The Kitchbot is Here! *DANGER*

I am so excited. I was listening to Relevant Podcast today and they read the news article of a kitchen bot that looks like a giant refrigerator and moves around very slowly cleaning your kitchen. It moves slowly for quote "safety reasons" but I agree with the Relevant guys that it is to stop it from annihilating humans. I had a refrigerator threaten my life once and it traumatized me so I would be all for limiting what robots have the power to do. Like, I mean, they should be able to do our work for us, but say if they were using scissors, then we should only make their hands able to pick up rounded end scissors, you know? Or maybe if we needed their help with hunting, the gun that the robot uses would be a small caliber, like a .22 so if he decided to shoot you it would be less likely to kill you.

Atrocity

Charity spent weeks raising these sea monkeys and...and...well...just watch the video...

Maybe You've Hd This Happen

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...

Devolution

I'm probably not the first to think of this, but to steak my claim-I'm planning on writing a novel called The Theory of Devolution. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands...but I think a better inspiration would be a city somewhere. A city where humans have devolved the most. It would have to be a city where self and instant-gratification have run amok. I want the city where Jerry Springer is taped, the city with the most Wal Marts & McDonalds per capita, the city where people write reality TV shows and commercials. I want the city where, if you're not playing video games or creating them, then you're actively affiliated with a gang and spend your time snorting blow. A city where corruption is not a derogatory term, but a type of government. I think the city will be called Las HollyVegaswood.
I will go there and figure out how to live on well-fare and food-stamps and see if someone will put me up in their trailer house. I will live on a daily diet of Mountain Dew and chili cheese Fritos and own no less than 8 dogs and 5 cats. I also hope to have several "project" cars out in the front lawn. I will try hard to cease caring about anyone but myself-cause, hey-I'm a victim. A victim of society. It's my friend's fault for making smoking look cool. And it's TV's fault for making me buy more beer. It seems like too, that white males are being held back anymore these days. That's why I won't try to go to college. It's OK though, I got this email from a Nigerian guy who is going to give me like $50 million if I let him deposit his $100 million in my bank account so he can come to the USA. So it's cool scrow. Whycome you gotta be mad doggin' me like that?

Spring is in the Ear

Spring is in the air. You know I have really never understood this term. Why do we call this time of the year Spring? Probably has something to do with springs which indicates the invention of springs goes back pretty far. And I know if you push down on them, they fly into the air..... Or maybe someone meant "ear"...spring is in the ear. Have you ever got a spring in your ear? I have. Mostly on purpose. OK-go have fun in the spring. Bounce or something. I don't know...stop staring at me.

The Internet Told Me

The internet is quite an amazing thing. But really we shouldn't call it a "thing". I mean, after all, it has more combined knowledge than most people - therefore we should refer to it as a him or her. That's what I find freaky. Soon technology will be using that voice dial feature on your cell phone right on your computer. Then you can ask her (the internet) questions. "Hey Internet, how far is South Havana Motor company from here?" or "How come I've never heard of Brian Doerksen before?" and her CPU will automatically Google your question and she will tell you the answer. Somebody will ask you "Where is the 1st Lumbar Nerve?" and you will say "Hey Internet, where is the first Lumber Nerve?" and she will say "Somewhere in the forest," and you will tell your friend and they will be like "Dang, you're smart, how'd you know that?" and you'll be like "The Internet told me"
That's scary because then she will access her logic chip and she will think of EVERYTHING before you. How annoying. "Oh I need to email Mary and tell her I called Jaime," you will say. "No need," the Internet will say "I have already emailed Mary. I also noticed your refrigerator was low on the following items: Ketchup, Milk, Lettuce, Juice and Cheese. I have placed an order to Wal Mart.com and the items will be delivered Friday at 10am. Also, you're carpet was beginning to be high in dirt content, so I ordered your vacuum-bot to clean the carpet."
"Wow, internet, I love you. Good night, sleep good."

We Can Fight the Invasion!

So I just read the news about the US shooting down its own spy satellite. Now, I'm not one of those goofy hair-brained conspiracy theorists, but this event smells to high heavens of a conspiracy. First of all, how the hell does our technologically advanced government lose control of several million dollar top secret satellite? Second of all, if they did why can't they send a bomb to first attach itself and THEN detonate? Or a robot to dismantle it or just fly it back to earth? Oh wait-I just got a word from or producer-the satellite's tape deck got stock playing White Lion on a continuous loop and was broadcasting it to every radio station on earth. Apparently Japan was the only country that didn't vote to blow it up.
So there was definitely a conspiracy going on. I used my brain power and inductive reasoning to realize that this satellite was being used to make Elmo dolls say "Kill James" or "Kill ___" whomever. Think of it! Using Elmo dolls to tell kids to kill whomever needed to die. Using this satellite they built an army of kids to do their bidding. This is definitely the best way to defeat the Illumanati of Reptillian and Chicken people. (I say chicken, but they could just as much be goose, turkey or any type of bird as noted by their "goosebumps" on their skin-especially when they are cold)
You Grand Junctionites know one of their prominent people as well as I do-we call him "Bird Man" and he is often seen on Grand Ave. throwing bird seed out to his less evolved people. I have been hoping for our police or someone to monitor him, but it looks like I will need to do it myself. It won't take long for him to lead us to the Turkey People's secret lair here in Junction (the main one being under DIA in Denver).
I'm willin' to betcha it's under the Alpine Bank. They like to use conspicuous buildings because the best place to hide something is in plain site. Also I have heard a "turkey gobble" once when walking by the Alpine Bank. Keep your ears open for this. Also look out for triangle shaped objects flying in the sky, particularly around that bank.

Ways to Thwart the Turkey People

• Eat chicken noodle soup
• Bath in broth
• Wear "hush puppies" in order to sneak up on them
• Identify them and mark them so we all know who they are (post it notes work well)
• Pay attention to people who spend too much time in the bird isle at the pet store
• Sometime if you make the sound of a prop plane around them it will scare them
• Keep the heat low in your house - the colder the better so as to remind them of a feezer
• Celebrate Thanksgiving-they HATE this day as we gather with families and eat their people
• Support the airlines (this pisses off the bird people because humans have learned to fly)
• Get a cat as a pet (they love to eat birds)