No One Reads Your Blog

Survey so We Can Better Survey You

2012-01-24T08:46:00.002-07:00

At times JWU takes a reflective look at our target audience and we need to make decisions on how to better entertain you. Please take a moment to fill out this brief survey, print it and email it to 970.270.9038 Thank you!

1. Mail or Femail (Circle one)

2. Your Age: (Circle two)

1-5 yrs

5-10 yrs

10-30 yrs

31-35 yrs

36-100 yrs

100-105 yrs

other

3. How many children do you own? (Circle one)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 20 or more

4. Would your children eat JWU flavored Cheerios? y, m, n

5. What is your annual household income?

$1,000 - $1500

$1,600 - $1700

$1,700 -$1,800

I'm rich

6. In the next year, do any of your household members plan to buy (check all that apply):

HAM Radio

Commodore 64 Computer

AM/FM Radio

Turntable

Polaroid Camera

VCR

Tape Deck

Walkie Talkies

Calculator

Digital Watch

Lazer Gun

Tape Recorder

Cordless Telephone

110 or 8mm Camera

Flashlight

Car phone

Floppy Diskettes

19" or larger color Television

Walkman

Rollerskates

7. If you had to have your eyes plucked out by crows or you walk down the Vegas Strip naked, which would you choose? Go.

8. Does your household use chewing gum? (yes/no)

9. What sports are your household members into?

Polo

Curling

Disc Golf

Javelin

Hula Hoop

Rollerskating

Origami

Flight

Croquet

Gardening (or extreme gardening)

Amateur Parkour

Calf Roping

10. What hobbies do your household members enjoy?

Poaching

Hang gliding

Ice climbing

Elephant rides

Monkey Training

Skooter Races

BB Gun Tournament

Side walk chalk

Finger Painting

Video Poker

I don't get out much

19. I would like to be notified of special offers & discounts. y/n

email address:___________________

20. How many hours of TV do you watch per day divided by your hours on the internet times 15? ____________

21. Can we contact you about goods and services over telephone? Phone number___________

22. Do you believe in: (circle all that apply)

Aliens

Chupacabre

Santa Claus

Life after love

The Lost City of Atlantis

Humans Evolving from Apes

Pegasus

Unicorns

Leprechauns

Elves

Sprites

Fairies

Trolls

22. Is Superman faster than Flash?

Thank you for taking part in our survey!!! We will enter you in a drawing!

Please place this in a self addresses stamped envelope and mail by March of 2015!

Black Friday

2011-11-25T11:52:00.002-07:00

Today is Black Friday. Don't get me wrong, I am all for equality among races, y'know - but when is White Friday? Or Brown Friday? Well, anyway, I'm not gonna make a huge deal out of it. Let's celebrate diversity! Good job for being whatever race you are! There's a lot sales going on today to celebrate our black brothas & sistas! Stores opened really early & here are some deals you could have gotten if you got up early:

Wall Mart - $800
Best Buy - $150
Target - $480
Sears 5%

Okay I'm bored of this.

The Brain Fart

2011-08-11T08:33:00.002-06:00

OK, I have to write quickly because I have lots of real work to do! So read quickly to keep up!

The Brain Fart is a term you hear a lot, even though scientists have proven there is no "natural gasline" from the bowls to the cranial region. The closest approximation would be the the esophageal "throat pipe" which does carry gaseous air, but these are known as "burps" or "belches". And no one's ever heard of a "Brain Burp".

The Brian FArt is a term used when people forget something important. There is a small "digestion" of a memory that happens and causes a bubble of gaseous air to form under the occipital lobes. The air pocket must escape and so it travels along the sulci until it finds escape through sinuses, the nasolacrimal duct or even through the ears.

Brain Farts usually come out of the eyes.

It is important to allow the "Fart" to happen. Trying to hold the air in has been known to rupture the Parietal Lobes and cause gas cramps (much like the "Brain Freeze") in the Temporal Lobes. Once in 1946 a business man named Phineas Mauge tried to conceal his forgetfulness. The trapped air blew up his cerebral cortex like a balloon and fractured his scull from the inside. There is even a story, now relegated to myth, that a man in the early 20's inadvertently held the Fart so hard that the resulting pressure on his Frontal Lobes caused his eyes to pop out.

The best way to avoid the Brain Fart is to keep your memory sharp! Fish oil is rumored to keep a memory sharp! So, remember, if you don't want blow your brain to bits by stupidly forgetting things, eat a fish!

Budget Cuts by Yurri Unicorn

2011-07-18T08:55:00.003-06:00

Both Elephants AND Donkeys know that U.S. National deficit is out of control (according to this real time calculator the debt goes up about $100K per second!!!). The thing is, no one knows how it got so high or how to fix it. So now all you ever hear in the news is about Budget Cuts. To sum it up I would say it like this: Dems want to cut nothing, Republicans want to cut everything.

Well I propose a third animal, probably a clown. No that's not an animal, how about a unicorn? This magical middle animal would know how to cut the maximum without costing people jobs & getting rid of things we NEED. The unicorn would be able to use his one "corn" to plug into the electrical box at public schools to give them free power. No more cutting teacher jobs. Another big issue is healthcare. Well this magic unicorn will go around the country through people's chimney's delivering free prescription meds. This way there is no need for Medicare/caid.
The unicorn's name is Yurri Unicorn. Yurry would also be able to give people sweet CHFA and FHA loans and offer first time home buyers NO DOWN PAYMENT! Inflation? Yurri's "corn" will pop it! Ssssssssss.

We should definitely vote Yurri president. YURRY UNICORN 2012!!!! He's also perfect on non-budget related issues too! Here's where he stands on major issues:
Abortion: Mother get's rights over body, child get's right to life. Mothers not wanting children will get a restraining order on the child & the child has 9 months to move out.
Same sex marriage: There's a mentality among bachelor's that marriage is the end of fun; "game over". Well Yurry would wave his magic "corn" transferring these sentiments to all homosexuals. Then traditional marriages would last forever, and same sexes would not even want to get married! Fun for everyone!
Defense: We all know what a unicorn would do about war! No more wars! How would America defend itself? you ask. Well, I don't know. I'm sure Yurri can make a force field around the USA.

Well anyway, you can see how this 3rd animal, standing between elephants & donkeys will fix the deficit & America.
Vote for Yurri 2012!!

Money

2011-06-24T11:04:00.002-06:00

Dear beloved readers,
NORYB sold out. We heard about a way to make free money. AdSense. So, I just wanted to formerly inform you that I am mostly sorrow for the ads you will now see here. I know, i know, just let me explain. See, sometimes daddy has to do things, dirty things to support your reading. It is all about the money, I admit. Don't worry, you don't have to click the ads but if you do there's money in it for me. So against my better judgement I'm going to help things along by talking about products so that AdSense can link an ad. Things like Nike, Coke, McDonalds, Starbucks, Wal Mart, Wendy's, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Reebok, JC Penny, K Mart, Smashburger, Chipotle, Converse, Burger King, A&W Rootbeer, Arby's, Coleman, Apple, Dell, Carl's Jr., Ross, Barnes & Noble, Red Robin, Canondale, Tipmann, Spalding, the NFL, CBS, Fox, Coldstone, Krispy Cream, Old Navy, Cabella's, Nalgene, Starter, Pizza Hut, ABC, MTV, VH1, Big Lots, Lowes, Subway, Home Depot, Chevy, Pontiac, Gold's Gym, Ford, Windows, XBOX, Dr. Pepper, Slice, Titalist, Mt. Dew, REI, Playstation, Sony, Magnavox, Toyota, Mercedes, Honda, Dodge, Biig O Tires, Applebee's, Q Doba, Del Taco, Hershey's, Adobe, Disney, Reef, DC Shoes, Sector Nine, Kit Kat, Jeep, Casio, Samsung, Philips, Shick, Bic, Mickey Mouse, Time Magazine, Columbia Pictures, City Market, Target, IKEA, Amazon.com, Pandora, Facebook, SAM's Club, Olympus, Canon, The Discovery Channel, Kraft, Meadow Gold, Slice, Staples, Dunder Mifflin, Xerox, NBC, Microsoft, Taco John's, Etnies, Volcom, Hurley, The NBA, Saturn, Shell, Diamond Back, Graco, Fender, Virgin Records, Kleenex, Nintendo, Rayvac, Hoover, Duracell, Xcel Energy, BP, Verizon, Good Times, The New Yorker, Izod, Lamborghini, Rayban, Ryder, Uhaul, Metal Militia, Ed Hardy's, Hooters, Famous Dave's, Krogere, Frito Lay, Mars Bars, the Ghostbusters, Mattel, Coldwell Banker, Merril Lynch, Quest, Warner Brothers, Best Buy, Facebook, Costco, PF Changs, Wells Fargo, People Magazine, LG, Whirlpool, the cat under the porch, IBM, Quicksilver, Wrangler, Levi's, Carhart's, Suzuki, L.A. Gear, Porshe, SONIC, In & Out, Big K, Arizona Tea, AT & T, Ferarri, the Super Dome, Nickelodeon, Perrier, Budweiser, Coors, Remmington, Oakley, Massimo, Mossberg, Ned Flanders, Rice Crispies, Kellogs, Post Cereal, Wacom, Pinesol, SE Johnson & Wax, Coast to Coast, Dominoes, Papa John's, ReMax, Goodwill, Good Year, Michelin, Tylenol, Eggo, Hasbro, Sega, Atari, Addidas, Sharpie, Excedrin, Pilot, Yamaha, NorthFace, UGGS, Crocs, Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, Lay's, Harly Davidson, etc.

Motorcycle Cowboys

2011-06-23T09:13:00.001-06:00

I have a movie idea that I'm going to pitch to Hollywood. I really think it'd be a great summer blockbuster with lot's of licensing potential to Burger King, et al.

Motorcycle Cowboys
Synopsis:
In a quiet western bedroom community known as Dry Rock, a young ranch hand named Luke enjoys tinkering on his motorcycle, riding with friends and "picking up chicks".
One foggy Christmas hot and dry summer a cruel and murderous biker gang from Los Angeles called the Hades Saints pass through Dry Rock. Being complete "A" Holes they carelessly ride all over the streets of Dry Rock, through resident's yards and on sidewalks. They smash mail boxes, run over pets, vandalize properties and threaten everyone in site. Local law enforcement is out gunned and outnumbered.
After a bar tender at the local "watering hole" is cold heartedly murdered, Luke and his cowboy buddies decide not to take this lying down. They arm themselves with shotguns, pistols and rifles, "mount up" on their own motorcycles and prepare to confront the Hades Saints.
As Luke and his posse engage the gang, an epic battle ensues. Because of Luke and friend's equestrian experience they are better and more daring riders. Luke's friends show up in droves on all different kinds of bikes, many on dirt bikes giving them the upper hand.
Luke's posse takes a few hits but ends up gunning down many of the Hades Saints and even roping many of them off their bikes.
Finally when the battle is over, back up law enforcement arrive from the nearest big city to haul off the Hades Saints. Luke and his posse go down in Dry Rock history as heroes.

Now the really exciting part is the cool action figures that will spawn from this movie. I hope to get Mattel on the phone later this week to discuss developing a Luke action figure complete with his cowboy hat and motorcycle. Seriously licensing is going to go "off the hook"!

Motorcycle Cowboy Pajamas
MC Cereal
Trading Cards
Board Games
Halloween Costumes
A spin off cartoon sries
Lunch Pales
Etc.

This Blog's Irrelevance & Simultaneous Necessity

2011-06-22T09:17:00.000-06:00

Today's post brought to you by: The Irony Weight-loss bar: Tastes so good you'll want another one, and another one!

Well, readers, after reading some other blogs recently it is quite apparent to me that this blog is greatly misguided. Most blogs seem to either be a running diary of people's personal lives so that friends & family can keep up, some kind of instructional blog to help self improvement (i.e. recipes, DIY home improvement, recipes), political ranting or exploring human performance. This blog has always been about mapping brainwaves in response to various stimuli to try and recognize, hopefully plaid patterns of amber energy maybe with a burlap texture. And WHOOPS! that's why NO ONE reads this blog! ("Did he really just say that?" you ask. Yes, yes I did.)
The question now is "What am I going to do about it?". The answer lies in the specific boundaries of the vague category of "Conformity". Psh. So basically you will read my blog if I:

Write coherently
Write about something you can relate to
Write about something you can use in your life
Write about something that will entertain or interest you

I'm gonna go with that last one & hope I will not need to drastically change NORYB. Think about it, if people did read this blog then I'd have to change the title to maybe "Some People Read Your Blog". The irony is lost & thus the reason for the blog. Kind of. Just bear with me while I "think out loud" as it were...maybe "think in typing". To make this more convoluted: I'm writing to entertain a small group of possibly British thinking (although I'm American), dry *humoristic people whose sense of humor fits with mine solely for the purpose of a really good hard laugh and maybe some tears. I say this with as much humility as possible: this blog achieves this for me. So I don't know what that says about me? I think I'm funny? Is that OK? Or is that narcissistic? Well, fine...you may think I'm pretentious, but I don't think so. I think I'm just working toward a humanity of laughing & thus peace. Do I suffer from delusions of grandeur? That's for me to know and you to find out.
Please comment. I feel like I'm talking to the proverbial wall here...or in this case, computer monitor. Isn't that the sure sign of someone who's lost his mind? Talking to himself? (It should be noted those people are rarely talking to themselves per se - as many sane people do daily, rather they are talking to a figment of their imagination that appears very real to them...so WHO'S the insane one?)
The answer to that question is an emphatic ME!
Peace out yo.

*I made this word up and am open to suggests for a more well fitting "real" word. It's OK if the real word is in another language.

Appendix A
Where Did This Come From?
The statement "plaid patterns of amber energy maybe with a burlap texture" appears to be random and under-girds the irony that pervades this blog. (Pure randomness isn't really that funny & requires some sort of irony or tie to reality to be truly funny). So let me explain..me. I have always thought it'd be interesting to "think outside the bun" in terms of how scientists map brainwaves & look for patterns. What if we combined graphic art with science? What kinds of patterns might be recognized with an artistic look?

Confusion on Syrian Coverage

2011-06-21T09:20:00.000-06:00

When reporting on the Syrian conflict, I and a couple other journalists were confiscated. We stayed the night in a guarded on-site trailer with bars over the windows. They fed us some strange tasting frosted flakes in the morning. The irony of my cereal was probably from it's proximity to the iron bars.
After we ate we were brought outside for questioning. The "leader of the pack" stepped up & in broken English asked "What is you want to know?"

I didn't know his nationality but since we were close to Syria I asked him if he was Syrial. When I got strange looks I said "...well you know...if someone has harmony they are harmonious...so you know, like...if this guy is from Syria...is he..uhh...is he Syrious?"
I don't think they thought I was serious.

What I really wanted to know is how their small army fared against the recent world wide invasion from alien forces. The aliens had far superior weapons & CNN had only followed a group of US Marines through the ordeal but there was limited coverage of other nations all over the world.

I asked him if they had fought the aliens and he acted like I was from another planet. Even the other journalists looked at me like I was crazy, so I just shut up.

How Prisons Can Save Money

2011-06-20T16:03:00.000-06:00

I was listening to National Pubic Radio and they were interviewing a prisoner who was getting education in prison. I think he was in for Herbicide or something. The prison was looking at cutting the education program to save money but the prisoner was explaining that the education would keep him from returning to prison after he was released.
In typical NORYB blog fashion I will keep my solutions itemized in a bulleted list so as not to lose your flea-like attention:

Cut the education programme. No one needs education that bad.
Cut the costs within the programme. Many things have cheap substitutes: plastic scissors with rounded edges, off-brand glue instead of Elmer's, basic Crayola colors instead of the fancy stuff, Lisa Frank cigar boxes are an excellent way to carry supplies, 3-ring binders from Wal Mart, etc.
Less prisoners=less costs and guards could use more target practice. You draw your own conclusions. I'm just sayin'.
Mannequins instead of teachers. Must be realistic looking.
Training videos on VHS instead of DVD...especially we don't need to be wasting money on BluRay. I'm sure you can find entire episodes of Dora the Explorer or Blues Clues online.
Hire student teachers instead of University Professors. Both teacher & student will be learning = WIN WIN!
Longer nap times = less teaching time
Use other prisoners to teach the classes...or perhaps the K9 unit and you wouldn't have to pay them.

The Absurdians

2011-06-13T15:40:00.000-06:00

On my planetary travels, I once ended up marooned on the planet GEarthppl. When I first stepped out of my vessel I thought for sure I had ended up back on Earth. On first glance I saw trees, mountains, sky, even a city that looked like I could have been on the edge of a major American metropolitan area.
Then, a more thorough perusal revealed something very strange & different. On one of the closer building I could barely grasp what I was seeing: hoses randomly hanging from the walls. What appeared to be newspaper randomly taped all over the building. The building next to it sat in the shade of giant awning that covered the entire 8 story structure like a car port. Across the street an office building was surround by a wooden privacy fence inside of a chain link fence not 6 inches in front of that fence. A car parked on the street was covered in bubble wrap and had an old television strapped to the front grill.
Finally I saw a person. I headed toward him and the closer I got the more absurd this guy appeared. Though it seemed to be summer he had on a large poofy parka and an over ripe banana was strapped to his balding head with a zebra patterned shoestring. He was carrying a leaf rake in his right hand and wore ice crampons on his boots. When he noticed me, I caught his eye as if I were some strange anomaly.
He approached with a confused look and said "Lost your way have you? One. You're not mountain from around here, are you? LMNOP,"
Confused by his vernacular I asked "How do you know that?"
"Well, you..." he looked uncomfortable and twirled his mustache with his free hand, "...you don't have bubble anything...you know...well...where are your things? Dirt."
"I haven't a clue what you mean,sir. You are right, I come the planet earth...which is in many ways like your planet. However...there is something about this place...I can't quite place it...that makes it very peculiar...." I replied, "Tell me, why do you have a banana tied to your head?"
He acted as if I had told the world his darkest secret and answered, "Well, map...gear...it's mine, see? If I left it lying around, someone might take it,"
His answer was entirely insufficient but I moved on, "Maybe you can help me understand. On my planet you would never see that," I pointed to a red octagon sign on the corner that read:
"Stop. Make sure your right of way is clear before proceeding."
And a smaller sign below that one read "If you fail to stop you will be cited for a moving traffic violation and will need to appear in court. Please bring proper identification to court".
The man responded "What do you mean? Motor. Are there no rules on your planet?"
"No what I mean is, our sign would simply read 'Stop'. There is no need for anymore explanation"
The man looked confused and said "Well, battery...that seems vague. Well anyway lamp bobtail, you must be very tired from your travels. Do you need a carp place to stay? There's a hotel nearby,"
"That would be great," I said gratefully.
"The name's Bill Feather of the Coal Peters," he stuck a hand out, "you're the first basic moth man from outer space I have ever met".
"Yosh," I said shaking his hand "And you're the first...say what are your people called?"
"Absurdians. Follow kind ball me," and he led me down the street to 10 story hotel building.
The sign out front read Oil Horn Gum Hotel and in smaller letters: Check in, pay and stay the night if you're in need of a place to stay tonight.
Bill said "Its very nice to fuzzy meet you Mr. Yosh space alien. If you need anything, please call letter me," he handed me a business card.
"Thank you, Bill, I will!" I said and then turned to the front desk clerk.
"Hello, bumble box, sir. Will you be rutter staying the night with us?" the clerk said.
"Yes, just tonight, thank you," I replied. I noticed he seemed to be wearing a bullet proof vest and some kind of goggles.
"OK, that will be fifty four ninety eight plus thirty nine eighty two minus thirty nine eighty two, please,bagger"
Weirded out by the math equation I dug into my pocket and pulled out a fifty and a five dollar bill and handed them over.
"All right, and two cents is your yellow sofa change," he said taking two pennies out of the register and placing them into a slot on a machine.
I said "What is that?"
"This?" he pointed to the machine "A sloppy couch bear, penny folder of course," He pulled a lever and there was heavy metallic crunch and out came my two pennies folded into fourths.
Ans so was my first day on GEarthppl.

To Get Out of A Speeding Ticket

2011-06-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

I got a speeding ticket on my motor bike a few days ago which really put me on a bad one. The park Ranger clocked me right here. I have been trying to think of ways to get around the $120 ticket for going 44 in a 25. I have thought of several scenarios:
1. Eagle beak punch the Ranger in the throat & then take off (there's no way he could catch me on my motorcycle)
2. Feign a stroke or heart attack or seizure.
3. Jump off a cliff (& come back for my bike later)
4. Throw a grenade under his truck & try to blow up his drivetrain.
5. Tell him jokes until we are old buddies & then he won't want to write me a ticket.
6. Look! A Panda!
None of these will work and right now all I can really think of is magic. Hey if Lady Gaga can fool an entire generation into thinking she either some type of bird or reptile, I should be able to pull something. I'm thinking I should have tried a mind game on him. You know, convince him not only that I don't deserve a ticket or that he didn't clock me at 44, but that he isn't even really talking to anyone. I'd be like 'Hey man, prove to me this isn't all some scenario in a dream you're having. Or maybe YOU'RE not even real. Did you ever think about that? Maybe you only think you're real, every thought you're having is building an illusion you're real! So this ticket, look at it closely. Now start to see it as a cracker. See? You've handed me a cracker." Then I'd crumple it & he'd see this cracker crumbling. Poof it's gone.

Hmmmm. I don't think I could pull it off.....I mailed the ticket today....

In the News this April 2011 Day

2011-04-29T09:19:00.000-06:00

There's a little girl that is really big on the radio lately named Justin Beiber. Apparently her agent hasn't heard of Hosny Mubarak or Molmar Ghadafi because all she sings about is her vast knowledge of love and relationship experience. I propose she write a song about the US's involvement in UN air-strikes over Libya...you know all Bob Dylan-y.
Or something we should all be concerned about right now: giant tornadoes in the US south surely brought on by a catalyzed "butterfly effect" which began in the 9.0 Japan quakes (and those of course had their roots in Haitian voodoo). Instead, watch, she''ll probably write a gushy song (to later be auto tuned on YouTube) about some royal wedding I heard about last night. Psh.
What are YOU doing about high gas prices?

Oh crap...where's my birth certificate? How the hell am I going to run for president without my birth certificate?!!!!! Can someone please get me Donald Trump? I know if he can't find it, he will at least be "proud of himself" for bringing light to the situation....

justin, beiber, hosny, mubarak, molmar, gadafi, love, relationships, US, UN, air, strike, Libya, bob, dylan, tornado, south, japan, quake, haiti, voodoo, royal, wedding, gas, prices, birth certificate, president, Donald, trump

Inspirational Little Sayings to Forward to People

2011-04-26T11:09:00.001-06:00

Area Man Commits Suicide Because of Onion News

2011-03-16T08:52:00.000-06:00

Peter Phalten of Ceddar Rapids, TX was found dead by neighbors in his Brinn Street apartment late Tuesday evening. Investigators ruled the death a suicide when a suicide note was confirmed to be his own hand writing. The grim note read as follows:
"Dear friends & family,
I just saw the news on TV of North Korea wiping out all of Asia. This is it, friends...the end of the world. If you haven't heard, he's targeting Europe next and all that's left to stop him is the USA. I can't live in a world ruled by Kim Jong Ill...see you on the other side."
It was immediately noted by neighbor Bill Richardson that parody news agency Onion News Network had, moments before, aired the phony news story on cable TV.
Representatives of ONN were not reached.
"This is just such a tragedy," comments Richardson "I was next door laughing my ass of while Peter was over here drinking a bottle of bleach".
Phalten is survived by a cat named Dinky (who was lapping the bleach at the scene & may die soon).
Phalten is known to have committed multiple suicides in the Ceddar Rapids area in the last ten years.

New JWU CD: The Great Cover Up, Review

2011-01-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

JWU The Great Cover Up
************ (12 out of 9 1/2 stars)
~by Yosh
"Startlingly Pretentious and Delightfully Comatose"

A new album for the veterans see light in the new year. It has been surprisingly nearly almost three years since the insightful team has produced their brand of wittingly profuse nomanclature. The band however have brought us this time, though untimely, a collection cover tunes remarkably a lot like an eighteen wheeler amidst a flowery meadow...16 in all. Michael Jackson and the Clash get the JWU treatment much like a traditional cover album, but there are some very unlikely mosaics here such as Total Eclipse and the formerly well known theme song of the children's 80's cartoon "Heathcliff". Part of the epicity of this release is its exquisite cast of contributors (more than any other album to date)(& too many to list here) (you'll have to peruse the liner notes). The intentions are here-forth becoming of those with nostalgia who wish to also seize a barragement of eclectic re-portrayals of their inner most rehash-ments of childhood soundtracks that may or probably did produce their current mind state. These "paintings", as I will take liberty in terming them, are most comparable to a coffee pot which has just percolated its final drop of rich brew into a glass pot - you gotta detach from societal norms in the sense that you let go of perceived inferiority but still keeping a firm grasp on reality with one foot...like such things as the fabric of space in which all matter "sits" or hangs" causing a sort of dimple where time is dilated, slowed down & even stopped.

Happy New Year! Predictions

2011-01-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Happy New year 2011! I would like to start off this year by making some predictions. Hopefully we'll come back to this at the end of the year & see how many of my predictions came true!

1.) The Beatles will get back together

2.) There will be a sequel to Twilight

3.) Stick people will gain sentience

4.) Radios will be combined with tape players and made portable

5.) Flying cars

6.) Jet packs

7.) Dirigibles

8.) Anti-anti matter

9.) Paperless internet

10.) The end of the "Blog"

Out of Context

2010-12-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

MAny things we say throughout our days can be outrageously hilarious if just taken out of context, here are some:

"Somebody ate all the twinkies out of my zombie survival kit!" ~Tim Mayer

"Hey...if I can get free Rice-a-Roni, I'll do it too!" ~Me

"No! I don't want to get chocolate cake in my veins!" ~Me

"Let's not throw a frozen turkey at a girl that weighs 50 pounds!" ~Rachel Dawson

"Why are there chickens on the lawn?" ~Charity Meinhart

Tonight: Full Moon, Total Eclipse, Winter Solstice

2010-12-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha...uhh...oh jeez...hehehehehe ahh, wow I can't quit giggling! I'm so giddy & slap happy!
Wow, I feel like smashing some mailboxes & streaking! Who's with me???

New Country

2010-12-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Today I heard something really interesting in the news: A new country! Well...I was kind of deep in thought about something (would street cleaners maybe be more beneficial if they used toothpaste?) and so I wasn't totally listening. But I heard them talking about this new country called Eigh-Yough (well, that's probably the English spelling)...maybe it's just EeYoo?. From the sounds of it is VERY VERY near Europe.
Cool, maybe they found a new island on Earth??? How cool would that be? A pure & innocent place in harmony with nature where humans are allowed to be their natural blue color. Well all that will be ruined when the white man comes & bombs the place. White men will foreseeably (in this decade) force them to adopt our government & wear Western Wear. It's going to make The Country General & Murdoch's shares sky rocket. (Those are US Companies) which will make the USA come out of it's repression - a repression that cutting and Prozac couldn't help. (I still can't understand why Prozac, Zoloft, etc. aren't by nature, balancers of the economy - think about it, bad economy, lose job, get depressed, buy Zoloft, economy goes back up!)
I also can't think of how to end this blog, so I use one of my trick! Switching to a random different subject in the last paragraph: Where are you? This is a trick question, so think bout that.

Wigi Leanks

2010-12-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

(I had to change the spelling to the way I had accidentally been mispronouncing it so the government won't flag me)

Wiki Links make me really nervous because this is our country's national security at steak. SOme basturd is taking our secrets and posting them all over the internet. I wonder how he would like it if we posted his diary all over the internet, including his plans to put a bomb in his neighbor's garbage disposal?

One thing that worries me is if there is info about me in his Wigi Leaks? I am kind of important to national security in secret ways I can't tell you. Like for instance, I have a lot of really good ideas that I write down (some on this blog) and if he stole my ideas, I am gonna be really pissed. Julian Assange I have something for you. *digs around in pocket* Tadahhh! (My middle finger).

Other ideas I have formulated include:
Jet propulsion by magnetic imagery
Water powered generators
Internal combustion "engines" for searching purposes
A cotton gin
The electronic typewriter
A clothes washing machine
Radioactive horse kennel slideshow McTwist rubber basket case transfer
Detailed maps of the Rice Krispy's involvment in thermonuclear international peace treaties

So watch out Julian (that sounds like a chick's name anyway), I may or MAY not have planted a nest of mice with Haunta-virus somewhere in your bedroom (but don't look behind your dresser).

The F’d Up Little Lamb

2010-12-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Once there was a flock of sheep who were all rather “in the know”, hipster sheep if you will. If one of them saw a certain movie or watched a certain TV show, all the rest had to see it too.If one wore a certain type of shoes, soon all of them would have the same shoes. Most of all, if one bought a certain brand of laptop or phone, the rest of the flock knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that brand was way better than any other.

There was one sheep though, he was black and his name was Yosh. The rest of the sheep called him a contrarian. No matter what Yosh did, he was always different (except when he wore Cons). One autumn, Yosh fell from a tree and busted his neck. Basically he got his ass kicked by a tree. This left Yosh with F’d up hands and occasionally he would knock drinks over in people’s laps.

A while later the flock realized Yosh was retarded in the relationship category and decided they should hook him up with a Cow named Abby. They didn’t care that Yosh was sheep and she was a cow. Abby annoyed Yosh with her incessant mooing.

One day the flock all went to lunch & forgot about Yosh. Yosh was really sad and decided the only way to make things better was cocaine and cutting. Just kidding. Yosh wandered around and Abby found him. As they wandered along they decided to go into a Denny’s or a VI or something...actually I think it was IHOP. They sat down for a cup of coffee and some toast. The waitress had been tripping on ‘shrooms earlier & so she didn’t even seem phased that there was a sheep & a cow in her booth...in fact, she thought she was a chicken anyway.
When Yosh’s toast came out, he saw something quite amazing! Burnt into his toast was the baby Jesus! Yosh thought “well that’s neat”. And he ate his toast.

You see, the moral of the story is that if Yosh wasn’t F’d up, he wouldn’t have seen the cool toast. See kids, when you are maligned by society, don’t worry! One day they will feel bad and try to get rid of you by appeasing you until you shut up and go away. When this happens you will be privileged to see some pretty cool little things here & there. Don’t give up!

The End

Note: All characters are fictitious and any resemblance to anyone real, dead or alive is purely coincidental.

Things to Say

2010-12-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a collection of "witty" things to say that you can use in your Twitter or Facebook feeds. I give you permission as long as you put a squiggly & then my name after it (~Yosh)

"People keep forgetting the "i" when they talk about MiLK Day. Happy MiLK Day everyone!"

"Rhianna! Your. Name. Is. Rhianna!"

"I'm not going to be aloud near Children's Ministry tonight...it's this mustache."

"I'm just gonna go ahead & toot my own horn: I made a World Record last night at Javeline toss...on Kinect"

"these jeans are right in the waist, but how long? can't find length anywhere. the brand: Guess. Me: no"

"I want to make your stomach hurt. Not by poison,ya turkey, by makin' you laugh really hard!"

"Me: "This chick has kind of a nice voice"
Radio: "Justin Beiber with 'Baby'"
Me: "oh""

"New iPad comes loaded to the max with every App. imaginable. It's called the Max iPad."

"More fun than duck duck goose....duct TAPE goose!"

Dear "So & So"...

2010-12-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Spam,
I know you're really a girl who's got a crush on me & is trying to get my attention. After all you are the only one who ever writes me email. I have tried responding to you but it seems there's an error. I have a question, what is Cialis?
Well I hope your "Make money from home" job is going good! Ttyl.

Yosh

Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Thank you.

Yosh

Dear Google,
I have an idea that maybe you haven't tried yet. Buy Apple. Don't be like Yahoo when they had a chance to buy you. Do it now while you have a chance. Then you should buy Microsoft.

Yosh

A Thanksgiving Day Poem

2010-11-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Turkey oh Turkey
Why do you...why do you shirk me?
Hey Turkey Poo
Yeah I'm talkin to you
I like you when you're moist
But not when you...uh...um..when you hoist
Turkey iss....

I'm bored of this

bOrdinary

2010-11-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

How many people, on a scale of 1 to 13.5 (1 being the best, 5 the worst and 13, so so) agree with me that most of you are ordinary? And ordinary is boring.
I just accused you, so comment on this blog & tell me why I'm wrong!
Disagree? Take this quiz:

1.) Faced with a surprise random herd of chickens I would
a- Try to feed them
b- Try to pick up the white one
c- Do nothing & get back to work
d- Take pictures of them
e- All of the above

The answer is B. So, yeah, you were wrong.

Going Green

2010-11-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

I heard this phrase the other day: "Going Green". I'm pretty sure it was referring to when people become envious. (Or maybe when you yell at the person in front of you at the stop light when they're on their cell phone?) I have seen some vague references to vegetables & eating healthier, and protecting the environment too. I'm starting to think it's a new hip term for being conscious about ways to "save the planet"? So watch this phrase in coming years as it will be everywhere, I think.

This got me to thinking: If everyone did their part we could rid the world of this "green house effect". Greenhouses are places where plants are given an almost perfect environment to flourish & when we get too much CO2 in our skies, this begins to happen. Plants could foreseeably outnumber humans. We may be poisoned by the subsequent outflow of oxygen. Also the plants will probably then evolve beyond our own mental capacity and the next step (probably by the year twenty eleven) will be them RULING US! Damn it.
This cannot happen!

SO!

Here are ways to "save" "the" "environment":

1. Turn the lights off. ALways. We think we need them. We don't. How do you think people in the 1800's did things at night. Also, your headlights suck power from the engine. You'll get better gas mileage w/out them.

2. Do not drive. Or try not to. If you can, coast to work. Burning fuel uses energies from gasses combusted in your internal engine. This makes a vehicular excrement known as CO2 (see above explanation)

3. Don't waste.See this post.

4. Eat less saturated fats. Eat the plants (especially the ones that seem to be evolving sentience).

13. Disassemble the snowman one "ball" at a time.

6. Reduce: I have no idea what this means.

7. Reuse: When something breaks, fix it, don't throw it away & buy a new one! Think, every time you chuck something, it's going to the land fill. Landfills are everywhere & getting bigger. They are filling the land - land that we should be living on & sharing with animals (but not sentient plants).

8. Recycle: you collect your pop cans in a separate bag & then bring them to City Market. They will give you I think 5 cents for every half ton of soda cans you bring in. This is why you see bums collecting cans. It's money people. Recycle for the money.

Actually, I've decided the phrase is really referring to turning green with envy...so disregard everything I just said. Except number 13.

My Top 40 Song

2010-10-27T07:58:00.000-06:00

These days with the magic of Auto Tune, anyone can make a top 40 hit ready for radio!
What about rhythm? Don't need it! Let the software make a beat for you!
What about instrumental talent? Really? Are you gonna make me answer that?
What bout voice talent? AUTO TUNE!
What about songwriting? Who gives a rip what you sing about? As long as it has that sweet auto tune sound and a funky beat, you can sing about ANYTHING! (ex. The Huntsville Rapist, that commercial with T Pain where he even talks in auto tune).
What about originality? No need! Today's clubs and top 40 are completely free of it, so why would you need it?

So, here are the lyrics to my new song. The only thing I'm having trouble with is rhyming... I wonder if there is Auto Rhyming software? WAIT! I just invented it!

Da Club
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Money!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'
Except the weekend
And goin' to the club

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin
And actin' like I'm a star
And gettin' all the chicks

Da Club (after run through Auto Rhyming SoftwareTM)
Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Moneyo!
There I was on a work day
Couldn't think about nuthin'ay
Except the weekend, ey
And goin' to the clubay

Chorus:
Da club, da club, da club
Workin' it with the ladies in the club
Da club, da club, da club
Dancin' all night long, bub

Forget real life
All that matters is my clubbin life
And actin' like I'm a star life
And gettin' all the chicks life

Could You Kill A Moose?

2010-10-01T12:15:00.000-06:00

With your bare hands?

First I would imagine you would take off your gloves, because you need bare hands.
Second, you would need to go where the mooses are: Alaska most likey. Although there are a few around here though I think they are endangered and you'd get in big trouble for killing one.
Third: why would you want to kill a moose? Do humans eat moose meat? Maybe you need a coat rack? Or a moose fur coat? I know Mink is frowned upon for coats, but is Moose?
Fourth, think about sneaking upon the moose or maybe dropping down on it from a tree.
Meece are VERY LARGE aminals, so think about that. You don't get a gun or knife. Or a rope. This is...this could be EXTREMELY difficult. No, it WILL. Your only option suffocation. So you must be strong enough to asphyxiate the moose around the neck.
Or I don't know, maybe you can kick it in the ribs hard enough to puncture a lung.

I don't know, OK? Just forget it.

Anyone know what Moose Burger tastes like? I'm hungry.

Thoughts on Things

2010-08-31T08:21:00.000-06:00

Voices

Many of us have "voices in our head". Some people have problems with their voices. My biggest problem is sometimes understanding them. Like last night "Mill them all." What is THAT supposed to mean?

Get Well Soon

How soon is too soon to give someone a Get Well Soon Card? I thought about having some on hand at all times. If you saw a kid fall off his bike & break his arm, it would probably make him feel better if you went over & gave him a Get Well Soon card, then called 911.
Maybe the SOONER you gave it, the SOONER they could get well?

The "Center Brain"

2010-08-26T08:53:00.000-06:00

You've heard of "right brained" people and "left brained" people. It has been discovered that the left brain is the more logical side thinking in mathematics and concrete concepts while the left brain controls spatial, non-verbal and emotional thought.
In recent years scientists have discovered a small brain within our brains called the Corpus Colosseum. Experiments are revealing that erratic and semi-normal psychopathic behavior comes from this area. Also ultra-sound shows that there is a tiny horse in there running on a treadmill. Exercised cloud-watchers argue the image reveals a unicorn standing on a tortoise. I have seen an MRI of the image and I saw something utterly different. It was a gibbon speaking in Mandarin which I for some reason understood. He played piano and gave me insight into the 5th dimension. The following equation resulted:
a+b5/the root of Potassium Argon x z(moles)to the 5th= the root of the curvature of the space/time continuum.
In other words, if we square it, we have a working equation for finding worm holes in the fabric of time! What a smart gibbon!

Your Minde: A Repository of "Things"

2010-08-02T14:24:00.000-06:00

There are things in your head waiting dormant until you call on them to be produced by way of speech, electronic typewriter, musical instrument or artiste's medium. In order to prove to you what I mean I will produce for you a list "things" that come from none other than my mind.
Bull (The male cow)
Car battery
Cat lice
Rope
Mortgage
Rose (and/or lilies)
Macbeth (the play, not the planet)
Pottery
Black jelly beans
Rice pudding
Wrench (16mm)
A red button
Mule
Pastries

Now I ask you, where did these items come from? Not one of them was triggered by a direct and recent experience. However, they lie dormant, put there years ago upon my first contact with them.
So next time, think about what is in your mind and how might you use it. I like drawing and painting and so I think I will draw a bull with a wrench eating a bowl of rice pudding.

PS I'm not British, but if you read this in an English accent it sounds more proper and scientific. Thank you..

Facts

2010-06-15T08:04:00.000-06:00

I heard that most facts are made up by the internet. Here are some facts:

George Washington grew heroin leaves

Bamboo has been noted to grow 1000 feet

40% of all men are poisoned daily by their wives at breakfast & given an antidote when they get home each evening.

Coffee grounds are actually ground up cocoa beetles.

Human intestines, when unraveled can be wrapped around the Earth 60 times if pulled taught enough.

Croquet was the first sport to allow janitors to play with royalty and use animals for caddies

A carbon footprint can be made with a boot as well as the bare foot

Kissing can cause high levels of carbonation

Sir Isaac Franklin was the inventor of the apple pie, 3-legged sack races, winking, single-ply toilet paper, radish juice, sponge shoes, "puree" on the blender, trash cans with foot petals, silk worms, ice packs, lamp shades, hand turkeys and wrote many books including "The Great Platypuss Detective", "How Loss 10 Pounds of Fat in One Day", "Residual Carbolic Acid Chronology Tests and How to Ruminate Them: An Alchemist's Guide to the Universe".

Recipe

2010-04-13T08:58:00.000-06:00

I thought of a couple good recipes while sitting in traffic today:

Breakfast Slurry
2 Cookies
2 c of milk
1 blueberry muffin
1 c cereal

mix well and enjoy

Castle Roll Casserole

1 helping of Serbian Egg Casserole
1 helping of cheesy potato casserole
3/4 c Lard

Stir helpings together. Bake at 350 for 4 min.

Scorched Earth

5 T crushed Red Peppers
1 minced chipotle pepper
1 c Chili powder
2 T tabasco
1 diced jalapeno
4 minced habanero peppers
5 c cayenne pepper
1 tsp black pepper

Stir together with boiling water. Drink quickly and chase with Vodka (must be Vodka to correlate with "Scorched Earth")

Weed Terminator

4 qt. used motor oil
1 qt. paint thinner
1 gal. bleach
1 c gasoline
1 T power steering fluid
2 c windex

Mix and shake up. Pour on weeds and rodents. Do not eat!

The Self Perpetuation of the "Pop Up" Kleenex

2010-04-02T10:27:00.000-06:00

The "Pop Up" Kleenex is that Kleenex box designed to pull up a fresh new tissue conveniently waiting for your hand to snatch it next time you need some blownose. It's a great invention really, it keeps you from fumbling around trying to get a hold of one when your nose feels like its oozing off your face.
Ever the conspiracy theorist, I have caught on to the plans of product developers at Kleenex. They devised a cunning scheme: just by tightening the clear plastic membrane that keeps that tissue popped up there, they have created a perpetuation of their product. They realized that the tightness causes a tiny bit of "tissue dust" to rub off of each tissue pulled through the membrane. The faster you yank one out, the better the potential allergens are dispersed in your vicinity. See? Little particles are breathed in and your nasal passages go nuts! Your nose runs like crazy & you think you're having an allergy attack. You yank another one out and the cycle continues.
This also creates a rapid accumulation of dust bunnies around the area of the Kleenex box. So...maybe a way to defeat their wily plan is to stretch that plastic part before you begin use! Damn the Man! Fight the power!!

My Ideas

2010-01-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

*NEW* A T-shirt line for girls called Witty Tittie. On all their their shirts, witty sayings are written across the chest. (SOmetimes I'm glad no one read this blog)

Breed a cow with a coffee plant to get "Already Creamed Coffee"
(Side effects may be coffee flavored beef??)

A genetically modified alarm clock that...that um...(OK I had this bright idea when I woke up one morning and now it doesn't make any sense)

If you're too busy to finish that cup of coffee in the morning, don't dump it out! Leave it on the counter and come back throughout the day for sips of cold coffee!

Have you ever reached for the soap bar off the shower-head rack and dropped it? What if your rack had and extra shelf at the bottom to catch the soap? If the soap landed in there and you tried to grab it again and it slipped out, there could be another shelf below that and so on until it reached the bath faucet. Why didn't you think of that?

Trees that grow paper. These days we are trying to "go green" and recycle everything and reuse as much as possible. People are always saying "Save a tree, recycle this". Well, what if paper grew on trees? We would have an ever renewing source! (Later in the future we could breed these trees with other fibers and even genetically engineer them to grow dollar bills on their branches)

Have you ever pumped yeast into your tires? I haven't. But I would imagine that if you did, the rising property of yeast would causes gasses to release keeping your tires permanently inflated.

Potato chips in the shape of numbers. Then we could literally "crunch the numbers". This will make mathematicians of us all.

Blooper Reel from CVVC Communications Dept.

2009-12-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is Jon, Charity and Josh trying to do a video for the Communications Department at Canyon View Vineyard Church to let the congregation know when the church will be closed for Christmas. Their jobs at CVVC are merely a front for their true occupation: JWU

booooooooooks

2009-11-19T14:32:00.001-07:00

How to Get the Ghost to Leave You Alone

2009-10-30T08:51:00.000-06:00

Some things are very scary: scary movies, scary places (graveyard, cliffs), scary stories,ghosts, demons, aliens, scary music, etc. As a person who thinks a lot (everyday) I try to figure out what makes things scary. And I have decided really it's just how we perceive it all.
If you are at home alone, in the dark and you hear something, maybe a "bump" in the next room, you might be scared. Don't be. It is simply your imagination.
"Okay" you say "But I have experienced much freakier things than a 'bump'".
"Like what?" I say.
"Like voices. I was in one room and heard whispering and NO ONE was home"
"Okay, well that was a poltergeist," I say. You needn't be afraid. Simply show this spook you don't care. For instance, what if he whispered something like "Kill the cat," to you. What if you didn't hear the ghost and you made him repeat himself. He might become a little embarrassed that he's not scaring you and not enunciating properly.
"Kill the cat" he whispers all creepily.
"What?" you ask.
"Kill the-...oh nevermind," and then he goes to the neighbor's house.
Or what about Frank's situation. One foggy October night, Frankie was home alone in his bed upstairs when a noise startled him awake. He looked to the window where he heard it and saw the silhouette of a person at his second story window on the roof of the front awning. Chills ran down his spine as he reached for a baseball bat and flicked the lights on. There was a dead body but it was moving, or rather being moved like a puppet. It reached out and scratched on the glass.
Frank was about to urinate himself when he suddenly thought, 'hey, this doesn't have to be so scary'.
Frank put the bat down and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. Sliding the window open he asked the corpse "What have you come at such a late hour for? Would you like this Mountain Dew?"
And with that, whatever possessed the dead body was taken off guard. It no longer had any power over frank because he wasn't afraid.
The body gurgled out something unintelligible. Frank said "Man, I can't understand you...want to play XBox?"
And so the two of them played Halo until 3:30am when the corpse decided it was time to go back to the graveyard.
How about Roy's story. After a long day a work he returned to his dark lonely apartment in the city. He prepared some microwave dinner and began eating when a noise the hallway jolted him. He looked back there in the dark to see an apparition standing still staring at him. It was the translucent figure of a woman clothed in 1700 era clothing. She simply said "Roy,".
Suddenly he knew how to put himself on the offensive. "Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application". The specter was either offended or thought it was so funny she had to vanish to laugh at it.
Try Dirk's method. Once he was the last person cleaning up behind stage after a play. He knew everyone was gone but from the stage he noticed someone moving up an isle toward the back of the the theater. At first he thought someone was sneaking around and he realized they didn't notice him. He quiet followed the figure and caught up to it. About 5 feet from the person he noticed their feet were moving 10 times faster than their body and in ways that didn't coordinate with the rest of the body. Dirk knew what he would do. He reach forward and layed his hand on the person's shoulder and said "BOO!" in the loudest most booming voice he could. It echoed through the theater and startled the ghost. It quickly vanished, probably in embarrassment.
Ghosts can be your friends. Or actually, my point is that you can... no...actually...they won't laugh, so don't try telling a joke. Try scaring them... I suggest keeping a large bloody knife near by and practicing how to talk like there are other people in you.
I don't really know what I'm talking about, I just made all this up.

BOO!

ha ahahahaha

The Accidental Bad Ass

2009-09-24T09:48:00.000-06:00

bad-ass (adj.)
1. mod.
tough; bad; belligerent. (Usually objectionable.) : Stop acting like such a badass punk!
2. n.
a tough guy; a belligerent and arrogant person, usually a male. : Don't be such a badass all the time.

My name Fletcher, I'm a computer programmer with glasses and a bushy beard. I wear button up shirts tucked into my jeans. I spend a lot of time playing video games and reading books on C++, Java, HTML, etc. I am a nice person and try to usually remain "under the radar" and get along with everyone. I tell you this because what happened today was very strange.
This Monday morning, I realized I hadn't done laundry over the weekend. I was forced to wear a little white T-Shirt I found in the closet. It was really tight and made my skinny body look pretty muscular.
When I went to put on my glasses, a lens popped out & I didn't have time to get it back in. I guess I would have a blurry day. I went to "tidy up" and shave down my side burns a bit. Because of my blurred vision I shaved a huge chunk out of my hair. As I continued to try and "fix" it I ended up making a mess of my hair. The only way to look ok was to shave it all off. After shaving myself bald I realized it looked weird to have a huge beard and so I shaved it into a large goatee.
As I was leaving the house I tripped on the curb and fell into the gutter getting dirt all over my shirt.
When I tried to start my car it sat unmoved and motionless. My neighbor, a Harley guy, happened to see me in frustration and loaned me an old Harley he had in his garage.
So there I was cruisin' down the freeway, a badass. You can call me Fletch.

Waste

2009-07-10T10:04:00.000-06:00

For centuries now we have referred to our excrement as "waste". With this mentality, just think of how much is wasted. When we use the bathroom, we waste 1. Time 2. Water 3. Toilet Paper and most of all 4. Excrement (Urine & Feces)
If we are conscious about this we save Time, save Water, save Toilet Paper and most of all save Excrement.
This is a gross post I know, but we need to raise awareness, even when it's not tasteful.
How can we not waste time in bathroom? Well, when you're going #2, read a book. This way you using valuable time to learn. Also eat lots of fiber so the process moves along quickly. When going number 1, you don't really have time to read, so just make it as efficient as possible. Zip your pants down as you are closing the door and turning the light on. Invent new technologies while urinating.
How can we not waste water in the bathroom? Well, a brick in the toilet or saving pee (which is gross) Be efficient and use that water as much as possible before you flush. Maybe, (if you're brave) you can drink some, brush your teeth and wash up in the clean water. Then do your business and finally flush.
How can we save toilet paper? Use one square, both sides and buy thestuff that is so thin you can see through it.
How can we not waste excrement? I have been trying to figure this one out. I noticed we waste a LOT of urine many times a day (especially if you're a coffee drinker like me) Why can't collect all our urine in one big tank and use it to power a hydroelectric generator (I guess it would be Urinelectric)? Free power.
Feces, is grosser and more difficult not to waste. Some people have learned how to burn it or something to make it into fuel. I'm just too grossed out by it to really want to look at it or smell it. So I'll let someone else figure it out. It probably would be too hard to put it all into a rocket and launch it into outter space.
Maybe there's a way to degrossify it? Someone should figure that out. Gosh I hate poop.

How to Become A Legend

2009-07-08T09:55:00.000-06:00

Having become somewhat notorious and controversial myself, I have learned some tips & tricks on how to become a legend.
Everyone wants to be a legend. Not true. Most people are content to seek lot's of money and things and fame like "normal" people. A legend is more about being a real super hero. You want to be the stuff of myths, here's how:
1. Be eccentric. This in a sense means being strange and different. Wear some glasses that no one else has. Make up your own style of clothes and wear them ALL the time. Never be mundane.

2. Make up your own accent. Don't be too crazy with it cause people need to believe it. And it won't be a lie cause it's yours and it's real.

3. Get involved in something you really like and do the "hell" out of it. If it's writing, write novels, books, papers, articles and blogs. If it's art, paint, draw, sculpt, go to art shows, sell your work and publish it. If it's... If you don't currently like anything then find something preferably wild such as baking with chimps and then you go out there and bake the HELL out of those chimps.

4. Learn how to do something spectacular like being able to wrestle a moose or being able to jump pretty high. Suggestions:
Learn a dazzling card trick
Always have candy in your pocket to give to kids
Base jump
Smoke Jump
Ride you bike with no hands
Ollie
Drive a tractor

5. Travel. Legends have "been there" "done that". Every weekend you should be driving at least 50 miles to see new things. Also the more people who see your face, the more famouser you are.

6. Be nice to everyone you meet*. You need to become BFFs with almost everyone in the world.
*Except #7

7. You will have an enemy. Make sure your struggles with your enemy are known publicly.

8. Befriend the commissioner.

9. Have a secret identity. Wear big sunglasses and a hat and maybe a bandanna over your mouth when you go out.

10. Write a theme song about yourself and have it recorded but make it look like a fan made it.

11. Make up your own language.

12. Help people in need always.

13. Have a method for everything and teach it to your "pupils"

14. Tell "proverbs" and make them sound like contradictions like "To do, one must first NOT do"

k, i have to pee

Michael Jackson

2009-07-03T11:31:00.000-06:00

I remember Michael Jackson. When I was a kid, there were Michael Jackson Pepsi commercials and MTV videos. There was also always Michael Jackson on the radio. All the kids were listening to Michael Jackson, dressing like Michael Jackson, trying to dance like Michael Jackson, etc. Even I myself moonwalked mimicking the King of Pop. I think the most played song was probably Beat It by Michael Jackson. I remember in the late 80's and early 90's watching Michael Jackson start to turn white. Michael Jackson was Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was Invincible. Michael Jackson was so ubiquitous that you could use "Michael Jackson" as a substitute word. Like I could Michael Jackson and you would Michael Jackson. In fact, the more I Michael Jackson, the more Michael Jackson you could Michael Jackson. So Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson. And finally Michael Jackson, Michael JacksonMichael Jackson...Michael Jackson-Michael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael JacksonMichael Jackson

Michael Jackson is Still Alive

2009-07-02T09:38:00.000-06:00

Michael Jackson died one week ago today. I don't believe he is dead. Everyone thought Elvis died too but now we all know he's alive. I think if we've learned anything from the X Files, it's that there are paranormal powers out there. We know Michael had a strong tie to Elvis because he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. (My own mom went to high school at White Haven located just down the street from Graceland). AND where do you think MJ got the idea for Neverland? From Graceland! (Well, OK I guess Peter Pan had some to do with it)But think about it, Never Never Land was about never getting older. Jacko never got older! Elvis was the King of Rock & Roll, James Brown was the King of Funk, Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. James Brown is Dead (I learned that from L.A. Style before he was dead, but Holy Noise told us he was Still Alive, but he is dead now)
Most people don't know Jackson's skin turned white because he of a traumatic experience (not the Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire) He was abducted by Caucasian Aliens. They were racist Caucasian Aliens who wanted to make him into a white person. They were also feminist and turned him into a woman. MJ was victimized by Caucasian Feminist Aliens.
I thought MJ was talented and a pretty sweet dancer.
He is still alive and they are harboring him on the moon. This was where he learned the moonwalk. He is happy there on the moon.
Drink Pepsi.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2009-04-28T15:30:00.000-06:00

One little boy was noted as having said "Gramma, I don't want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,". Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.

Cannibal Big Horn Sheep

2009-04-28T15:23:00.001-06:00

There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that's when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn't move but i was floppin' around like a fish out of water. Then I saw 'em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that's the only reason I'm still alive to tell about it.

My Own Deep Thoughts (Circa 2002)

2009-04-06T22:57:00.000-06:00

A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber.

Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain.

The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.

My Own Deep Thoughts II

2009-04-06T10:29:00.000-06:00

Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don't laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.

They say "Your real character is who you are when no one is looking". I guess I'm a booger pickin', nude, nose hair pluckin', wedgie pullin' moron.

Maybe the question shouldn't be "The Chicken or the Egg?" but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?

Everyone always asks, "Why is the sky blue?". I have always wondered "How does the sky stay up there?"

My Own Deep Thoughts

2009-03-25T15:32:00.001-06:00

Jack Handy had some deep thoughts. I had some of my own thoughts:

If I ever become Mayor, I’m going to have the city begin paving a road to nowhere. By the time they figure out I duped them I will have made off with the keys to the city.

Next time you’re on a bike ride with your grandma, I think it would be funny to jam a stick in her spokes. No, that wouldn’t be funny. But it would be funny if she did it to you.

Think about, Aliens aren’t really that mysterious. Flying? We can do that. Going to other planets? So can we. Cutting our heads open and blasting out the brain matter with water or air? So can we!

Area Man Gives Up Writing: Cites The Onion

2008-12-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

GRAND JUNCTION, CO - Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. "The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called "Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies", and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere," he said. When asked whether his fears were founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, "No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I've ever written...I just figured they probably already did it." Anderson, will give up imme

Finally it Happened to Me

2008-12-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I have some uncanny knowledge about terrestrials and their older wiser relatives, extraterrestrials. I have speculated the writings of many people who have seen UFOs, "aliens", bigfoots, lockness monsters, boogy men, ghosts, vampires, mummies, frankensteins, greys, reptillians, excedrin. You may remember me begging them to lay eggs in my head. Well, it has finally happened, I was abducted.
It all began one day when I hit my head extremely hard. Although it hurt really bad I was good to go. Some kid saw some blood on me though and called an ambulance. I'm not sure if the kid was real. I do know that the "paramedics" (more like "paranormals") were not human because they were so calm and efficient. Humans would have been panicking. The ambulance, which was more likely a "Q34 Morrayzip" or space-car, took me to their mothership. They rammed probes into my arms. The even put a probe in my [CENSORED].
Days and nights on their ship were all a blur to me because they euthanized me. They did countless tests on me and may even have taken a kidney. Once they gave me the cliche anal probe. The aliens didn't speak English, rather they spoke directly to my occipital lobes which my mind translated to American.
There was one guy, looking remarkably human, who was like the main guy (like a main character in a movie). He told me there was a fracture in my spine (yeah right, so I wouldn't wonder about the pain caused by the chip they implanted in my neck!) He said they would retain me and observe me.
Many days passed full of these "tests" and "observations". One day, having had enough of this, I sprinted for the door. I went all over that mothership and could not find a way out! I did however see they had taken a BUNCH of other humans...hundreds.
Finally one day it was time for them to harvest my organs and then drop me in a farmer's field with cows they had taken organs from (Remember, you must drink Organic milk and eat ORGANIC beef! The other stuff has had its organs stolen!!! Same with organic cheese and butter)
They wheeled me into a strange cold room on a rolling bed-like gurney. One of them must have punched me in the face, because I was knocked out for the entire procedure (also, I had a fat lip when I woke up)...don't know what I did to piss him off.
When I woke up, they released me in a parking garage somewhere. When I got home I examined myself closely starting with my toes. I saw blood dots on my feet where their sharp fangs must have sucked my blood. There were more on my stomach and arms. When I got to my neck, a chill ran down my spine. There was an apparatus around my whole neck!! I took it off to see a bandage covering something. I ripped the bandage off to see stitches across a 2 or three inch slit!!! OMG I thought. They harvested something out of my neck!!! My mind raced to think of what they took!! My trachea? My esophagus? No....they took my voice box!!!!! I tried to talk and my voice sounded...normal...weird, somehow I can talk without it. I'm not sure why they put this thing on my neck, but I put it back on for fear that the incision will burst and expose my esophagus and trachea to open air which will cause them to dry out and shrivel up.
OK, well, that's what happened to me. It's unbelievable, I know - I was there. I plan on writing a book about it called Communion II:Revenge of the Greys. Look for it wherever great books are sold. And I will sign it too.

Obama Nation

2008-10-17T23:03:00.000-06:00

Wow politics are heated right now and it's because of George W. Bush. It is W's fault that, Gore lost in 2000, his oil companies caused global warming which caused minute temperature changes which led to hanging chads. Global Warming also caused Saddam Husein to make W think he had WMDs and W wanted to avenge his daddy so he paid some Arabs who hate the US to run planes into the twin towers destroying a large chunk of NYC. Afghanistan, and Iraq are W's fault and it all made Cheney so nervous he shot his buddy in the face. And guess what, McPalin....er Palin...I mean McCain looks kinda like George Bush, and he's a Republican and we don't want anything resembling Bush, so we need CHANGE! Or Change we need! Plus if you vote for McCain you must feel a little racist because your missing the chance to elect our first black president. (In 2013 hopefully we can have our first Latino....actually scratch that, make that Native American, they've been waiting longer) Anyway, I heard there is a possibility of Jim Laden becoming secretary of state- so my campaign sign will read Obama Bidin Laden. So good luck Barrack Husein, try not to kill too many babies and everything will be OK, besides McCain will probably keel over before his 4 years is up....wait, that means....*gasp* first woman president! Ah crap! This is really about first black president vs. first woman president....how do we choose???
JUST KIDDING ABOUT ALL THIS HA HA!!!!
OK, now that you've read through all that mudslinging I know you are truely one of the faithful! That was all a front, just like politics is a front in real life!! That's right, this is all as my friend put it "a horse & pony show" to keep us distracted from what really matters. Are you ready forthis? Reptillians, a race of extrterestials has infiltrated America and they are on the verge of a complete take over. There is now an estimated 9:1 ratio of reptillians to humans residing in the U.S. Look around you, if you in a group of 10 people, YOU are the only human!!! Be careful!!! Watch what you say. Disguise messages with political agendas, this has proven to throw them off your trail. Remember, look at their pupils first. If they are slits like a cat, REPTILLIAN!

My name is Yosh and I approve of this message.

Paid for by the comittee to re-elect George W. Bush

Evidence of Punctuated Equilibrium

2008-10-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

The founders of Punctuated Equilibrium Theory "Eldredge and Gould proposed that the degree of gradualism championed by Charles Darwin was virtually nonexistent in the fossil record, and that stasis dominates the history of most fossil species." (Wikipedia)
Basically in earth words "There is is no evidence of evolution in the fossil record, therefore species 'popped' into existence every once in a while." I TOLD YOU! Did I not propose 'The Popping Theory'? Anyway, as with any theory, it is just a theory until you find or make objective proof. Yesterday I was on a hike in nature when it happened! A new species POPPED into existence! I heard a loud snap (as one would expect when new matter suddenly forces itself into time & space). Suddenly there was this small squirrel like creature with antlers skittering over the rocks. OK, I didn't actually see the antlers, but I saw enough petrified bones laying around to easily assume they could be put together to build this animal. OK, none of this really happened, but I am hopeful. Punctuated Equilibrium is bound to happen anytime soon.
Can you do me a favor? If you see any unknown species of animal either just "popping" into existence or maybe showing up in a litter of puppies, please call me 270-9038. This will be big news, you will be famous.

This is....

2008-09-22T08:26:00.001-06:00

This is where the hole is when you snort coke.

WARNING! GIANT BEAST COMING!!

2008-09-19T14:50:00.000-06:00

Apparently pretty recently, a huge monster attacked and destroyed New York City. I saw the video tape they recovered from a guy who was taping his friend's going away party. I am wondering why we haven't seen ANYTHING on the news about this? It's a cover up! That thing and its babies are probably marching through every city and killling everything and headed out here to the west and the government is keeping it a secret! Why...because they obviously accidentally created it in a cold fusion experiment. They were trying to fuse atoms into chemical weapons to use on Osama Bib Laden when it got too cold and created an atmosphere much like the primordial soup of early earth. A small electric shock (even someone scuffing their socks on the carpet) set off a chemical reaction throwing evolution into play (most people don't realize how simple it is to a start evolution into motion- many accidental random things can start it off). It wasn't long before a thousand foot tall beast was rising out of the water in the Hudson Bay area. He was likely looking for a gym to become the fittest in order to survive-ha ha just kidding.
Anyway, I'm drawing up some flyers warning of the beast that will soon make its way here that I will make millions of copies of that I will start stapling to phone poles and taping up in grocery stores. People need to start hearing about this.
One can only imagine what a thousand foot accidental species could do. From the video it looks like it can shoot fire balls and seemed to be a formidable opponent to the US Army. It also seems to be reproducing rapidly.

PS Keep your video cameras rolling in order to document its destruction for the survivors of your town.

The Atom Smasher is Beginning to End the World

2008-09-10T09:27:00.000-06:00

I only found out about his thing last night. the HDL I mean Large Hadron Collider. If you have heard, this is a machine under the border of France and Switzerland that is huge.
The only thing it does is smash atoms together and it cost millions. I don't know why these "scientists" think they're so smart. It's easy to smash atoms with a hammer. I have done it. I know I have swung a hammer hard enough to break things, and these things are made of billions of tiny atoms. I have noticed that nothing significant happened when I have done this. No "big bang scenario" happened.
This leads me to believe there is reason the LHC costs billions of dollars. The reason is that their machine is highly dangerous. Some have predicted the machine will create black holes. They turned it on this morning at midnight my time. Many people have said nothing happened. I, however, have begun to notice many things that precede a mass implosion which means we are in the final hours of existence.

My observations of the effects of the HCL:

Rain (I don't remember it raining on September 10th last year)
Phlegm in my throat caused by high radio frequencies
Lower back pain from radiation that is just now reaching the U.S.
A dead fish in my fish tank from toxic free radicals
A sense of lethargy in me and likely my co-workers
I can feel a slight pull eastward toward France where the black hole is gaining energy
A dimming of light in my office that is being sucked into the black hole
Ever so slightly you can tell the Earth is getting lighter as mass is "gobbled up" by the black hole
Global Warming
The melting of polar ice caps
People not willing to recycle
Higher taxes (and they will only rise when the US builds its own CFC)
Starvation among people groups with little or no food
AIDS
Human Papaloma Virus
Gas prices rising rapidly to cover the energy bill from turning this thing on
Wars are being fought in many countries near there
Russia is jealous of France so they decided to "pick on" Georgia (don't worry Georgia, the south will rise again)
IEDs made from unused LCH parts.

These are only the bad things! Other effects include (in a few months) an understanding of the Origin of Species (a controversial book by Charles Darwin). They have begun a chain reaction that will end up beginning a new universe! This is exciting as anyone alive to day will get to witness the whole process of evolution right before our eyes! We will see first a BANG!!!!! that will hurt our ears. Then we will see primordial ooze coming from the LHC. One day lightning will then strike it and we will begin watching amino acids give birth to embryo's that will soon swim out and become monkeys. I think we need to be careful and abort these babies before they evolve into fully thinking intelligent humans because they will have a bunch of stupid philosophical questions for us like "Are you God?" and "Where did we come from?" and we'll be like "You came from the LHC" and they will ask where we came from and then we will have to tell them about the LHC that birthed us. "It was a much less...ummm mechanical...one...it was one that wasn't built by man. It built itself out of nothing. " And then before they ask how that's possible we'll have to distract them by saying "Look! Behind you! A Jelly Doughnut!" and then run to where they can't find us.
Abort the LHC babies! Vote democrat!

The Popping Theory

2008-08-13T16:48:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I am boggled by quote “scientists”. While studying the origin of life they are having a real problem trying to understand where it all came from in the beginnning. They are also trying to figure out how things morph over time to create new things/animals etc. It's so easy to come up with a theory. Here is my theory, it is called The Popping Theory. Basically things just "pop" out of nothing into existence. This explains things like the Cambrian Explosion. It explains why they are having a hard time finding fossils that link monkeys to man. If you think about it, it makes much more sense if things just "popped" into existence.

E Paper and the Coming Controversy

2008-08-11T10:30:00.001-06:00

I heard on a podcast today that "they" have discovered E Paper. This is paper that is basically like a computer screen and so they can use it for magazine covers and animated covers. Pretty soon I'm sure it will be thin enough to be every page of the magazine. Now we can watch our magazines rather then read them, thank goodness....I thought the age of reading was never going to end. Oops...that affects this blog. I guess we better work on making this blog into it's movie version - not so much because it needs to work on E Paper, but because it won't be too long before society has done away with reading completely (it is a quite archaic way of communicating anyway) (I mean, just think of how long its taking me to type this by pushing each individual key for every letter, if I acted this all out it would be much easier)
There is one small problem with E Paper is that it takes power. That means fossil fuels or something. And I have heard about how the ozone is depleting or depreciating or what ever. Fossil fuels are made from melting dinosaur bones which there can only be so many of. The next animal whose bones we use may actually need to be non-extinct. I guess we would pick the most useless animals first (probably the Tea Cup Poodle) but once we extinct them we will need to move on to ugliest animals. I can foresee the moral debate here as many humans will be considered. But really, they should sacrifice themselves for the good of all. Technology must march forward.

The Hollowed Out Horse Episode

2008-08-09T01:51:00.000-06:00

That Survivor Guy on the Discovery Channel has put himself through some rigorous experiences. Tonight I was watching him in this mountainous area where it rained a lot. He was getting cold and needed to make a fire. He was really struggling. If I was in this situation I know exactly what I would do. I would find a horse and hollow it out and climb inside. I have heard this is one of the best ways to keep yourself warm. Survivor Guy should know this. I think I will write and/or call the Discovery Channel and inform them of this well known survival tactic. Maybe it will be in a future episode of Survivor Guy. It will probably be pretty controversial, but will go down in history and be known as the Hollowed Out Horse Episode. It was my idea, K - you read it here first.

The Neighbor's Incorrigible Dog

2008-07-28T16:19:00.000-06:00

He's about the size of our cat, that neighbor's dog with his hoarse non-intimidating bark. He's usually fenced in the backyard but somehow he manages to poop in my front yard. Sometimes there is deer poop in my back yard.
One day (I can't really remember if this is a dream or not) he came over and I saw him getting ready to crap. I opened the front door expecting him to bolt. But no, he was so sure he was right that he stayed there looking at me. I said to him, "C'mon-look, you've nearly covered my front yard in your fecal matter!" And he was like, "Look, I know you all hate me over here but I would like to believe you can look past your raw hatred. Maybe 'dislike' is a more accurate word? I mean, after all, it is only stool and is a part of nature. This shouldn't warrant all-out hatred -I mean, you and I could be friends. I believe you'd understand my point of view if you weren't so biased. Biased by your own use of toilets and your bipedal tendencies. You know, I really think you humans must think you're superior just because you can do arithmetic and what not. Arithmetic is not even that amazing-I mean, who really needs it when they grow up anyways?" He spoke in a weird sort of half-daze almost like he didn't really believe what he was saying or maybe he was bored of what he was saying. Then I realized this was all an elaborate distraction when I saw his pile of dookie.
OK, I'm pretty sure that was dream. But seriously do you follow his logic?

I'm Pretty Smart and Experienced

2008-07-18T09:01:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking, and I realized that I'm pretty smart and I have done a lot of things. I'm actually one of the wiser and more experienced people on Earth. You might be wondering how I know this. It is a feeling I have. I just know. Like, I seem to know a lot about things that I don't hear other people ever talking about. For instance, I seem to see and understand that robots are growing in intelligence and numbers. A take over is imminent if we don't heed the warning signs.
Also, I have done many things. Just this weekend I floated the river. Where was everyone else? Sitting at home playing video games I suppose. No one else was out there on the river....well, except several kayaking lesbians. Here are things I have done lately that I bet you haven't:

Rode my bike
Made spaghetti sauce
Drove to Rifle
Pondered the birds
Wrote this blog
Made a Podcast
Ran
Watched Planet Earth on a big screen
Called a girl
Played mini golf
Watched a comedian on YouTube
Ate out
Watched movies
I have traveled all over this town and know it like the bottom of my hand

That is only stuff I have done in the last few months. I realize there are not things like, military experience, sky diving, swimming with the dolphins, traveling to far away countries, saving children from burning buildings, etc. but come one, how many people really do those things? Not many. In real life, real experiences are more like "Playing mini golf".
So if life confuses you, ask me your question and I will draw on my vast experience and knowledge to give you a hypothetical rhetorical rebuttal to your musings. (See, I bet you don't even know what half those words are)

Donate to Help Inter-Galactic Life

2008-06-30T14:51:00.000-06:00

There is a debate out there right now whether aliens are good or bad or whether there are both kinds. Some people believe they come bearing gifts (mainly of technology) some believe they are coming to harvest things from us (such as hormones). I can't believe in the former. It is too hard to picture these "little green men" from outter space landing in their little spaceship and popping the doors open and saying 'Look! we brought you the Apple Mac G15'. No way. They just look too evil to be that nice. Plus, what are the laser guns on their ship for? Be rational people.
No, I believe they have much nobler scientific pursuits in mind. If you think about it, we humans are composed of many many good substances that promote life and energy and certain types of combustion. As in a recent blog of mine we are also almost perfect incubators for their eggs. They use mind control to get us to do what they want, even to the point of writing favorably about them. So, think about your:

hormones,
your blood,
your sweat,
your tears,
your digestives enzymes,
your fecal matter
urine
saliva
bacteria
snot
bile
boogers
aqueous fluid
inter-organal fluid
electrolytes
swelling fluid when you're hurt
gas
flantabimal fluid
burp
spit
loogy (not sure the scientific term)
mucous
etc.

and imagine how they could use these fluids. I mean, are you really using them anyway? Really. Their planet and life in general could be greatly improved. So think about how you can sacrifice and help them. I am willing to donate any and all fluids. Especially urine.
Think about it.

The Amazingness of Google Earth

2008-06-25T14:52:00.000-06:00

For those of you that don't know, there is an entire picture of the world from Space Sattellites (floating inventions by scientists) Everywhere has been photographed and you can go to Google Maps and type in where you are and see an above view of where you are.
The images can be several years old.
For this reason I have subjected myself to standing motionless, gazing skyward (or in this case sattlliteward) with a large grin on my face in my front yard for 3-5 hours a day during midday.
Surely the probability of being photographed by a Google Sattlleite is probable.

Please Please Lay Eggs in My Head

2008-06-24T16:51:00.000-06:00

Today's blog is not really for humans to read (but if you do, that's cool.) This is addressed to you beings from other planets, greys, aliens, extra terrestrials, or some even call you "Little Green Men". Okay. I know you are out there. I have seen almost every episode of the X Files and therefore have a good knowledge of how you work, what you look like and your purposes. I want to first establish communication with you as peaceful. I mean you no harm and am really intrigued by your species. I am honored that you have chosen Earth to study and am even to the point of being quite envious of the humans you have contacted you might say I am "green with envy", ha ha, I'm the little green man! Ha ha (sorry, a little Earth humor there). Anyway, please know that I am more than willing to offer myself to your studies (as long as you don't kill me and please no anal probes)
I am aware that many of your people are looking for host bodies for your eggs. I am willing to let you ram your ovary depositor down my throat and lay your eggs in my chest, or maybe put them in my head. I know this may cause pain and erratic behavior on my behalf, but is for the good of the unification of our species. I would be honored. Please inform me as to all the physical effects and details of this surrogate process. How do you deposit the eggs in my head? How do you past my skull? Do you use a drill? Do you use anesthetics? Is the enough room in my head between brain and skull? If not you may discard portions of my brain that I don't use (or better yet graft them onto one of your fellow being's brain to enhance him) When the eggs hatch, do the babies (or pups?) chip their way through my skull? Or do they squirm above my cerebral cortex until until they find an open orifice through which to birth? This could be my eye, nose, ear or mouth opening. I'm sure I will have to take a sick day that day as anyone witinessing this may become nauseous and vomit or urinate themselves.
OK, thanks friends.
PS Let me know if there is paper work to fill out.
K, bye.

Shootin' Things

2008-06-23T09:38:00.000-06:00

At JWU Industries, we like to stay well armed and practiced in our fire arms. It is in this way that our band stays free. We can and will fight for our right to be the kind of band we have become when we left England.

Area Man Overloads the Internet

2008-06-17T09:24:00.000-06:00

by Yosh Anderson for the Monthly Waste
GRAND JUNCTION, CO - The World Wide Web was shut down for 2 hours last night at 2:49am as Internet Technicians worked furviously to remedy the problem. The problem? 34 year old Richard Drakeson is cited as the one man responsible for "filling up" the internet.
"I think I realized the problem as I had just finished uploading the Drakeson family photo archive on Photobucket after maxing out my accounts at Flickr, MySpace and Facebook. My computer slowed down and I thought it was just my internet connection. Then I proceeded to upload all 480 of my Blue Ray DVDs onto a private FTP as well every home video any Drakeson has ever made onto YouTube," Drakeson told the Press "Suddenly I got an error message reading 'Warning: The file being copied is too large for the World Wide Web. Please delete files and retry'. I thought that was preposterous, so I retried at which point my computer froze,"
Drakeson then called his personal computer tech who told him all of his clients had the same problem. It wasn't long before they began to realize the dilemma was affecting the entire Web.
"I've never seen anything like this. [Richard] had some damn big files he was uploading," commented Arron Doyle, Drakeson's personal computer technician.
Around 5am this morning a team of 500 technicians working over telephone line were able to get reserve servers up that used Beta Rogue software to find Drakeson's offending files and delete them.
"The largest file was what appeared to be roughly ten years of home videos, mostly of mistaken footage when someone didn't realize the camera was on," commented Mark Rigllhutz, a software technician working out of Silicon Valley "Once we got those videos off YouTube the internet began to fire up all over the world again,".
"I want to apologize to the world for crashing whole darn thing and well...Cokes are on me, everyone,"
-email Yosh at rawar777@yahoo.com

MyFace.com

2008-06-16T11:00:00.000-06:00

I'm sick of having a Facebook AND a MySpace, but you have to in order to get the best of both worlds! So here is my proposition: MyFace. All the features from both social networking sites + more ABOUT ME section and a BIGGER profile section. Let people see more of you and want you more!!! Your friends won't help being drawn to your profile to check up on the latest about you! You will have to fight off members of the opposite sex because they will be falling in love with you!!! YOU YOU YOU!

The Kitchbot is Here! DANGER

2008-06-09T17:00:00.000-06:00

I am so excited. I was listening to Relevant Podcast today and they read the news article of a kitchen bot that looks like a giant refrigerator and moves around very slowly cleaning your kitchen. It moves slowly for quote "safety reasons" but I agree with the Relevant guys that it is to stop it from annihilating humans. I had a refrigerator threaten my life once and it traumatized me so I would be all for limiting what robots have the power to do. Like, I mean, they should be able to do our work for us, but say if they were using scissors, then we should only make their hands able to pick up rounded end scissors, you know? Or maybe if we needed their help with hunting, the gun that the robot uses would be a small caliber, like a .22 so if he decided to shoot you it would be less likely to kill you.

Atrocity

2008-04-10T16:24:00.000-06:00

Charity spent weeks raising these sea monkeys and...and...well...just watch the video...

Maybe You've Hd This Happen

2008-03-28T15:51:00.000-06:00

I was biting into a slice of piping hot Totino's pizza with a copy Matheson's I Am Legend in my left hand. I was deeply immersed in in the story in an attempt figure out how I would defeat the vampires if I were there. Now I can't remember the brilliant idea that began to emerge because it was profoundly interrupted by the sound of cracking and splitting wood. It took a split second to realize the sound was coming from the walls of my little 2 bedroom house.
My head snapped up and immediately focused on the strange scene unfolding outside. My eyes were fixed on my front lawn shrinking as I and my house were being lifted from it into the sky. A panic shot through my torso.
I got out of my chair and ran on the shifting floor to the window. I could not even begin to believe what I saw. By now my house and I were near 1000 feet off the ground. Most shocking of all though, were the fleshy legs of an enormous being that I now understood to be the perpetrator of this event. I now felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. I had now idea the face of this being, or worse, his intentions.
Before I really even believed this was happening I saw a khaki landscape with a very near horizon seem to rise up under the house. There was a soft brown grass on most of my new yard. Then I saw the sky suddenly go from pale blue to dark navy. It seemed like the being had jumped off of the Earth and had taken us in to orbit.

To be continued...

Devolution

2008-03-24T15:59:00.000-06:00

I'm probably not the first to think of this, but to steak my claim-I'm planning on writing a novel called The Theory of Devolution. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands...but I think a better inspiration would be a city somewhere. A city where humans have devolved the most. It would have to be a city where self and instant-gratification have run amok. I want the city where Jerry Springer is taped, the city with the most Wal Marts & McDonalds per capita, the city where people write reality TV shows and commercials. I want the city where, if you're not playing video games or creating them, then you're actively affiliated with a gang and spend your time snorting blow. A city where corruption is not a derogatory term, but a type of government. I think the city will be called Las HollyVegaswood.
I will go there and figure out how to live on well-fare and food-stamps and see if someone will put me up in their trailer house. I will live on a daily diet of Mountain Dew and chili cheese Fritos and own no less than 8 dogs and 5 cats. I also hope to have several "project" cars out in the front lawn. I will try hard to cease caring about anyone but myself-cause, hey-I'm a victim. A victim of society. It's my friend's fault for making smoking look cool. And it's TV's fault for making me buy more beer. It seems like too, that white males are being held back anymore these days. That's why I won't try to go to college. It's OK though, I got this email from a Nigerian guy who is going to give me like $50 million if I let him deposit his $100 million in my bank account so he can come to the USA. So it's cool scrow. Whycome you gotta be mad doggin' me like that?

Spring is in the Ear

2008-03-21T16:44:00.000-06:00

Spring is in the air. You know I have really never understood this term. Why do we call this time of the year Spring? Probably has something to do with springs which indicates the invention of springs goes back pretty far. And I know if you push down on them, they fly into the air..... Or maybe someone meant "ear"...spring is in the ear. Have you ever got a spring in your ear? I have. Mostly on purpose. OK-go have fun in the spring. Bounce or something. I don't know...stop staring at me.

The Internet Told Me

2008-02-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

The internet is quite an amazing thing. But really we shouldn't call it a "thing". I mean, after all, it has more combined knowledge than most people - therefore we should refer to it as a him or her. That's what I find freaky. Soon technology will be using that voice dial feature on your cell phone right on your computer. Then you can ask her (the internet) questions. "Hey Internet, how far is South Havana Motor company from here?" or "How come I've never heard of Brian Doerksen before?" and her CPU will automatically Google your question and she will tell you the answer. Somebody will ask you "Where is the 1st Lumbar Nerve?" and you will say "Hey Internet, where is the first Lumber Nerve?" and she will say "Somewhere in the forest," and you will tell your friend and they will be like "Dang, you're smart, how'd you know that?" and you'll be like "The Internet told me"
That's scary because then she will access her logic chip and she will think of EVERYTHING before you. How annoying. "Oh I need to email Mary and tell her I called Jaime," you will say. "No need," the Internet will say "I have already emailed Mary. I also noticed your refrigerator was low on the following items: Ketchup, Milk, Lettuce, Juice and Cheese. I have placed an order to Wal Mart.com and the items will be delivered Friday at 10am. Also, you're carpet was beginning to be high in dirt content, so I ordered your vacuum-bot to clean the carpet."
"Wow, internet, I love you. Good night, sleep good."

We Can Fight the Invasion!

2008-02-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I just read the news about the US shooting down its own spy satellite. Now, I'm not one of those goofy hair-brained conspiracy theorists, but this event smells to high heavens of a conspiracy. First of all, how the hell does our technologically advanced government lose control of several million dollar top secret satellite? Second of all, if they did why can't they send a bomb to first attach itself and THEN detonate? Or a robot to dismantle it or just fly it back to earth? Oh wait-I just got a word from or producer-the satellite's tape deck got stock playing White Lion on a continuous loop and was broadcasting it to every radio station on earth. Apparently Japan was the only country that didn't vote to blow it up.
So there was definitely a conspiracy going on. I used my brain power and inductive reasoning to realize that this satellite was being used to make Elmo dolls say "Kill James" or "Kill ___" whomever. Think of it! Using Elmo dolls to tell kids to kill whomever needed to die. Using this satellite they built an army of kids to do their bidding. This is definitely the best way to defeat the Illumanati of Reptillian and Chicken people. (I say chicken, but they could just as much be goose, turkey or any type of bird as noted by their "goosebumps" on their skin-especially when they are cold)
You Grand Junctionites know one of their prominent people as well as I do-we call him "Bird Man" and he is often seen on Grand Ave. throwing bird seed out to his less evolved people. I have been hoping for our police or someone to monitor him, but it looks like I will need to do it myself. It won't take long for him to lead us to the Turkey People's secret lair here in Junction (the main one being under DIA in Denver).
I'm willin' to betcha it's under the Alpine Bank. They like to use conspicuous buildings because the best place to hide something is in plain site. Also I have heard a "turkey gobble" once when walking by the Alpine Bank. Keep your ears open for this. Also look out for triangle shaped objects flying in the sky, particularly around that bank.

Ways to Thwart the Turkey People

Eat chicken noodle soup
Bath in broth
Wear "hush puppies" in order to sneak up on them
Identify them and mark them so we all know who they are (post it notes work well)
Pay attention to people who spend too much time in the bird isle at the pet store
Sometime if you make the sound of a prop plane around them it will scare them
Keep the heat low in your house - the colder the better so as to remind them of a feezer
Celebrate Thanksgiving-they HATE this day as we gather with families and eat their people
Support the airlines (this pisses off the bird people because humans have learned to fly)
Get a cat as a pet (they love to eat birds)

Our Existence Explained!

2008-02-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Everything make so much sense now! I'm listening to UFO Paranormal Radio and finally I understand our origins, Atlantis, Hell, UFO's, Hades, Reptillian People, Autism (dolphins trapped in human bodies), sasquatches (bear/human hybrid) etc. Us humans(mamillions) are actually invaders of this planet.
There are 130 or more subterranian bases here in North America where people are being killed by the Reptillians and these stories are covered up as "mine accidents"! The Reptillians can shape shift to look like humans and they have formed secret sects. Have you ever seen someone with Reptillian looking eyes? Those people are not human! They're shape shifted Reptillians!! Don't trust them! You know all the pictures of the devil you've seen? That's a Reptillian! All this knowledge is blowing my mind!
I'm so scared right now. I had already thought that cats were an advanced star people with a higher form of communication than our own. It is so obvious how snide they are. It is also pretty obvious how closely related they are to porpoises and thus autistic children. I saw a YouTube video of a guy who could draw a bird's eye view of Rome after a 15 minute helicopter ride. That is not human! Come on people! This stuff is all right in front of us! Don't be blind! Here are other things I've observed:

Birds flying in triangle pattern (the same shape as many UFO's)
Unexplained scars on my body that look like they were caused by reptiles
Many people in public acting in a zombie-like manner
The similarity of our skin to feathers (where do you think goose bumps came from?)
Animals looking at me curiously betraying a higher intelligence
A disappearance of bananas from my kitchen counter
How the placenta seems to be some sort of "belly" tail on the human (doctors have been cutting the wrong end for thousands of years)
Snowmen that are too tall to possibly have been built by humans
Inventions way too complicated for normal humans to have made

What Does My Dream Mean?

2008-02-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

We all have dreams, as the AV Bear once wrote, but do our dreams mean anything?
A couple of nights ago I dreamt about Mary Kate and Ashley Kate Olsen riding a "pocket rocket" (a miniature motorcycle)
What does this mean?
I will attempt to translate this dream, but please comment this blog and tell me what you think it means!
I think the motorcycle in this dream symbolizes my "need for speed" if you will....or maybe transportation...or possibly that I will be given a motorcycle soon by someone reading this blog... the Olsen twins symbolize my need to date a twin...or maybe that I have a twin brother seperated at birth(that would explain the scar on my hip). The fact that they are celebrities means I will be famous someday. The girls sucked at driving the thing which says to me that the human race is beginning to fail at overall motor skills, eye/hand coordination and brain to body communication. We are devolving and celebrities are leading humanities devolution on pocket rockets.

It's Time/The Time is Now

2008-02-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

We've been pondering and discussing for too long now. I, for one, am tired of us just sitting here on our collective tooshes talking about doing stuff and then doing nothing. The time is now, let's take action. Rally the troops! Call your friends. Call your family. Call your representative. No more inaction starting now. What would MLK think of our inaction? Ghandi?

Make pickett signs
Buy a bullhorn
Write your Congressman
Write the President
Write foreign dignitaries
Conserve
Argue with people
Be the change you wish to see
Free Tibet
Go green or maybe blue (blue is the color of air and water therefore good too)
Eat organic (this means food with organs)
Buy only fair trade (I had previously mixed this term up with fur trade-oops)
Boycott Epcott (Epcott Center at Disney World because they are guilty of Racial Profiling)
Throw paint on every fur coat you see (I suggest making sure it is not synthetic fur, and also make sure it was animal that was skinned alive)
Peace
Make love not war
Don't eat things with faces (this is not too difficult as we usually don't eat the face of the animal)
Boycott global warming
God hates flags (I don't know I heard that somewhere)
Support the troops
God bless America
Be more Patriotic
Eat your vegies
Vote
Be informed (there a number for this, call 411)
Fight communism (I suggest a having a loaded gun near by at all times)
Build a fall out bunker in your backyard in case you fall out
Boycott Hitler and Nazi's and anyone who reminds you of them
Protest child labor (actually let's protest all labor)
Buy an American
Start printing propaganda
It doesn't matter whether you are a part of the Republican, Democrat, or Other parties, just remember to party!

The Absence of Time and Presence of Evolution Hath Brought Me Wings!

2008-01-14T10:02:00.001-07:00

OK...so scientists recently discovered there is no such thing as time. I am incredibly joyous about this decision. This is the biggest discovery since they discovered evolution. This means we should throw away our clocks! As they are false. I am so happy that I will never be late to work again! I will be able to watch my favorite TV show right NOW! (Even though it comes on at 6:00) (because there is no such thing as 6:00 anymore!) Actually I can pretty much do ANYTHING now. I have been patiently waiting for evolution to bring me wings (I have been watching my shoulder blades slowly protruding from my back) but now there is NO WAITING!! WOO HOO!! I'm going to fly this weekend...wait! There's no no more "this weekend"! I can fly now! Ut oh... maybe evolution thought I ordered hot wings....oh well-I'm hungry, I could go for that too.

We Draw, You Decide

2008-01-07T16:04:00.002-07:00

We draw,
you decide.

Happy New Year, Lenny

2008-01-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, in 2008. I'm listening to Lenny Welch. I am the future, he is the past. It's cool here Lenny. Your albums came out in the 1960's, you probably lived in a covered wagon. Your time was so long ago Lenny, I feel for your hard times, you probably didn't have electricity or running water. You were black and so you may have been a slave in your time. I wish you could have seen the year 2008. Racism is nearly extinct. The only people using the "N" word today are Gangsta Rappers. Gangsta Rap is a type of music that you didn't have back then. Your rap is what we refer to as "Old Skool" because it was invented in an old school building. You may remember such rappers as Run DMC and The Fresh Prince. I don't believe they ever used the "N" word. My worship pastor actually used the word the other day. In case you didn't know, the N word is "Nursery". I'm sorry. I won't say it again.
Anyways, 2008 is nothing like 2007. Everything is different. The trees are more "stickly", there is white "junk" on the ground everywhere. There is supposedly still "Global Warming" going on but it is really cold outside. Cars are different. There are more animals. There are more cars. Traffic is worse. Time moves more quickly. Perry Como is dead. There is the World Wide Web still but every website is different. Phone booths are obsolete. People don't write "handwritten" letters anymore. My kitchen is a mess from the New Year's party. I'm older. I'm out of milk. On the bright side:

We may see flying cars this year (I hope).
Hopefully the new US President will be Margret Thatcher.
I'm looking forward to the Nintendo and Apple merger and the creation of the iWii.
Thumbprint ID for every PC (no one will ever be able to hack into your MySpace and post Ringtone ads again)
The end of world hunger.
War in Iraq.
A Creed reunion.
Smellovision.
A return to 1950's era etiquette.
An anitvirus for the Vampiris virus.
Learning chips that program knowledge into your brain so kids won't have to go to school anymore.
Supercomputers.
Bigger pick up trucks.
McDonald's ULTRA Supersize meals with 1 gallon soda cups and "gorge" size fries.
Buttons on Blog editors that automatically bullet lists

Enjoy 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freakin Super Banana

2007-12-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or have you guys noticed the abnormally large produce at Wal Mart?

Tomatoes the size of softballs.
Onions the size of um...softballs.
Huge apples
and oranges
Pumpkins
Potatoes
Celery sticks as big as...softballs
Even their non-produce is huge, like the meat and even the paper-towel rolls
Strawberries as big as meteorites

I believe they are pumping them full of hormones to make them look more desirable on the shelf. They are chemically doing things to make their color brighter because they are picking them before they are ripe. I kind of think this Gigantor Food is disgusting, but I eat it nevertheless. Today for instance, I was eating a banana and it was a powerful banana. its skin nearly impenetrable. I grabbed the opener tab and pulled like usual but the babana would not open. I yanked on that sucker and instead of ripping open I was just turning the insides into mush.
Oh well, look at the bright side. If these hormones are causing the fruit to become "Super", they probably are doing the same for us. I've noticed I don't have anymore symptoms of puberty (we can argue whether this is due to my age -28-or the Wal MArt produce) I have heard parents saying their kids are growing up much faster these days. See? How bad can these hormones be? Maybe since my bananana had tough skin, by eating it I will too. Then you can level all your insults at me and nothing will hurt me.

2008 Resolutions

2007-12-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Well....I've decided since you're not reading this I might as well get personal and post my new year's resolutions. There are quite a few as I was a screw up this year:

I resolve to:

1. To become a better listener (to aide in this I will buy hearing aides. I know I don't need them, but they will aide me)

2. To get stronger bodywise. I will carry large pails of water up long flights of stairs. I will pick up heavy things whenever I think about it (for instance, if I'm standing by the fridge I will do some reps by lifting it off the floor-maybe...I might not be able to because it is extremely heavy) I will do door-frame chin-ups. I will do jumping jacks while waiting for things (in the elevator or in line at the post office)

3. To get stronger brainwise. I will read while doing jumping jacks. I will read whatever I can, newspapers, dictionary, encyclopedias, Bibles, magazines, phonebooks, travel brochures, billboards, license plates, informational signs (IN, OUT, MEN, WOMEN, STOP, YEILD), the CNN ticker, the internet, mass mailings, reader boards, credit card applications, dossiers, milk cartons, text messages and receipts. Oh and a book.

4. I will laugh more. This will include seeing more comedies as well as "laugh inducing"-such things as tickling myself, telling myself jokes, forcing myself to laugh at nothing, witnessing sight gags, looking for misspelled reader boards, observing people do stupid things like slipping on ice and cracking their head, putting a rubber band around a dog's snout and watch him try to get it off, stare at people, inhale Nitrous Oxide, etc.

5. I will be nicer to people. I will let people into my lane in traffic, even if they don't wave "thank you". Help an old lady across the street. Sell boyscout cookies (or girl if they're out). I will do a kid's homework and try to get a good grade. I will shovel the snow of one person's driveway for a maximum of $10. I will give the hobo's money for beer.

6. I will try to cook something new next year. Maybe a Kish Cake. Or I wonder what it will taste like to bake stawberries.

7. I will take time out to write "that novel". It will probably be an autobiography about my own life. It will start out when I was born and how I grew into a young boy. I liked to dig holes in the back yard, yada yada. I will write every chance I am not doing jumping jacks or reading. This means lap top everywhere! If you see me with my lap top don't bother me as I am writing my novel. Unless you can remind me of something that happened to me in my life. Then come on over and tell me.

8. I WILL travel more. I will plan trips to places I have never been such as South Carolina, Asia, the Eifle Tower (the one in Paris), Huntertown Indiana, the moon (if I can score a ride), 39°34′29″N, 75°35′37″W, The Savings Bank Museum in Southwest Scotland.

9. Have more dreams. This may be hard to make happen but maybe eating pizza at midnight will help. I will study R.E.M. sleep and how to make it happen. I hope to have fun flying dreams.

10. Become famous. I don't know what this looks like as 2008 is still weeks away, but I will either be an up and coming actor in Hollywood, a rising Rock Star in a band called Tweep, a famous neuro-sugeon or possbibly the inventor of something. Or maybe I will just shoot for the Ginus Book of World Records-maybe world's coolest made up accent? I don't we'll see. Well, I'm out, but I will see you 2008! Until then, let's make peace here in 2007! Peace out!

"Elsie, how the hell did you get up there?"

A "To Do" List

2007-12-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Just by browsing some random blogs I have come to realize the "proper" thing to blog about is either politics or tracking your weight loss for the world to see. I'm sorry, I cannot bring myself to blog about these things. Who on the planet Earth gives a rat's ass about your how many pounds you've lost this week? OK, OK, I realize the things I write about aren't very interesting either and thus the title of this blog. But at least I am captivated by what I write and at least I can at times laugh my ass off at the things written by Yosh. OK now I sound semi-arrogant. I'm not though. I actually have little of myself inside myself and so I am not "full" of myself. Anyway, here's what I need to do:

To do:
1. Stop writing stupid blogs.
2. Read a book.
3. Eat a banana.
4. Drive.
5. Learn more Spanish.
6. Drink some wine and eat crackers with cheese.
7. Do "lunges".
8. Wash the dishes and put them away (make sure the counter top is clean)
9. Write stupid blogs.
10. Buy some bullets.
11. Call a hotline.
12. Roast peppers.
13. Learn a magic trick.
14. Slap someone in the face.
15. Draw Rob Zombie on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.
16. Lick something rusty.
17. Jump off of something high (& hold nose as if in water)
18. Sleep on the wall.
19. Try to understand quantum physics.
20. Aerate the lawn.
21. Smell an aboitoire
22. Harvest mice eggs.
23. Play basket ball after drinking wine.
24. Skitch like we did last summer.
25. Help the FBI exhume a body.
26. Wonder about things and then write about it.
27. Make rice fillets.
28. Learn a new hobby (probably building model cars)
29. Chryogenically freeze a body part for use later in life (probably my left hand as I am using my right)
30. Burn fire. (I will need to invent this)
31. Try to excerpt energy from leftover pig.
32. Turn off the lights more to conserve energy for future humans.
33. Build a car that runs off of cow methane.
34. Visit Roswell. (Keep senses alert for any "strange" activity)
35. Base jump the Hoover Damn.

Myoria

2007-11-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

"What is a 'Round To It'?" he asked scratching the side of his head characteristically. Roy had thick curly black hair and always had a comb or pencil or some object lodged in in it.
"Well it doesn't matter what I think," answered Cody. "I know that that no matter what I think, you won't even begin to use what advice I give you,"
"I'm getting dizzy, can we maybe just...I don't know, can I pass?" Roy said standing up and walking out the front door.
"Where's he going?" asked Ashley.
"He does that all the time," came Charlie's voice. "He needs to go for a walk," Charlie pulled off the motorcycle helmet he was wearing. "Man this thing is tight,"
Roy suddenly realized he didn't know what neighborhood he was in, yet his sense of mission drove him passed the houses across the street and into a pasture. In his confusion he didn't much feel the cool of the night. A half hour passed and he came upon a brook flowing through a thickening forest.
He sat on a log and pulled his head off. He let it float into the air and watched his body sitting on the log as the distance grew. He felt elated. What will the others think? he wondered.
Meanwhile Charlie realized he was alone. Ashley and Cody had been merely a pillow and a sack of Idaho Potatoes respectively. He felt cheated and his mind reeled to pin who was responsible. It was Roy! He had known for years now that it was Roy. Roy was the one responsible for Charlie's car melting.
One day Charlie had meeting to be at and he was running late. When he opened the garage door, to his horror, his car was a puddle. He had to ride his bike to his meeting with S.C.L.O.R.
"DIE DIE DIE," Ben yelped at him.

Boneless Skinless Things

2007-11-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was eating a carrot and I bit into the bone-ouch! How annoying that is! I think I chipped a little piece of the bone cause I spit it out. I guess I'll go back to buying skinless boneless carrots. Even though carrot skin is OK to eat, much like chicken skin. OH!! You know what? They make bonesless chicken! I don't know how you would do that-do you? But it would be nice. I think the life of the chicken would be hard though....well, maybe not. It might be really fun, he would be stretchy and be able to slurk under doorways and probably fit through that pesky chicken wire. Wouldn't that be freaky to be sitting there at he kitchen table enjoying some lemonade?
...what?.....oh, I mean freaky if you all the sudden saw a hungry chicken slurk under the doorway! AHH! that scared me just thinking about it. Think about how his eyes would look, kind of like a flounder. With nothing but his skin holding him together he'd be amorphous. Well, unless he was boneless skinless chicken. Then he (I actually have been meaning she because he chickens are roosters and we don't eat rooster...do we?) would be a pile of uncooked white chicken meat. Shoot, I forgot about the feathers. Well-PILLOWS! Gee chickens are useful. But anyway, carrots are better boneless.

Charity's Church Mouse

2007-11-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

There's a mouse creature in our copier. Charity saw him first; she saw him scurry across the room and then we couldn't find him. Next day: Harmony was pulling out a jam and spraying parts off with canned air when we heard her scream bloody murder. The mouse was right there on the fuser. Before she could grab him by the tail and scarf him down (I'm sure she would have if she was quick enough) he jumped back into the machine.

The Mouse in the Machine by Josh Anderson
I pulled out every drawer of the copier and opened every door. I couldn't figure out where he went. He is still in there....living. One day his going to get caught in the wheels and there will be a bloody mess and color copiers of a SMASHED bloody mouse. Hmmm, I'm hungry for cheese.
Charity's own account

When Do I Get to Be a Robot?

2007-11-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

That ole' Toby Robot...yessiree....he is cool. Calm. Collected. He never gets overly involved. I like him...he's kind of my role model. I'm tired of being soft flesh. I'm tired of caring. When do I get to be a Robot? This is how I will look. I will be called P198-FJ007Z and you won't be able to hurt me.

I Just Spoke Forth Loudly

2007-11-02T15:55:00.000-06:00

You know how sometimes when you've been pent up all day either in your office or even in your home and you just need to get out? You know how sometimes you then see something a little puzzling and fix that little something, how you then talk to it as if it were a person and you do so out loud and in a rich Australian accent? Well I just did that. I saw my iTunes library where it displayed the "In The Dark Eternal" goth radio station on live365 that I was listening to and it said end of broadcast. So I said to it "End of broadcast? I'll show you!" and I restarted the station. Then I wondered what AV Bear would think of me talking to no one. He didn't say anything. Well, what do YOU think? Commence comments.I drew this broom, K?

What Do You Think of That??

2007-10-26T09:30:00.000-06:00

If I knew you, the reader, I would come in when you least expect it and slap you across the face. While you held your cheek, looking at me in bewilderment I would stare at you blankly for 10 seconds and then proceed the rearrange the furniture in your room or office. Right as I was about to leave I'd just say "What do you think about that?"
See, if you could float about 200 ft. in the air and watch life happening, you'd see all these cars driving neatly where the should and parking in spaces aligned for them. You'd see people going where their told and sticking to pre programmed time schedules. BORING!! Where is the creativity??? When I was little I wanted to do things my own way. Not in a rebellious way, I just wanted to have my own slant on everything I did or had or made. Somewhere along the line, boring adults tell you 'you have to do this or that. You have to do it this way or that'. Without even realizing it we live life in a box! And I'm tired of it.
Things are going to change and Charity is documenting it:
http://ubercharity.blogspot.com/2007/10/social-experiments-at-work.html
Oh and this explains it without words:

Soul in the Brain

2007-10-23T09:25:00.000-06:00

Do you ever think about where your soul actually resides? I think by the process of elimination we know it must sit in our head. I mean, think about it, much like automobiles, all of our parts are interchangeable. Even an organ as important and intricate as the heart can be transplanted! Amazing! But the one accessory that we can't order from the hospital for replacement is the brain. If you switched someone's brain, you'd switch them.
Imagine that...let's say you're in an accident in which your body was beyond repair while your brain remained unscathed. Meanwhile a patient in another room lies in a coma with a perfectly usable body. Has this ever been tried before??? Isn't that creepy? They should make a movie about this (or maybe they have...actually...I'm sure there is something like this out there) So you wake up a week later and the first thing you notice is your hands....they're not yours.... What? what the heck??? You start freaking out as you begin to examine your entire body. You start sweating and your heart is racing as you climb out of the hospital bed and find a mirror. What you see in the mirror sends a shock of horror through your being. Your face doesn't match the one you have seen in the mirror in all of your memories. Can that really happen?
So I wonder what happens if they plop your brain into an animal...say a golden retriever. Why won't that work? All the wires don't pug in and match up I suppose.
What about those "wires", the nerve attachments.... if we figured that out could we maybe make wireless connections? A brain in a lab somewhere controlling a body downtown. The body wonders into a candy shop where there is a low hanging display for gummy bears. The controlling brain misjudges the body's height and hit the head on the sign making a very hollow sounding "thump".
At this point others in the candy shop are on to the fraud. Nobody's head sounds that hollow. In fact, when they look at the body in the eye they can tell there is no soul. OK I'll shut up now-this is enough imagery for your week leading up to Halloween :)

Rat's Ass

2007-10-18T09:46:00.000-06:00

I was listening to Folk Radio on Live365 when the commercial broke through the Ethel Caffie-Austin's John the Revelator asking "What is the difference be you and the millions of millionaires out there?" at which point my brain screamed I don't give a rat's ass! The reason behind the reaction isn't my point, but it's because one, are there really MILLIONS of millionaires out there? and two, are you kidding? the difference between me and them is they have a lot of money! And my reaction of not caring is because they're going to feed me a line of BS about how I can be a millionaire too. The Bible warns us against "Get Rich Quick" Schemes. ANYWAY! My point is, why did I say I don't give a rat's ass! ? Where did this term come from? Can I logically conclude that giving a rat's ass means caring? Should I say that from now on when someone tells me how hard their week has been, should I say "Oh man, that sucks...I give a rat's ass" ? And why a rat's ass? Are the origins of this idiom based in truth? Is there some kind of ancient custom of people cutting the hind end of of a rat to show their benevolence to someone??? Why don't keep the custom going? There could be a special bin where biology majors toss "used" rats after dissecting them and they could sell them as Benevolence Rat's Asses.

Life Lessons and the Art of Snowboarding

2007-10-17T16:56:00.001-06:00

I picked up snowboarding way later than most of my friends, so I got to watch them doing 360 tail grabs while i was still falling on my ass every 5 seconds. I learned quickly though and my first season on a board my buds were already taking me on tree runs. I put some good nicks on my board, good bruises on my butt, shoulders and hands from hitting trees. One of my buddies, after noticing how sap covered I came out of the trees, told me some of the best advice I have ever learned that carries through to others sports and even life itself. "Pick a path and look where you want to go, not at the trees!" It was hard to get myself to do it-how do you not look at that tree you're about to collide with and hard!? But I quickly found out he was so right. When I ignored the trees, suddenly I wasn't headed for them anymore.
A couple weeks ago I took a motorcycle training course where we were instructed to weave some offset cones. At first it seemed nearly impossible not to hit the cones. Sure enough though, the instructor told us "You will go where you look! If you look at the cone you will hit it!" So when I applied my snowboarding skills and looked through the obstacles at my path, suddenly it was easy.
I think we can apply this to life. Don't get so caught up in our present struggles to the point we're not looking at the overall picture of where we're headed. Wow, this is way more inspirational than the usual JWU blog...now I need to write something really stupid. I'll be right back.

Hollywood Style Wreck

2007-09-25T08:56:00.000-06:00

Friday night me and my homeboys were coming out of a local brewery full of alcohol and piss. As we climbed into my buddy's truck we saw a Mustang whiz by on Patterson (40mph zone) probably going over 100mph.
"Did you see that?!" I exclaimed. Not 3 seconds after the words came out of my mouth we all heard a screeeech-thump! THUMP! thump, thump!
"Did you guys hear that?!! I think that car just rolled!!! He had to have just rolled his car!" I yelled stupidly. Then we saw a cloud of smoke billow up above the trees.
"Let's go drive by!" my buddy said.
"No, dude! We can't! That means we're required by law to help and I don't know how! Plus none of us are in a good condition to help if you know what I mean!"
So we drove to a point one block south and ran through a field. As we came out of the clearing we saw plenty of by-standers including the girl whose car was clipped by the speeder. She had been spun around and was really shaken up but OK. He and another witness said that the driver of the Mustang crawled out and ran away.
Down the street not 50 yards from us was the Mustang facing us engulfed in Hollywood-Style 6 foot flames. My buddy ran up near it to take video with his phone.
"Dude! Get away from there! that things gonna blow!" we yelled at him. Right about that time we heard a BOOM! and saw pieces of flaming debris fly into the air.
All in all it was a good time and I wouldn't hesitate to do it all again!

The Future is Here!

2007-09-17T09:43:00.000-06:00

That's right people! JWU recently took a journey to the country of Tennessee. On our trip we were amazed at some of the technological advancments of the airports and airplanes we traveled. As if air flight wasn't mind boggling enough, these are some of the things we saw on our journey:

"Flat Screen" Televisions in the concourses.
The pilots spoke to us over a speaker system in the plane.
The seats on the aircraft we designed as flotation devices "In the unlikely even of a water landing". High speed underground trains (pictured)

Moving stairs that you just stand on and they carry you up or down (pictured)Futuristic aerospace tentlike ceiling (pictured)
Futuristic silver trash recepticles (Pictured)My favorite, a moving floor panel. No need for walking anymore! Simply step on this "magic carpet" and it wisks you away! (Pictured)

Statues of happy naked people. The future is astonishing! (Pictured)
Futuristic structure with colored lights (Pictured)

The future is in fact here! That means Jake Wilkinson's Unicycle needs to release the new album "Hits From the Future"

PS JWU was in Nashville this week. This could have been a huge opportunity for us to make it big, but we forgot to bring demo CDs to pass out. So we hoped to maybe play some of our songs on Music Row but we didn't really know what to do...so we didn't. Charity did get to meet a reasonable facsimile of Elvis Presley though (Pictured)

My Invention

2007-09-12T10:34:00.001-06:00

It's here folks! The greatest merger of technology since Apple bought....um....Orange. Anyway, I shall call it GooTube. It will use advanced technology to visually search the internet. Use your webcam or camcorder to capture images and then GooTube will automatically do a video search of whatever you are filming. Of course I need to find some really smart computer geeks to develop the technology, but by writing this blog you can see I made it up first!

Conference of the Birds

2007-08-03T08:18:00.000-06:00

Three of them are out there on the grass. They are chirping very loudly. One is facing the other two. He will say something and then they will all move swiftly and smoothly on their feet about 5 feet and stop abruptly with more chirping. I don't know bird lingo; I really wonder what they are saying. I think the first guy is like "Now listen, we all know there are worms out here, but I don't see any, do you?" And really he's trying to get the other two to lose hope and leave so he can have all the worms to himself. But the other two are calling 'BS'. "Frank, you're full of crap-I SAW a worm like 2 feet behind you,"
"No, no, no," Frank says as he walks that way to scare the worm back into his hole. "That was a...a..umm....it was hot dog," he recoiled foolishly.
"A hotdog?!" Pete says looking over at Sam.
"Are you kidding me? A worm is nothing-" Sam was cut off by Frank.
"LOOK! It's the Byrds in concert!!!" Frank pointed to an imaginary band behind the other two. Pete and Same knew the Byrds weren't there but looked back to humor Frank. Frank realized he was deep in his lie, but took the opportunity to pluck the worm from the ground and then fly away.
I can still hear them arguing out there.

Da Blues

2007-07-25T10:45:00.000-06:00

Not that I don't like the Blues, but I don't listen to them when I'm sad. There is a degree of acceptance in Blues music; they seem Blue about things, but more like "Well, that's reality, deal with it,". But I'm like no way! I'm not gonna DEAL with it Joe Burns! I shouldn't be in this situation. The world done me wrong! I want my music to feel like I feel. Moby is good.

A Low Rumbling

2007-07-18T10:20:00.000-06:00

I'm freakin' out man!! I hear a low rumbling, kind of like a semi passing by on the interstate or someone a block away sitting their car listing to their music with the sub woofers blaring. The thing is, no one else can hear it. Charity said I must have a brain anurism (sp). Featuring Enchilada McKenzie said I should just shut up and turn up the Beach Boys I was listening to. The thing is the bass is UNDER the Beach Boys!!! Maybe Tag Team's 'Whoomp There It Is' or the Beastie Boy's "Brass Monkey" or the 69 Boy's 'Tootsie Roll' would have the bass to cover it up, but certainly not these oldies like We Five - they recorded before bass was invented. Just kidding, they played bass guitars, but there wasn't this sonic, studio produced bass that is most electronic and hip hop music. Remember when sub woofers first started showing up everywhere and then these guys started have bass contests at their car shows. This led to the bass tests CDs that really aren't music, just pulsing sounds that blow out normal speakers. this is what the aliens are using on me RIGHT now. No one else can hear it because they aimed the sound waves right at my head. They are having a bass contest and they found that when they channel the sound waves through my mind, it amplifies the bass. This is because I can use my imagination to make a sub woofer that is so big it doesn't fit well into the Grand Canyon. All i can do is let them finish the contest. I bet I don't get anything for helping them out. Selfish bastards. Get OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!

Salsa Verde ala Meinhart

2007-07-13T12:05:00.000-06:00

I started cooking with tomatillos for the first time last night. Mostly because I am growing them in my garden and there are going to be a TON. So anyway, here's the recipe I came up with. This makes a good, tart, and moderatley hot salsa. Enjoy.

Cover in water 7 or 8 small tomatillos and one anaheim pepper, stem removed, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about 15 minutes.

Chop up, and place in blender along with one diced jalapeno (stem removed), 1/2 buch cilantro, 5 garlic cloves (peeled), and a handful of fresh mint leaves.

Pulse until moderately smooth.

Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a sauce pan. Add salsa mixture and cook on medium until reduced, about 10 minutes.

Eat hot or cold with whatever feel like. Now leave me alone.

p.s. shamus put tobasco in it and ruined it. don't make the same mistake.

mind test complete: you are a worm farmer

2007-07-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

So, I don't mind getting paid less than a pizza delivery man to do design work. It's fun and I have met some cool and/or funny people. I have also met some weird and/or bossy poeple, but I can live with that.

But what I really want to say is, don't you think it would be great if we all had to take a mind-test to determine what we get to do in life and how much we get paid? I know it sounds very matrixy/communist, but, man, think of what the world would look like. There are some very stupid people in charge of the world.

If I took that test I would probably still be getting paid less than a pizza delivery man to do design work. That's cool. I am smart but not smarter than everyone else. But I bet my brother would be president because not only is he book smart, but he can kick anyone's ass at trivial pursuit. EVEN after several beers! WOWzee!

And I bet the AV Bear would be a cabinet member because, come on, that guy is the pop culture KING. So that's what he would be, pop culture czar of the USA.

I know who all the new janitors would be. But we will pay them OK. At least enough to afford a 900 square foot house in a deteriorating neighborhood. But those are the best kind, really. You develop a lot of character living in a place like that. I know, cos that's where I live. And I'm doing OK. Really good, actually.

I just wish that dumb people would have dumb jobs and smart people would have important ones, that's all. And then ppl like me will just go on living a full life with very little money, but surrounded by a lot of cool people. That's a good life in my opinion.

purple.monkey.dishwasher

Area Man Jumps From 30ft Cliff, Lives to Tell the Tale

2007-07-10T10:04:00.000-06:00

Cliff Jump

Add to My Profile | More Videos