How to Become A Legend

Having become somewhat notorious and controversial myself, I have learned some tips & tricks on how to become a legend.
Everyone wants to be a legend. Not true. Most people are content to seek lot's of money and things and fame like "normal" people. A legend is more about being a real super hero. You want to be the stuff of myths, here's how:
1. Be eccentric. This in a sense means being strange and different. Wear some glasses that no one else has. Make up your own style of clothes and wear them ALL the time. Never be mundane.

2. Make up your own accent. Don't be too crazy with it cause people need to believe it. And it won't be a lie cause it's yours and it's real.

3. Get involved in something you really like and do the "hell" out of it. If it's writing, write novels, books, papers, articles and blogs. If it's art, paint, draw, sculpt, go to art shows, sell your work and publish it. If it's... If you don't currently like anything then find something preferably wild such as baking with chimps and then you go out there and bake the HELL out of those chimps.

4. Learn how to do something spectacular like being able to wrestle a moose or being able to jump pretty high. Suggestions:
Learn a dazzling card trick
Always have candy in your pocket to give to kids
Base jump
Smoke Jump
Ride you bike with no hands
Ollie
Drive a tractor

5. Travel. Legends have "been there" "done that". Every weekend you should be driving at least 50 miles to see new things. Also the more people who see your face, the more famouser you are.

6. Be nice to everyone you meet*. You need to become BFFs with almost everyone in the world.
*Except #7

7. You will have an enemy. Make sure your struggles with your enemy are known publicly.

8. Befriend the commissioner.

9. Have a secret identity. Wear big sunglasses and a hat and maybe a bandanna over your mouth when you go out.

10. Write a theme song about yourself and have it recorded but make it look like a fan made it.

11. Make up your own language.

12. Help people in need always.

13. Have a method for everything and teach it to your "pupils"

14. Tell "proverbs" and make them sound like contradictions like "To do, one must first NOT do"

k, i have to pee

Michael Jackson

I remember Michael Jackson. When I was a kid, there were Michael Jackson Pepsi commercials and MTV videos. There was also always Michael Jackson on the radio. All the kids were listening to Michael Jackson, dressing like Michael Jackson, trying to dance like Michael Jackson, etc. Even I myself moonwalked mimicking the King of Pop. I think the most played song was probably Beat It by Michael Jackson. I remember in the late 80's and early 90's watching Michael Jackson start to turn white. Michael Jackson was Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was Invincible. Michael Jackson was so ubiquitous that you could use "Michael Jackson" as a substitute word. Like I could Michael Jackson and you would Michael Jackson. In fact, the more I Michael Jackson, the more Michael Jackson you could Michael Jackson. So Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson. And finally Michael Jackson, Michael JacksonMichael Jackson...Michael Jackson-Michael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael Jackson

Michael Jackson is Still Alive

Michael Jackson died one week ago today. I don't believe he is dead. Everyone thought Elvis died too but now we all know he's alive. I think if we've learned anything from the X Files, it's that there are paranormal powers out there. We know Michael had a strong tie to Elvis because he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. (My own mom went to high school at White Haven located just down the street from Graceland). AND where do you think MJ got the idea for Neverland? From Graceland! (Well, OK I guess Peter Pan had some to do with it)But think about it, Never Never Land was about never getting older. Jacko never got older! Elvis was the King of Rock & Roll, James Brown was the King of Funk, Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. James Brown is Dead (I learned that from L.A. Style before he was dead, but Holy Noise told us he was Still Alive, but he is dead now)
Most people don't know Jackson's skin turned white because he of a traumatic experience (not the Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire) He was abducted by Caucasian Aliens. They were racist Caucasian Aliens who wanted to make him into a white person. They were also feminist and turned him into a woman. MJ was victimized by Caucasian Feminist Aliens.
I thought MJ was talented and a pretty sweet dancer.
He is still alive and they are harboring him on the moon. This was where he learned the moonwalk. He is happy there on the moon.
Drink Pepsi.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One little boy was noted as having said "Gramma, I don't want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,". Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.

Cannibal Big Horn Sheep

There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that's when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn't move but i was floppin' around like a fish out of water. Then I saw 'em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that's the only reason I'm still alive to tell about it.

My Own Deep Thoughts (Circa 2002)

A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber.

Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain.

The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.

My Own Deep Thoughts II

Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don't laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.


They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.


Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?


Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"