so so) agree with me that most of you are ordinary? And ordinary is boring.
I just accused you, so comment on this blog & tell me why I'm wrong!
Disagree? Take this quiz:

1.) Faced with a surprise random herd of chickens I would
a- Try to feed them
b- Try to pick up the white one
c- Do nothing & get back to work
d- Take pictures of them
e- All of the above


The answer is B. So, yeah, you were wrong.

Going Green

I heard this phrase the other day: "Going Green". I'm pretty sure it was referring to when people become envious. (Or maybe when you yell at the person in front of you at the stop light when they're on their cell phone?) I have seen some vague references to vegetables & eating healthier, and protecting the environment too. I'm starting to think it's a new hip term for being conscious about ways to "save the planet"? So watch this phrase in coming years as it will be everywhere, I think.

This got me to thinking: If everyone did their part we could rid the world of this "green house effect". Greenhouses are places where plants are given an almost perfect environment to flourish & when we get too much CO2 in our skies, this begins to happen. Plants could foreseeably outnumber humans. We may be poisoned by the subsequent outflow of oxygen. Also the plants will probably then evolve beyond our own mental capacity and the next step (probably by the year twenty eleven) will be them RULING US! Damn it.
This cannot happen!

SO!

Here are ways to "save" "the" "environment":

1. Turn the lights off. ALways. We think we need them. We don't. How do you think people in the 1800's did things at night. Also, your headlights suck power from the engine. You'll get better gas mileage w/out them.

2. Do not drive. Or try not to. If you can, coast to work. Burning fuel uses energies from gasses combusted in your internal engine. This makes a vehicular excrement known as CO2 (see above explanation)

3. Don't waste.See this post.

4. Eat less saturated fats. Eat the plants (especially the ones that seem to be evolving sentience).

13. Disassemble the snowman one "ball" at a time.

6. Reduce: I have no idea what this means.

7. Reuse: When something breaks, fix it, don't throw it away & buy a new one! Think, every time you chuck something, it's going to the land fill. Landfills are everywhere & getting bigger. They are filling the land - land that we should be living on & sharing with animals (but not sentient plants).

8. Recycle: you collect your pop cans in a separate bag & then bring them to City Market. They will give you I think 5 cents for every half ton of soda cans you bring in. This is why you see bums collecting cans. It's money people. Recycle for the money.

Actually, I've decided the phrase is really referring to turning green with envy...so disregard everything I just said. Except number 13.

My Top 40 Song

These days with the magic of Auto Tune, anyone can make a top 40 hit ready for radio!
What about rhythm? Don't need it! Let the software make a beat for you!
What about instrumental talent? Really? Are you gonna make me answer that?
What bout voice talent? AUTO TUNE!
What about songwriting? Who gives a rip what you sing about? As long as it has that sweet auto tune sound and a funky beat, you can sing about ANYTHING! (ex. The Huntsville Rapist, that commercial with T Pain where he even talks in auto tune).
What about originality? No need! Today's clubs and top 40 are completely free of it, so why would you need it?


So, here are the lyrics to my new song. The only thing I'm having trouble with is rhyming... I wonder if there is Auto Rhyming software? WAIT! I just invented it!

Da Club
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Money!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'
Except the weekend
And goin' to the club

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin
And actin' like I'm a star
And gettin' all the chicks


Da Club (after run through Auto Rhyming SoftwareTM)
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Moneyo!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'ay
Except the weekend, ey
And goin' to the clubay

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long, bub

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin life
And actin' like I'm a star life
And gettin' all the chicks life