The Neighbor's Incorrigible Dog

He's about the size of our cat, that neighbor's dog with his hoarse non-intimidating bark. He's usually fenced in the backyard but somehow he manages to poop in my front yard. Sometimes there is deer poop in my back yard.
One day (I can't really remember if this is a dream or not) he came over and I saw him getting ready to crap. I opened the front door expecting him to bolt. But no, he was so sure he was right that he stayed there looking at me. I said to him, "C'mon-look, you've nearly covered my front yard in your fecal matter!" And he was like, "Look, I know you all hate me over here but I would like to believe you can look past your raw hatred. Maybe 'dislike' is a more accurate word? I mean, after all, it is only stool and is a part of nature. This shouldn't warrant all-out hatred -I mean, you and I could be friends. I believe you'd understand my point of view if you weren't so biased. Biased by your own use of toilets and your bipedal tendencies. You know, I really think you humans must think you're superior just because you can do arithmetic and what not. Arithmetic is not even that amazing-I mean, who really needs it when they grow up anyways?" He spoke in a weird sort of half-daze almost like he didn't really believe what he was saying or maybe he was bored of what he was saying. Then I realized this was all an elaborate distraction when I saw his pile of dookie.
OK, I'm pretty sure that was dream. But seriously do you follow his logic?

I'm Pretty Smart and Experienced

I was just thinking, and I realized that I'm pretty smart and I have done a lot of things. I'm actually one of the wiser and more experienced people on Earth. You might be wondering how I know this. It is a feeling I have. I just know. Like, I seem to know a lot about things that I don't hear other people ever talking about. For instance, I seem to see and understand that robots are growing in intelligence and numbers. A take over is imminent if we don't heed the warning signs.
Also, I have done many things. Just this weekend I floated the river. Where was everyone else? Sitting at home playing video games I suppose. No one else was out there on the river....well, except several kayaking lesbians. Here are things I have done lately that I bet you haven't:

• Rode my bike
• Made spaghetti sauce
• Drove to Rifle
• Pondered the birds
• Wrote this blog
• Made a Podcast
• Ran
• Watched Planet Earth on a big screen
• Called a girl
• Played mini golf
• Watched a comedian on YouTube
• Ate out
• Watched movies
• I have traveled all over this town and know it like the bottom of my hand

That is only stuff I have done in the last few months. I realize there are not things like, military experience, sky diving, swimming with the dolphins, traveling to far away countries, saving children from burning buildings, etc. but come one, how many people really do those things? Not many. In real life, real experiences are more like "Playing mini golf".
So if life confuses you, ask me your question and I will draw on my vast experience and knowledge to give you a hypothetical rhetorical rebuttal to your musings. (See, I bet you don't even know what half those words are)

Donate to Help Inter-Galactic Life

There is a debate out there right now whether aliens are good or bad or whether there are both kinds. Some people believe they come bearing gifts (mainly of technology) some believe they are coming to harvest things from us (such as hormones). I can't believe in the former. It is too hard to picture these "little green men" from outter space landing in their little spaceship and popping the doors open and saying 'Look! we brought you the Apple Mac G15'. No way. They just look too evil to be that nice. Plus, what are the laser guns on their ship for? Be rational people.
No, I believe they have much nobler scientific pursuits in mind. If you think about it, we humans are composed of many many good substances that promote life and energy and certain types of combustion. As in a recent blog of mine we are also almost perfect incubators for their eggs. They use mind control to get us to do what they want, even to the point of writing favorably about them. So, think about your:

• hormones,
  
• your blood,
  
• your sweat,
  
• your tears,
  
• your digestives enzymes,
• your fecal matter
• urine
• saliva
• bacteria
• snot
• bile
• boogers
• aqueous fluid
• inter-organal fluid
• electrolytes
• swelling fluid when you're hurt
• gas
• flantabimal fluid
• burp
• spit
• loogy (not sure the scientific term)
• mucous
• etc.

and imagine how they could use these fluids. I mean, are you really using them anyway? Really. Their planet and life in general could be greatly improved. So think about how you can sacrifice and help them. I am willing to donate any and all fluids. Especially urine.
Think about it.

The Amazingness of Google Earth

For those of you that don't know, there is an entire picture of the world from Space Sattellites (floating inventions by scientists) Everywhere has been photographed and you can go to Google Maps and type in where you are and see an above view of where you are.
The images can be several years old.
For this reason I have subjected myself to standing motionless, gazing skyward (or in this case sattlliteward) with a large grin on my face in my front yard for 3-5 hours a day during midday.
Surely the probability of being photographed by a Google Sattlleite is probable.

Please Please Lay Eggs in My Head

Today's blog is not really for humans to read (but if you do, that's cool.) This is addressed to you beings from other planets, greys, aliens, extra terrestrials, or some even call you "Little Green Men". Okay. I know you are out there. I have seen almost every episode of the X Files and therefore have a good knowledge of how you work, what you look like and your purposes. I want to first establish communication with you as peaceful. I mean you no harm and am really intrigued by your species. I am honored that you have chosen Earth to study and am even to the point of being quite envious of the humans you have contacted you might say I am "green with envy", ha ha, I'm the little green man! Ha ha (sorry, a little Earth humor there). Anyway, please know that I am more than willing to offer myself to your studies (as long as you don't kill me and please no anal probes)
I am aware that many of your people are looking for host bodies for your eggs. I am willing to let you ram your ovary depositor down my throat and lay your eggs in my chest, or maybe put them in my head. I know this may cause pain and erratic behavior on my behalf, but is for the good of the unification of our species. I would be honored. Please inform me as to all the physical effects and details of this surrogate process. How do you deposit the eggs in my head? How do you past my skull? Do you use a drill? Do you use anesthetics? Is the enough room in my head between brain and skull? If not you may discard portions of my brain that I don't use (or better yet graft them onto one of your fellow being's brain to enhance him) When the eggs hatch, do the babies (or pups?) chip their way through my skull? Or do they squirm above my cerebral cortex until until they find an open orifice through which to birth? This could be my eye, nose, ear or mouth opening. I'm sure I will have to take a sick day that day as anyone witinessing this may become nauseous and vomit or urinate themselves.
OK, thanks friends.
PS Let me know if there is paper work to fill out.
K, bye.

Shootin' Things

At JWU Industries, we like to stay well armed and practiced in our fire arms. It is in this way that our band stays free. We can and will fight for our right to be the kind of band we have become when we left England.

Area Man Overloads the Internet

by Yosh Anderson for the Monthly Waste
GRAND JUNCTION, CO - The World Wide Web was shut down for 2 hours last night at 2:49am as Internet Technicians worked furviously to remedy the problem. The problem? 34 year old Richard Drakeson is cited as the one man responsible for "filling up" the internet.
"I think I realized the problem as I had just finished uploading the Drakeson family photo archive on Photobucket after maxing out my accounts at Flickr, MySpace and Facebook. My computer slowed down and I thought it was just my internet connection. Then I proceeded to upload all 480 of my Blue Ray DVDs onto a private FTP as well every home video any Drakeson has ever made onto YouTube," Drakeson told the Press "Suddenly I got an error message reading 'Warning: The file being copied is too large for the World Wide Web. Please delete files and retry'. I thought that was preposterous, so I retried at which point my computer froze,"
Drakeson then called his personal computer tech who told him all of his clients had the same problem. It wasn't long before they began to realize the dilemma was affecting the entire Web.
"I've never seen anything like this. [Richard] had some damn big files he was uploading," commented Arron Doyle, Drakeson's personal computer technician.
Around 5am this morning a team of 500 technicians working over telephone line were able to get reserve servers up that used Beta Rogue software to find Drakeson's offending files and delete them.
"The largest file was what appeared to be roughly ten years of home videos, mostly of mistaken footage when someone didn't realize the camera was on," commented Mark Rigllhutz, a software technician working out of Silicon Valley "Once we got those videos off YouTube the internet began to fire up all over the world again,".
"I want to apologize to the world for crashing whole darn thing and well...Cokes are on me, everyone,"
-email Yosh at rawar777@yahoo.com