Freakin Super Banana

Is it just me, or have you guys noticed the abnormally large produce at Wal Mart?

• Tomatoes the size of softballs.
  
• Onions the size of um...softballs.
  
• Huge apples
  
• and oranges
• Pumpkins
• Potatoes
• Celery sticks as big as...softballs
• Even their non-produce is huge, like the meat and even the paper-towel rolls
• Strawberries as big as meteorites
  

I believe they are pumping them full of hormones to make them look more desirable on the shelf. They are chemically doing things to make their color brighter because they are picking them before they are ripe. I kind of think this Gigantor Food is disgusting, but I eat it nevertheless. Today for instance, I was eating a banana and it was a powerful banana. its skin nearly impenetrable. I grabbed the opener tab and pulled like usual but the babana would not open. I yanked on that sucker and instead of ripping open I was just turning the insides into mush.
Oh well, look at the bright side. If these hormones are causing the fruit to become "Super", they probably are doing the same for us. I've noticed I don't have anymore symptoms of puberty (we can argue whether this is due to my age -28-or the Wal MArt produce) I have heard parents saying their kids are growing up much faster these days. See? How bad can these hormones be? Maybe since my bananana had tough skin, by eating it I will too. Then you can level all your insults at me and nothing will hurt me.

2008 Resolutions

Well....I've decided since you're not reading this I might as well get personal and post my new year's resolutions. There are quite a few as I was a screw up this year:

I resolve to:

1. To become a better listener (to aide in this I will buy hearing aides. I know I don't need them, but they will aide me)

2. To get stronger bodywise. I will carry large pails of water up long flights of stairs. I will pick up heavy things whenever I think about it (for instance, if I'm standing by the fridge I will do some reps by lifting it off the floor-maybe...I might not be able to because it is extremely heavy) I will do door-frame chin-ups. I will do jumping jacks while waiting for things (in the elevator or in line at the post office)

3. To get stronger brainwise. I will read while doing jumping jacks. I will read whatever I can, newspapers, dictionary, encyclopedias, Bibles, magazines, phonebooks, travel brochures, billboards, license plates, informational signs (IN, OUT, MEN, WOMEN, STOP, YEILD), the CNN ticker, the internet, mass mailings, reader boards, credit card applications, dossiers, milk cartons, text messages and receipts. Oh and a book.

4. I will laugh more. This will include seeing more comedies as well as "laugh inducing"-such things as tickling myself, telling myself jokes, forcing myself to laugh at nothing, witnessing sight gags, looking for misspelled reader boards, observing people do stupid things like slipping on ice and cracking their head, putting a rubber band around a dog's snout and watch him try to get it off, stare at people, inhale Nitrous Oxide, etc.

5. I will be nicer to people. I will let people into my lane in traffic, even if they don't wave "thank you". Help an old lady across the street. Sell boyscout cookies (or girl if they're out). I will do a kid's homework and try to get a good grade. I will shovel the snow of one person's driveway for a maximum of $10. I will give the hobo's money for beer.

6. I will try to cook something new next year. Maybe a Kish Cake. Or I wonder what it will taste like to bake stawberries.

7. I will take time out to write "that novel". It will probably be an autobiography about my own life. It will start out when I was born and how I grew into a young boy. I liked to dig holes in the back yard, yada yada. I will write every chance I am not doing jumping jacks or reading. This means lap top everywhere! If you see me with my lap top don't bother me as I am writing my novel. Unless you can remind me of something that happened to me in my life. Then come on over and tell me.

8. I WILL travel more. I will plan trips to places I have never been such as South Carolina, Asia, the Eifle Tower (the one in Paris), Huntertown Indiana, the moon (if I can score a ride), 39°34′29″N, 75°35′37″W, The Savings Bank Museum in Southwest Scotland.

9. Have more dreams. This may be hard to make happen but maybe eating pizza at midnight will help. I will study R.E.M. sleep and how to make it happen. I hope to have fun flying dreams.

10. Become famous. I don't know what this looks like as 2008 is still weeks away, but I will either be an up and coming actor in Hollywood, a rising Rock Star in a band called Tweep, a famous neuro-sugeon or possbibly the inventor of something. Or maybe I will just shoot for the Ginus Book of World Records-maybe world's coolest made up accent? I don't we'll see. Well, I'm out, but I will see you 2008! Until then, let's make peace here in 2007! Peace out!

"Elsie, how the hell did you get up there?"

A "To Do" List

Just by browsing some random blogs I have come to realize the "proper" thing to blog about is either politics or tracking your weight loss for the world to see. I'm sorry, I cannot bring myself to blog about these things. Who on the planet Earth gives a rat's ass about your how many pounds you've lost this week? OK, OK, I realize the things I write about aren't very interesting either and thus the title of this blog. But at least I am captivated by what I write and at least I can at times laugh my ass off at the things written by Yosh. OK now I sound semi-arrogant. I'm not though. I actually have little of myself inside myself and so I am not "full" of myself. Anyway, here's what I need to do:

To do:
1. Stop writing stupid blogs.
2. Read a book.
3. Eat a banana.
4. Drive.
5. Learn more Spanish.
6. Drink some wine and eat crackers with cheese.
7. Do "lunges".
8. Wash the dishes and put them away (make sure the counter top is clean)
9. Write stupid blogs.
10. Buy some bullets.
11. Call a hotline.
12. Roast peppers.
13. Learn a magic trick.
14. Slap someone in the face.
15. Draw Rob Zombie on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.
16. Lick something rusty.
17. Jump off of something high (& hold nose as if in water)
18. Sleep on the wall.
19. Try to understand quantum physics.
20. Aerate the lawn.
21. Smell an aboitoire
22. Harvest mice eggs.
23. Play basket ball after drinking wine.
24. Skitch like we did last summer.
25. Help the FBI exhume a body.
26. Wonder about things and then write about it.
27. Make rice fillets.
28. Learn a new hobby (probably building model cars)
29. Chryogenically freeze a body part for use later in life (probably my left hand as I am using my right)
30. Burn fire. (I will need to invent this)
31. Try to excerpt energy from leftover pig.
32. Turn off the lights more to conserve energy for future humans.
33. Build a car that runs off of cow methane.
34. Visit Roswell. (Keep senses alert for any "strange" activity)
35. Base jump the Hoover Damn.

Myoria

"What is a 'Round To It'?" he asked scratching the side of his head characteristically. Roy had thick curly black hair and always had a comb or pencil or some object lodged in in it.
"Well it doesn't matter what I think," answered Cody. "I know that that no matter what I think, you won't even begin to use what advice I give you,"
"I'm getting dizzy, can we maybe just...I don't know, can I pass?" Roy said standing up and walking out the front door.
"Where's he going?" asked Ashley.
"He does that all the time," came Charlie's voice. "He needs to go for a walk," Charlie pulled off the motorcycle helmet he was wearing. "Man this thing is tight,"
Roy suddenly realized he didn't know what neighborhood he was in, yet his sense of mission drove him passed the houses across the street and into a pasture. In his confusion he didn't much feel the cool of the night. A half hour passed and he came upon a brook flowing through a thickening forest.
He sat on a log and pulled his head off. He let it float into the air and watched his body sitting on the log as the distance grew. He felt elated. What will the others think? he wondered.
Meanwhile Charlie realized he was alone. Ashley and Cody had been merely a pillow and a sack of Idaho Potatoes respectively. He felt cheated and his mind reeled to pin who was responsible. It was Roy! He had known for years now that it was Roy. Roy was the one responsible for Charlie's car melting.
One day Charlie had meeting to be at and he was running late. When he opened the garage door, to his horror, his car was a puddle. He had to ride his bike to his meeting with S.C.L.O.R.
"DIE DIE DIE," Ben yelped at him.

Boneless Skinless Things

Today I was eating a carrot and I bit into the bone-ouch! How annoying that is! I think I chipped a little piece of the bone cause I spit it out. I guess I'll go back to buying skinless boneless carrots. Even though carrot skin is OK to eat, much like chicken skin. OH!! You know what? They make bonesless chicken! I don't know how you would do that-do you? But it would be nice. I think the life of the chicken would be hard though....well, maybe not. It might be really fun, he would be stretchy and be able to slurk under doorways and probably fit through that pesky chicken wire. Wouldn't that be freaky to be sitting there at he kitchen table enjoying some lemonade?
...what?.....oh, I mean freaky if you all the sudden saw a hungry chicken slurk under the doorway! AHH! that scared me just thinking about it. Think about how his eyes would look, kind of like a flounder. With nothing but his skin holding him together he'd be amorphous. Well, unless he was boneless skinless chicken. Then he (I actually have been meaning she because he chickens are roosters and we don't eat rooster...do we?) would be a pile of uncooked white chicken meat. Shoot, I forgot about the feathers. Well-PILLOWS! Gee chickens are useful. But anyway, carrots are better boneless.

Charity's Church Mouse

There's a mouse creature in our copier. Charity saw him first; she saw him scurry across the room and then we couldn't find him. Next day: Harmony was pulling out a jam and spraying parts off with canned air when we heard her scream bloody murder. The mouse was right there on the fuser. Before she could grab him by the tail and scarf him down (I'm sure she would have if she was quick enough) he jumped back into the machine.

The Mouse in the Machine by Josh Anderson
I pulled out every drawer of the copier and opened every door. I couldn't figure out where he went. He is still in there....living. One day his going to get caught in the wheels and there will be a bloody mess and color copiers of a SMASHED bloody mouse. Hmmm, I'm hungry for cheese.
Charity's own account

When Do I Get to Be a Robot?

That ole' Toby Robot...yessiree....he is cool. Calm. Collected. He never gets overly involved. I like him...he's kind of my role model. I'm tired of being soft flesh. I'm tired of caring. When do I get to be a Robot? This is how I will look. I will be called P198-FJ007Z and you won't be able to hurt me.