The Atom Smasher is Beginning to End the World

I only found out about his thing last night. the HDL I mean Large Hadron Collider. If you have heard, this is a machine under the border of France and Switzerland that is huge.
The only thing it does is smash atoms together and it cost millions. I don't know why these "scientists" think they're so smart. It's easy to smash atoms with a hammer. I have done it. I know I have swung a hammer hard enough to break things, and these things are made of billions of tiny atoms. I have noticed that nothing significant happened when I have done this. No "big bang scenario" happened.
This leads me to believe there is reason the LHC costs billions of dollars. The reason is that their machine is highly dangerous. Some have predicted the machine will create black holes. They turned it on this morning at midnight my time. Many people have said nothing happened. I, however, have begun to notice many things that precede a mass implosion which means we are in the final hours of existence.

My observations of the effects of the HCL:

• Rain (I don't remember it raining on September 10th last year)
• Phlegm in my throat caused by high radio frequencies
• Lower back pain from radiation that is just now reaching the U.S.
• A dead fish in my fish tank from toxic free radicals
• A sense of lethargy in me and likely my co-workers
• I can feel a slight pull eastward toward France where the black hole is gaining energy
• A dimming of light in my office that is being sucked into the black hole
• Ever so slightly you can tell the Earth is getting lighter as mass is "gobbled up" by the black hole
• Global Warming
• The melting of polar ice caps
• People not willing to recycle
• Higher taxes (and they will only rise when the US builds its own CFC)
• Starvation among people groups with little or no food
• AIDS
• Human Papaloma Virus
  
• Gas prices rising rapidly to cover the energy bill from turning this thing on
• Wars are being fought in many countries near there
• Russia is jealous of France so they decided to "pick on" Georgia (don't worry Georgia, the south will rise again)
• IEDs made from unused LCH parts.

These are only the bad things! Other effects include (in a few months) an understanding of the Origin of Species (a controversial book by Charles Darwin). They have begun a chain reaction that will end up beginning a new universe! This is exciting as anyone alive to day will get to witness the whole process of evolution right before our eyes! We will see first a BANG!!!!! that will hurt our ears. Then we will see primordial ooze coming from the LHC. One day lightning will then strike it and we will begin watching amino acids give birth to embryo's that will soon swim out and become monkeys. I think we need to be careful and abort these babies before they evolve into fully thinking intelligent humans because they will have a bunch of stupid philosophical questions for us like "Are you God?" and "Where did we come from?" and we'll be like "You came from the LHC" and they will ask where we came from and then we will have to tell them about the LHC that birthed us. "It was a much less...ummm mechanical...one...it was one that wasn't built by man. It built itself out of nothing. " And then before they ask how that's possible we'll have to distract them by saying "Look! Behind you! A Jelly Doughnut!" and then run to where they can't find us.
Abort the LHC babies! Vote democrat!

The Popping Theory

Sometimes I am boggled by quote “scientists”. While studying the origin of life they are having a real problem trying to understand where it all came from in the beginnning. They are also trying to figure out how things morph over time to create new things/animals etc. It's so easy to come up with a theory. Here is my theory, it is called The Popping Theory. Basically things just "pop" out of nothing into existence. This explains things like the Cambrian Explosion. It explains why they are having a hard time finding fossils that link monkeys to man. If you think about it, it makes much more sense if things just "popped" into existence.

E Paper and the Coming Controversy

I heard on a podcast today that "they" have discovered E Paper. This is paper that is basically like a computer screen and so they can use it for magazine covers and animated covers. Pretty soon I'm sure it will be thin enough to be every page of the magazine. Now we can watch our magazines rather then read them, thank goodness....I thought the age of reading was never going to end. Oops...that affects this blog. I guess we better work on making this blog into it's movie version - not so much because it needs to work on E Paper, but because it won't be too long before society has done away with reading completely (it is a quite archaic way of communicating anyway) (I mean, just think of how long its taking me to type this by pushing each individual key for every letter, if I acted this all out it would be much easier)
There is one small problem with E Paper is that it takes power. That means fossil fuels or something. And I have heard about how the ozone is depleting or depreciating or what ever. Fossil fuels are made from melting dinosaur bones which there can only be so many of. The next animal whose bones we use may actually need to be non-extinct. I guess we would pick the most useless animals first (probably the Tea Cup Poodle) but once we extinct them we will need to move on to ugliest animals. I can foresee the moral debate here as many humans will be considered. But really, they should sacrifice themselves for the good of all. Technology must march forward.

The Hollowed Out Horse Episode

That Survivor Guy on the Discovery Channel has put himself through some rigorous experiences. Tonight I was watching him in this mountainous area where it rained a lot. He was getting cold and needed to make a fire. He was really struggling. If I was in this situation I know exactly what I would do. I would find a horse and hollow it out and climb inside. I have heard this is one of the best ways to keep yourself warm. Survivor Guy should know this. I think I will write and/or call the Discovery Channel and inform them of this well known survival tactic. Maybe it will be in a future episode of Survivor Guy. It will probably be pretty controversial, but will go down in history and be known as the Hollowed Out Horse Episode. It was my idea, K - you read it here first.

The Neighbor's Incorrigible Dog

He's about the size of our cat, that neighbor's dog with his hoarse non-intimidating bark. He's usually fenced in the backyard but somehow he manages to poop in my front yard. Sometimes there is deer poop in my back yard.
One day (I can't really remember if this is a dream or not) he came over and I saw him getting ready to crap. I opened the front door expecting him to bolt. But no, he was so sure he was right that he stayed there looking at me. I said to him, "C'mon-look, you've nearly covered my front yard in your fecal matter!" And he was like, "Look, I know you all hate me over here but I would like to believe you can look past your raw hatred. Maybe 'dislike' is a more accurate word? I mean, after all, it is only stool and is a part of nature. This shouldn't warrant all-out hatred -I mean, you and I could be friends. I believe you'd understand my point of view if you weren't so biased. Biased by your own use of toilets and your bipedal tendencies. You know, I really think you humans must think you're superior just because you can do arithmetic and what not. Arithmetic is not even that amazing-I mean, who really needs it when they grow up anyways?" He spoke in a weird sort of half-daze almost like he didn't really believe what he was saying or maybe he was bored of what he was saying. Then I realized this was all an elaborate distraction when I saw his pile of dookie.
OK, I'm pretty sure that was dream. But seriously do you follow his logic?

I'm Pretty Smart and Experienced

I was just thinking, and I realized that I'm pretty smart and I have done a lot of things. I'm actually one of the wiser and more experienced people on Earth. You might be wondering how I know this. It is a feeling I have. I just know. Like, I seem to know a lot about things that I don't hear other people ever talking about. For instance, I seem to see and understand that robots are growing in intelligence and numbers. A take over is imminent if we don't heed the warning signs.
Also, I have done many things. Just this weekend I floated the river. Where was everyone else? Sitting at home playing video games I suppose. No one else was out there on the river....well, except several kayaking lesbians. Here are things I have done lately that I bet you haven't:

• Rode my bike
• Made spaghetti sauce
• Drove to Rifle
• Pondered the birds
• Wrote this blog
• Made a Podcast
• Ran
• Watched Planet Earth on a big screen
• Called a girl
• Played mini golf
• Watched a comedian on YouTube
• Ate out
• Watched movies
• I have traveled all over this town and know it like the bottom of my hand

That is only stuff I have done in the last few months. I realize there are not things like, military experience, sky diving, swimming with the dolphins, traveling to far away countries, saving children from burning buildings, etc. but come one, how many people really do those things? Not many. In real life, real experiences are more like "Playing mini golf".
So if life confuses you, ask me your question and I will draw on my vast experience and knowledge to give you a hypothetical rhetorical rebuttal to your musings. (See, I bet you don't even know what half those words are)

Donate to Help Inter-Galactic Life

There is a debate out there right now whether aliens are good or bad or whether there are both kinds. Some people believe they come bearing gifts (mainly of technology) some believe they are coming to harvest things from us (such as hormones). I can't believe in the former. It is too hard to picture these "little green men" from outter space landing in their little spaceship and popping the doors open and saying 'Look! we brought you the Apple Mac G15'. No way. They just look too evil to be that nice. Plus, what are the laser guns on their ship for? Be rational people.
No, I believe they have much nobler scientific pursuits in mind. If you think about it, we humans are composed of many many good substances that promote life and energy and certain types of combustion. As in a recent blog of mine we are also almost perfect incubators for their eggs. They use mind control to get us to do what they want, even to the point of writing favorably about them. So, think about your:

• hormones,
  
• your blood,
  
• your sweat,
  
• your tears,
  
• your digestives enzymes,
• your fecal matter
• urine
• saliva
• bacteria
• snot
• bile
• boogers
• aqueous fluid
• inter-organal fluid
• electrolytes
• swelling fluid when you're hurt
• gas
• flantabimal fluid
• burp
• spit
• loogy (not sure the scientific term)
• mucous
• etc.

and imagine how they could use these fluids. I mean, are you really using them anyway? Really. Their planet and life in general could be greatly improved. So think about how you can sacrifice and help them. I am willing to donate any and all fluids. Especially urine.
Think about it.