Thoughts on Things

Voices

Many of us have "voices in our head". Some people have problems with their voices. My biggest problem is sometimes understanding them. Like last night "Mill them all." What is THAT supposed to mean?


Get Well Soon

How soon is too soon to give someone a Get Well Soon Card? I thought about having some on hand at all times. If you saw a kid fall off his bike & break his arm, it would probably make him feel better if you went over & gave him a Get Well Soon card, then called 911.
Maybe the SOONER you gave it, the SOONER they could get well?

The "Center Brain"

You've heard of "right brained" people and "left brained" people. It has been discovered that the left brain is the more logical side thinking in mathematics and concrete concepts while the left brain controls spatial, non-verbal and emotional thought.
In recent years scientists have discovered a small brain within our brains called the Corpus Colosseum. Experiments are revealing that erratic and semi-normal psychopathic behavior comes from this area. Also ultra-sound shows that there is a tiny horse in there running on a treadmill. Exercised cloud-watchers argue the image reveals a unicorn standing on a tortoise. I have seen an MRI of the image and I saw something utterly different. It was a gibbon speaking in Mandarin which I for some reason understood. He played piano and gave me insight into the 5th dimension. The following equation resulted:
a+b5/the root of Potassium Argon x z(moles)to the 5th= the root of the curvature of the space/time continuum.
In other words, if we square it, we have a working equation for finding worm holes in the fabric of time! What a smart gibbon!

Your Minde: A Repository of "Things"

There are things in your head waiting dormant until you call on them to be produced by way of speech, electronic typewriter, musical instrument or artiste's medium. In order to prove to you what I mean I will produce for you a list "things" that come from none other than my mind.
Bull (The male cow)
Car battery
Cat lice
Rope
Mortgage
Rose (and/or lilies)
Macbeth (the play, not the planet)
Pottery
Black jelly beans
Rice pudding
Wrench (16mm)
A red button
Mule
Pastries

Now I ask you, where did these items come from? Not one of them was triggered by a direct and recent experience. However, they lie dormant, put there years ago upon my first contact with them.
So next time, think about what is in your mind and how might you use it. I like drawing and painting and so I think I will draw a bull with a wrench eating a bowl of rice pudding.

PS I'm not British, but if you read this in an English accent it sounds more proper and scientific. Thank you..

Facts

I heard that most facts are made up by the internet. Here are some facts:

George Washington grew heroin leaves

Bamboo has been noted to grow 1000 feet

40% of all men are poisoned daily by their wives at breakfast & given an antidote when they get home each evening.

Coffee grounds are actually ground up cocoa beetles.

Human intestines, when unraveled can be wrapped around the Earth 60 times if pulled taught enough.

Croquet was the first sport to allow janitors to play with royalty and use animals for caddies

A carbon footprint can be made with a boot as well as the bare foot

Kissing can cause high levels of carbonation

Sir Isaac Franklin was the inventor of the apple pie, 3-legged sack races, winking, single-ply toilet paper, radish juice, sponge shoes, "puree" on the blender, trash cans with foot petals, silk worms, ice packs, lamp shades, hand turkeys and wrote many books including "The Great Platypuss Detective", "How Loss 10 Pounds of Fat in One Day", "Residual Carbolic Acid Chronology Tests and How to Ruminate Them: An Alchemist's Guide to the Universe".

Recipe

I thought of a couple good recipes while sitting in traffic today:

Breakfast Slurry
2 Cookies
2 c of milk
1 blueberry muffin
1 c cereal

mix well and enjoy


Castle Roll Casserole

1 helping of Serbian Egg Casserole
1 helping of cheesy potato casserole
3/4 c Lard

Stir helpings together. Bake at 350 for 4 min.


Scorched Earth

5 T crushed Red Peppers
1 minced chipotle pepper
1 c Chili powder
2 T tabasco
1 diced jalapeno
4 minced habanero peppers
5 c cayenne pepper
1 tsp black pepper

Stir together with boiling water. Drink quickly and chase with Vodka (must be Vodka to correlate with "Scorched Earth")


Weed Terminator

4 qt. used motor oil
1 qt. paint thinner
1 gal. bleach
1 c gasoline
1 T power steering fluid
2 c windex

Mix and shake up. Pour on weeds and rodents. Do not eat!

The Self Perpetuation of the "Pop Up" Kleenex

The "Pop Up" Kleenex is that Kleenex box designed to pull up a fresh new tissue conveniently waiting for your hand to snatch it next time you need some blownose. It's a great invention really, it keeps you from fumbling around trying to get a hold of one when your nose feels like its oozing off your face.
Ever the conspiracy theorist, I have caught on to the plans of product developers at Kleenex. They devised a cunning scheme: just by tightening the clear plastic membrane that keeps that tissue popped up there, they have created a perpetuation of their product. They realized that the tightness causes a tiny bit of "tissue dust" to rub off of each tissue pulled through the membrane. The faster you yank one out, the better the potential allergens are dispersed in your vicinity. See? Little particles are breathed in and your nasal passages go nuts! Your nose runs like crazy & you think you're having an allergy attack. You yank another one out and the cycle continues.
This also creates a rapid accumulation of dust bunnies around the area of the Kleenex box. So...maybe a way to defeat their wily plan is to stretch that plastic part before you begin use! Damn the Man! Fight the power!!

My Ideas

*NEW* A T-shirt line for girls called Witty Tittie. On all their their shirts, witty sayings are written across the chest. (SOmetimes I'm glad no one read this blog)

Breed a cow with a coffee plant to get "Already Creamed Coffee"
(Side effects may be coffee flavored beef??)

A genetically modified alarm clock that...that um...(OK I had this bright idea when I woke up one morning and now it doesn't make any sense)

If you're too busy to finish that cup of coffee in the morning, don't dump it out! Leave it on the counter and come back throughout the day for sips of cold coffee!

Have you ever reached for the soap bar off the shower-head rack and dropped it? What if your rack had and extra shelf at the bottom to catch the soap? If the soap landed in there and you tried to grab it again and it slipped out, there could be another shelf below that and so on until it reached the bath faucet. Why didn't you think of that?

Trees that grow paper. These days we are trying to "go green" and recycle everything and reuse as much as possible. People are always saying "Save a tree, recycle this". Well, what if paper grew on trees? We would have an ever renewing source! (Later in the future we could breed these trees with other fibers and even genetically engineer them to grow dollar bills on their branches)

Have you ever pumped yeast into your tires? I haven't. But I would imagine that if you did, the rising property of yeast would causes gasses to release keeping your tires permanently inflated.

Potato chips in the shape of numbers. Then we could literally "crunch the numbers". This will make mathematicians of us all.