Saturday, February 8, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Area Man's Lucky Shirt Compels Seahawks to Win Super Bowl
Matt Roberts has been a Seahawks fan for as long as he can remember, and now Seattle's NFL representation, as well as the world's Seahwaks fans, should get to know Matt. Why? Matt claims to be the reason for the big win over the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII on Sunday, February 2, 2014.
"I knew it, I knew it I knew it! It was this jersey," exclaimed Matt as he pointed to his #12 jersey. The "12" represents Seattle's "12th Man", which refers to the fans who's cheering through the 2013/14 season was measured to be the loudest in the NFL.
"I mean, if you think it about it, we the fans are already considered part of the team...you know the 12th man," he said. It is noted that crowd noise can sufficiently disrupt an opponent and is part of the advantage of playing at home.
"I have all kinds of 'Hawks t-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, jackets, pants, shoes...but I have noticed this season that when I wear my 12th man shirt, we win! Well...maybe not always...sometimes we just make big plays when I have the shirt on!" Roberts explained excitedly.
When asked if he actually believed his shirt had to do with the Super Bowl blowout, Matt said "Absolutely. Yeah, its my shirt and I will be wearing it all next season...probably everyday!"
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
An Open Letter to William P. Doughenbough
Dear Willy,
Long time no talk! I was going through some old photos and saw you in the background that one time we camping at Bear Lake and Rob got stupid drunk & put that squirrel suit on was jumping in the fire! Hahaha...he still has 3rd degree burns. Remember you & me was tryin' to get the suit off but it just melted to his skin! HA!
Well anyway, how ya been? Still in New Mexico? Did you ever find that midget woman that ran off with your briefcase in Las Vegas after the National Clown Convention?
Things are good here. I'm still trying for the "thing" we talked about, haha. Another few paychecks & I'll be able to get enough gasoline, rope and bologna. However I will probably need to take a loan out for the bus and all the bubble wrap we're gonna need. Did I tell you? Yeah we're probably gonna have to get 2 tons of bubble wrap and bologna.
Well, write me back when you can. I know they don't give you much break time in the dog food industry, but maybe one night when you're not at Bula's Big Beautiful Brothel or whatever that bar is, you can write back!
~Yosh
Long time no talk! I was going through some old photos and saw you in the background that one time we camping at Bear Lake and Rob got stupid drunk & put that squirrel suit on was jumping in the fire! Hahaha...he still has 3rd degree burns. Remember you & me was tryin' to get the suit off but it just melted to his skin! HA!
Well anyway, how ya been? Still in New Mexico? Did you ever find that midget woman that ran off with your briefcase in Las Vegas after the National Clown Convention?
Things are good here. I'm still trying for the "thing" we talked about, haha. Another few paychecks & I'll be able to get enough gasoline, rope and bologna. However I will probably need to take a loan out for the bus and all the bubble wrap we're gonna need. Did I tell you? Yeah we're probably gonna have to get 2 tons of bubble wrap and bologna.
Well, write me back when you can. I know they don't give you much break time in the dog food industry, but maybe one night when you're not at Bula's Big Beautiful Brothel or whatever that bar is, you can write back!
~Yosh
Friday, April 5, 2013
News Points this April 5th Day of 2013
Children with RSV urged to add a "P"
Kids suffering with this respiratory tract infection are said to feel much better if they would just "répondez s'il vous plaît" "Please Respond" to an invitation.
Gun Control Bills in Congress
Lawmakers are trying to get stricter gun control measures set in place. It's not clear what proponents of gun control expect these measures to accomplish in deterring gun violence. Perhaps some sort of "Cruise Control" mechanism that helps an inanimate object decide when a gun is being used improperly?
North Korea Suffers from "Napoleon Syndrome"
Taking from his father's genes, Kim Jong Un has exhibited behaviors of men suffering from "Napoleon" or "Little Man" Syndrome. The psychological state refers to men, small in stature, trying to compensate for their smallness by acting in overly aggressive ways and making threats on much larger men they feel threatened by.
Recent statements by the North Korean government show a leader that feels threatened by his severe military inferiority trying to compensate by making threats to a country who, in response, could accidentally leave the North Korean nation a smoldering pile of debris.
Residents of Baghdad, Iraq have been seen making a "No no no, what the hell are you doing?" gesture toward North Korea.
When the U.S. was asked if they are concerned with North Korea's threats, their response after a second of preoccupation with Afghanistan was "North Who? Oh, yeah yeah, them. Um...tell him I'm in a meeting & will get back to him when I can. For now tell her I have enough thin mints, thank you very much."
Kids suffering with this respiratory tract infection are said to feel much better if they would just "répondez s'il vous plaît" "Please Respond" to an invitation.
Gun Control Bills in Congress
Lawmakers are trying to get stricter gun control measures set in place. It's not clear what proponents of gun control expect these measures to accomplish in deterring gun violence. Perhaps some sort of "Cruise Control" mechanism that helps an inanimate object decide when a gun is being used improperly?
North Korea Suffers from "Napoleon Syndrome"
Taking from his father's genes, Kim Jong Un has exhibited behaviors of men suffering from "Napoleon" or "Little Man" Syndrome. The psychological state refers to men, small in stature, trying to compensate for their smallness by acting in overly aggressive ways and making threats on much larger men they feel threatened by.
Recent statements by the North Korean government show a leader that feels threatened by his severe military inferiority trying to compensate by making threats to a country who, in response, could accidentally leave the North Korean nation a smoldering pile of debris.
Residents of Baghdad, Iraq have been seen making a "No no no, what the hell are you doing?" gesture toward North Korea.
When the U.S. was asked if they are concerned with North Korea's threats, their response after a second of preoccupation with Afghanistan was "North Who? Oh, yeah yeah, them. Um...tell him I'm in a meeting & will get back to him when I can. For now tell her I have enough thin mints, thank you very much."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
22 Things of Successful People
1. Eat folic acid.
Successful people eat lots of B9 to repair DNA. Broken DNA = cancer. If it tastes bad, eat with a spoonful of sugar.
2. Organize your sock drawer.
It's called Feng Shui, look it up. Having dress socks invade the space of athletic socks will make your brain feel "off" all day.
3. Run with scissors.
That's right I said it. This dangerous situation will elevate adrenaline levels & make you feel unstoppable.
4. Don't do drugs.
It's been proven that drugs like crack cocaine, heroine, meth, tylenol and pot cause things to happen in the brain leading to a life in the ghetto and using robbery to gain things and money.
5. Masticate.
Your stomach will thank you for thoroughly chewed food.
6. Don't let go.
I heard this in a Weezer song. If someone has made you mad, there's a reason for it & you won't feel closure until you've gotten revenge.
7. Compliment people.
Especially people that are ugly or stupid. It will be hard but find something to compliment. Maybe the way they look- OK then you'd be lying. Don't lie. Maybe tell them they worded that last phrase nicely...well, I don't know...stop looking at me.
8. Always look at the bright side of life.
Monty Python told us this and you know, he was right. After I totaled my Honda in a horrific accident one year, I immediately thought "That fool's insurance just bought me a new truck! Woo hoo!"
9. Umm... well OK, just 9 things....
Successful people eat lots of B9 to repair DNA. Broken DNA = cancer. If it tastes bad, eat with a spoonful of sugar.
2. Organize your sock drawer.
It's called Feng Shui, look it up. Having dress socks invade the space of athletic socks will make your brain feel "off" all day.
3. Run with scissors.
That's right I said it. This dangerous situation will elevate adrenaline levels & make you feel unstoppable.
4. Don't do drugs.
It's been proven that drugs like crack cocaine, heroine, meth, tylenol and pot cause things to happen in the brain leading to a life in the ghetto and using robbery to gain things and money.
5. Masticate.
Your stomach will thank you for thoroughly chewed food.
6. Don't let go.
I heard this in a Weezer song. If someone has made you mad, there's a reason for it & you won't feel closure until you've gotten revenge.
7. Compliment people.
Especially people that are ugly or stupid. It will be hard but find something to compliment. Maybe the way they look- OK then you'd be lying. Don't lie. Maybe tell them they worded that last phrase nicely...well, I don't know...stop looking at me.
8. Always look at the bright side of life.
Monty Python told us this and you know, he was right. After I totaled my Honda in a horrific accident one year, I immediately thought "That fool's insurance just bought me a new truck! Woo hoo!"
9. Umm... well OK, just 9 things....
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Talking to Inanimate Objects
This one was a bit too nasty for the Facebook world, so it's a treat for all you NORYB readers! Enjoy & share!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Two Party System is Flawed
I'm not schooled enough to know how the two distinct parties formed, but anyone can tell that today there is an unprecedented divergence the two main parties. The biggest flaw is how much they have become opposed to each other.
The different parties are best described as "Birthday Party" and "Alcohol Party". In the former party these other such parties fit: "Pajama Parties", "Kid's Parties", etc. In the latter we have "Dance Parties" & "House Parties".
The flaw becomes apparent when you say to your parents "I'm going to a party tonight" and they look at you with consternation. You must clarify "Oh! I meant, a birthday party!" Suddenly their minds are filled with images of cakes, candles & jovial friends. The other kind of party could be nothing but immorality: drugs, alcohol abuse, broken furniture, vomit, gangsta rap and/or sex.
The different parties are best described as "Birthday Party" and "Alcohol Party". In the former party these other such parties fit: "Pajama Parties", "Kid's Parties", etc. In the latter we have "Dance Parties" & "House Parties".
The flaw becomes apparent when you say to your parents "I'm going to a party tonight" and they look at you with consternation. You must clarify "Oh! I meant, a birthday party!" Suddenly their minds are filled with images of cakes, candles & jovial friends. The other kind of party could be nothing but immorality: drugs, alcohol abuse, broken furniture, vomit, gangsta rap and/or sex.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Guns
Guns. I have them and I'm afraid to admit it. Why? Because although the CONSTITUTION (A book of light suggestions from a group of people who had some minor part in forming the USA or something) says we have a right to bare arms, I'm afraid that even writing this post has flagged me in an FBI database as having arms!
Like many Americans I have at least 2. They are both VERY powerful and capable of lots of damage and yes, even death! (Even though they aren't labeled "Assault Weapons") The key, though is using them ONLY in self defense or maybe sport. Also key is knowing how to correctly use them.
I dread the day when the gov't will crack down once again, this time on ALL arms, and come to take MY guns. It's about rights, people. Rights and FREEDOM.
So from now on I'm going to be a little quieter about my arms. No more gun shows (Sorry ladies). I don't know what the big deal is between just having arms and baring arms? But yes, from time to time I have gone around with a sleeveless shirt and exercised my right to bare arms. Suck it, fascist government!
Like many Americans I have at least 2. They are both VERY powerful and capable of lots of damage and yes, even death! (Even though they aren't labeled "Assault Weapons") The key, though is using them ONLY in self defense or maybe sport. Also key is knowing how to correctly use them.
I dread the day when the gov't will crack down once again, this time on ALL arms, and come to take MY guns. It's about rights, people. Rights and FREEDOM.
So from now on I'm going to be a little quieter about my arms. No more gun shows (Sorry ladies). I don't know what the big deal is between just having arms and baring arms? But yes, from time to time I have gone around with a sleeveless shirt and exercised my right to bare arms. Suck it, fascist government!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The Puppy Room
Have you heard of this new thing going on? You have now! It's catching on from what I hear. I just sort of perused that article but from what I gather a school will have a designated room full of puppies. I imagine that puppies will need to pass a certain aptitude test to qualify. This would obviously include:
• age (probably not more than a few months old)
• softness
• niceness
• cuddle-ability
• cuteness
Puppies will need to be happy and lovable. I guess one just enters the room and sort of "dives in" to the "pool" of puppies? I presume there will then be puppies licking & nuzzling people? There will probably need to be rules as to how deep the puppies can be piled? Rules about not taking the puppies with you when you leave?
Well on any account the idea sounds...uh...soft?
• age (probably not more than a few months old)
• softness
• niceness
• cuddle-ability
• cuteness
Puppies will need to be happy and lovable. I guess one just enters the room and sort of "dives in" to the "pool" of puppies? I presume there will then be puppies licking & nuzzling people? There will probably need to be rules as to how deep the puppies can be piled? Rules about not taking the puppies with you when you leave?
Well on any account the idea sounds...uh...soft?
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Fiscal Cliff, Isn't it Just Math?
The most prominent thing in political news directly following the re-election of Barak Obama is "The Fiscal Cliff". I'm no accountant or economist or whatever and so I don't really understand it, I just know it has to do with our country going back into the dust bowl if we don't figure something out.
Here's what I don't understand: Out of 300 million people living in the US, don't we have anyone smart enough to figure something out? I mean, it seems like all we need is a mathmagician, right? Out of 300 billion people, aren't there probably like a trillion or so people who know math inside out & upside down? Out of those million people there's got to be at least 20 million mathmagicians out there who could maybe go into a college lecture hall with one of those 30 foot high chalk boards and work out an equation to save us all.
Here's what I do understand: Debt (pronounced Det), is where you have negative money. This is where things get fuzzy, cause I don't really get how you can have less than zero of anything although I am currently there with my mortgage. So right now the US has minus some trillion dollars. And I do understand that a trillion is a really, really, really big....like hmm...take a footlong hotdog....no...something longer like... a snake....and ..no, a giraffe neck....and like you have a mil- no, a hundred thousand of those.... well actually probably it's more like every grain of sand on every beach you've ever seen. OK and so we have to figure a way to cut down (& eventually eliminate, hahahahaha, huh....eliminate this debt). All I know is it will take something DRASTIC! And that is why I employ the mathmagicians of the US to help save us!
Here's what I don't understand: Out of 300 million people living in the US, don't we have anyone smart enough to figure something out? I mean, it seems like all we need is a mathmagician, right? Out of 300 billion people, aren't there probably like a trillion or so people who know math inside out & upside down? Out of those million people there's got to be at least 20 million mathmagicians out there who could maybe go into a college lecture hall with one of those 30 foot high chalk boards and work out an equation to save us all.
Here's what I do understand: Debt (pronounced Det), is where you have negative money. This is where things get fuzzy, cause I don't really get how you can have less than zero of anything although I am currently there with my mortgage. So right now the US has minus some trillion dollars. And I do understand that a trillion is a really, really, really big....like hmm...take a footlong hotdog....no...something longer like... a snake....and ..no, a giraffe neck....and like you have a mil- no, a hundred thousand of those.... well actually probably it's more like every grain of sand on every beach you've ever seen. OK and so we have to figure a way to cut down (& eventually eliminate, hahahahaha, huh....eliminate this debt). All I know is it will take something DRASTIC! And that is why I employ the mathmagicians of the US to help save us!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Diagnosis of RSO
Had a routine check up at the doctor the other day. He ended up diagnosing what's been causing a number of my aches & pains, restlessness, faux British accent, and a leftward tendency in gait. X Rays revealed a condition he called "Roto-skeletal Orthopediaitis" or RSO. RSO effects 1 out of every 7 billion people. He said, to put it in simple terms my entire skeleton is sideways in compared with my body. (I think this what he was saying). Sure enough though, I have realized many details that coincide with his diagnosis:
• Contrarian thoughts and opinions.
• Having trouble sipping coffee without it dribbling down my lip.
• Running in circles to the left (mostly on the track around the football field)
• Sitting at my desk in a "C" position.
• Listening to obscure electronica on Pandora all day.
• Minor sleep apnea
• Excessive daydreaming
• Random burst of laughter not involving what you'd generally perceive as "funny".
• Delusions of grandeur in ways only grandiose to me.
• Laundry
Luckily he said there is a drug I can get down at the Pharmacy called "Pluhseebough" (that's probably not how you spell it). He also showed me some stretches I can do to try & correct my skeletal misplacement. One involves gripping a secure structure near me and turning really hard. Thanks for reading, friends! I should be doing OK in a month or two!
Would love your prayers & encouragement in my time of healing!
• Contrarian thoughts and opinions.
• Having trouble sipping coffee without it dribbling down my lip.
• Running in circles to the left (mostly on the track around the football field)
• Sitting at my desk in a "C" position.
• Listening to obscure electronica on Pandora all day.
• Minor sleep apnea
• Excessive daydreaming
• Random burst of laughter not involving what you'd generally perceive as "funny".
• Delusions of grandeur in ways only grandiose to me.
• Laundry
Luckily he said there is a drug I can get down at the Pharmacy called "Pluhseebough" (that's probably not how you spell it). He also showed me some stretches I can do to try & correct my skeletal misplacement. One involves gripping a secure structure near me and turning really hard. Thanks for reading, friends! I should be doing OK in a month or two!
Would love your prayers & encouragement in my time of healing!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Discussion on the News Lately 8-17-12
Well hello everyone. It's been a while since I last wrote...it was March...that's...um....well i don't want to do the math. It's been several months. A few important things have happened lately that need to be discussed:
1.) Wildfires in Colorado. Are you for or against? Let's be civil in our discussion, OK? I just want to go ahead & put it out there: I'm against them. Yes, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
2.) Chik-Fil-A. This has been one of the hottest debates in recent history & has "blown up" on Facebook walls. I haven't really looked into the debate, but seriously what can people have against Chicken? If it's animal cruelty, well even the cows are telling us to eat there. I'm for Chik Fil A. We have too many burger joints & KFC needs some competition.
3.) Barak vs Mitt. *sigh*. I hate politics.
4.) Shootings in Aurora. OK, double yoo, tee, eff? This is SUCH a sad tragedy!! I keep thinking about the events that happened that day & what deviations in that day could/would have stopped James Holms? Like what if on his way to the theater he saw a puppy & decided life was precious & had a change of mind? Of course for someone as demented as him he probably would have shot the puppy. But maybe that would have satisfied his need to kill? Maybe that puppy could have saved 12 lives? An animal sacrifice if you will. Poor puppy.
Anyway, so I guess his apartment was booby trapped? What's up with that? The killer didn't want any burglars breaking in? How come none of his booby trappery backfired on him? Come on Fate, help us out! I mean, I'm a law abiding trustworthy citizen & some mornings before I have coffee I can't make it through a door without plastering my face on the glass & leaving half the crap I was supposed to take with me that day. Why couldn't Holms have woke up groggy one day & set off one of his bombs & "taken care of himself". Know what I mean?
I understand home security though. I don't want any emm effers breaking into my house. I have some standard security precautions set up. But just today I was thinking of some more "out of the box" security features. Like what if someone broke in & instead of seeing all the stuff they wanted to steal, they were just confused? Like what if the first thing they saw was another wall. & then there was peanut butter on the floor? They would go around the wall & see a little machine in the center of the room just working, you know like doing stuff, but who knows what this machine is? From another room there'd be like a soft "mooing" sound. Then they'd try to take the TV but when they pulled it off the stand it's be tied down underneath with half a mile of dental floss. If they stepped in the right place a hatch would open & dump a bucket of salami & baloney on their head. Finally they'd just be like "this guy a effed in the head! man let's get outta here!"
1.) Wildfires in Colorado. Are you for or against? Let's be civil in our discussion, OK? I just want to go ahead & put it out there: I'm against them. Yes, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
2.) Chik-Fil-A. This has been one of the hottest debates in recent history & has "blown up" on Facebook walls. I haven't really looked into the debate, but seriously what can people have against Chicken? If it's animal cruelty, well even the cows are telling us to eat there. I'm for Chik Fil A. We have too many burger joints & KFC needs some competition.
3.) Barak vs Mitt. *sigh*. I hate politics.
4.) Shootings in Aurora. OK, double yoo, tee, eff? This is SUCH a sad tragedy!! I keep thinking about the events that happened that day & what deviations in that day could/would have stopped James Holms? Like what if on his way to the theater he saw a puppy & decided life was precious & had a change of mind? Of course for someone as demented as him he probably would have shot the puppy. But maybe that would have satisfied his need to kill? Maybe that puppy could have saved 12 lives? An animal sacrifice if you will. Poor puppy.
Anyway, so I guess his apartment was booby trapped? What's up with that? The killer didn't want any burglars breaking in? How come none of his booby trappery backfired on him? Come on Fate, help us out! I mean, I'm a law abiding trustworthy citizen & some mornings before I have coffee I can't make it through a door without plastering my face on the glass & leaving half the crap I was supposed to take with me that day. Why couldn't Holms have woke up groggy one day & set off one of his bombs & "taken care of himself". Know what I mean?
I understand home security though. I don't want any emm effers breaking into my house. I have some standard security precautions set up. But just today I was thinking of some more "out of the box" security features. Like what if someone broke in & instead of seeing all the stuff they wanted to steal, they were just confused? Like what if the first thing they saw was another wall. & then there was peanut butter on the floor? They would go around the wall & see a little machine in the center of the room just working, you know like doing stuff, but who knows what this machine is? From another room there'd be like a soft "mooing" sound. Then they'd try to take the TV but when they pulled it off the stand it's be tied down underneath with half a mile of dental floss. If they stepped in the right place a hatch would open & dump a bucket of salami & baloney on their head. Finally they'd just be like "this guy a effed in the head! man let's get outta here!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Having Children, Stupid Children
I got to thinking I am a little reticent about having kids and so I tried to come up with why. I think my biggest fear is: What if I have a stupid child? No, I don't mean a mentally handicapped kid, I mean, just a stupid kid.
Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn't take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like "Dad, I don't want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar") What if he's lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you're staring at him, he just turns around & gives you "stank eye"? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won't clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he's always farting in public?
I wouldn't hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can't make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he's in middle school? What if he only does band in school & doesn't go out for any sports?
You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.
Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn't take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like "Dad, I don't want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar") What if he's lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you're staring at him, he just turns around & gives you "stank eye"? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won't clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he's always farting in public?
I wouldn't hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can't make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he's in middle school? What if he only does band in school & doesn't go out for any sports?
You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.
A Workout We All Have Time For
Today's blog will turn your life around 360 degrees! Every one of us wants to become more buff, more ripped - am I right? Also, all of us have a hard time making time for Gym time, right? Well, I have figured ways to become buff doing everyday things:
Opening doors: do not use your weight to pull open a door, stand firm & use your muscles & pull it like a repetition on a weight machine.
Sitting in your office chair: clench you buttocks throughout the day for a toned butt.
Drinking coffee: bring the cup up to your face intensely as you would do a curl.
Walking around the office: walk hard. Walk with a purpose & run from one area of your workplace to another when possible.
Blowing your nose: blow hard using full lung capacity.
I am working on more ideas for a more complete workout, stay tuned!
Opening doors: do not use your weight to pull open a door, stand firm & use your muscles & pull it like a repetition on a weight machine.
Sitting in your office chair: clench you buttocks throughout the day for a toned butt.
Drinking coffee: bring the cup up to your face intensely as you would do a curl.
Walking around the office: walk hard. Walk with a purpose & run from one area of your workplace to another when possible.
Blowing your nose: blow hard using full lung capacity.
I am working on more ideas for a more complete workout, stay tuned!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap Day Extra Time
Happy Leap Day! Today is a magical sort of time when there are extra hours in the year! A whole 24 hours of spare time!
I've decided not to go to work as it will not matter! Instead I am using this time for things I always want to do but don't have the time!
Here's 24 things I hope to do with my spare hours:
I've decided not to go to work as it will not matter! Instead I am using this time for things I always want to do but don't have the time!
Here's 24 things I hope to do with my spare hours:
- Be a "shock jock"
- Be a well known local musician
- Run a half marathon
- Learn to speak Chinese
- Read a classic novel like maybe the Harry Potter series
- Be a CIA agent
- Make my movie "Motorcycle Cowboys"
- Visit war torn Syria as a Western Journalist
- Kill a Unicorn
- Run with the bulls
- Be a Navy SEAL
- Eat monkey brains
- Be an NFL quarterback
- Be an NYC firefighter
- Be a cop (preferably a robo-cop)
- Hang out with the Ninja Turtles & eat pizza!!
- Write a novel about a nerdy kid name Nestor who becomes ripped & then goes back & destroys everyone who made fun of him in high school. At the end he has a moral crisis of whether he should use his powers for good or evil.
- Learn science
- Survive in a remote area with nothing but a "bowie knife"
- Go to space
- Invent na "i"Something that will outsell Apple & Microsoft combined & then use the money to buy Google & Facebook
- Hang out with friends & watch a movie
- Learn to surf
- Start my own cult
OK well I better get started, but I think I need to explain that last one a little bit (soon I will write the Cult's holy book, but for now...) I have learned the scientific bond between the spiritual & the material as seen in the lacing of a tennis shoe & its relation to a DNA Helix. If one suspends their earthly material body in a deprivation tank for a period of 8 to 10 hours in a state of total darkness, followed by hanging from the ankles for 15 minutes in a white room, the resulting state of consciousness reveals to them significant views into the eternal caverns of the spiritual mind (all of this can be done "in-mind" as it were without the aid of physical tanks, etc.). I have seen a great many number of floating orbs of energy ruminating as the flow from a central point and the relay their rumination to me via telekinesis. I'm getting frustrated because you won't believe me! Anyway I have learned very detailed information about EVERYTHING! I will laboriously begin to spell it out here:
A- Pointed on top & giving elation to digestive processes
a \'l hasan al ashari - to be disassociated with from here on out as his forthcoming life is a de-evolution into some kind of fungi
a a baranov - traded his beard for fur
aard-vark- should be pictured above every door frame at eqinox
ETC. (You get the idea)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Survey so We Can Better Survey You
At times JWU takes a reflective look at our target audience and we need to make decisions on how to better entertain you. Please take a moment to fill out this brief survey, print it and email it to 970.270.9038 Thank you!
1. Mail or Femail (Circle one)
2. Your Age: (Circle two)
1-5 yrs
5-10 yrs
10-30 yrs
31-35 yrs
36-100 yrs
100-105 yrs
other
3. How many children do you own? (Circle one)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 20 or more
4. Would your children eat JWU flavored Cheerios? y, m, n
5. What is your annual household income?
$1,000 - $1500
$1,600 - $1700
$1,700 -$1,800
I'm rich
6. In the next year, do any of your household members plan to buy (check all that apply):
HAM Radio
Commodore 64 Computer
AM/FM Radio
Turntable
Polaroid Camera
VCR
Tape Deck
Walkie Talkies
Calculator
Digital Watch
Lazer Gun
Tape Recorder
Cordless Telephone
110 or 8mm Camera
Flashlight
Car phone
Floppy Diskettes
19" or larger color Television
Walkman
Rollerskates
7. If you had to have your eyes plucked out by crows or you walk down the Vegas Strip naked, which would you choose? Go.
8. Does your household use chewing gum? (yes/no)
9. What sports are your household members into?
Polo
Curling
Disc Golf
Javelin
Hula Hoop
Rollerskating
Origami
Flight
Croquet
Gardening (or extreme gardening)
Amateur Parkour
Calf Roping
10. What hobbies do your household members enjoy?
Poaching
Hang gliding
Ice climbing
Elephant rides
Monkey Training
Skooter Races
BB Gun Tournament
Side walk chalk
Finger Painting
Video Poker
I don't get out much
19. I would like to be notified of special offers & discounts. y/n
email address:___________________
20. How many hours of TV do you watch per day divided by your hours on the internet times 15? ____________
21. Can we contact you about goods and services over telephone? Phone number___________
22. Do you believe in: (circle all that apply)
Aliens
Chupacabre
Santa Claus
Life after love
The Lost City of Atlantis
Humans Evolving from Apes
Pegasus
Unicorns
Leprechauns
Elves
Sprites
Fairies
Trolls
22. Is Superman faster than Flash?
Thank you for taking part in our survey!!! We will enter you in a drawing!
Please place this in a self addresses stamped envelope and mail by March of 2015!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Black Friday
Today is Black Friday. Don't get me wrong, I am all for equality among races, y'know - but when is White Friday? Or Brown Friday? Well, anyway, I'm not gonna make a huge deal out of it. Let's celebrate diversity! Good job for being whatever race you are! There's a lot sales going on today to celebrate our black brothas & sistas! Stores opened really early & here are some deals you could have gotten if you got up early:
Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%
Okay I'm bored of this.
Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%
Okay I'm bored of this.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Brain Fart
OK, I have to write quickly because I have lots of real work to do! So read quickly to keep up!
The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".
The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.
Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.
It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.
The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!
The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".
The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.
Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.
It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.
The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Budget Cuts by Yurri Unicorn
Both Elephants AND Donkeys know that U.S. National deficit is out of control (according to this real time calculator the debt goes up about $100K per second!!!). The thing is, no one knows how it got so high or how to fix it. So now all you ever hear in the news is about Budget Cuts. To sum it up I would say it like this: Dems want to cut nothing, Republicans want to cut everything.
Well I propose a third animal, probably a clown. No that's not an animal, how about a unicorn? This magical middle animal would know how to cut the maximum without costing people jobs & getting rid of things we NEED. The unicorn would be able to use his one "corn" to plug into the electrical box at public schools to give them free power. No more cutting teacher jobs. Another big issue is healthcare. Well this magic unicorn will go around the country through people's chimney's delivering free prescription meds. This way there is no need for Medicare/caid.
The unicorn's name is Yurri Unicorn. Yurry would also be able to give people sweet CHFA and FHA loans and offer first time home buyers NO DOWN PAYMENT! Inflation? Yurri's "corn" will pop it! Ssssssssss.
We should definitely vote Yurri president. YURRY UNICORN 2012!!!! He's also perfect on non-budget related issues too! Here's where he stands on major issues:
Abortion: Mother get's rights over body, child get's right to life. Mothers not wanting children will get a restraining order on the child & the child has 9 months to move out.
Same sex marriage: There's a mentality among bachelor's that marriage is the end of fun; "game over". Well Yurry would wave his magic "corn" transferring these sentiments to all homosexuals. Then traditional marriages would last forever, and same sexes would not even want to get married! Fun for everyone!
Defense: We all know what a unicorn would do about war! No more wars! How would America defend itself? you ask. Well, I don't know. I'm sure Yurri can make a force field around the USA.
Well anyway, you can see how this 3rd animal, standing between elephants & donkeys will fix the deficit & America.
Vote for Yurri 2012!!
Well I propose a third animal, probably a clown. No that's not an animal, how about a unicorn? This magical middle animal would know how to cut the maximum without costing people jobs & getting rid of things we NEED. The unicorn would be able to use his one "corn" to plug into the electrical box at public schools to give them free power. No more cutting teacher jobs. Another big issue is healthcare. Well this magic unicorn will go around the country through people's chimney's delivering free prescription meds. This way there is no need for Medicare/caid.
The unicorn's name is Yurri Unicorn. Yurry would also be able to give people sweet CHFA and FHA loans and offer first time home buyers NO DOWN PAYMENT! Inflation? Yurri's "corn" will pop it! Ssssssssss.
We should definitely vote Yurri president. YURRY UNICORN 2012!!!! He's also perfect on non-budget related issues too! Here's where he stands on major issues:
Abortion: Mother get's rights over body, child get's right to life. Mothers not wanting children will get a restraining order on the child & the child has 9 months to move out.
Same sex marriage: There's a mentality among bachelor's that marriage is the end of fun; "game over". Well Yurry would wave his magic "corn" transferring these sentiments to all homosexuals. Then traditional marriages would last forever, and same sexes would not even want to get married! Fun for everyone!
Defense: We all know what a unicorn would do about war! No more wars! How would America defend itself? you ask. Well, I don't know. I'm sure Yurri can make a force field around the USA.
Well anyway, you can see how this 3rd animal, standing between elephants & donkeys will fix the deficit & America.
Vote for Yurri 2012!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Money
Dear beloved readers,
NORYB sold out. We heard about a way to make free money. AdSense. So, I just wanted to formerly inform you that I am mostly sorrow for the ads you will now see here. I know, i know, just let me explain. See, sometimes daddy has to do things, dirty things to support your reading. It is all about the money, I admit. Don't worry, you don't have to click the ads but if you do there's money in it for me. So against my better judgement I'm going to help things along by talking about products so that AdSense can link an ad. Things like Nike, Coke, McDonalds, Starbucks, Wal Mart, Wendy's, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Reebok, JC Penny, K Mart, Smashburger, Chipotle, Converse, Burger King, A&W Rootbeer, Arby's, Coleman, Apple, Dell, Carl's Jr., Ross, Barnes & Noble, Red Robin, Canondale, Tipmann, Spalding, the NFL, CBS, Fox, Coldstone, Krispy Cream, Old Navy, Cabella's, Nalgene, Starter, Pizza Hut, ABC, MTV, VH1, Big Lots, Lowes, Subway, Home Depot, Chevy, Pontiac, Gold's Gym, Ford, Windows, XBOX, Dr. Pepper, Slice, Titalist, Mt. Dew, REI, Playstation, Sony, Magnavox, Toyota, Mercedes, Honda, Dodge, Biig O Tires, Applebee's, Q Doba, Del Taco, Hershey's, Adobe, Disney, Reef, DC Shoes, Sector Nine, Kit Kat, Jeep, Casio, Samsung, Philips, Shick, Bic, Mickey Mouse, Time Magazine, Columbia Pictures, City Market, Target, IKEA, Amazon.com, Pandora, Facebook, SAM's Club, Olympus, Canon, The Discovery Channel, Kraft, Meadow Gold, Slice, Staples, Dunder Mifflin, Xerox, NBC, Microsoft, Taco John's, Etnies, Volcom, Hurley, The NBA, Saturn, Shell, Diamond Back, Graco, Fender, Virgin Records, Kleenex, Nintendo, Rayvac, Hoover, Duracell, Xcel Energy, BP, Verizon, Good Times, The New Yorker, Izod, Lamborghini, Rayban, Ryder, Uhaul, Metal Militia, Ed Hardy's, Hooters, Famous Dave's, Krogere, Frito Lay, Mars Bars, the Ghostbusters, Mattel, Coldwell Banker, Merril Lynch, Quest, Warner Brothers, Best Buy, Facebook, Costco, PF Changs, Wells Fargo, People Magazine, LG, Whirlpool, the cat under the porch, IBM, Quicksilver, Wrangler, Levi's, Carhart's, Suzuki, L.A. Gear, Porshe, SONIC, In & Out, Big K, Arizona Tea, AT & T, Ferarri, the Super Dome, Nickelodeon, Perrier, Budweiser, Coors, Remmington, Oakley, Massimo, Mossberg, Ned Flanders, Rice Crispies, Kellogs, Post Cereal, Wacom, Pinesol, SE Johnson & Wax, Coast to Coast, Dominoes, Papa John's, ReMax, Goodwill, Good Year, Michelin, Tylenol, Eggo, Hasbro, Sega, Atari, Addidas, Sharpie, Excedrin, Pilot, Yamaha, NorthFace, UGGS, Crocs, Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, Lay's, Harly Davidson, etc.
NORYB sold out. We heard about a way to make free money. AdSense. So, I just wanted to formerly inform you that I am mostly sorrow for the ads you will now see here. I know, i know, just let me explain. See, sometimes daddy has to do things, dirty things to support your reading. It is all about the money, I admit. Don't worry, you don't have to click the ads but if you do there's money in it for me. So against my better judgement I'm going to help things along by talking about products so that AdSense can link an ad. Things like Nike, Coke, McDonalds, Starbucks, Wal Mart, Wendy's, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Reebok, JC Penny, K Mart, Smashburger, Chipotle, Converse, Burger King, A&W Rootbeer, Arby's, Coleman, Apple, Dell, Carl's Jr., Ross, Barnes & Noble, Red Robin, Canondale, Tipmann, Spalding, the NFL, CBS, Fox, Coldstone, Krispy Cream, Old Navy, Cabella's, Nalgene, Starter, Pizza Hut, ABC, MTV, VH1, Big Lots, Lowes, Subway, Home Depot, Chevy, Pontiac, Gold's Gym, Ford, Windows, XBOX, Dr. Pepper, Slice, Titalist, Mt. Dew, REI, Playstation, Sony, Magnavox, Toyota, Mercedes, Honda, Dodge, Biig O Tires, Applebee's, Q Doba, Del Taco, Hershey's, Adobe, Disney, Reef, DC Shoes, Sector Nine, Kit Kat, Jeep, Casio, Samsung, Philips, Shick, Bic, Mickey Mouse, Time Magazine, Columbia Pictures, City Market, Target, IKEA, Amazon.com, Pandora, Facebook, SAM's Club, Olympus, Canon, The Discovery Channel, Kraft, Meadow Gold, Slice, Staples, Dunder Mifflin, Xerox, NBC, Microsoft, Taco John's, Etnies, Volcom, Hurley, The NBA, Saturn, Shell, Diamond Back, Graco, Fender, Virgin Records, Kleenex, Nintendo, Rayvac, Hoover, Duracell, Xcel Energy, BP, Verizon, Good Times, The New Yorker, Izod, Lamborghini, Rayban, Ryder, Uhaul, Metal Militia, Ed Hardy's, Hooters, Famous Dave's, Krogere, Frito Lay, Mars Bars, the Ghostbusters, Mattel, Coldwell Banker, Merril Lynch, Quest, Warner Brothers, Best Buy, Facebook, Costco, PF Changs, Wells Fargo, People Magazine, LG, Whirlpool, the cat under the porch, IBM, Quicksilver, Wrangler, Levi's, Carhart's, Suzuki, L.A. Gear, Porshe, SONIC, In & Out, Big K, Arizona Tea, AT & T, Ferarri, the Super Dome, Nickelodeon, Perrier, Budweiser, Coors, Remmington, Oakley, Massimo, Mossberg, Ned Flanders, Rice Crispies, Kellogs, Post Cereal, Wacom, Pinesol, SE Johnson & Wax, Coast to Coast, Dominoes, Papa John's, ReMax, Goodwill, Good Year, Michelin, Tylenol, Eggo, Hasbro, Sega, Atari, Addidas, Sharpie, Excedrin, Pilot, Yamaha, NorthFace, UGGS, Crocs, Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, Lay's, Harly Davidson, etc.
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