Michael Jackson is Still Alive

Michael Jackson died one week ago today. I don't believe he is dead. Everyone thought Elvis died too but now we all know he's alive. I think if we've learned anything from the X Files, it's that there are paranormal powers out there. We know Michael had a strong tie to Elvis because he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. (My own mom went to high school at White Haven located just down the street from Graceland). AND where do you think MJ got the idea for Neverland? From Graceland! (Well, OK I guess Peter Pan had some to do with it)But think about it, Never Never Land was about never getting older. Jacko never got older! Elvis was the King of Rock & Roll, James Brown was the King of Funk, Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. James Brown is Dead (I learned that from L.A. Style before he was dead, but Holy Noise told us he was Still Alive, but he is dead now)
Most people don't know Jackson's skin turned white because he of a traumatic experience (not the Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire) He was abducted by Caucasian Aliens. They were racist Caucasian Aliens who wanted to make him into a white person. They were also feminist and turned him into a woman. MJ was victimized by Caucasian Feminist Aliens.
I thought MJ was talented and a pretty sweet dancer.
He is still alive and they are harboring him on the moon. This was where he learned the moonwalk. He is happy there on the moon.
Drink Pepsi.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One little boy was noted as having said "Gramma, I don't want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,". Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.

Cannibal Big Horn Sheep

There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that's when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn't move but i was floppin' around like a fish out of water. Then I saw 'em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that's the only reason I'm still alive to tell about it.

My Own Deep Thoughts (Circa 2002)

A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber.

Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain.

The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.

My Own Deep Thoughts II

Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don't laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.


They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.


Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?


Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"

My Own Deep Thoughts

Jack Handy had some deep thoughts. I had some of my own thoughts:

If I ever become Mayor, I’m going to have the city begin paving a road to nowhere. By the time they figure out I duped them I will have made off with the keys to the city.

Next time you’re on a bike ride with your grandma, I think it would be funny to jam a stick in her spokes. No, that wouldn’t be funny. But it would be funny if she did it to you.

Think about, Aliens aren’t really that mysterious. Flying? We can do that. Going to other planets? So can we. Cutting our heads open and blasting out the brain matter with water or air? So can we!

Area Man Gives Up Writing: Cites The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO - Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. "The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called "Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies", and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere," he said. When asked whether his fears were founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, "No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I've ever written...I just figured they probably already did it." Anderson, will give up imme